The Struggling Officeboy

Updates

2007-03-26T15:06:00.000+08:00

Now that my previous post has provided almost inrefutable proof that I am still alive, I will not start this post with a "howdy everyone" introduction...but well, what the hell...

Howdy, everyone!

It's basic courtesy anyway. Much has come to past these past few months when I was in dormant blogging mode and it is only right that I update each and every one of you on what conspired.

Firstly, I am finally moving on to a new workplace after five years in this #$%^&* place. I am...drum roll, going to be a Customer Service Executive at ICA come April!!! Expect service standards to plummet to unprecedented levels and complaints to rocket through the roof. Readers who want to make a new passport should certainly come look for me. Just look for the counter with the permanent "Close" signage and be snubbed like everyone else.

Secondly, my luck for this year looks like shite. I actually haven't struck 4D for the past three months. That's 1/4 of a year gone and not even a consolation prize in sight. It's quite amazing actually. Do the people in Singapore Pools hate me or what? What have I done to deserve this?

Thirdly, my beloved Spurs was actually on some kind of a winning streak for once...until of course, some schmuck named Shevchenko suddenly decided he wanted to score a nice goal and provided to hammer a rocket past the hapless Robinson and help secure a 1-2 away win for Chelscum. I kinda like the bloke though because he's had it a bit rough since he came to England.

Fourthly, I am getting along just fine with Thy. She's neurotic, moody, rather clingy and is a navigational nightmare, but I like her anyway. Because she's also sweet and caring. I am still not entirely sure that she is necessarily the one for me but whatever it is, she's a treasure.

Fifthly, I started doing some things which I thought I wanted to do in 2006...like exercising regularly and running for THREE times a day although since the Reservist stint, I have stopped. Why? I failed running by 51 seconds...so what the heck, if the regime isn't going to help me to pass IPPT, why would I want to continue with it? Well, whatever. I guess I will probably restart the regime again sometime soon. I am pretty sure this measly 51 seconds (Gulp!) won't be too big a barrier for me to overcome. But the real point is...I have actually found running to be quite a feel-good activity.

Sixthly, I am half thinking about doing a Movie Critic blog as a sister to my Rock Critic one. Unfortunately, looking at how "often" I update my Rock page, I can't say for sure I can manage another review site. But the truth is that I haven't actually heard much new music in the past few months and the new Bloc Party and Arcade Fire releases were actually my first purchases in some time. And a further truth is, I haven't caught that many movies either. I am still waiting to catch 300, for instance. But I will certainly be looking at the Singapore Film Fest next month with some degree of interest. Indeed, I will be catching M with Thy...some Japanese R21 movie. NICE!

Seventhly, security at Reservist camps really ought to be improved. Just during the past ICT that I attended, our bunk windows could not be locked due to a missing latch. And guess what? Our bunk got burgled. My friend got his boots and electric shaver stolen. I got my phone charger, multi-plug socket, instant cup noodles, jacknife, lighter and playing cards stolen. Another frined also got his charger stolen. And this was despite the fact that we had our lockers locked…albeit with numerical combination locks. What does this say? Using numerical locks to secure your possessions is just about as secure as using masking tape to secure them.

Eighthly, just the other day, I heard from my mum that a bunch of Holy Innocent’s students were involved in a fight, near my block, so serious that the police had to be called in and the whole fracas lasted a couple of hours. Apparently one of them even got his head all bloodied…Oooh, I would have loved to see that. My mum then lamented to me that “Sigh, nowadays ah, these young people study also study until like that.” To which, I can only say agree. Our education is throwing up too many thugs and snobs. And of course, plenty of skimpily dressed jailbaits as well.

Ninthly, why are there more and more China people in Singapore? Is it any wonder then, that a lot of ang mohs still think Singapore is a part of China (It is TRUE, I kid you not…I have heard real life examples)? And the number of China mei meis here is really growing exponentially, but then again, there are a lot of hum-sup old farts here for them to show their magnificent cleavages to. Just a few weekends ago, Thy and I were dining at Viet-Thai at Century Square in Tampines when we were witness to a fascinating conversation between an ah peh and his China mei mei girlfriend.

Ah Peh: I tell you…I was once a sushi chef for a restaurant and you know how they make sushi rice? It’s really unhealthy. They add a lot of coconut milk to it but really it’s all Ajinomoto.

Mei mei: Ooooooooh really?

Ah Peh: Yes yes yes and then they add these black sesame seeds to it so yeah, that’s how they make sushi rice.

Mei mei: Ooooooooh really?

Blah blah blah blah blah

Ah Peh: You know I am really starting to feel old. You know how old I am, 42!

Mei mei: Oooooooooh really?

The conversation was, in truth, nothing more than a load of BS but I continue to be fascinated by the fact that although the man probably knew that he just told the mei mei a load of bull, he actually seems to believe that the mei mei believes him. And forty-two? He looked suspiciously like 62 to this pair of eyes, myopic though they might be.

Tenthly, I just got my performance bonus on Saturday and haven't thought about how and what to spend it on. It's just great to have money in actually...it'd just be better if I could have some EXTRA money from Singapore Pools. Aren't they supposed to be committed to philanthropy? I am in urgent need of some form of welfare and charity.

National Anthem

2007-03-22T14:18:00.000+08:00

Having recently gone through a bout of National Service (AKA Reservist) and being made to sing the national anthem to a strange little moving gif played via mediaplayer in an air-conditioned auditorium (Yes, we old men soldiers are very soft and brittle. Make us stand in the hot sun for a flag raising ceremony, I can assure you that before the anthem ends, 3/4 of the men would have unbuttoned their number 4 showing their hairy chests and gigantic beer bellies. I would, most assuredly, be among one of them) while undergoing National Education, I am, right now, in the midst of a revived stance of fervent nationalism.

And being such an unbashed nation lover, I am advocating the revamping of the national athem because, as I furtively noticed, during the singing of the anthem...half of the people in the house were not singing the words...either due to unfamiliarity with the words or unfamiliarity with the feeling of patroitism. The other half was gamely mouthing the words of The National Anthem...and then I took a closer listen.

"Everyone

Everyone around here

Everyone is so near

What's going on?

..."

F**king hell, those people were singing the Radiohead song. This was when I decided that this will not do...we need to rewrite the anthem, one that all Singaporeans can take pride in. And it's time for a new anthem, ain't it? After all, we are remaking Singapore. New economy, new government policies, new political leaders, new IRs, new tax and definitely new China/Vietnamese mei meis for dirty old men to marry...so why not a new anthem?

As being the faithful nation builder and civil servant that I am, I have decided not to exhibit an ounce of originality in my work and copy the anthem wholesale from Borat Sagdiyev's homeland of Kazakhstan, give and take a minor prose adjustment or two.

So, everyone stand up now for the new national anthem:

Singapore greatest country in the world

All other countries are run by little girls

Singapore number one exporter of mp3 players

Other countries have inferior mp3 players

Singapore future home of Kallang swimming pool

It’s length fifty meter and width twenty five meter

Filtration system a marvel to behold

It remove 90 percent of human liquid waste

Singapore, Singapore you very nice place

From Plains of Pasir Ris to Western fence of Jurong town

Singapore friend of all except Malaysia.

They very nosey people with bone in their brain

Singapore industry best in the world

We invented Creative and Da Hua Soy Sauce

Singapore’s prostitutes cleanest in the region

Except of course North Korea’s

Singapore, Singapore you very nice place

From Plains of Pasir Ris to Western fence of Jurong town

Come grasp the mighty penis of our leader

From junction with the testes to tip of its face

Hmmm, I really like my work. Great success!

Hike With A Heart

2006-12-01T09:34:00.000+08:00

Howdy lads and ladies, how's everybody doing out there in the classless world of cyberspace where living costs are not an issue, the elite write like the bigoted (actually they are) and uneducated and the blogs of the everyman is prosecuted while those of the privileged are private entities for the consumption of an exclusive few? I hope you are all doing great because I am getting along famously.

Well, after a long hiatus, I've broken my silence to bring you hallowed great news from the fabled marble halls of the rulers of $ingapore. DaaMan Shanmugaratnam has announced that after the 2% GST hike, measures that the white brigade will take will ensure that the underclass will be "even better off" while the sandwich class (actually we should really be renamed the cashcow class) will have packages to help them cope with the increase. Wah seh, people, jump for joy now. There is hope for the underclassers and the sandwiches. We will be looked after! :D Today (the newspaper) has even poignantly headlined the news as "Hike with a heart". Oh yes, heartwarming indeed. Brought a tear to my eye, kid you not. :)

Let's look at the measures that had already being announced. Conservancy charges and car park charges will not be INCREASED (mind you, nothing talked about reducing it, they are simply NOT increasing it...yet) for ONE year! Hurrah! Now Batman can now divert his conservancy "savings'' towards paying for his INCREASED bus fares...for the next year at least. And yes, now Batman will have no worries parking his Rolls-Royce manufactured Batmobile at the HDB carpark downstairs for one year. No, I am not being sarcastic. I am REALLY happy. In fact, every Singaporean should be proud and happy. All of us can now park ALL our cars cheaply! Hmmm...now I do wonder why charges will only stay flat for one year. Does that mean GST will only be hiked up for one year and then be reduced for the following years to come?

Truth is though, I don't have to worry about the GST hike. Why? Because civil service pay will increase soon mah. To retain world-class talent such as moi mah. Don't you already feel hugely blessed reading my distinguished world-class blog? Our beloved Mini$ter$ also don't have to worry about their bread and butter issues anymore. Now instead of buying a cheap Porsche, they can buy a slightly more presentable Lamborghini. Now when they meet up with private sector CEOs, they can park their Lambors alongside the Lambors of these angmoh CEOs. When Daaman says that the hike is for wealth redistribution, he really meant it. Wealth is redistributed from everybody else to civil servants, especially $uper$cale ones...but it's justified, really. Think about it carefully. Can you imagine the pain these Mini$ter$ have to go through? For the sake of Public $ervice, they have to settle for buying one Lambor instead of three. Makes you wanna cry too, ain't it? So it is only right that they are amply rewarded for their $pirit of Public $ervice.

Anyway, talking about wealth redistribution, I am still quite curious what is meant when Daaman said that the poor will be "much better off" after the hike. Hmmm, you mean they don't pay GST? Don't pay income tax? Get free transport? Get free groceries? Oh, wait, they save on conservancy charges and car parking hor. But it does seem exceedingly strange to me...you tax them higher and give them back more money in return. Effectively, isn't that taking money from one's left hand and then putting it back in one's right hand...provided that along the way, a dollar or two wasn't removed from the stack of cash? How is one better off that way?

Ok ok ok...no criticisms and no civil disobedience. I am sorry, Daaman...you are Daaman of course. But isn't it funny how everyone is overjoyed and eager to praise the opaquely TANGIBLE and SPECIFIC measures and policies that the white brigade has announced? When the hike was first announced, wasn't the opposition told to shut up after they had vehemently criticised the hike? And that was because they were told that since they have not yet seen the SPECIFIC and TANGIBLE measures that the white brigade will come up with, they do not have a right to criticise. So now, either the measures and policies have gotten WAY WAY clearer or well, we are allowed to praise something we do not see, but not allowed to criticise it. How interesting.

Ok la, I end here liao. First time in over a month since I wrote and I am complaining like an opposition MP. Not good la. Hmmm, I wonder who ok-ed the headline "Hike with a heart". I hope it's not a black heart (黑心) we are dealing with here.

See you all again! :D

Si Gin Nah

2006-10-25T13:56:00.000+08:00

After not updating for almost a month, it's strange (or is it really quite normal) that my first (and probably last) post in October should be about some chao elitist gin nah who thinks just because her kiam pa faced father is a low-rent kanna sai MP in a GRC (not even single ward constituency nia...no balls to compete on your own, is it? Lim pei challenge you one on one for an election contest next GE lah....but you pay my deposit hor, thanks. I low-rank middle-class, no money nia) piggybacking riding on 李小龙's white horse back. I really shouldn't talk about these elites too much since it's a waste of my energy but the chao gin nah WeeWee kia really gets my goat.

I do not want to go cut and paste the relevant articles (the report about the hoohah was in Tuesday's Nationbuilder Times but the actual text was, of course, not inside) but if you want to read what the whole fuss is about, pay a visit to 星星蓝宝石 where my good fellow blogger had kindly reproduced the offending text for all our viewing pleasures.

Now now now, why am I so worked up about some 18-year-old si gin nah who obviously has bigger boobs than brains (sorry, you know the hum sup lou that I am, I had to mention that because I had seen her picture... and for an 18 year-old, WAH SEH!)? I don't know...maybe it's to do with the fact that she's an offspring of a member of the white shirted brigade and the lao peh's reply to his daughter's disturbing tirade is even more disturbing...and disgusting. This is the product of a privileged class which is supposed to be the future of Singapore? You send the chao gin nah to the supposedly top school in Singapore which produces most of our supposedly "top" talent (and leaders) and all she can write is this kind of blinkered crapfest? Wah seh...I think someone needs to make a movie called "新加坡沉没" or something because that's where we're headed.

But then again, it's very hard to blame the chao gin nah when the si lao peh is probably the source of most of the gin nah's ideas and beliefs. After all, he has openly endorsed her viewpoint. So why would you want someone like that to be your MP? Election time: Walk walk, smile smile, talk cock and be seen as a man of the people. Finish walkabout only, wash his hands with Dettol and call us losers. And oh, we should just do our jobs, go on with our daily lifes and not question the government, is it? Just goes to show how much the white shirted brigade value the people and their views.

Ok la. I don't want to talk too much anymore...I civil servant need to take my afternoon nap liao. I only want to ask the elite chao gin nah one thing: So why are you an elite? Why makes you so great? Because you are in RJ? So? Because you are an MP's daughter? That doesn't say anything about you as a person.

Really, Shu Min dear, go fuck spider.

PS: Since I am writing in a "private blog" as a ranting among friends, I would not expect my rantings here to have any repercussions as my blog is a private entity and is supposed to stay within my circle, whoever I determine them to be. So if anyone else is not happy with my entry and wants to complain about me to MDA or SPCA, I got two things to say. One: Why you come and intrude my personal space by reading my stuff? Two: Go fuck a tarantula, you imbecile.

Ups And Downs

2006-09-28T14:52:00.000+08:00

Thanks Iceman...for reminding me to scrawl something here. It hasn't really been that long since I wrote something actually. But anyway, no trash-talking this time. Just straightforward updating on what's happening all around the world of Cyclops.

As alluded to by the title, I will sort the events between the good and the bad. As always, positive news first...

My mum is doing pretty alright with her chemotherapy treatment, having already gotten through three of the four jabs recommended by the doctors. Ok, there is hair loss, ulcers in the mouth, the occasional diarrhoea and aching of the body...but these were things that were anticipated. The doctor had warned us about this, way beforehand. Honestly, I think she's proven to be extremely hardy throughout the entire process and that can only be good. It won't be long before she'd merely have to go through hormonal therapy...which only involves the consumption of pills.

Secondly, I've met someone (I'd call her Thy...those ARE her initials) whom I am enormously comfortable with and pretty much like. We've only been going out for a couple of weeks but well, we've been messaging each other constantly everyday and we seem to be spending all our weekends together...I'm not going to say anything more about Thy at the moment. When things are confirmed (and that means either way - together/not together), I will discuss more about her...and maybe us.

The Office©-wise, it is (almost) with a certain amount of glee that I announce the impending departure of Banshee. He's going to work in a major airline (Guess which!), don't know doing what. Good luck to him...好马不吃回头草. Let's see how good he is. His going away does result in the intriguing question of what Rogue will do to (1) pass her time without her breast friend (AKA bosom buddy) and (2) will she go too? Stay tuned.

In reality, everybody seems to be leaving and that includes me (possibly Jean Grey and Jubilee as well?). I just attended an interview at a major department in Chinatown a couple of days ago. I was left with no doubt that they are desperate to bring someone in. They seemed extremely worried about my level of interest in them...isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

It is a valid concern though, because I am not particularly enthusiastic about the post...for 3 reasons: (1) The job nature is dry, very dry and stupendously dry. Very specialised. If you are not interested in the area of research, it's boring as hell. And honestly, I do not have a predilection in the topics of interest. (2) It's a uniformly-male working environment. I do not desire that. It's not that I would have a problem fitting in but I much prefer offices where the genders are mixed. (3) The God there is a KC Spider, Kan Cheong King, apple polisher and as jumpy as a jumperlead. Fancy working under such a person.

Otherwise, the job is really ok. The question is: Do I jump from an ok post here to another ok post there? Or do I bide my time to go where I prefer to go? I will get a transfer, this I am confident, but where? If I were to reject this and entrust my fate in the hands of the management, they might either send me to a place I've already indicated my interest in or discharge me to some exotic location where no living beings live (Oh, unless they send me back to Smurfette's side...then I will have no complaints at all...she's working at my preferred location anyway). So do I wait? Thy suggests I should do that and suffer the department's choice...I am inclined to agree with that.

Now with the negative things...honestly, there hasn't been too many bad things that have happened to me...besides the horrendous form of my beloved Spurs. But even this could have a silver lining. I am actually willing them to lose a couple of games more then maybe, they'd sack Martin Jol! I don't think I've ever jumped onto the Martin Jol bandwagon even though he did well for us last year. His tactic of "Robinson lump it upfield to Mido who flicks on to Keane and GOALLLL!" is morosely naive and unimaginative. And if things do not go well, while the likes of Mourinho switches from 4-4-1-1 to 4-3-3 or 4-4-2 or whatever, Jol has only 1 response...bring on Defoe. CRAP! Wake up your bloody idea, baldy!

Another bad thing is...I just missed my voluntary RT again and have been forced into a compulsory training period starting from December...which potentially means I will have trouble travelling abroad during this period (unless I do make-up) since they have Saturday/Sunday sessions...CRAP! I really would like to travel with Iceman and Bishop to Malaysia or maybe, Thailand again. The last time we went on a trip, we (or Bishop) managed the spectacular feat of getting us ejected from the casino in Gentings THREE times in a row. Amazing...I just got to see if we can best that!

That's all, folks. Adios...ciao...bye for now!

IMF - Welcome To Singawhore

2006-09-12T14:17:00.001+08:00

An extremely good morning to my esteemed and holy guests of the IMF,

SOB, as a law-abiding citizen of Singawhore who encourages no civil disobedience, extends the warmest possible welcome to all honourable delegates and attendees of the IMF visiting Singawhore. As you'd have clearly seen and known by now, we kowtow and kiss arse to the VVIP foreigner like no other nation in the world (save for, perhaps, Taiwan). Sit back, relax and let me show you your itinerary during your stay in this beautiful island state that we so dearly call our wonderful home, Singawhore...until we migrate to greener pastures such as the UK, which our beloved SM's daughter will surely testify, is an even better home. :)

Upon arrival, you'd, doubtless, have encountered our Great National Campaign, the Four Million Smiles project. This project was specially created to ensure that your sacred arses will be kissed the moment you step off that Boeing or Airbus. Be rest assured that we do not normally smile at our foreign visitors. Usually, our modus operandi consists of cursing at Banglas for stinking up buses and pushing PRCs off Hotel 81s for reasons best known to respective individuals. Does it not warm the cockles and mussels of your heart that we are smiling so warmly for you, my exceptional guests? :)

After the prompt immigration clearance, which you might also have noticed we've set up specially to expedite your movement while locals are (HAHAHA) stuck in their long queues, you'd be greeted by our friendly liaison officers. These liaison officers are not only fluent in your native languages but were also sent to special courses to be trained to talk, walk, eat and shit with oodles of grace. I am certain they will leave you hugely impressed by our diplomatic efforts. And oh, we've got liaison officers for your WAGs (Wifes & Girlfriends) too. But I'd get back to that later. ;p

And after the claiming of your luggages (which will be less than 20 minutes), you will be treated to world-class services provided by our assorted service personnel, with an original "Singapore Service Excellence" smile. You will be glad to know that such world-class standards had been bludgeoned into their heads for a period of several months where endless hourly TV advertisement slots preaching service excellence to ANG MOHS and a rather hollow reality TV programme that professes to test and improve service standards but is, in fact, nothing but propaganda to ensure that they remember to provide the greatest quality of service to Your Royal Highnesses. :)

Your resting well is our utmost priority, so we've hired a whole host of BMWs and cabs for your comfort. We've also overbooked hotel rooms so that you can place your shoes in Room 213, your shirts in Room 214, your wife in Room 215 and you and your social escort in Room 216. Isn't it pleasing to know that we've got it all thought out? Furthermore, your wives don't even have to be in the same cabs as you! :)

At Suntec City, the venue of the meeting, you'd no doubt have found that we've closed all the roads for your easy travel even if that means locals suffer difficult travel. You'd definitely appreciate the shutting of the overhead crossing from Citylink Mall to the venue for your exclusive use. The crossing has been sealed and air-conditioned so that you do not have to suffer the excruciating local climate. And to ensure you enjoy such world-class comforts while ensuring that locals get none of these luxuries, glass doors have been placed at the base of the crossing so that only Your Royal Highnesses will be permitted to pass. As for the locals, they can cut through the bushes and cross the road in peril of speeding cars and searing heat. But no worries, my guests, they are 贱骨头 and wouldn't mind the discomfort one bit, as long as you guys enjoy. :)

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but Singawhore is never dull, my lovely guests. You'd discover that your meals will be cooked by our great Violet Oon (whom no real foodie in Singapore actually rates) and served on fine China plates worth $90 each. No doubt, only such fine crockery will be fit to serve food into your esteemed mouths. And as for evening entertainment, don't even get me started... :)

My great guests, you'd no doubt discovered that by now that we have got great movies lined up for you on TV. On Sunday, it was Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. On Monday, Minority Report and soon, we'd even show The Matrix Revolutions. These are specially planned movies for your enjoyment. If you had come to Singapore at any other time, the best movie that you'd have seen on our free-to-air channels would have been Iron Eagle 3. Endless TV adverts professing undying love and welcome for you will also make you realise how much we adore your presence here! :)

What would evening entertainment be without GIRLS?! Since we are whoring ourselves so much already, I guess it only figures that we go the whole nine yards and whore both metaphorically and literally. And so as hospitable guests, we not only seal off our finest bridges and roads for you, serve you our finest food and put you in our finest hotels, we even let you fcuk our finest girls! Hey, and to cater to your insatiable lust, we've even gotten our escort service agencies to beef up their local workforce specially for this event so that, YES, you can have your Merlion Boogie Nights in your hotel rooms. Royal Rumble, anyone? :)

And no worries about your WAGs, my guests. As mentioned earlier, our liaison officers will divert them away to shopping trips in Orchard or the deserted Suntec City so that you and our local lovelies can enjoy your trysts in peace. You might worry about your WAGs' overspending in our shops but surely, I say, that is a small price to pay for the taste of local honey. No pain, no gain! :p

Oh, but if you're the cultural sort, we've deliberately arranged our Singapore Biennale to co-incide with S2006 so that you can absorb yourselves in the arts too! We have specially arranged for certain arts performances and pieces to be flown here, so that you can enjoy and partake in them during your stay here. And rest assured that after your departure, these pieces will also immediately return to their origin since local eyes do not have the ability to appreciate them. However, Your Royal Highnesses, with your class and taste which we locals lack, will surely appreciate them :)

And with this, I end my introduction. I wish to express my sincerest wishes that all of you will enjoy your stay here, during the meeting, not merely as guests, but as royalty. And as a friendly reminder, when making whoppie with our local lovelies, please do NOT use condoms. We'd greatly appreciate you leaving your superior genes here in our humble land. After all, as we are so often told, we have no local talent. :)

The Spidey Dilemma

2006-08-30T10:06:00.000+08:00

"I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."

Quote from Spider-man 2, as spoken by May Parker

A couple of nights ago, I went to meet up for dinner with Iceman and Bishop. The latter had come back from Dalian, China for a short break back in Singapore and will be going back to the mainland soon to complete his stint there. Anyway, it was a pleasant dinner, blah blah blah, I am not really particularly interested in talking about the dinner itself because there wasn't much to talk about there. But something we talked about there is a lead-in to this post.

Bishop was talking about his work experiences in China and so on and so forth, and Iceman was commenting that he'd like to venture to China eventually (honestly, as would I). Along the way, he also mentioned about how when he came back to Singapore, he found that a lot of things had happened (so and so having cancer, so and so having passed away), how his mum was admittedly maybe "suffering" because of his absence and then Bishop exclaimed that,"Well, life just moves really quickly. We should just follow our dreams and do what we want." I admittedly did a slight double-take on that statement...because I disagreed with it.

I make no secret of the fact that one day, I'd like to move abroad to work and experience life in a different time, place and culture. And I make no secret of my wish to quit the civil service and start anew with diminished pay and accordingly, lifestyle cutbacks. But it will not likely happen in the prime years of my life when the opportunity is the greatest and best. For I have my responsibilities here. I have my parents, who are aboslutely dependent on me to take care of them and who could press the wrong channel on the TV, receive a blank screen and wait for me the whole day just for me to return to "fix" the TV. Is it over-reliance? Possibly. Do I gripe? Yes. But it is something I will always do because I am needed to.

In Spider-man 2, Peter Parker battled constantly with his inner desires and responsilities. He knew people needed him to be what he was and to do what he did and because of the needs that others had put onto his shoulders, he has had to give up leading an everyday existence and also his love to bear these burdens. Eventually, he still gets his girl...but that's in the movies. And life isn't reel.

I am not saying that I am Spiderman, nor conspicuously, are any of us. But how many of us have had to give up what we want in order to do what others need us to. A self-sacrificing public persona like Spiderman is easy to love but I think, there's a heroism in the simple gesture of serving others in mundane daily slogging and relinquishing the choice of kicking back and simply following one's desires. It is a surrender that can be wearisome on the body, mind and soul, especially at a time and age when self-actualisation is the buzzword.

What am I saying? I am celebrating everybody (and that includes ALL of you) reading this blog, who has done that little something for anyone out of a conscious choice that he/she helped because he/she simply could. Little slices of heroism like these make life better and that much easier to tolerate...as much as a grand Spiderman rescue act would.

And for my part, I also proclaim a heartfelt thank you to each and every single person, who have given bestowed upon me your little piece of sunshine to make me smile, that helping hand to help me back up or just that shoulder to lean on, when I have been crippled and couldn't walk on my own.

God bless you.

President's Star Charity

2006-08-15T10:01:00.000+08:00

The annual Mr Nathan press conference, erm sorry, I mean, President's Star Charity, is upon us again. I am sure Mediacorp has its usual insurance collecting stunts lined up to ensure that those NTUC Income premiums they have paid don't go to waste, but really I differ.

Why make Sharon Au walk on ladders made of samurai blades when we could use make her sing and people would just pay for her to stop? And for that matter, why make Tay Ping Hui drag cars using his tits when we'd pay him to just not appear on TV?

Nah, I really digressed. What I really meant was that stars shouldn't have to risk their lifes or limbs just to make some money for charity. There are a lot of other ways to get the money rolling in. But of course, I will not explicitly disclose the money-spinners for the PSC here since they involve ideas unlikely to be accepted by Singapore's PG-rated stations (For example, a segment involving Fiona Xie might be named "The Bah Bao Munch"), but if I was the show's organising creative executive, these are the stunts I would propose, which, I am sure, will bring in the targeted $4 million in less than a couple of hours.

Stunt #1: The Transporter

Stars: Pierre Png and Khoo Swee Chiow.

Setting: An operating threatre somewhere in Singapore with Pierre lying unconscious on the oprating table, zonked out either on Tiger beer or anaesthetics. SC will be in his adventure gear, ready to move out.

Stunt: What else? Pierre sells part of his liver to the highest bidder in Singapore and when the highest bid is lodged and sealed, Pierre's liver is removed on live TV and SC then tries all kinds of ridiculous ways to deliver the item to the bidder. Instead of taking the bus, he might say hang-glide his way there. Instead of using a lift, he'd scale the exterior of the building...sans oxygen, I might add.

Danger factor: Zero. Pierre has been there, done that. SC has spent his entire life not working but doing ridiculous things anyway, so what's one more? But the downside is there is no control over what the liver will be used for. Might be used for a life-saving liver transplant, might be used for making those tonic wines with dead reptiles in them or might just be freeze-dried and sold as bah kwa.

Money raised: $250,000. Remember it's only for the highest bidder so the average needy patient who needs a liver transplant desperately, too freaking bad. Also, keep in mind that SC might take a commission of 10% without anybody knowing it, so in reality: $225, 000.

Stunt #2: Nearly God

Stars: Mavis Hee

Setting: Major hotels in town with Mavis roaming around.

Stunt: Mavis goes around the major hotels in Singapore and screams at tourists, "Call me God or give me money".

Danger factor: Zero. But stunt is limited to the time until the whitecoats lug her away, kicking and still screaming I might add.

Money raised: $1000. There is always the faint possibility that tourists might call her God, instead of giving her money.

Stunt #3: The English Patients

Stars: Christopher Lee and Kym Ng

Setting: On board a Grasslands (草原快车) coach with Kym and Chris surrounded by Angmohs, English language or GP teachers or just monolingual purists anal about "proper" English.

Stunt: Chris and Kym will go on and on about why they should donate to PSC in their trademark indecipherable English until all the people in the coach pay to shut them up (hopefully...because they may, otherwise, they may reosrt to violence).

Danger factor: 5/10. I have watched the 草原快车 advert for a long, long time now and after several months, I have to confess I still have no idea (frustratingly) what Kym and Chris were talking about in the advert and that is after paying close attention. But TV is a different medium. I can just shut it off or change the channel if I want to. In an enclosed environment such as a coach, anything can happen.

Money raised: $50,000 or two corpses.

Stunt #4: Girl-Fight

Stars: Fiona Xie and Joanna Peh

Setting: In a six-sided ring where...ah, crap, that sounds like TNA Wrestling. Anyway, in a six-sided ring where Fiona and Joanne square off mano-a-mano for the Mediacorp Next 阿姐 Championship Belt. They can wear ANYTHING because it's coming off in the catfight anyway.

Stunt: What stunt? They fight. It's hands, feet, make-up, Gucci dresses, D-Cup bras and A-Cup handiplasts. It's melons vs oranges. It's chic vs cheap. It's Singapore's wealthiest undergrad vs Singapore's wealthiest slut. Singapore Pools will be roped in to provide odds for betting, the proceeds of which will go to Temasek Holdings. Nah, kidding, it's go to PSC.

Danger factor: 10/10. Either could come out disfigured, one could come out deflated, neither will come out disgraced because it's all for charity and one has to win the crown of 阿姐 anyway.

Money raised: $1 million, including bets placed. And a bruised ego.

Stunt #5: City Harvest

Stars: Ho Yeow Sun

Setting: Anyway with a big space with a big congregation looking adoringly at YS.

Stunt: YS hands out offering bags to the hordes of devotees for them to put in their tithes. Don't even need to sing.

Danger factor: Zero. Unless some devotees get so into the mood, they are spiritually slain.

Money raised: $10 million.

Oh...seems like there was never any need to even do five stunts anyway...

Normalcy Restored?

2006-08-08T11:26:00.000+08:00

Having spent the better part of the last few weeks trying to get my verve back, I have to admit that things are finally starting to take on some semblance of normalcy. It's not that I am completely alright again because there is still a stretch to surmount before I can say that, but hey, at least I am finding that I can, somewhat, hold a conversation again. Yeah, when you hear that, you have to wonder how much I bottomed out...

Funny thing is, sometimes (including today, for instance), I can still walk without realization as to whether my consciousness is holding it all together. There are many a times when I have floated, rather than walked, around with my mind not entirely sure of its bearings nor its surroundings. Awesome (I would only classify it as awful if I got into an accident because of it) thing is...I am not even on any kind of medication and I achieved this pseudo-hallucinatory effect all on my own. The blood that courses through my veins must be a natural opiate. Drug abusers, I adjure: Forget Subutex, take my blood instead. Let the name of the Lion City be now known as Vampire City.

Oh yeah, oh yeah...I guess I am chirpier now, started over the weekend. Less grouchy and infinitely less angry (and there is a lot to be angry about). For some reason I have yet to fathom. Maybe, as I told Iceman, I just wore out my own depression, if that's possible.

Just the past Saturday, a date asked me out to accompany her to watch the Singapore Fireworks Festival that was taking place over Marina Bay. Having promised her more than a couple of weeks ago that we'd PLAY POOL, I was just slightly taken aback by the change of plans and more manifestly, the idea that I am watching fireworks with her. I really did not believe that to be a good idea. I'd really prefer to watch such things with my girl.

Now now now. I am not saying that my date was bad company. She's alright, although she could have spoken a little more. Even in my hermetic state of mind, I have had to play the conversationist. How freaking nice.

Blah blah blah. The dinner at the Esplanade worked charmingly. After that was over, we worked our way away from the Esplanade, which was teeming with hordes of bodies, some extremely alluring, others much less so. Important matter was that there was not much standing room left to be found to procure an unobstructed view of the proceedings, so I made the call to move to Fullerton to get a better view of the fireworks display.

We never really made our way there, of course. At the end, I felt that the Esplanade Bridge probably offers as good a view as any other vantage points around the area and I asked her if the bridge will do and she said ok.

And then, the fireworks went off. And it was beautiful. Much more so than I had envisaged. Or maybe I am just a sucker for beautiful things. No matter the number of times I have had seen them. During the time when the night skies were lit in an array of colours, you just had a feeling of being/falling in love. And you might, in good sense, turn around and put an arm around the special one (I do not mean Jose Mourinho in any way) and whisper in his/her ear, "The only thing more beautiful than that, dear, is you." So I turned around, looked at my date for a moment and...

turned back to admire the pyrotechnics again. @#$%^&*.

Lesson: Never watch fireworks with just any Tom, Dick and Harry nor Jane, Susan and Debbie.

Black Holes & Revelations

2006-07-13T09:20:00.000+08:00

The Americans just don't get it.

Muse is a band that draws sharply divided critiques, depending on which side of the Atlantic they originate from. An apposite example would be its latest LP Black Holes and Revelations. Most critics from the British Isles lauded it as an ambitious, grandiose piece of work that explored new soundscape horizons. The Yanks just remarked it to be pompous and perposterous. Who is right? I admit that one hardly aid one's own cause when one of your songs is ludicrously named Knights of Cydonia, but having said that, there is plenty to like in an effort that is, patently, Muse's most accessible to date.

Muse has always come across like The Bends meets Bohemian Rhapsody. A band that, somehow, decided OK Computer wasn't epic enough and so decided to go totally daft on synthesised orchestrations, keyboard flourishes and ear-splitting Metallica arpeggios. From its debut Showbiz to its last album Absolution (which finally broke America), Muse has never strayed from this modus operandi. Indeed, its sound has only gotten progressively tighter, more epic and arguably more over-the-top. It was something you either bought wholeheartedly or just despise. For me, the same old approach was approaching its sell-by date and beginning to sound rehashed to death. It was with much trepidation then, that I approached their latest.

The opener, Take A Bow, started (relatively) understated enough. Full of swirling keyboards and syntheised beats, with nary a guitar in sight, Matt Bellamy proceeded to mumble (rather than to typically screech) his indecipherable lyrics through a meat grinder. "Hmmm, something new, this could be promising...", I told myself. And then, of course, a wall of epic guitars comes crashing into the picture and it's "Same old, same old" then. A leopard just couldn't change its spots, could it? Maybe. Maybe not.

So I was rather surprised by the next track Starlight. Opening with the sound of grinding guitars, the delicate sounds of a piano then breaks the monotony and adds a pop touch that's almost brave, considering the source. It's Keane with guitar bite. It's pop. But most importantly, it's different.

Starlight is followed by the album's first single, the surprisely sexed-up Supermassive Black Hole, where crunching funk is met by Bellamy's Prince-impersonating falsettos. It's a form that Muse has never allowed its musical beast to take shape in and it's quite refreshing. Map of the Problematique continues in the vein of experimentation, sounding like a twisted Depeche Mode, only that David Gahan's masculine baritone is replaced by Bellmay's sinewy shrieks. And the sound is still even more densely layered than Depeche Mode would usually have it. It's still typical Muse overblown work but hey, it marks an offbeat approach.

After the strong opening, it is almost inevitable that the middle might seem to sag in comparison. Soldier's Poem, despite having its heart in the right place, sounds like a filler. Invincible is Muse-by-numbers. And then Assassin comes crashing in.

Assassin opens with (overly) aggressive guitar licks that left me groaning, "So they don't change, do they?" Well, they don't. But Assassin does have a chorus to die for. It's the closest they have come to (besides Exo-Politics) in replicating the formative baby-steps sound of their debut. And it's pretty good. One really does have to look at the fact that only two songs might sound like they have come from their debut that this band has progressed.

I have to disagree with critics who said that the album ends on a strong note. City of Delusion, despite surprising me with acoustic guitars, sounded like a typical Muse track by its end. Hoodoo is not worth mentioning and while Knights of Cydonia had many a critic proclaiming it to be Muse at their imperious best, to me it is simply an impervious mess. Forging a musical equivalent of a fantasy novel by creating a soundscape replete with galloping horses and what-have-yous might sound great on paper but on execution, it's just plain daft. This might explain why I'm not a Rush fan.

Muse is a band you either like or hate. It's rarely just an "ok". But Black Holes and Revelations sees the band creating a relatively more palatable sound that might reach and grab a larger audience for its music. Although the move has alienated some of its core listeners (these are the same people who would call Starlight and Supermassive Black Hole unpleasant sell-outs and adore Assassin to death), it is a sound strategic move that has also seen the band produce its strongest work yet.

Now, as to the question why American critics still do not dig Muse. I can only offer this theory. For too long, the Americans seem to mostly value truth, honesty and sincerity in their music. Which must be why they seem to more eagerly embrace earnest singer-songwriter types/bands and punk bands. This is also the main reason why American audiences usually seem to reject the more arch Brit bands such as Blur and Pulp in the past (Is Franz Ferdinand liked more by the Yanks for their infectious post-punk dance disco or their supreme archness?).

When it comes to Brit bands that sing about ridiculous stuff like aliens and flying saucers, the Americans simply scratch their heads and go "duh?!". Music does not always have to be rooted in reality. OTT imagination/theories can be as potent a muse as everyday occurrences/stories, and just as good.

But hey, the Americans just don't get it.

8/10

Chef Cyclops

2006-07-12T17:17:00.000+08:00

For some unfathomable reason, Cyclops (in short, Cyc) has been appointed the chef of the house in Cyc's humble abode. So suddenly, Cyc is not just figuratively putting food on the table but literally so. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course, since the former chef of the house (Cyc's mum) cannot really do much cooking for the moment and needs ample rest so the impetus has fell on Cyc to feed Cyc's overfed pop.

And anyway, mum doesn't seem to trust pop with the cooking since the man of the house usually goes overgenerous with the oyster sauce when it comes to affairs of the wok. Cyc's brother isn't exactly trusted with the task either. Just yesterday, mum went all ballistic over bro's refusal to allow any condiments to be added to the vegetables when he went over to Cyc's lair to perform cook duties. Now, mum has insisted only Cyc do the cooking. Wah liao eh...

Cyc has, in the past, never imagined how tiring it would be to have to rush home everyday to do the cooking (amongst other things) so now Cyc swear he won't make his gal do such things for him ever...do no do what you no want other to do to you, liao gai boh? As some cock named Bernard Shaw once said. That guy is, of course, dead so why should Cyc listen to him actually?

Anyway, just the other day, Jean Grey asked Cyc about Gerrie and whether Cyc got round to telling Gerrie that he want Gerrie to have his babies. Cyc, of course, never got around to doing anything even close to that. Why? Because Cyc discovered that Gerrie is really the Osama of Singapore.

This is because, with the famed terrorist, the populace of the world at least know that he is in Pakistan milking some mountain goat's tits. With Gerrie, no-one has any idea where she is. Even Google Earth also cannot locate. Wah piang, first time in history, someone harder to track down than Osama.

Osama: Piece of cake to pinpoint compared to Gerrie.

Worse thing is, Cyc no money to offer bounty for Gerrie like Ah Bush on Osama. So jumping onto the opportunistic online-fund solicitation bandwagon, Cyc has decided that he will create a website where generous readers like you can donate to Cyc's worthy cause. Please do your utmost to assist Cyc.

Upon the receipt of $10,000, Cyc will promptly...

...buy a Viet wife to do the cooking for him. Thank God!!!

Real McCoy

2006-07-11T14:56:00.000+08:00

Folks, let me ask you, during the past month when you have been hypnotised by the World Cup, how many times have you done a double-take on some particular player on the pitch and and swore that the person in question is really somebody else? I know I have and after doing some careful research, I've uncovered the true identities of some of the so-called footballers in Germany. Be mindful of the severe shocks that I will unleash before you...you'd never have guessed that these footballers' real identities...

For instance...

Jens Lehmann...at least the name he goes by on the pitch...is really...

Knight Rider...phoah...easy on the breast feeding, Jens...David...Jens David...

The Germans are, of course, full of surprises...

German skipper, Michael Ballack, is really...

Jason Bourne...Ballack is his German alias...go easy with the hair gel lah.

These are nothing really, compared to this next revelation.

Drogba, is, really...

...a chabo kia! No matter everytime I see Didier, I feel like kissing him/her. Come on, Didier, give korkor a hug here...

Ok, that's all the secret identities that I have uncovered. Folks, please do remember to support David Seaman in his new sitcom.

David.

Oh sorry, his name is Earl.

This is my last World Cup post, folks. I won't talk about the tournament anymore. But before that, I just need to say this...

Great header, Zizou! I salute you, Wayne and Daniele (De Rossi). Real men who play football the way it should be played, with guts, blood and glory. And a few busted testicles, caved-in chestplates and rearranged facial features along the way, of course.

PS: Jean Grey asked me to write about Zizou's world-class header and what I thought about it. Sorry, it should really be what I know...because like the Cristy-Wayne affair, me got world-exclusive...but too bad lah, Zizou called me and tell me he wanna tell his own story so I respect his wishes. So ok lah, Botak, you tell the world your story, I leave you alone.

Hell Hath No Fury

2006-07-04T09:31:00.000+08:00

With the WC coming to an end, I can assure readers this will be one of my last posts about footie for a while so non-footie readers can rest easy. You no longer have to read drivel that you do not actually understand and can go back to reading drivel that you might understand. So, first off, before starting my subject proper, I wish to issue an apology to the man, Owen Hargreaves.

Heck, the man is better than I thought he is. Ok, he's still a limited player but he's got heart and I like people with heart. Sven actually saw something the rest of us couldn't see! Great judgment, baldy! And Owen, I apologise. I admit that you might not actually like ice-cream but I still think your hair not very nice lah.

Owen Hargreaves: Was happy until he became visibly upset by my criticism of his hair.

Ok, now onto my real story. In a real scoop, I now publish a world exclusive on the Real story behind the Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo feud and what conspired to lead to that confrontation on the field.

Many of you may not actually know the true relationship between Messrs Rooney and Ronaldo. I find it hard and tedious to explain and type out the entire background story and since a picture tells a gazillion words, I will simply show you this picture.

"Aaaah...yessss...slurp it, Cristy. Harder, harder...AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Please pardon my obssession with English gayness and ice-cream during this WC for there isn't really much else to get obssessed about, seeing that it has been a rather sterile and excitement-free tournament. But yes, folks, Wayne and Cristy has been boyfriend and girlfriend ever since they got together at the rather metrosexual club, Man Utd. And they have been trying desperately to keep it lidded from the world.

Cristy, of course, has always been a faithful girl and has always put up with Wayne's philandering ways. Heck, she even allowed Wayne to get it on with Colleen McLoughlin just to present a smokescreen to the world while he has to get it on rough and dirty with Wayne in extreme privacy or, as can be seen, on the pitch sometimes when urge gets the better of them.

Colleen McLoughlin: Naught but a smokescreen...very very nice screen though.

But every girl has her limits and increasingly, Cristy found herself irritated by Wayne's smokescreen relationship with Colleen and non-committance towards her. She also found herself increasingly attracted to master metrosexual Beckham-san at Real Madrid (which is why Cristy has been trying to get herself a transfer to Real these past few weeks). And let's face it, who wouldn't fall for the celebrated charms of the man when he tantalises you with come-ons like this.

"Come on, Cristy, come on, feel my behind..."

Let it be said, though, that in spite of the kinky invitations from the master, Cristy stayed faithful to her man...until this happened.

"Ricardo, I am sick of Cristy. I want your nuts instead!"

So in full view of his girlfriend, Wayne went for Ricardo's nuts even as he tried to entice Ricardo into licking his arse (which Ricardo valiantly resisted, as can be seen). What is a girl to do when your man, in full view of you, decides to "tackle" another man right in front of you? Of course, you'd flip, wouldn't you? Which is what Cristy did. The rest, as we know, is well chronicled in the papers...well, half of it anyway.

Cristy, seeing how unfaithful Wayne was, naturally went crying to the referee. "Did you see that?!", Cristy screamed. Well, that was the part reported by the papers. What the papers edited out was the later part of the sentence. Cristy then added, "How can my amante do this to me?!"

Wayne, seeing how his girl was bringing their hush-hush affair (and who knows what dirty laundry she might spill so he had to stop her there and then) into the public, did what any spouse-abuser would do. He pushed Cristy roughly away. And, of course, that totally pushed referee Horacio Elinzondo's buttons and he did what any decent man would do. He protected the girl and promptly sent Wayne off for assaulting his girlfriend, before Wayne actually got to the stage of tearing Cristy's bra off on the pitch.

We all know what happened then, or at least you think you do. Let me disclose the truth now. When Cristy was caught winking straight after the sending off by the TV cameras, he wasn't actually winking at Felipe Scolari. He was winking at BECKHAM. Fcuk! Yes, Beckham-san has stolen Wayne's girl from him. What a conspiracy!!! But didn't Cristy ignore Beckham-san?

Did you see Beckham-san crying manfully after he was substituted? Why did he cry? Well, it was because he could no longer stay on the pitch to help his fellow countrymen, you say. Nope, readers. He was crying because Cristy rejected his advances even on the pitch. He chased her so hard around the field that he actually injured his foot and had to be replaced. And upon seeing his tears, Cristy was slowly but surely moved by his sincerity (and is now joining her new lover at Real Madrid). But what about the headbutt Cristy aimed at Wayne just before the match, you ask? Headbutt? Are you nuts? Cristy was trying to kiss Wayne's neck.

Well, as we know, Wayne later tried to barge into the Portuguese dressing room, threatening to "sort her out and cut her in half". Wayne boy, easy with the humping now, dude.

And so this is the true story they didn't want you to know. What's the lesson to be learnt from all this? Well, it's an age-old lesson really.

Hell hath no fury like a girly man scorned. She can easily just end your World Cup there and then.

R&R: Happy days no more...

WC Revelations

2006-06-27T10:18:00.000+08:00

It's a real pity that the World Cup tournament only comes once every four years. For besides being a great sporting spectacle, it is also a sure and true mirror of life. Wouldn't you agree that some of the emotions showcased on the pitch, the disappointments and the euphoria, wouldn't look out of place in daily life?

The WC, indeed, reminded me of some facts of life that is enormously easy to forget, even though I only caught bits and pieces of it. I inscribe these revelations here so that you readers will benefit from the great lessons that God's favourite game imparts on us.

1. Asia is truly 亚洲病夫

Four places in the WC and guess what? All flushed down the toilet bowl after the first round. You have to wonder why the continent is lobbying to receive even more places. Let's look at the performances.

Iran proves once again that the only way they can win or draw a WC match is if they threaten to nuke the opposing nation if they actually won (Mexico didn't buy the bait because half the population is working illegally in the US anyway. Angola complied straight away with the Iranians' order and gave them a draw. As for the Portuguese, the Iranians were too busy trying to copy their greasy hairstyles to submit the demand on time).

Japan is great to look at...literally. It's a team made up of hot metrosexuals (with equally hot mei mei fans) who don't know how to play football. Should have tried sumo or started a career as a Japanese porn actor, Mr Nakata. You look the part.

Saudi Arabia's only reason for being at the WC is to increase the goal scoring average of matches. With them, you get classics like the 8-0 drubbing by Germany during 2002 and a similar 4-0 scoreline against Ukraine. So how could we do without them? With them, the average number of goals per game is 5.78. Without them, it's 1.25. It's obvious. We need them.

Saudi Arabia: The WC just isn't the same without them.

And what about South Korea? What about them?!They won against the only African team that doesn't know how to play football, drew against a team that doesn't know what a goal looks like and lost against a nation known for its chocolate, watches, secret bank accounts and the Alps. What a great footballing nation...and I still have not forgiven that jerk Ahn Jung-Hwan for scoring against Togo and making me lose money.

Ahn Jung-Hwan: Good for scoring against Togo, running naked on beaches and making me lose money only.

2. The greatest actors in the world are of Italian descent

Come on, you know the great Italian actors. You can name them. It's so damn easy...

Marcello Mastroianni, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Leonardo DiCaprio, Roberto Benigni, Francesco Totti, Fabio Grosso.

For Signor Grosso truly proved his mettle last night. Proved that, once again, when it comes to the great art of theatre, the Italians are unparalleled craftsmen. It's in their blood. It's so much a part of them, they can't wait for a chance to show off anytime, anywhere they can. And so Signor Grosso puts on a performance that De Niro would be hard-pressed to come up with. God, I can't wait for Oscar season already...there can only be one winner.

Fabio Grosso: Great Italian thespian, part-time footballer.

3. You don't need looks nor charisma to reel in mei meis

Please take a look at this face, gals, and tell me you don't want to shag this man's brains out. Ohhh, that receding hairline, that genial grin, that pale and pasty complexion and those wire-rimmed glasses. It screams SEXXX (with 3 Xs)! Ok, only if you are a member of the SAVH.

Why oh why then, does Sven-Goran the man get to go hot and heavy with some of the finest looking women on the planet? It's not his looks. And it can't be his charisma. The man makes the bench look animated when he's sitting on it during matches. Unless, well, you like talking to and making love with inanimate bodies. So what can it be?

Well, I guess he must have a Bazooka hidden in his pants and he uses it to threaten women so that he can ravish them.

4. Singapore men: Best in Asia

Amidst all the mediocre Asian men on display in the WC, one man has stood out to be the Best Of the Best (aka BOB). Step forward, BOB (aka Shamsul Maidin)! BOB has shown that Singapore men are the best specimens of Asian manliness during the WC.

Cool, smart, unhurried and always ready with a red card (red is, after all, the colour of passion and we, Singapore men, are full of passion and full of luuurve...so come on for some luuurving, ladies), the man is pure poetry in motion. He gives Asian men a good name they doesn't deserve (except we Merlion men, of course).

But above all, he showcases what fine specimens Singapore men are. So women of Asia, come come to Singapore now and let us, Singapore men sow our pedigree seeds in your holy loins. Spread the good genes around. Before long, by 2050, the WC will only be officiated by Singapore men...but we still won't be able to send a team to play in the WC.

BOB: This way to Singapore men, ladies of Asia!

5. Africans have the best names

Gilles Yapi Yapo, Chouki Ben Saada, Marc Zoro, Joao Mamona Lama, Antonio Lebo-Lebo...the names just roll off the tongue...

Hang on a second, we are the land of Beckham Huang so who are we to criticise? I am just waiting to name my daughter Sharapova really...

Maria Sharapova: My daughter will be named after her and she better looks like her as well...

6. Kopitiams are for eating, not watching football

Especially when the kopitiam is fcuking downstairs and during the 3 am match, every time a goal is scored, those nocturnals scream at the top of their voices "GOOOOAAALLL!!!" while the rest of us are sleeping.

GOAL YOUR BLOODY HEAD LAH, @#$%^&*.

Little Thoughts

2006-06-26T14:55:00.000+08:00

A week is a long time when everything around you seems to be going off at the same time. Especially when most, if not all, the things in question are bad...

*************************************************************************

My fears, indeed, my mum's fears have been realised. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer and the tumour is malignant. There are fears that it might have spread to the skin and she is undergoing tests to ascertain whether other parts of her body has been affected. She has been scheduled to undergo surgery on 5th July where her left breast and one of her lymph nodes will be removed. It has not been an easy time.

I was in the room when the news was first broken to my mum. As I was sitting behind her, I could not see her reactions much. I had to credit the doctor for delivering the news matter-of-factly. I guess he must do it quite often and he was extremely careful. But even then, I was still stunned when the news hit. Speechless, I gazed at the floor, not sure how to react.

Upon our exit from the room, I finally saw my mum's face for the first time. Were those tears I saw welling in her eyes? I was not sure, but she was not taking it well.

"I always knew I'd get it. My whole family's got it. Take care of yourself, I can't always be here for you," she lamented.

And all I could do was put an arm around her, comfort her and say, "It's ok. The doctor already it's a mid-scale operation. You'd be alright once the tumour is removed."

Which is true. The proviso is that it has not spread beyond the breast. It should not.

*************************************************************************

The visits to the hospital are frequent and I have been the one taking up the majority of the load. Fatique (emotional, mental and physical) has crept into my being unbeknown. I do not resent the responsibility but it ebbs the life out of me sometimes. Someone's got to do it though and it's much better that it's me. I probably won't be the one sending her to the hospital's day surgery centre on the 5th or bringing her home on the 6th, but I will definitely visit her after work. Least I could do.

The emotional drainage comes when I listen to her (while she's with me) talk about wills and what she would leave for me when she goes. It's difficult to listen to this when all I am thinking of is to get her well. The contradiction grates. So I am glad when my brother and sister-in-law has been coming home everyday and occupying my mum's time. It allows me some quiet time alone when I can get away from things and not think about them. My mood has not been good and it's not looking like an amelioration is in order.

My brother and sister-in-law coming home everyday has presented an interesting dilemma due to my sister-in-law's overzealousness (it's my mum's complaint) but you have to see where's she coming from. It's much better to care than to be detached.

*************************************************************************

I remain scornful of my dad and sometimes, feel justifiably so. The man seems more worried about money than anything else. Come off it. My mum is the 68-year-old woman who's still working to maintain a steady cash inflow while he has been arching back in his armchair enjoying home comforts for years now. I do not say he doesn't deserve it but he should be mindful that his toiling wife deserves a little better from him.

My mum's condition has, of course, rendered her unable to work for at least a little while, although she did reverse her earlier decision to resign. So she's simply on no-pay leave now. I do not deny it would be the right thing for her if she had resigned, even though it would mean I will be the sole breadwinner and financial burdens will be, all the more, heftier. It is the right thing.

*************************************************************************

I am seething, readers, for my transfer has been annulled. Through no fault of my own. I reproduce for you a sanitised version of an e-mail sent to me.

Hi Cyclops,

As spoken, your management has earlier given us a directive to freeze all postings till after event ABC in view of your department's heavy involvement in the coming big event. As a result, TCSS Department has decided to take in their second choice who can be appointed immediately. As mentioned, even after your department decides to make an exception for you, TCSS was reluctant to change their mind. I'm sorry that this posting did not get through as you desire. We will help get the posting for you now that your department is agreeable to make the exception for you.

Why would you renege on your stand? And if you won't let me go, don't go around giving me nice talks about giving my all while waiting for my oppportunity to leave. The "exception" they made only highlights an organisation that doesn't know what it wants or what it is doing. And in the first place, nobody was aware of such a directive, so in the process, I am denied a perfectly legitimate and great opportunity.

The worse thing was that this whole episode went past me without anybody informing me about it. I had to e-mail the manpower department in question before they finally revealed the truth to me. This is my move, my transfer and you deem it acceptable that I be kept in the dark about it?! If I had not the sense to ask, would I be waiting for months on end with no answers in sight? How very professional! You can consume my fragrant turd, you motherfcukers.

I am seething and vindictive. Someone will pay for this. There will be blood on my cleaver.

*************************************************************************

I do not much like it when people write or talk to me in condescending tones, which is what Wolverine did to me and Magma today in an e-mail. While I cannot speak for her, my initial thoughts were, "Who the fcuk do you think you are?". You are but at the same level as me so don't pretend otherwise.

Jean Grey did complain to him about the way he writes his e-mails before. I am on the end of it now. I will hit him back.

*************************************************************************

I have decided to make my move on Gerrie when I will tell her about my thoughts and feelings the next we meet (if I manage to pin her down to an appointment). Success or not, it at least permits me to move on.

Do I give up too easily? I don't know but a seemingly infinite wait isn't exactly a tasty proposition.

"开口死" 美女

2006-06-19T14:56:00.000+08:00

Being something of an ochlophobic, I usually avoid going to city shopping malls over the weekend in order not to clash with maddening hordes of shoppers trotting through aisles. So it must come as a surprise (to moi) that I availed myself to go Bugis for a short shopping trip.

The crowds were crushing (as usual) at Bugis which came as no surprise. What got me interested though was the realisation of how much I was missing by not going to the city malls during the weekend...for this was when the mei meis come out to play.

To tell you the truth, it was a visual feast. As I was just making my way through Seiyu alone, waves and waves of alluring faces with porcelain features made their way past me. If anybody says Singapore girls are not among the most beautiful in the world, they are probably members of the SAVH. It is probably true that Singapore girls do not really know how to dress nor make-up, but that has nothing to do with their natural beauty. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Having said that though, an incident brought me right back to earth when it came to local girls.

I was queueing up to pay for an item when this luscious babe walked past me to queue behind me. Oh my goodness, I can honestly say that hers was one of the most beautiful faces that I saw that day. She has fine, smooth, fair skin, finely sculptured features and beautiful cascading locks that flowed past her shoulders. She's almost like a goddess.

As expected, I was just trying my best to find any excuse to turn around to bio her. Who wouldn't? And then, her phone rang and she answered the phone...

"Allo, where ah yooo? I add kounter lah, Q veri long leh. Yooo weight lah. You bai tikit all ready not? Watch wat show? I dun wan dat one. Watch "Sleeetheer". I lightk!"

I stopped trying to bio her after that. Later, when she walked past me, all I could do was shake my head.

SG Girls, while I have to say that you must among the most beautiful, too often have I also seen instances whereby the moment you opened your mouth, everything was lost. In Singapore, "开口死" 美女 seems to be a phenomenon that is all too common. It is not just about the voice being sweet but more the manner in which you speak. A lot of the time, it is rather coarse.

Let me give you an example where looks and voice match to perfection. Enter my darling.

Have you ever watched my wife on TV? Listen to her voice and the refined way in which she speaks. Phuah, I tell you, vocal viagra. I am sure a lot of guy folks, when they hear her speak, immediately marikita and pitch up tentages in their pants. She's almost the complete package, I tell you. Face, body, elegance...matched with that teh voice and the way she speaks...wah seh...

Maybe it's just me. Maybe guys are generally not particular about how girls speak and I am the odd one out. I don't know. But for me, I really don't want to see so many girls 开口死 when their looks are so heavenly. The image just clashes too sharply for me.

But what to do? You tell me lah. I also don't know.

PS: Cock lah, not as if I talk like Ian McKellen like that...talk so much for fcuk then...

赢 Ki Lan

2006-06-16T14:19:00.000+08:00

Some of you might wonder why it took me so long to actually bother writing about the World Cup. Well, haven't I caught the World Cup Fever? Well, yes and no. I caught it early on on June 9th but the malaise has subsided since then. Staying up late every night to watch football matches is really a disease (as countless football widows will attest to) and even while I am an avid football fan, I recognise it's not something sustainable.

I am here, today, to write about everybody's favourite national team in Singapore. And no, it's not even Singapore. We must be the most patriotic nation in the world, yeah? It's 赢 Ki Lan. And based on the past two matches that they've played, that's precisely what they'd achieve. 赢 Ki Lan.

I won't dissect 赢 Ki Lan's play and start offering theories and reasons as to why I think the team won't win the World Cup. What I offer instead, are a few simple observations about the team.

First off, can someone tell me exactly what is the nature of the relationship between Owen Hargreaves and Sven-Goran Erikson? Because I cannot see, for the life of me, what the rather fey Hargreaves is doing in Germany and what more, actually getting playing time while Michael Carrick is getting splinters in his butt from all the benchwarming.

There can only be two reasons for this phenomenon. One, Sven and Owen are hot gay lovers and off screen, Owen is eating Sven's ice cream. This is really ok because the temperature in Germany has been searing and players need to cool down one way or another. And what better way to cool down than eat ice cream?

Two, it's the Star Wars quandary.

Sven: "Listen, you are useless and I don't really have any reason to send you onto the pitch, but...Owen, I'm your father..."

Has anyone else noticed, like me, that David Beckham's best performance during each match usually occurred during half-time?

Yes, that was when that Gillette Nitro advert came on and David, in all his metrosexual glory, seductively shaves a whole lot of mousse off his finely sculptured chin. And then after clearing all that chemical waste from his chin, he shoots a devastating look at you with a twinkle in those mesmerising eyes that screams (to both men and women), "Yes , yes, yesssssssss, fcuk me, baby!" Yes, David, I concur so fcuk you.

Gillette Nitro: Shaves your head, chin and chest but not your arms.

Does anybody else, like me, believe that Sven the man will regret not bringing that Tottenham midget to Germany? No, I am not in advocacy of the merits of the arrogant gap-toothed one but having four strikers, out of which three are crocks and one's a cock, doesn't really make for sound reading. Of course, maybe Sven just didn't want to bring another cock to Germany. One's enough, I suppose. Well, whatever it is, it's fait accompli.

Jermain Defoe: "Sven, bring me to Germany, please! What Owen can do, I can do better! Let me demo..."

And finally, to all 赢 Ki Lan fans, I really do not understand this but whenever Lam Pa misses, he has this strange habit of sticking his tongue out and licking all over his lips. Don't believe me? Watch the next 赢 Ki Lan match. Can someone explain to me why he does that? It makes him look like an oversized cat in heat. Maybe he wants some ice cream too?

PS: 赢 Ki Lan can also be an apt adjective to describe the state of my football betting. Although I had infamously told some of my Office X-Men© that the nuclear Iranians should die for letting me down and the Kimchis (especially that fcuker Ahn Jung-Hwan) should die too for not letting Asia down, I relent on my death wish for the Kimchis for the sake of their hot, perky fan(s).

Korean fan(s): Perky in more ways than one.

End Of The Road

2006-06-14T10:36:00.000+08:00

When I received the email that read, "Hi Cyclops, you have been found suitable by XXX for the post of Talk Cock Sing Song Executive post. Are you keen to take up this post?", I was more than surprised by the news. It was the one post I didn't expect to get since I thought I did horrendously for the written test part of the interview. And what was the question?

"Do you think globalisation has made our lives better?" (Ans: Of course! Without globalisation, you think you can watch your Korean idols and dramas ah? Your idol will probably be someone like Huang Wenyong and we'd still be watching local dramas like 雾锁南洋10之再战江湖. Hmmm, this is not a bad title...)

Huang Wenyong: If not for globalisation, he'd still be number one in S'pore gals' hearts.

Duh, what kind of cock question is that? Nothing to do with the work and so standard GP. If they can anyhow ask questions like this during interviews, how come they don't ask me more interesting questions like "Why is it most men's fantasy to have a Japanese wife?" (Ans: They watched too much porn.) Like that, at least I can give a decent and coherent answer in 45 minutes.

I'd readily admit that I thought my answer to that written test was run-of-the-mill. Worse thing was that I thought the organisation of my ideas was very poor and the essay did not flow at all. So how did I get the job?

I can only attribute it to 4 things: (1) I consciously used very big words and flowery language to disguise the haphazard structure of my essay. Evidently, this strategy worked. See, my dear readers, all style and no substance gets you very far. (2) My experience in my current post which doesn't stand up to much scrutiny anyway (but too bad, they took my bluff because I looked decidedly in charge during the interview and was the one asking questions rather than the interviewers. It's one way of preventing them from asking what I do...by occupying them with my own questions. This also makes me look enthusiastic.) as pointed out to me by Jean Grey. Wait, didn't she get stabbed by Wolfy? (3) The other candidates must really be crappy! And (4), the biggest reason, Cyclops looks good. Very good indeed.

Oh, blimey, but who's this bloody handsome bugger? It's just like looking into a mirror...

So it looks like I've got one of my resolutions for the year fulfilled: To get a posting out of The Office© by the end of the year. Only left with one more. Get a girl by the end of the same period. This one's much trickier (and do NOT ask me about Gerrie) because it's nowhere in sight.

But life's full of surprises...so you never know...

So it looks like it's coming to the end of the road for me at The Office©. It has surely been a glorious time. Where else can I find the time to blog so much and form The Office X-Men©? But all good times must come to an end...I suppose.

Malaysia Boleh

2006-06-08T09:49:00.000+08:00

By now, most of you must have read the news about Malaysia's attempt (The Malaysian space agency called Angkasa...read backwards, it really means saka Ang...moh) to send their very first astronaut into space via lompang a Russian spacecraft. Now normally, I would let our lovely neighbours get away with this kind of overhype (Go space, go space loh, big fcuk ah. Russians can send dog to space, I am sure they don't mind lompang some foreign tourists for a ride) since they so good to sell us water and food, but seeing how they keep harping on it like it's some kind of great feat, I just gotta tear them to shreds.

First off, please lah, the only reason why the poor poor Russians with their roubles send you to space is because you buy billion dollar aircraft from them. If not, you think they hiu you ah? Singapore also buy billion dollar aircraft but we don't go around asking others to send our people into space, we Singapore have integrity (Erm, actually we just want a different kind of space...air space)!

Just imagine, what the Russian astronauts must be thinking...

Russian space programme director: Fellow comrades, for this mission, you will be accompanied by a most esteemed colleague from Malaysia to aid you in your operations.

Russian astronaut: Sir, what is the role of this foreign comrade for this mission?

Space director: Why you fcuk care?! Their old senile ex-PM buy billion $$ aircraft from us so we do him a favour lah. As for his or her role, he/she is the official caterer. He or she bring teh tarik and roti canai to serve you.

Russian astronaut: ... ... ...ahem, might the "she" be pretty'?

Space director: Hahahahaha...if want pretty, we get China buy our aircraft and send China mei mei up liao. Go do your jobs lah or comrade Putin will castrate you personally. And don't let those Malaysians touch any instruments. Tell them: Once broken, considered sold.

Actually, if the Malaysians know their role and know their place, it'd have been alright but no, they actually wanted to send their astronaut to space in batik? Duh?! Considering their role, I think they wear this better.

Suitable attire for the Malaysian astronaut. Accessories such as wok, push cart, LPG optional.

Don't you think that this attire is more suitable, considering they are merely caterers for the flight?

Of course, keeping in mind the Malaysians' idea that they should wear batik when they go up into space, I'd was thinking that if we also send astronaut into space, the average Singaporean astronaut should look like this.

Uncle Lim: Singapore's future first astronaut?

Isn't this an apt attire to represent Singapore? But...no way, you protest. Even if the outfit is spot on, Singapore won't send such an old astronaut. Are you sure? We got just about the oldest MM in the world and also the oldest living President in the world. Might as well send the world's oldest astronaut to space what. And Uncle Lim will do Singapore proud, he fries a mean char kway teow. I'm sure the Russians will appreciate a good char kway teow in space.

Alternatively, of course, they can send a local mei mei in her original "average Singapore girl wear" into space and conduct medical experiments such as the treatment of nosebleeding in space.

Singapore mei mei astronaut: Great for space medical experiments.

All in all, I still gotta congratulate the Malaysians. It's nice that you set realistic targets and achieve them. At least you didn't concoct hare-brained ideas like Goal 2010. Good for you then. Here's hoping that the below picture and headline will be a regular feature in future papers.

Malaysian astronaut fails 120th attempt to tarik teh in space.

All together now...Malaysia Boleh!

So Here We Are

2006-06-07T11:52:00.000+08:00

I caught a glimpse,

but its been forgotten

So here we are

Again

I made a vow,

to carry you home...home

I really tried

to do what you wanted

It all went wrong

Again

I made a vow,

to carry you home

If you fall sick,

if you pass out

I figured it out,

I can see again

From So Here We Are by Bloc Party

A Silent Prayer

2006-06-06T11:12:00.000+08:00

There's a palpable fear in my mum's voice when she told me about this a few days ago. A fear that ate into my consciousness from the moment I heard her words. My mum felt a lump in her left breast and will be going for a test at TTSH sometime this week when she gets her appointment.

My maternal extended family has a history of cancer. My grandfather passed away because of it. My second uncle committed suicide when he could no longer stand the pain from the treatments that he was receiving. My late youngest aunt was the last victim of a disease that seems to run hereditary. This is not something I want to reminisce about.

Yet, truth is, I was almost waiting for it. Waiting for something like this to hit me. Almost envisaged it. I must be quite a piece of work when it comes to pessimism.

But we know nothing yet unless the tests are run. It could all be a superfluous worry. Well, it better be. It ought to be. That's what I want it to be. I also wish it was the only thing on my mind.

Bad things when they come, they come in a avalanche, seemingly to bury you alive. I wonder why I have to learn the truth about certain things at this particular point in time. A time when I ought to be just thinking about my mum. Ignorance is bliss but truth liberates. I guess it is for the better in the end. You cannot run away from what is real. It still bloody hurts though. Was I expecting anything less?

Life still goes on. No point putting a face of solemnity and bringing everyone (including my mum) down. But beyond my folderol, I say a silent prayer that my mum is alright and this turns out to be a false alarm. That's all that matters. Everything else, I can take care of myself.

The Weekend

2006-06-05T14:33:00.000+08:00

Lazyitis has conquered me again and I have found myself rather disinterested in posting anything here for the past two weeks or so. I'd have reviewed X-Men: The Last Stand last Tuesday but then again, found my potential energy (AKA inertia) too arduous to overcome.

Anyway, as a rebuff to Iceman's words in his latest post, I disagree that (a) X-Men 3 is worth 5 popcorns. It's worth about 3. I'd throw the other 2 at the screen and declare Brett Ratner a patronising schmuck for the "surprise" ending scene he adds right at the end of the movie (when the credits have ended).

And (b), I prefer Mystique to Rogue. We already know girls can kill you with a touch, that's nothing new. Don't believe me? Try touching any girl on an MRT and see how you die lah.

And is an ordinary girl fun? Yes, possibly, but I'd still prefer Mystique over Rogue for the simple reason that she's a thousand women in one. Life can be never be boring when you are making whoopie with Angelina Jolie on Monday, Zhang Ziyi on Tuesday, Maria Sharapova on Wednesday...(btw, even the de-superpowered human Mystique looks good, especially when she was lying stark nekkid on the floor of the truck)

Talking about the sexy Russian siren, little Miss Sharapova, she and little Miss Daniela Hantuchova just robbed me of any incentive to watch the French Open after both of these sexy Eastern European chicks crashed out of the tournament.

It's a crying shame really. Take a look at the picture on the left. Have you ever seen anyone play tennis in babydoll nighties like this? I really hope Maria would consider playing in her lingerie next in Wimbledeon and then after that, hopefully, anything (or rather, everything) goes!

Continuing on the subject of sports, as you would expect most British pundits to do, after a routine 6-0 drubbing of a most embarrassing Jamaica (so embarrassing, in fact I think Singapore might beat them 3-0) , England have been tipped to bring the Cup back to England (England might be where the game was born but wasn't the World Cup a French lad's idea?). And Peter Crouch has suddenly become the best striker in the world after Thierry Henry, Ronaldo and Nor Alam Shah. Bring on Brazil, they say, 40 years of dreaming for the sleeping giants is about to end! Come on, you Brits...40 years sounds more like a coma to me, so pull out the tubes, die a gracious death and let us all get over this (4-yearly) rhetoric.

My weekend was sprinkled with doses of ill luck.

First, I forgot to buy a familiar, friendly 4D number which I knew would regularly turn up to wave at me and ask to collect winnings. So this past weekend, following my failure to bet on it, that number duly showed up and waved a middle finger at me. It was a starters prize winner.

And then this morning, a close member of the family died on me. Yes, my Zen Neeon just hung suddenly and I couldn't activate the controls nor turn it off. How nice! Now maybe I gotta send the little blessed thing to the Zen workshop for it to be zenctifed....and you wonder how come Ah Sim's products can't fight with Ah Steve's products. It's not just about marketing and doing panda commercials, Ah Sim. At least make sure your products don't just suddenly hang like that lah. @#$%^&*.

I ate a very sinful meal on Saturday. Basically, during weekends, I have a tendency to cook myself a whole greasy brunch of potato chips, pork chops and sunny-sideups. There's enough oil used in my cooking here to fuel a generator for a month...and it has all ended up in my stomach. If only my insurance company knew, I think they'd regret the day they signed me up.

I also did another rather sinful thing this past weekend. I allowed sloth to get the better of me and didn't attend church service...oh, wait, that happens just about every weekend. Well, as Jesus would say, "Repent, you SOB!"

Fragances

2006-05-24T10:49:00.000+08:00

I think most of us have stood next to a foul-smelling person in the trains, buses or other forms of public transport. By foul-smelling, I mean smells like the notorious 酸菜 smell (what I call fermenting vegetables smell), BO or well, just plain torrential perspiration. I especially detest standing next to a person who smells of 酸菜. I can understand that, at the end of a working, one might smell of perspiration or something and I'm ok with that. But that 酸菜 stench has more to do with someone not washing his clothes or not bathing for a reasionable amount of time. And anyway, even with perspiration, I think it is nothing that a good EDT (Eau de toilette) can't mask. But 酸菜? Goodness me...

I am a person who's very particular about smells (as you can tell). I just find that a person who looks good but doesn't smell good will leave a horrible impression, no matter how good he/she looks. And I don't know, but a nice smelling person is just, that bit, easier to cosy up to, isn't he/she? Well, at least for me. Mind you, I am only talking about gals, ok...so guys, I don't give a donkey's arse if you smell like Paris Hilton.

Since I am so particular, I naturally must be armed to the hilt with frangances, right? Wrong! I only have two bottles of fragances in my possession right now and therefore, am looking to add a third one. The two fragances I use are Boss In Motion (Hugo Boss) and Cool by Dashing. What the heck is Dashing?

Sorry lah, it is the cheap $10 fragance you get from NTUC. I just don't see the point in applying Boss everyday to work because why the heck would I need to smell especially nice to the other Office X-Men©? Besides Dashing is functional and is a pretty strong musk...although the scent smells excessively like Lux Soap to me. Is that good or what? I don't know...I just know that I smell like I permanently just stepped out of the showers.

Back to the third fragance that I am eyeing. I really have no definite idea on which one I like. I had sent a friend off at T1 last week and just popped by one of the shops to look at the fragances (By the way, are airport fragances really sold at a cheaper price compared to town prices? If so, I'd make another trip to the airport to buy. Anyway, the airport shops have an added advantage of placing all the different brands on adjacent shelves so I don't move around too much to test them, unlike city shops where I have to go to different counters to look at the different brands).

I tested Hugo Purple and found that I quite liked the scent.

There was also Givenchy's Irresistible.

And then, there's CK's Obsession.

In truth, I still haven't exactly made up my mind on what to buy (although I quite fancy Hugo Purple...partly because of its packaging) and there are so many other brands and fragances that I haven't looked at nor tried. But then again, you can't possibly look at (and smell) everything, could you? I uess I'd just make another trip down to the airport one of these days to look at the fragances again.

Meanwhile, happy shopping to all you shopaholic folks, with the GSS upon us again. I am a bit of a shopaholic as well and I DO believe in the concept of shopping therapy. So I'd understand if any girl goes on one...hah. Anyway, I spotted a nice pair of hiking slip-ons yesterday at WOS priced at $109. And armed with a $100 WOS voucher, I only need to pay $9 for them. Now tell me if that isn't a bargain or what?!

South Park X-Men

2006-05-24T10:15:00.000+08:00

In response to Fan Club, who asked if there is a South Park illustration of Magneto, well, there is and I am posting some of the more well-known characters in this post for anyone's enjoyment of these cute cartoon caricatures.

Magneto

Juggernaut

Mystique

Toad

Pyro

Sabretooth

Multiple Man

Office X-Men© Update

2006-05-19T11:24:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I wrote anything about the Office X-Men© (I now realised that the Office X-Men should really be copyrighted and not trademarked since it's (great) intellectual property) so I figured that I'd just do a brief update on each and every single Office X-Men© here, old and new (you will also observe that I've reclaimed my rightful title as Cyclops)...

Office X-Men© still trapped in The Office©:

Rogue: The Boss just got promoted this month so she's seems to be hyper-on-the-bola right now. A few days ago, Jubilee even related to me an incident when Rogue described a piece of work by Banshee and Jubilee as "crap"...it's the first time I've heard her use such a word on our work, although her tone wasn't angry or anything like that. With greater pay comes greater responsibilities, I suppose. Oh dear, what cock am I talking here? Greater pay really means you get to push greater responsibilty to others...

Wolverine: Still and always the most enthusiastic worker around. The model company man, if ever there was one. One episode, which happened quite a while back illustrates this point to perfection. Jean Grey was handed a piece of work which should probably be done by some other department. Disgruntled, she went to complain to Wolverine about it. Wolverine, ever the supportive company man, told her that while he understands her frustrations , she should just, as Nike puts it, "Just do it". Duh?! Do we look like Nike to you, sir?!

Jubilee: Ever since my ex partner-in-crime-fighting-and-saving-the-universe got shifted to another another team, she has been busier than a bomb squad in Iraq with quite a big project in hand. Now being busy is a good thing, but not when you can't find meaning in what you are doing or you don't like what you are doing and Jubilee seems jaded to me. Well, even superheroes need a break.

Jean Grey: JG has just come back from a 1 1/2 day MC and she has been working the whole morning so far. Me? I don't know what I've been doing and have been blogging so far. See the contrast? Hard worker. Well, that is why JG has been promoted (as well) and congrats to her! With promotion and more money, I'd expect her to buy more CDs to listen to so that I do not have to listen to the same pieces of music she plays over and over again.

Shadowcat: Shadowcat never really changes. She still lets all the shite in this Office© pass through her like she passes through walls. Unflappable. Most times at least...she does get stressed too, you know, especially now that she's working in a mid-longish project with Banshee and Jubilee. But hey, it's water off a duck's back.

Banshee: Banshee will always be Banshee, loud, louder and loudest. I've grown more tolerant towards him though because well, I've gotten used to it and what the fcuk can I do about it anyway?! I can choose to ignore him but well, I'm already doing that most times anyway. He's disturbing the girls most, if not all of the time but hey, I'm still within earshot.

Nightcrawler: I've never being able to pin this character effectively on any one person until I met the REAL Nightcrawler. He is this ang mo lang from NY who is attached to our department for the next two years. The guy just seems to vanish and disappear without trace from the Office© anytime he fancies. It's almost as if he really can teleport himself here, there and everywhere at will. Even now, nobody has an inkling of an idea where he is...and yes, he is NOT in the Office© today.

Beast: The new MENSA guy. As smart as Beast and just as ugly too. Anyway, like I mentioned in the past, he'd finish a three-day piece of work in three hours (MENSA 就是 MENSA) but now, he seems not so on-the-bola anymore, not raising any weird issue he read off the Yellow Pages to Rogue. Good, because it means he's getting more astute in spotting issues, what's important and what's not. His work is getting better too...which can only mean one thing: He'd be outta here before long.

Magma: What more can I say about her? Her work is, for lack of a better word, still @#$%^&*. She still springs (unpleasant) surprises on other people by suddenly declaring herself ill in the mornings and giving other X-Men© panic attacks by having to scrmable to cover her duties. She still doesn't understand other people's instructions (or anything) and others don't really understand her as well. And now that she's recently gotten married, she's gone all lovelorn over her boy boy and misses him day and day (I don't know about night). Hey, actually I don't even know if she's around!

Angel: I used to be Angel (or Archangel) until I realised that no way can I be called an Angel nor call myself one, so I am handing over this title to one of our Assistant Officers, for three simple reasons. First, I like him. He's a nice, simple and honest guy. Secondly, he's a rich man's son, just like Angel. Finally, I think he'd fly the coop as soon as his studies are over. Good for him, there are better things waiting for him outside.

Scarlet Witch: Funny why I said ONE of our Assistant Officers because there are only two anyway, so this is the other. A vainpot and a braggart, do I really have anything nice to say about her? I don't know...but at least she does have a way with NS boys, altering the way they behave much the way SW changes the way matter behave. And oh, she's another of the about-to-get married battalion...for ages.

Cyclops: Back to using only my eye-power to do my "work" after my major project has been completed. Ok, actually I have another one coming up but hey, it's not due yet and there's still some time so until then, I'd hang loose. Or until the time I break loose from here...

Office X-Men© still trapped in The Office© (Other branches):

Storm, Gambit and Husk: I used to call Storm, Psylocke, until I couldn't find Psylocke's picture and found that Storm suited her more because Storm is also Indian...oops! Would the anti-racial profiling and discrimination net police shut me up for this? Gambit is well, his usual boring self. Anal, straight-laced and red-eyed pining for his true love, 杀破狼. As for Husk, she had gone for some interview at some other civil service department. I wonder how she's done since I forgot to ask her about it everytime I see her. Hope she gets it!

Office X-Men© no longer in The Office©:

Colossus and Professor X: Colossus I still see once in a while because when he comes for a meeting or training session, he'd drop by. And why wouldn't he? His lovely better half, Jubilee, is here. While for Prof X, he still calls me quite often. Usually to ask stupid questions like: How many zeroes are there in 一亿? For all you uninformed, it's 8 zeroes and 一亿≠One billion ok! Don't confuse Chinese numerals with English numerals.

My Outside X-Men© crime-fighting buddies:

Bishop and Iceman: Hunky Bishop has been happily attached for over a year now and will probably be posted to China for a short stint of a few months by the end of this month, where there might or probably will not be any live Tv broadcasts. Which means he will miss the World Cup. Being the good friend that I am, I have offered to rub salt into the wound by conveying all the excitement of the Cup via SMS to him. He has, of course, threatened to cancel his mobile subscription because of this. Worry not, brother. I will keep my SMSes short and sharp, keeping mainly to messages like "Hahaha" and "Loser". And there's always BBC Radio lah, don't get depressed yet. As for Iceman, I used to call him Beast until our real Beast came along in the Office©. He's still single and unattached and looking for a good girl so if any nice good is interested in a nice fluffy blue lohtee boy, please email me and I will set the two of you up. With kaya and gu you.

Poseidon

2006-05-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

Question: What is one recent example of a good ocean-based disaster movie that is engaging and thrilling?

Answer: The Perfect Storm

Wolfgang Petersen is a director who seems to know the oceans and their dangers and is someone whose career seemed tightly wound around this theme. He, of course, became famous of Das Boot and the film helped him cross over to Hollywood. And having made a perfect example of how an ocean disaster film ought to be made, he has now provided an example of how NOT to make an ocean disaster movie. And that film is Poseidon.

Poseidon is a remake of the oldie The Poseidon Adventure. I can basically summarise the entire plot of the film in one line: On New Year's Eve, the luxury ocean liner, Poseidon, capsizes after being swamped by a rogue tidal wave and the survivors are left to fight for survival as they attempt to escape the sinking ship. That's it.

Now I enjoy action pictures and understand that the plots are nothing more than clotheslines on which action setpieces are hung. That's not a problem. But I do demand one thing: The film should at least supply me with characters whom I can/should care about/root for or at the very least, plausible characters whom I can see and understand. Do not patronise me with cardboard cutouts with as much personality as an amoeba. Yet, this is exactly what Poseidon gave me.

I can list out the list of characters (and the actors) for you: They are Dylan (Josh Lucas), an ex-navy seaman whom I have no idea what he is doing now; Robert (Kurt Russell) and Jennifer (Emmy Rossum), a rich former NY mayor who is an ex-firefighter and whose wife has left him and his daughter; Maggie (Jacinda Barrett) and Conor (Jimmy Bennett), (usually) anxious mother and son; Richard (Richard Dreyfuss), architect of the ship or maybe some other ships; Christian (Mike Vogel), Jennifer's boyfriend and soon-to-be husband; Lucky Larry (Matt Dillon), obnoxious rich man and Elena (Mia Maestro), a stowaway.

And that is all you need to know about them because that's also probably all you'd know about them anyway. And from the list alone, you should know who survives and who doesn't...after all, the irritable always dies and a hero got to sacrifice himself at the end for the good of all...altough I have to confess I actually wished more amongst this group had perished.

As for the action itself, there are passable setpieces on offer that is reasonable fun ( I can't name them because I actually can't remember them) but I am curious about something. Petersen shoots these action scenes without too much tension, allowing the characters to pass through them relatively easily. I almost feel like he couldn't be half-arsed at milking even a little more excitement out of the whole predicament. So the question I had for myself is: If the director was not interested in the situations in which he has placed his characters in, how can and why should I be interested?

At the end of the day, is it a good popcorn summer flick? I hesitate to say that. It is passable and if you really haven't got anything better to watch (or do), maybe, just maybe, you might want to catch it. But otherwise, I can't really recommend a movie where I thought that the film would not suffer even if the ending did not have any survivors at the end. I actually felt it wouldn't have made a difference at all. After all, we are looking at thousands of other stock characters drowning and burning to death and we are supposed to care about these few colourless individuals surviving the ordeal?!

When Roger Ebert reviewed Poseidon, he used one word to describe the film: Perfunctory. I can completely agree with that. But I also have another word to add: Unnecessary. It was unnecessary to make such a by-the-numbers blockbuster just to fill up the summer calendar and it is also unnecessary for audiences to catch it.

5/10

Guide To World Cup Survival

2006-05-11T12:51:00.000+08:00

World Cup Fever will soon be upon us again! With slighly less than a month to go before the actual tourney begins and before TNP, Nationbuilder Times and FHM start some crappy joke version of a guide to World Cup (short: WC...hmmm, sounds crap to me) survival, I shall put down my own version here so that my esteemed readers (including PM Lee) shall know exactly how and what to prepare for the month-long festival of futbol, as the Germans call it.

The WC Survival Kit:

These are the things which you need to prepare for the WC in order to ensure your survival during your month long existence on the couch, they include the following:

Drink: Beer. I would usually advocate water as a much healthier alternative to beer but come on, during the WC, drink water? That's like for your wedding dinner, you treat everyone to a plate of char kway teow at the banquet. That simply will not do! It does not fit the occasion. And as for soft drinks and other sugared drinks, imagine downing such beverages every night...by mid-June, you'd need insulin injections after every match. So beer is it! And anyway, beer is healthy. It doesn't have too many calories and isn't too fattening. More importantly, it helps you to sleep. That'd come in handy when you lose $6,000 betting on Brazil beating Australia only for the Aussies to cause the greatest upset in the history of the WC.

Beer (Any brand): Official beverage of WC 06

Food: Quick-cooking oven-ready pizzas or Q-Bite. I strongly advise against potato chips and other salted snacks because heck, they are unhealthy and in a month-long celebration of sports, the last thing I want to suggest is unhealthy snacking over such a extended period. Yet, I won't advocate "healthy" foods like muesli bars, organic fruits and nuts either. Why? Because muesli bars, organic fruits and nuts are food you throw to feed monkeys in the zoo. If you want to eat, eat REAL food, understand? So stuff yourself silly with pizzas and chicken nuggets and chicken wings from Q-Bite (Am I due for some advertising commission here?) and the best thing is, this shite takes only 5 mins to cook!

Muesli Bars: Food for monkeys

Rest: MC booklet on standby. Why do you need MCs? So that can get the next day off and get your beauty sleep lah (although the kickoff times for this WC is a worldly 10pm and 12pm)! But I am not entirely sure where you can buy MC booklets. The next best thing that you can do is, of course, to saka your neighbourhoood or family doctor (start now!) so that by the time, the WC comes along, the moment you appear at his/her clinic's doorstep, he or she would just tear off an MC slip and let you fill in whatever number of days you need. Just make sure that the doctor you are trying to saka is the friendly sort and not some grumpy old SOB who would tell you to fcuk off and stop malingering. And if the doctor happens to be a pretty and friendly female, even better. And if the doctor is a pretty, friendly and SINGLE female , I would suggest you chase her and make her your wife. It always helps to have a steady stream of MCs available anytime anywhere...after all, we guys still have NS duties to dodge.

If your family/neighbourhood doctor looks like this and is friendly and single...just tackle her lah

Fitness: You may not see the relevance in this but I'd tell you why. 人有三急. We all need to piss, shit and erm...have sex? But I am a sensible person so I am not gonna give you guys some stupid suggestion (Which FHM doubtless would) and tell you all to install toilet bowls in your living room or beside your bed so that you can piss or shit without missing a single moment of action. That's stupid lah. All I can suggest is that you build up your fitness and your speed by training regularly now so that by early June, you can sprint to the toilet, piss and shit all you want, clean up and sprint back in six seconds flat. So you'd have guessed it, my fitness not only refers to your leg muscles but also the muscles in your privates and arse (and its hole) so that you can just shoot out your excretion in triple-quick time. Anyway, think long term! By the end of it all, you'd be the only guy in your unit who can complete the shuttlerun in 3.6 seconds flat (although it's too bad they don't give extra points for breaking world records) and your missus/girlfriend will be mighty impressed by the tautness of your derriere and your muscular little brother...

Emergencies: Here are some VERY IMPORTANT phone numbers you should take note of, so that in the case of an emergency, you can quickly dial these numbers to receive some help. They include McDonald's (6777 3777), Pizza Hut/KFC (6235 3535), Canadian Pizza (6241 0241) and Good Samaritans (1800 221 4444). I included the last one because, as I mentioned, just in case you lose $6,000 betting on Brazil beating Australia only for an upset to occur, you might feel like killing yourself. Please then call the Good Samaritans number. I can only hope that the counsellor on the other end of the line is a chio mei mei whose sweet voice can reinvigorate your life-force and show you that, hey, life is good! It is after all, full of mei meis.

Entertainment: Hold your horses, you say, but we are getting entertainment galore already! Not for you, you dumbo! It's for your better half. As we all know, the WC produces hordes of WC Widows every four years. I was going to say that womenfolk ought to understand that the WC only comes once every four years while we have an eternity to spend with you (That's not true, I hear you girls protest. We only spend our living days on earth together but well, from the perspective of guys, it really feels that long...), so just let us off the leash for one month and we'd go back into our kennels once we are done. But you girls wouldn't understand, would you? Nope, I doubt it. So guys...girls get entertained only by three things: shopping, hunks and travel. I am sure none of us is stupid enough to trust our better halves with our credit cards and shopping (that might sound weird, they are our better halves yet we shouldn't trust them with these? Trust me, when it comes to shopping and credit, the brainiest woman turns into a dribbling retard) so shopping is out! What about hunks? Are you fcuking outta your mind to even ask me about this? So finally the last option is travel...send them far far away where they can do what they want and we are left to do what we want. But sending them overseas only increases the danger of them being exposed to shopping and hunks so what to do? Send them to the only destination where it's safe to send them loh...as illustrated below:

No shopping but hunks aplenty and the important point is: You can trust these men with your wife/girlfriend...I think...

PS: I seek the understanding and tolerance of all female partners of footie fans. You girls should understand that men have only three things on their minds and they are (including the percentage which they occupy the mind): Sports (mostly football) 50%; Sex 45%; and God 5%. For the less Godly among men, there is no God so it's Sex 50%.

During WC football season, the percentages change to Sports 90% and God 10%. Why God now increase to 10% and Sex drop to 0%? God gets 10% because we pray fervently that the teams we betted on win their games and also we pray that our wives/girlfriends would shut the hell up while we are watching matches...so we are VERY in touch with God during WC season...

Also, you'd notice that this is the only month in four years where your husband/boyfriend won't badger you to have sex...so I don't know. You girls might either be very happy or distressed about this. If the former, then you complain for fcuk?! And it's time to get a divorce, girl. If the latter, please forgive us...God didn't create men to multi-task...

Ringleader Of The Tormentors

2006-05-10T09:41:00.000+08:00

"Even now in the final hour of my life, I'm falling in love again"
From "Life is a Pigsty"

Since the heady days of the legendary Smiths, Stephen Patrick Morrissey had not always produced work that is consistently rewarding or well-received. There were critics who said that his fans has outgrown his version of teen miserablism and that he was simply been left behind as time advanced. So it certainly came as surprise when, after a seven year hiatus, his last album "You Are The Quarry" was not only well-praised by many critics but also well-loved by his fans (and beyond?), becoming his best ever seller amongst his solo catalogue. It is little wonder then that his followup "Ringleader Of The Tormentors" became highly anticipated. Would the Mozzer continue his rejuvenation and create an even greater impression on the public's consciousness? Or would he revert to his old ways and disappoint his fans with his moaning and complaints?

Fans would, therefore, be mighty pleased to hear that "ROTT" continues much in the vein of "YATQ". In truth, I never saw much difference between "YATQ" and his previous works. It might have been slightly different in form but Morrissey never really changed when it came to subject matters closest to his heart. He was still miserable, droll, angry and desperately looking for love. But in "ROTT", it seems that Morrissey has finally found a resting place for his affections.

"ROTT" opens with the Middle-Eastern tinged "I Will See You in Far-off Places" that, as its style implies, is about conflicts in the Middle-East, especially the Iraq War, with the line "...and if the USA doesn't bomb you, I believe I will see you somewhere safe" particularly telling. Same old, same old then. After all, "YATQ" contained "America Is Not The World".

However, it is the next track, the Ennio Morricone assisted "Dear God Please Help Me" which signals a change in direction for the Mozzer. Majestic and touching, it talks about Morrissey finally finding love in Rome (where most of this album was recorded). While I do find the line "There are explosive kegs between my legs" a little comical, the final verse where Morrissey talks about his heart feeling free (and finding fulfilment) is unusually touching. Dynamite testicles aside, I can't help but feel happy the Master has finally managed to find some happiness and peace after seeking them for ages.

Lead single "You Have Killed Me" is a satisfying song, as is potential followup "The Youngest Was The Most Loved". But the central piece of the album is really the seven minute epic "Life Is A Pigsty". Hmmm. From the sound of the title, Morrissey obviously have not ditched his modus operandi of being insufferably miserable...but then again, he does warn that "it's the same SOS with brand new broken fortunes. I am the same underneath". And gloriously so, I might add. Sung against a background of rain and thunder, Morrissey is in fine form. And the final line about him falling in love again in his final hours, that's unusual optimism expressed by the man.

Unlike what some critics have said about the album, I disagree with their assessment that the strongest material lies in the second half. Not when it contains fillers like "I'll Never Be Anybody's Hero Now" and "On The Streets I Ran". Nor can I agree that this is the Mozzer's heaviest album besides "Southpaw Grammar". Critics seem to have conveniently forgotten the muscular hillbilly rock of "Your Arsenal". But is it the Mozzer's best though? Well, close to it...

Produced by legendary glam-rock producer Tony Visconti, "ROTT" represents another move in the right direction for a man who had seemed mired in mediocrity and self-pity. While Visconti must be credited for the sound of the LP, it is Morrissey himself who has made the biggest change and who must take credit for how good this is. Finding love has probably been the best thing to happen to Morrissey and the album closer "At Last I am Born" is an indicator of Morrissey's new found confidence and dare I say, life.

"It's remarkable what you can learn when you are born"

It's remarkable indeed.

7/10

My "Sacred" Vote

2006-05-06T18:46:00.000+08:00

Today is Polling Day for GE 2006. My first ever where I actually got to vote. Am I excited? In a way, yes. But more on that later.

I have refrained, quite successfully, from talking about politics for the past week of electioneering. I've even avoided reading news about the GE as far as possible so that I do not get riled up by certain campaigning antics that the stormtrooper party (only stormtroopers wear all white) engages in. I know that reading more will only raise the vitriol in me. I concede. Nobody ever said that politics are clean but if I were to believe that there's honour among thieves, some of these people running are worse than thieves.

Anyway, as regards to eloquent discussions on the GE and its issues, visit these two blogs by my friends, Jean Grey and Darkmuse.

As my post title suggests, I gave my "sacred" vote (A direct play off the 投票是神圣的 tagline. I think whoever came up with this is a cock. Voting is 重要 but not 神圣) this afternoon, accompanying my mum to our designated polling station, CHIJ Lady of The Nativity. My ward happens to be the hotly contested Aljunied Ward (Don't ask me why it's not Hougang. I can tell you safely the way that the electoral boundaries are carved up, only two adjectives can adequately describe them: Confusing and fcuked-up) and I am sure (At least I hope), there will be one hellva show on tonight.

Anyway, we went there at about 2+ in the afternoon and there were constant streams of people going in to vote (although it was not crowded). I was pretty surprised at that, I'd have thought people would have gone early to vote to get it over and done with. But nope. Anyway, a few observations at the poling station.

I am not too sure about how crowded the polling stations were at anytime but the polling officers were so free, they were basically rather eager to help anyone in their sights. I did really need any help in finding my way but more than a couple of times, some of the polling officers stopped me and offered to help. I figure I must either really look like an autistic child or Osama Bin Laden and they thought I was gonna bomb the building. Dudes, I am a Chinese, you know...

The designated lobo polling officer of the day is the one manning the enquiries desk or helpdesk, whatever they call it. When I was there, the guy was just fiddling on his laptop. I rather suspect he was playing solitaire. And I also think he must be a whitehorse to get the lobo post.

The polling officers really DO NOT look at your votes. The voting stand I went to had an SAF 11B on it. Evidently some poor soldier is crying his heart out tonight bemoaning his lost idenitity card and having to explain to his officers how he lost it.

An even more interesting point to note. I met George Yeo there. And guess what, I gave him the cold-shoulder. He looked my way and I looked away like I didn't know or care who he was. How many of you give the Foreign Minister the cold shoulder? How many, how many? Hah. Only an SOB would do that, I hear you say...well, I am SOB so fcuk off!

George Yeo: Had the great honour of being snubbed by THE SOB

Unfortunately, I seem to run into Mr Yeo an awful lot these past few days...unintentionally. I have run into him a total of three times this week. I am not too sure but I think he might be stalking me. Bugger off, George, I don't like you!

Finally, just in case you are wondering, I voted for WP. A lot of friends warned me that this is career suicide since I am a civil servant. Hey, this is a job, not a career so 'fraid not. Besides if you guys find me murdered and butchered up into sixty nine (Even in death, I gotta have 69) pieces because of who I voted for, at least you know the authorities are truly evil. And hopefully, in the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, I have made a Foreign Minister jobless.

Sibling Love

2006-05-02T10:17:00.000+08:00

Over the weekend, my mum and I had a short conversation that stayed glued to my mind even as I was lying down to sleep yesterday night. She was actually asking me about Gerrie. To give you a background on why she asked, I had to tell mum about Gerrie to get her off my back about Lilian, my aunt's niece whom my mum seem to think is bethrothed to me...so out came Gerrie to assure her that "Hey, I am looking and working on it, so don't worry about me."

Somehow the conversation then strayed to my brother and his financial indiscretions. Ok, basically he accumulated thousands of dollars of debt on his credit cards and needed my mum to bail him out...and now, my sis-in-law is the one who's returning my mum's credit back to her. The lucky man...

I do not want to talk much about this since my brother's imprudence is nothing more than history repeating itself...again, again and again. What's of interest is a topic which I've always hated my mum for bringing up: A future when both my father and her have passed on...

Basically she tells me that the house will be mine as would her savings. All I'm required to do is pass to my brother 30 grand. Whatever I want to do with the house is my prerogative. Sell it, live in it, rent it out, whatsoever.

I simply shrank away from the conversation because it was something I didn't really to hear or know. It's awful when you are listening to someone close to you talking about him/her not being around. But it stuck in my mind.

Yesterday night, even as I was preparing to sleep, the conversation came drifting back into my mind. I finally though to myself: What would happen when my parents do pass on? All that's left in this world for me would be my brother, friends and my future spouse (God doesn't count because I prefer to think of him as my destination in my next life, this life is just a passage. This is why I've never worried much about my own death.)

I am not going to talk about friends nor my future spouse (whoever that is) in this post. I will talk about my brother instead.

My brother and I, we do not talk much. It is something I recognise that's more of my own making because I despise his flaws with a fervour. Flaws that needed rescuing by the people who loves him most...again, again and again. I could never do what my mum and pop do by loving him wholeheartedly despite the repeated disappointments that he springs on them. And that, I guess is my undoing.

When my parents are gone, like it or not, he'd be all that's left of family. He'd be the one person in the world of direct kinship to me. Can I look beyond my spite for his personal flaws to love him as a brother? Fact is, I have done him injustice. He has loved me despite my indifference and intolerance towards him. Unselfish love is probably above all else when it comes to virtues and of this, I am the lesser of the two.

Sometimes, my behaviour makes me anguished. I tell myself that because he is like that, I have no choice but to be nasty...but everything is a choice. If someone puts a gun to your head and threatens to kill you unless you kill someone else, you can choose not to kill. Simple. But we are chicken. So we say we have no choice. The right thing to do/choice to make usually isn't the easiest.

Upcoming Blockbusters

2006-04-28T10:59:00.000+08:00

I think I've written enough about the upcoming GE in the past couple of posts so maybe it's time to return to something a lot more mundane. And what can possibly be more mundane than brainless summer Hollywood blockbuster flicks?

Yes, summertime is upon us again (It's always here anyway) so the great machinery known as Hollywood can again fill our movie screens with silly big-budget fluff that is good for nothing but entertainment. Truth be told, it can be great entertainment though...now let's just see what's in store for us ardent Singaporean moviegoers (We are, after all, the population who watched the most movies per person a year in the world, if I am not mistaken).

This month alone sees the release of three much hyped movies: "Mission Impossible 3", "The Da Vinci Code" and "X-Men 3:The Last Stand" (I am excluding "Poseidon" from the list because, come on, while I like Wolfgang Petersen, "Posiedon" just looks like one of those ship-sinking movies and it doesn't even have any real stars in it).

Of the three, I am only really looking forward to "X-Men 3", due to the fact that I am an Office X-Men™, I guess. They've seemingly expanded the cast of characters now so that, finally, familiar characters like Beast, Juggernaut (played by the rather scrawny Vinnie Jones) and Angel (that's me!) finally appear on the big screen for the first time. Actually, I am also rather sad that it's possibly(?) the last installment of the X-Men movies (if I am not wrong, X-Men was supposed to be a trilogy) but hey, money talks, so if it sells, there will still probably be an X-Men 4 in the works.

X-Men 3: Last time we see these familiar mutants on screen?

I have to confess I do NOT particularly like Tom Cruise (it's only recently though) and hence, do not particularly anticipate "MI3". Maybe it's to do with his Scientology affiliations and all the weird stuff that Tom Cruise got up to with Katie Holmes. Maybe I am just pissed with the way Tom Cruise shut South Park up with his influence. Whatever. However, the truth is, "MI3" does look pretty good and I really want to see Philip Seymour Hoffman in the role of the arch-villain. How does he morph from Truman Capote to a bigtime baddie? That's acting for you!

MI3: Looks good but I don't like the guy in the pic...

And finally, of course, "The Da Vinci Code". Will I watch it? I am not too sure. I have not read the book and don't think I ever would as I may be offended by it. But then again, it's more probable that I will simply dismiss it as pure fictional piffle masquerading as a potboiling thriller wrapped around historical fact. The controversy surrounding it has certainly piqued my interest in catching it. Whether I will actually do it is another matter altogether though.

The Da Vinci Code: Controversial but will it translate to great box office?

The subsequent months of June and July actually sees a rather weak lineup this year, which is why I felt this year's schedule of summer movies is one of the worst I have seen in recent years.

There is actually no movies I look forward to watching in June. Pixar is coming up with "Cars" and they can always be relied on to spin a good yarn. But nothing about the movie screams out to me. Adam Sandler also has a new movie called "Click" but I've never watched an Adam Sandler flick on the big screen and I don't think "Click" is likely to break that trend.

The one movie that may prove interesting to me is "Superman Returns" because it might be interesting to see if Brandon Routh can step into Christopher Reeves' shoes. But the truth is, I've always found Superman to be the least engaging of all superheroes (He's basically an indestructible alien in tights, isn't he?) and so, do I really want to spend money watching the movie instead of just waiting for the DVD? Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is an interesting choice though.

Superman Returns: Nice package, Brandon but not my cup of tea, I prefer breasts. Thanks anyway!

July, too, sees a lineup that's more suited to be lamented than lauded. If you had liked the original "Pirates of the Caribbean", you might also enjoy its sequel, "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest". For me, I'd let it stay dead for me even though I rather liked the original.

M Night Shyamalan is also coming up with his usual spookfest, this time something called "Lady in the Water". But after the debacle that's "The Village", I advise moviegoers to skip this one. M Night is really running out of twists, I think. Good cast though, in Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard.

There is an interesting movie out in July called "A Scanner Darkly" by Richard Linklater and starring Keanu Reeves, Winona Ryder and Robert Downey Jnr. It's an adaptation of science fiction great Philip K Dick's novel (refer Minority Report, Total Recall, Paycheck, etc) and that's bound to be interesting by itself. What's even more interesting, however, is the filming technique of this movie. Linklater shot a live-action version of the film and then had it animated. I've never heard of anything like this before...it'd be interesting to see how the end-product turns out.

And finally, to complete the July lineup, I think "Miami Vice" might be a good movie to catch. Not that I am a fan of the original TV series, nor am I a fan of the movie version's stars Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. No, those are not the reasons I want to watch the movie. I'd like to catch it simply because I am a big fan of the film's director, the quite brilliant Michael Mann. If you don't know who he is, he's the director behind "Collateral", "The Last of the Mohicans", "The Insider" and "Heat". The guy is quite splendid shooting crime stories like this and I think he'd do "Miami Vice" pretty well...it helps, of course, that he did direct some of the original "Miami Vice" TV episodes.

And hey, it might also be fun to watch Gong Li sprout broken English in the movie.

Miami Vice: The real star attractions are NOT in the pic, namely Michael Mann and Gong Li.

Espousing Political Lines

2006-04-27T10:27:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, in the Nationbuilder Times, I read an article that kinda raised the hairs on the back of my neck. The journalist, like a little girl meeting ________ (fill in name of your favourite movie star) for the first time, was writing about our esteemed PM. Here's what that person wrote:

Born son of Mr Lee Kuan Yew, formidable lawyer and cross-examiner, founding father of Singapore. Husband to Madam Ho Ching, formidable former civil servant, now leading force behind Temasek's overseas investment drives. Educated, with numerous academic distinctions, at prestigious Cambridge and Harvard. Speaks five languages. While at school in his younger days, was editor of the school magazine, part of the school debate team, and a drum major and clarinet player.

Now Prime Minister to four million people of all races, languages and religions, ages and aspirations.

Mr Lee Hsien Loong, a Member of Parliament for 22 years and Prime Minister for 20 months, has one of those CVs which people love to hate, especially people not well-disposed towards the au thoritarian political beliefs of his father.

It is not surprising then, that unlike the 1991 election when the then new prime minister Goh Chok Tong made himself and his style of government a key election platform, this new prime minister is steering clear of the personal, and keeping to broader issues of policy and party deliverables.

His emphasis is on actions, not words. He shows you he wants to build further on a proven track record, and not be a short-term wonder making empty promises.

As he told this newspaper, he is entering the election 'not just as a face and a promise', but with a set of concrete policies already set in motion. Some examples he cited are the ComCare fund for needy Singaporeans, and the Workfare scheme for the low-income.

In any case, the general election will not turn on his popularity or otherwise. His own megawatt smile notwithstanding - Newsweek once hailed him as 'Singapore's sunny face' - one probably needs to be as popular as Taufik Batisah or even Tom Cruise before popularity has any impact on voting patterns.

Having said all that however, whether he likes it or not, the Prime Minister - who he is, what he stands for - will still have an indirect and very subtle impact on how people vote, and that's probably why he's been giving so many interviews to the press in recent days.

Most of the descriptions of Mr Lee when he first entered politics still hold, for instance that he is 'smart, efficient and blunt'. But new ones have been added over the years as Singaporeans got to see other aspects of him. Today, the image that is in voters' minds is that of someone a lot more in touch with the ordinary citizen, someone strong but reasonable, hard-headed yet humane.

At last year's National Day Rally, Singaporeans caught a glimpse of the inner man when emotions almost overwhelmed him at two points in the rally speech. One was when he recalled how, despite pouring rain during the National Day Parade of 1968, it was decided that the show must go on. The other was when he brought the address to a rousing close, declaring, 'We've created a Singapore spirit. We're courageous but compassionate, we're confident, never complacent. It's a spirit which will hold us together as one united people, each one contributing to remaking our nation'.

All Singapore prime ministers must be patriots and nationalists, but this one is probably more so - he, after all, started attending political rallies with his father in 1963, when he was just 11.

For myself, what stands out is that he is one of those rare characters with 'sympathy', not in the ordinary sense of specific sympathy for specific individuals, but a more universal power, defined in the American Heritage Dictionary as the act or power of sharing the feelings of another.

Whether innate or developed through years of caring for a son with Asperger's Syndrome, or some other reason, that special faculty is there and perhaps explains why his grassroots helpers in Teck Ghee constituency root so strongly for him.

This is not to say that the PM is a softie or a political liberal. Those who saw in his famous Harvard Club speech, in January 2004 before he became prime minister, signs of a major political liberalisation read too much into the tea leaves. Where he does liberalise it will be for pragmatic and not for ideological reasons per se. It will be because liberalisation is necessary for Singapore's progress - because the 5 or 6 per cent of Singaporeans for whom political liberalisation matters also counts among them some of the country's future political leaders and opinion shapers.

And as the legal action taken against the Singapore Democratic Party last Friday showed, this is a man who can play hardball too, like his father.

He plays hardball however with a long straight drive, with an internal coherence or consistency almost impossible to fault. There are some pundits out there who delight in spotting and highlighting inconsistencies in what politicians say. It would probably be very difficult to find anything inconsistent in what Mr Lee has said over the years. I tried, but failed.

For instance, when he commented on the economy in an interview with this newspaper two days ago, he did so without glossing over the problems ahead. No attempt to electioneer, no gloating reminders of how well the Government has done. Just this: 'The economy may have grown 6 point something per cent last year, but I think we will have the growth with a lot of effort and with a lot more social adjustments which are going to be necessary.'

But while Mr Lee might be a straight arrow, on social issues his directness has been moderated by experience and the necessities of politics. As an older Singaporean noted, 'he responds with moderation' today to most things: 'I would not have expected that of him when he first entered politics.'

His remarks on the young probably regained some ground lost in the wake of Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew's dialogue with 10 young Singaporeans. Where the older Lee reproved the 'radical, English-educated young' for forgetting the hardships Singapore faced in its path to modernity, the younger Lee rather more phlegmatically said that 'it's nobody's fault'.

'We, the older generation, worked very hard to make sure there was a peaceful environment in which they can bring up children. But as a result we tend to forget how unique and how precious this is. It's normal.'

Sweet words for most Singaporeans: 'It's normal.' It is this understanding of - and sympathy with - normal Singaporeans which will stand the new PM in good stead in the coming election.

Not too long ago, the "espousing of political lines" was banned on blogs and podcasts...but I guess it's alright to do so on newspapers because they're not blogs or podcasts, just some sheets of paper used to wrap vegetables in the wet market.

PM Lee may be good...but to paint him as almost flawless must be overdoing it...way way overboard.

PM Lee: Praised to high heavens.

Irony

2006-04-25T10:37:00.000+08:00

I really shouldn't blog about this but how could I resist? The GE is throwing up truckloads of gems for me to chew on...such as these...

"I look forward to a mature debate, a clean campaign. Not a dirty campaign, defaming people, saying nonsense or innuendoes. Let's grow up, let's be mature people. Singapore is now 40 years old, no longer in the 1960s or the 1950s. So let's debate issues."
- Khaw Boon Wan, 24th April.

"If the opposition acts like a First World opposition playing by the rules, the Government will return the courtesy. If they behave like hooligans, they must expect to be treated like hooligans."

- MM Lee, 23rd April.

Erm...say again?! No dirty campaigns, no defaming people?! Debate issues?! Such as hooliganism, I suppose?! And by the way, ruling political party ≠government (there are still 2 "opposition" members in the Parliament, if you remember).

"You remove the logo and the name of the party, and it is like the PAP."

- DPM Wong Kan Seng on opposition pamplets promising upgrading, help for poor students, bursaries and the like.

If you go by such immaculate logic, remove the logo and name of party on PAP pamplets and conversely, the pamplets will look like the opposition, wouldn't they? Nobody has a monopoly on ideas.

"This is not a cat and mouse game - it is a serious decision about Singapore's future. Yet they take voters casually. I don't see how this reticence helps them, especially in persuading voters that they are a serious alternative to the PAP."

- PM Lee on the opposition's secrecy over their plans, and refusal to confirm their full slate of candidates.

How long did it take PAP to unveil their manifesto after the opposition had unveiled theirs? Are they taking voters casually too?

"Do Singaporeans need an opposition, do they want an opposition? And if they do not want, then what am I doing here?"

- Low Thia Khiang

How about serving the Hougang community? This single-minded approach harping on having an opposition in the Parliament for the sake of it is a little wrong-headed.

"That is what Sitoh Yih Pin will do for every floor in Potong Pasir."

- SM Goh on PAP's potential Hougang candidate and his election manifesto.

Even if he's not elected?

Britpop Wave 2

2006-04-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

I used to listen to a lot of Britpop during its heyday. In fact, it was the only "type" of rock music I listened to. Cool Britannia (Ok, it was really a Tony Blair "New Labour" government thing but Brit music really did latch onto it big-time). How could anybody not be seduced by such a term? I certainly was and my musical diet consisted much of listening to Brit bands such as Oasis, Blur, Pulp, Suede, Supergrass and Radiohead (amongst numerous others) and lapping up reviews by Brit media such as the NME, Q and Select.

By now, everybody knows how far Britpop has fallen. Oasis looks and sounds like an overblown dinosaur, Blur's Damon Albarn is a cartoon by the name of Gorillaz, Pulp is still capable of greatness but releases albums too infrequently and Radiohead has simply become a sub-Aphex Twin. Others like Suede, Supergrass, Sleeper, blah blah...most of them are long gone by now. So what went wrong? Pretty much everything.

First off, the biggest culprit must be the Brit press. Almost every Britpop band that came their way was hyped to high heavens without consideration of their actual quality. Geneva, Gaydad, who? Yeah, you probably never even heard of them. When Oasis' overblown and monstrous "Be Here Now" was first released, NME gave it an 8 or 9 and called it an epic or something like that. Later, on hindsight, they thrashed it just like everybody else did but I won't let their initial praise of the monster simply slip away like that. Britpop was made on a crest of enormous hype and simply did not have the legs to carry itself over a longer term.

Secondly and let's face it, a number of the bands were actually rather good but eventually lost their way and cranked out shite records. Blur was brilliant with "Parklife" but then got overfanciful with "The Great Escape". After that, they simply became a slave to the punk sound after getting a massive hit with "Song 2". Oasis' defining moment came and went with "Morning Glory". They broke the US (which no Britpop band had managed at that time) and could have been kings of the world. And then they played Knebworth and actually thought they were kings of the world and well, "Be Here Now" was born. And Pulp, much to my disappointment, never went anywhere close to the brilliance of "Different Class" again when fame got to Jarvis Cocker's head and he simply lost touch with the "common people" and started singing about the baggages of fame instead.

Why did I give such a long background about Britpop? Because I sense a second wave is already upon us and it's only recently that I've latched onto it. The Brit press has been smart not to give it silly terms like NWONW (New Wave Of New Wave) and Britpop this time, naming it post-punk revivalism and/or post-punk new wave instead. But the amount of overhype is coming back into overdrive again.

This new "Britpop" wave 2 could justifiably be said to be led by Franz Ferdinand (the most successful of the bunch of Britbands right now) and include the likes of Bloc Party, Kaiser Chiefs, Hard-Fi, Futureheads and now, infamously, the Arctic Monkeys.

Now, I do NOT have anything against these post-punk bands because there are a number which are seriously good. FF is definitely one of them (and deserves every success they are enjoying) and so is Bloc Party. Even Kaiser Chiefs is good in spurts but a recent NME review of the Arctic Monkeys release, kinda, put the doubt in me again.

NME, of course, gave the Arctic Monkeys something like a ridiculous10/10 for their debut. Now, I don't believe in shite like this. No album can possibly be worth a 10/10 (that basically means it's perfect, doesn't it?). The closest I would say that came to such a score in the last 10 years or so was Radiohead's "OK Computer" and read the reviews for that album, I don't believe too many critics have disagreed on the fact that album is regarded as one of the all-time classics. Arctic Monkeys 10/10? Give me a break. They might be the biggest new Brit band (in terms of sales) since Oasis and be pretty good at post-punk but their music is nowhere near the kaleidoscopic beauty of "OK" nor their lyrics that incisive enough.

Arctic Monkeys: Overrated by NME.

Because of the indiscriminate 8-9/10 scores that NME seems to be giving to every Brit band, I've had to resort to reading reviews by US critics instead (besides Rolling Stone who also give rather unreliable reviews) who seem to have a sharper ear and a keener sense of judgment than their British counterparts (Pitchfork sensibly afforded the Monkeys a more believable 7.4 and also fittingly mocked NME on their 10/10 rating)

What's the point of this post really? I am also not too sure...besides the fact that I was warning rock music fans against the irresponsible hype that Brit critics seem to be heaping on their own bands (again). But then again, maybe the best way to judge is simply to buy the record yourself and listen to it. Decide whether you like it or not first-hand... but I think we, consumers, can't possibly have that much money to burn, buying up every band's LP that gets an 8/10 (or 10/10?) review by a magazine that doesn't seem to know what (and how influential) its ratings mean anymore.

Done And Dusted

2006-04-18T11:02:00.000+08:00

*Warning: The following post is about football and therefore contains language which no good living human-being should ever read, hear or sprout.

As I was out for a while last night and didn't reach home till about 8+, I didn't manage to catch the opening of the Spurs-Man U match last night. I also didn't (fortunately) to catch Wayne "I visit 50-year-old prostitutes and have a gambling habit" Rooney score the opening goal of this match. What I did witness though is the South Korean @#$%^&* Lee Young-fcuking Pyo messing up a perfectly simple "whack the ball upfield and clear the danger" opportunity (so simple even my mum could do it blindfolded and with both her legs tied together) so as to be dispossessed by another South Korean @#$%^&* Park Ji-fcuking Sung in order to let Wayne "Looks older than my dad" Rooney in on an open goal.

Lee Young-Pyo: Flanked by Luis "Agua" Garcia and actually in control of the ball...what a surprise!

Of course, Spurs were to stage their late pseudo-rally by getting one back but any living being with half-a-brain cell would know that this lily-livered team would never equalise and hence, the match ended 2-1. And as a result, Spurs fourth Champions' League spot hangs in the balance and this is what Spurs manager Martin Jol said when the whistle was blown...

"Nah beh..." (Don't believe me? Look at the shape of Jol's lips)

Meanwhile, Jol's opposite number, the 7,247 year-old Sir Alex "We still have a great chance of winning the title as long as the entire Chelsea team contracts Avian Flu and dies" Ferguson celebrated like his great grandson just witnessed the birth of his great grandson (who will be SAF's [Doesn't that explain why so many Singaporean MEN hate Man U?] great great great grandson). I have two words for the old fogey: Nine points.

Someone should remind him it's only SECOND place...

Later in the day, at стамфордский мост (Russian for Stamford Bridge), Челси (Russian for Chelsea) sleepwalked to a sleepy 3-0 stroll against mighty Everton and the league title is all but done and dusted. The fact was that the match was a total non-issue in the eyes of Челси manager Jose "I look GOOD" Mourinho anyway. The guy was so free, he was spotted practising his Falun Dafa moves at the match.

Jose Mourinho: Falungong practitioner.

And so, Челси practically seals their second successive title while Man U continues to think they have the means of regaining their former glories...even as Liverpool and Arsenal continue to have absolutely no chance in hell of ever winning anything...

Stevie G swings a punch at SOB after his comments...what a violent man...

While Spurs fans continue to take their medication and visit their psychiatrists regularly.

Just another Spurs fan being helped by his three good Wigan fan friends after yet another defeat...

What a great season...NOT!

Relak Relak

2006-04-17T16:02:00.000+08:00

I will just be writing an itsy bitsy bit on me blog to relak relak a bit before going back to just staring at my computer screen and just basically doing nothing, which can be quite stressful actually. Anyway, today, Magma just pulled off another of her MC stunts and well, left a couple of the Office X-Men™ picking up the pieces.

One was Jean Grey who has the unfortunate task of covering magma's duties. Another was me since I am doinga project with Magma. Anyway, she was the one who was did the last amendments and hence, the softcopy resided in her PC. And stupid old Archangel (me) had thought that, with her absence, I can lobo for one day and enjoy extended weekend in the Office™. But well, I consulted with Wolverine and the man with the claws insisted that the thing must be out by today. Duh?

Nevermind loh, since Wolfy said so, I just do it. But I don't quite understand why it should be by today.

"When I say it's due today, it's due today! @#$%^&*"

Today, I talked quite a bit with Shadowcat about Gerrie. Told her about all that happened during Good Friday when Gerrie brought me to her church and then after that, followed her to her cell's birthday celebration. A foreword on that: She had already SMSed me the night before telling me I "can join in" her cell's birthday celebration while I was having buffet dinner with two of my uni pals at Quality Hotel (Balestier). Oh, by the way, for $10, the spread for this buffet is pretty decent. Have a go at it. But please book in advance or wait one hour like we did.

Well, going to back the cell birthday thingy, I think it's one of those rare (or first?) times when she brought someone to church. I don't know about girls but for guys, it must either be a first or something close to that because some of those cell members started asking me how I met her (Answer (A): "Outside") and how long we've known each other (A:"I can't remember"...Reply: "Oh, it was that long huh"...A: "No, I just can't remember").

It seems just about everyone is intrigued by the two of us and what we were...actually I think some of them either think that she is my girlfriend or that we are really close (Neither of which is true). It got to the point when I am so tired of the same question that I just sat back, looked at her and said,"Ask her lah." I thought at that moment I really sounded like her boyfriend and it was almost wicked fun to just see her reply, deadpan, "We're friends."

Now this girl is about as deadpan and measured as humanly possible. In fact, I have never met anyone as measured as her and as even-tempered. It seems as if nothing can fluster her...just as nothing can excite her. Maybe this has to do with the fact that she is a Virgo (born 15th Sept).

Virgo: Beautiful, virginal, white, unfathomable and ghostly?

I actually only found out about her birthdate on the Good Friday and that she was a Virgo today...so excited me went to look for a description of Virgos. This is what I got...

Virgo's are highly intelligent, interested in everything and everyone and happy to be busy with many jobs and hobbies. Many have some kind of specialised knowledge and most are good with their hands. Their nit-picking ways can infuriate their colleagues. They find it hard to discuss their innermost feelings and this can make them hard to understand. In many ways, they are happier doing something practical than dealing with relationships. These people can overdo the self-sacrificial bit and make themselves martyrs to other people's impractical lifestyles. They are willing to fit in with whatever is going on and they can adjust to most things, but they mustn't neglect their own needs. Although excellent communicators and wonderfully witty conversationalists, Virgo's prefer to express their deepest feelings by actions rather than words. Most avoid touching all but very close friends and family members and they find lovey-dovey behaviour embarrassing. These people can be very highly sexed and they may use this as a way of expressing love. Virgo's are criticised a good deal as children and are often made to feel unwelcome in their childhood homes. They in turn become very critical of others and they can use this in order to wound.

Many Virgo's overcome inhibitions by taking up acting, music, cookery or sports. Acting is particularly common to this sign because it allows them to put aside their fears and take on the mantle of someone quite different. They are shy and slow to make friends but when they do accept someone, they are the loyalist, gentlest and kindest of companions. They are great company and have a wonderful sense of humour.

I have basically highlighted the parts in red of what I found to be true of Gerrie and the parts in red, bold and italics are which gets me excited...one much more so than the other. Guess which?

Anyway, I had told Shadowcat and Jubilee that I did not understand my attraction towards this chabo because she's almost everything I would not want in a girl...yet everytime I see her only, I just know I want...kaoz. The only explanation I have for this is that she is a pheromone monster and that I LIKE her type of pheromone.

Kaypoh me then went to look for the star sign compatibility between Virgo Girl and Pisces Boy and guess what, we are complete opposites and should, never in hell, get together. This was what was written...part of it anyway...

There is a saying that opposites attract and Virgo and Pisces are a perfect example of this phrase. When these two meet, there is instant curiosity and sexual attraction. Pisces will see Virgo as a dream lover and will make every effort to hold onto the sexy and smart Virgo. Virgo will see social and sexual adventures in Pisces and will always leave Pisces longing for more. Sex will be a strong element that keeps the relationship exciting. Love will blossom over time to the point of a possible marriage. As close as these two get, they never really get together. Pisces could get cold feet at the wrong time and Virgo could get paranoid. Virgo may say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Pisces will view this as manipulation and swim away to safer waters. For this to work, both signs need to truly understand the definition of commitment. This is crucial for both signs.

KNN! No wonder, I am so obssessed with this chabo! And what the fcuk, never get together?! Then I try so hard for what?!

Under such circumstances, what can I possibly say but this...

ASTROLOGY IS ABSOLUTE RUBBISH...BLOODY HELL, WASTE SO MUCH OF MY TIME READING SUCH CRAP!

Star signs: In a word "Rubbish"

Put On The Spot

2006-04-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

This is this programme that I like a lot on Starhub Channel 56 right now. It's called 国光帮帮忙. Hosted by three male hosts (namely 孙鹏, 屈中恒 and 庹宗康), it's a talkshow where celebrity guests are quizzed on a variety of topics, hosted in a light, breezy manner.

While I do not follow this show religiously, the times when I've watched it, I was thoroughly entertained. Unlike some Taiwanese programmes, the banter here is relatively civil and clean, but still quite funny.

Anyway, last night, for the second half of the show (I think they usually show two episodes at a go, so maybe that's why there are two different guests for each half of the televised programme shown on TV), the guest was a renowned Taiwanese writer by the name of 吴淡如. I am not going to talk about everything that they talked about (topics included scuba diving, one-night-stands, and the three 好s in a man that all women should keep away from...气质不好，情绪不好，喂口太好!).

Instead, I'd zoom in on a classic question that many girls like to put their guys on the spot with, the various answers guys come up with and what these answers mean to girls (according to that writer lah).

The question?

If both your mum and I (the girl) fall into a river (or whatever body of water she fancies) and you can only save one, who would you save?

Answers:

1) My mum (there is but only one mum after all...)

The girl might think that you obviously don't care about offending her and is neglecting her feelings (even though it's the truth).

2) You

The girl might think that you have a very sweet tongue and probably always give such an answer to every girl you meet as usually, very few guys would say such a thing. So you obviously must be a liar...or orphan? (So this answer can use if you are an orphan lah...)

3) I'd jump in and kill myself

The girl would think you are an escapist and is to be avoided at all costs!

So guys, as you can see, if we give the above three standard answers, we lose no matter what we say. There is a fourth and fifth I would advise are better answers.

4) I'd save my mum (fulfill filial piety) then jump in and drown myself because I cannot live without you

Hey, it's absolute BS but the girl would be like "awww shucks...you shouldn't"...

5) My lovely darling, what's on that beautiful mind of yours? Please do tell me...

Sidesteps telling the truth and answering the question and of course, addressing the root of her questioning straight away. Girls don't just bring up such a question for fun, usually it's because they need some affirmation of love (?) so go straight to that loh. Why bother killing yourself with bad answers anyway?

The last answer can really be used anytime. So next time, your girl gets all hissy or melancholic and asks you these weird questions, just sidestep the question and get straight to the root...

Are Opposition Supporters NOT Singaporeans?

2006-04-10T12:08:00.000+08:00

This is an excerpt from CNA. I said I wouldn't talk about politics but this pissed me off big time...

Even if the People’s Action Party (PAP) loses Hougang to the Opposition in the looming General Election (GE), the Government might consider the wishes of residents of Realty Park - a landed estate of 172 households in the fiercely contested ward - if more than “60 per cent” of them vote for the PAP.

Couldn't this be considered as "vote-buying"? Only instead of cash, you give lifts, walkways or whatever the fcuk? Why the specific targeting? What about the rest of the people in Hougang? They don't have rights ah? Why do we need a government that gives selectively to WHOM they want and not to all who needs?

Speaking to reporters after he mingled with 100 of the estate’s residents at a community dinner, Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong, who has been charged with helping PAP candidate Eric Low win back the ward, said residents told him it was not fair if they supported the PAP but lost out on goodies, if the ruling party lost the ward.

Fcuk, talk some sense lah. It is NOT fair to anyone to miss out on goodies just because of who won or who lost. Do we hold a Singaporean passport or a PAP passport? Which is more powerful? A Singapore IC or PAP membership card (if got such a thing)?

MP Low Thia Khiang of the Workers’ Party held on to Hougang with 55 per cent of the vote after the polls in 2001.

Said Mr Goh: “They raised an interesting point. Supposing this place supports Eric Low. Not just 50 per cent (but) 60 per cent and above and the constituency is not won back by the PAP. Why should they be punished?”

The real question is: Why should anybody be punished at all? We live in a "democracy" where it is alright to be punished if we did not vote for the "right" people. Great country huh...

“I think it’s a fair question if they get strong support. Sixty per cent and above, I think they deserve to be considered for some funds under the CIPC (Community Improvement Projects Committee).”

He added: “So we told them, if we have strong support over here, we will look into meeting some of their needs.”

Realty Park residents...don't you think you think you've been made to sound like beggars? Or maybe you really are...

MENSA

2006-04-06T09:07:00.000+08:00

Over the last couple of months, The Office™ has welcomed a number of newcomers (three, to be precise) into the fold. Newcomers, who for one reason or another, cannot really fit into The Office X-Men™ clique. But actually, in reality, that's not the really bad thing...the really bad thing is that these newcomers can't even seem to fit into the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants clique and this clique takes in anything that has a heartbeat and half a braincell.

I had mentioned all three briefly in my past posts (I am not gonna link you back because I can't remember when I wrote about them...but it can't be long ago). Of the three, Queen remains the most likeable (no no no, make that lovable) of the three. This girl is a genuine ingenue and most people, after a while, just want to sayang her. If she wasn't married/engaged or whatever, I'd tackle her like Roy Keane (basically break her into half lah).

Another newcomer is Yann (if that's how I spelt it), the one with the khiam pa face. It seems that Psylocke hates her guts so much, she can't even remember her name and nearly refers to her as "that fcuked up girl" in front of The Office X-Men™. personally, I don't have anything against her...but it does seem that this girl is pretty streetsmart and a little cunning to boot.

And finally, the MAN that I want to talk about is the Man from M*E*N*S*A or 阿满 as I called him previously. Since everybody in The Office™ becomes an Office X-Men™, he shall henceforth be known as Beast, because he is the Man from M*E*N*S*A (Beast is the smartest of the X-Men after all) and well...he just looks like Beast...actually Beast looks better than The Office Beast™.

If the Office Beast™ had a major makeover, he might look something like this...

After a month or so here, nobody has really talked much to Beast, besides the extremely kind-hearted Jean Grey and Wolverine. But Wolverine doesn't count because he talks to any living thing...or non-living. Is there a good reason for the ostracism by the majority of The Office X-Men™? Maybe, maybe not. I offer you these pieces of information though.

Seems that when JG talked to him sometime back and asked him what he is good at (or something like that), he offered the answer that he can lie straight out deadpan without giving himself away. Gosh...is that something to be so proud so?
He draws linkages and alludes to things that totally makes no sense to some of us. Maybe we are just too dumb to understand but sometimes, when talking to him, it just feels like a Mission Impossible moment. Anytime he finishes speaking, I half-expected him to tear off his latex mask to reveal...Magma.
He wears this rather strange M*E*N*S*A jacket that has this great procliamation: The High IQ Club. Geeez...

He is SIAO ONZ lah...like I mentioned he typed an entire report out when all was required was an email reply. In the end, Rogue too embarrassed to tell him it's unnecessary and instead dumped his work into my report...nice. Anyway, just last week, he again had some flash of inspiration and wrote a short report after reading a couple of news articles. I am impressed by his diligence and his amazing ability to drudge out information BUT BUT BUT...
His analytical skills seems, at best, average to me. He offers insights that is pretty run-of-the-mill and he doesn't look anything special at all in that respect. I expected something more out of him, to be frank. Jubilee said that, in his defence, he is still inexperienced and so we cannot expect groundbreaking insights from him. I agreed initially with her...and thought about it. For someone who so proudly wears the M*E*N*S*A emblem on his chest, surely I am entitled to expect something just a little special? I mean, if you did not somewhat proclaim yourself as the Special One, why would I expect something special from you?
Finally, I don't know if he has cut it out or not but apparently he has the habit of sniggering, smirking or giving dirty looks whenever someone proclaims ignorance over something that he has knowledge of.

So well, I don't know. Draw your own conclusions. For me, I just don't talk to him. I don't see the need to (yet) unless it's professional business. And that's that.

Enigma

2006-04-04T16:51:00.000+08:00

Since I've decided unofficially to 休工 for the day, I will write a second post. This is the first time I've done it since, erm, July 2004 if I'm not wrong. It's not that I don't want to work...actually yeah, it IS also because I don't want to work and because Rogue still haven't gotten back to me yet regarding a piece of (shitty) work I handed to her yesterday. I'm just waiting for a response, don't blame me...

From the sign of things, I think Rogue is due for an MC sometime soon...possibly this week? She was coughing pretty badly when I went into her room. The Office™ is full of viruses, it seems. Gambit (AKA Aquaman) came to me in the morning telling me he was suffering from the flu...and my recommendation? Go home lah, what else?!

Now, onto the enigma I will be writing about. She is a colleague who was referred to as Magma in my past entries. I, right now, have the misfortune of being paired with her to do a series of projects.

Now, this woman, she's one of a kind. I have absolutely no idea what goes through her mind or if she even has one...let me relate what are some of her antics that the Office X-Men™ has had to put up with.

Magma seems to have an absolute problem, waking up in the morning. I have no idea what she does at night but every so often, this mad woman would SMS and call some of the Office X-Men™ to cover her work (we have to do some kind of summary every day early in the morning). It has gotten to such a stage where we are absolutely terrified of receiving SMSes from her in the morning...

She has an even more unique way of understanding people and what they say...she pre-empts/interprets you in her own unique logic and then, guess what...usually understands everything wrong. A typical conversation goes like this:

Archangel: Hey, good morning, Magma. Remember the work we were supposed to do. Have you added part X to the report yet?

Magma: Oh, no no, not yet. I'd look into it later.

Archangel: Sure, when you are done, can you email it to me for a look? Thanks.

Magma: Sure!!!

...

Later in the afternoon,

Archangel: Hey, Magma, have you added part X yet?

Magma: Huh, I thought YOU are doing it for me?

Archangel: ... ... ...

She has a very weird sense of humour/logic that nobody can understand but she'd just happily laugh aloud at...I could never get her, I don't know about the other Office X-Men™ lah but me, I am just completely boggled by the things she says.

She has this very queer habit of trying to pacify me (ME ESPECIALLY) with candies. Basically when I get pissed with her work/attitude, I do not give face and just show her a 黑脸...and I wind up with chocolates with an accompanying note （twice!) that says, "Hey, so sorry to make you do this. Here's some chocolates to cheer you up!" What kind of an infantile way of apologising is this? Come, come, offer you sweets so you don't stay angry?Seriously, CAN YOU JUST BLOODY HELL GET AWAY FROM ME?!

Magma: Come, come, play with me lah...I am but a little doll...

Talking Bollocks

2006-04-04T09:55:00.000+08:00

These were some things which were said by/written about some public figures in the past week. I can only only said one word:

CRAP

"I believe Ah Do has done a very good job in attracting Chinese friends over to Singapore. As an ambassador, I will be able to bring out the three-dimensional view of Singapore to help more Chinese people understand and enjoy the very vibrant and active lifestyle of Singaporeans."

JJ Lin commenting on his new appointment as the Tourism Ambassador to Greater China.

JJ, can you tell me what the fcuk is a three-dimensional view of Singapore? Are your words holographic or something? Either I too stupid to understand your words (which is probable) or you talk cock lah, you!

JJ Lin: The man with the 3D words

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Words from today's version of Today:

In a humane gesture aimed at making the final days of terminally-ill CPF members easier, they will be allowed to withdraw their savings before the age of 55. Others with serious illnesses that could severely reduce their life expectancy will also be given this option.

“If you fall ill or if you’re severely ill and have a terminal disease, we now say you have to set aside a certain sum for your remaining lifespan — but the rest of the money you can take out...The CPF Board will allow withdrawals by members who have been medically certified to have only a few more months to live, on a case-by-case basis”

Manpower Minister Dr Ng Eng Hen in Parliament yesterday during the second reading of the Central Provident Fund (Amendment) Bill.

I can't believe this, you use the word humane to describe allowing people to withdraw their own money when they are terminally ill? Why should someone even ask for permission if he/she is close to death and need the money for medical reasons? It is OUR OWN FCUKING MONEY, for heaven's sake.

And for people who only have a few months to live, you still go case-by-case basis?! By the time, you finish all the bureaucratic procedures, most of these patients would have passed on.

So don't act all benevolent like you are donating millions to terminally ill patients and performing some humanitarian deed.

Dr Ng Eng Hen: Thank ME for allowing YOU to use YOUR money

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'd like to clarify that the person who asked the questions that brought all of it to light was a PAP MP. (Meaning: Senior Counsel Davinder Singh.)"

PAP MP Indranee Rajah retorting to Opposition MP Chiam See Tong's answer to a student's question about why they (the students) should vote for the Opposition during a debate between Opposition and PAP politicains at NUS. (For the record, Chiam gave this reply, "It depends on whether or not you want to retain a one-party rule." He said the opposition can check the PAP so that 'there would be less cases of NKF where there would be abuse of public funds'.)

Ermm, excuse me, Miss Indranee but I thought that when Mr Singh brought the entire NKF fiasco to light, he was doing it in the capacity as a lawyer on behalf of SPH during a lawsuit against the company and NOT as a PAP MP? I certainly assume he was well-paid for his services. If he was so benevolent, he should NOT have received any fees since he would be doing it for free because he was a good citizen and a great MP. Well, I didn't see him bringing the whole issue to light on his own accord...did he?

Indranee Rajah: Is she a mannequin or does she actually have a brain?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Who are the bad guys in the NFK? Who are the good guys as far as NKF matters are concerned? Who let all the facts come out? Who organised the investigation? Who transformed the NKF, brought about the changes, and saved the NKF because it was at risk of collapse? I think people know. So please, let's have a good debate on the NKF, the good and bad, and then Singaporeans can make their choice. They are not stupid, they are well-read. They understood the whole development."

Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan on him welcoming a debate with the opposition on the country's largest charity scandal at the next election, and has faith in Singaporeans' ability to judge fairly how the Government handled the matter.

Oh yeah, we CERTAINLY know. As I recall, I think it is the MOH which repeatedly ignored the danger signs of the power abuse going on at NKF and renewing NKF's tax-exempt status? How long before Mr Khaw decided he simply couldn't stay silent anymore and spoke to TT Durai about resigning (it certainly wasn't immediate)? Who are the bad guys? Don't push everything to Mr Durai. A fallen man is easy to trample on, it's the people who take the moral high ground who are absolving themselves of much responsibility.

Khaw Boon Wan: Good guy?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I will not say anything about politics anymore until after the GE, especially after what Dr Balaji Sadasivan said about online election advertising and blogging. Who knows what he means by "espousing a political line"? Is criticism considered as espousing? Batman takes no risks, man!

Saga Of Wolverine

2006-03-29T10:21:00.000+08:00

This will be a pretty short post so I'd just get straight to the point. I have just returned from Bangkok yesterday after spending the weekend there. I am not going to talk about the Thailand trip too much besides these five points.

Thailand is really bloody hot like hell.
Thailand traffic is mostly alright until you go to the airport and then all hell breaks loose.
Thailand is not really the Land of Smiles. We talk about the Japanese and their artificial politeness but is Thailand necessarily any better?
Thailand girls are a curiosity. They are either gorgeous or cannot make it. No inbetweeners.
Where exactly are the protestors???!!!

After landing in Singapore at about 3+ yesterday, I got home at about 4+ before going out to play badminton with Gerrie. Mind you, it was on an empty stomach because the only food I ate for that day was what the airline served.

I also discovered some things about Gerrie, they are:

Gerrie looks good in office attire, especially white. The moment I saw her, I just wanted to 抱抱 her. But then again, I would 抱抱 her whatever she's wearing.
Gerrie is quite a drinker. She said that she drinks a lot (mostly wine and sake). I guess she wouldn't mind a alcoholic boyfriend then (?)
Gerrie can't really play badminton. It was quite fun to tease her about it and give chance here and there. For all those who think I can't play badminton as well, I want to tell you it's only I can't be bothered to move around. Once I do, I am ok at it. Anyway, I was bothered yesterday so I moved around the court quite a bit.
She has nice legs. Got to see them yesterday. And she probably has nice other body parts too, but I have yet to verify on those.

Anyway, today was my first day back at work. Got a whole load of emails that spun my head (like the Poltergeist girl) all over the place.

First off, this newcomer in my Office, I call him 阿满 (because he comes from that smarties club 满沙 Or Mensa in English), he really on-the-bola lah. Heard from Jubilee, he just self-initiate reports and then within a couple of hours, when all people want is an email reply, he type out a few pages of document already. High IQ 就是不同地...

Second off, Wolverine was suggesting to 阿满 that he do an updated report that our ancestors previously did so within a few hours, after reading through all the previous work, the Mensa Man came up with a proposal already. Kaoz...that guy damn fast...

Wolverine then came up with a few "suggestions" on what 阿满 should consider for his report but Jubilee couldn't understand Wolfy's chim English (honestly, I thought he used unnecessarily big words that sounded a bit confusing). So Jubilee asked me to read the email and tell her what he meant.

So what did I do? I read Wolfy's email, kinda understood hsi point and wrote an email with these words "小 XXX 只是在说..."...and then of course, being half alseep, I proceeded to send the email to...

...

Wolverine.

When I just hit the "Send" button, I immeddiately felt something was not right but I didn't know what...so I checked my "Sent" folder and to my absolute horror (and amusement actually), I sent the email to Wolverine instead of Jubilee. What was I thinking???!!!

So after that, I just immediately sent an email to Wolverine to apologise and hope that he didn't mind (to soften the impact, I just added a :p). His reply was "No worries...".

Now "No worries" is a good thing but "No worries..." is another thing altogether. Why you need the "..."? Will he cut me into shreds later with his admantium claws? I hope not...

Well, that's it. Another eventful day at the Office™.

Wolverine: Always kena arrows in the back...that's another one from Archangel!

Good Feeling

2006-03-17T20:56:00.000+08:00

"I've got a good feeling

Like I know how I'm feeling

Scraping me off the ceiling

Back to that good feeling

Now I find it hard living

Wasting our time giving

When will we all give in

Into that good feeling"

- From Travis' "Good Feeling"

Hello everybody!!!

It's certainly been a long time since I wrote anything. It's a combination of factors that had stopped me from putting anything here. One of them is, of course, laziness. I am really becoming too lazy to even want to bother penning my thoughts here anymore. Another reason is, well, I've been quite busy really. So I've found that I prefer spending whatever free time I have practising being my next reincarnation (no, I don't believe in shit like this. When you die, you die and go to heaven or hell. You don't get reborn as Lee Kuan Yew) as a lazy fat pig who'd spend its life eating shit, getting fat and finally getting slaughtered to be bacon on your tables. Feeling guilty been a carnivore already? Good! That'd leave more pork for me to eat.

"Hello, I am so cute, how could you bear to eat me???"

Babe...NOW you look MUCH cuter to me...

Anyway, I won't bother to want to disguise that things are (strangely) going swimmingly for me right now. One thing after another. God is really blessing me. Truth is, work is still crappy though but more on that later...by the way, please be forewarned that this will be a very long post...but since you guys will probably have one month to digest what I wrote without any new posts to distract you, you readers should have plenty to go through my shit.

Let me begin by telling you guys about my forthcoming job interview on Monday. Basically, I suspect the whole thing is but a mere formality and that I've probably gotten the post but still, I'm over the moon about it.The first interview that I had for this post was in early December (I think) but since then, I heard nothing from the department at all.

Well, if you went for an interview and then don't hear anything from them for the next three months, what do you think are your chances of getting that job? Next to zero, right? That's what I thought too. In fact, when I was summoned to meet my new Demi-God (henceforth, I will address her as Iron Maiden) for an "informal chat" (don't you just love these things they call "informal chats"? Why don't they just call it the "Your next meeting with me will be about me handing you a pink slip" chat?), she also reminded of that fact too. But more on that later.

So imagine my joy when the head of the department I wanted to join suddenly called me up to ask if I was still interested in the job. Of course I was! So yeah, I will be going on Monday then.

How many times have I talked about Gerrie in my previous posts about dating? I think I have mentioned her quite numerous times already. And I also think I had made it rather clear that I quite fancied this girl. So how are things going? Nicely, I guess.

To be honest, I still quite figure her out. I asked her out for the first time on 4th March while I was still in army ICT. Although the evening went ok, I didn't really think I left any kind of good impression. But strangely since then, she has been responsive to me asking her out for a badminton session and well, even hinted that she doesn't mind going out with me for wine drinking (I am trying to be as neutral as possible...her exact words to me when I told her about the interview was "If you get it, we CELEBRATE with wine. Hee...". We? *Silly grin*). Well, she had also invited me for tennis when our badminton session got cut...wah lau eh, I must be reading too much into this kind of things.

I really don't know whether she's just being friendly or whether she might like me as well. I don't know her nature. But at least the fact is that she doesn't dislike me enough to avoid me so maybe that's a good thing. I think she must at least know that I fancy her because I did tell her during our dinner that if I didn't feel right or like someone, I won't go beyond a first meeting. So the fact that I am so eager-beaver to meet her again must register, ain't it?

Well, whatever it is, I'd just take things one at a time. It's early days and there's still a lot I don't know about her but you know one thing, have you guys (and I mean guys because I don't think gals get this kind of thing) ever seen a girl for the first time and just know that you wanted this girl? That was how I felt when I saw laid eyes on her. When she walked into the room. Two words just flashed into my mind...

老婆

So there you go...

Now talking about work, things are becoming a royal pain in the arse. Ever since Iron Maiden came into power here, she's being throwing things left, right, centre for us to do. Half the time, if not most of it, we are so busy that we don't even know what we are doing. This, surely, cannot be the civil service way?! I always thought civil servants should be very free but still don't know what they are doing...so I think we are, kinda, straying away from the civil service motto by being so busy. Well, at least we still don't know what we are doing.

Anyway, I had gotten called into Iron Maiden's office to discuss some project that she wanted to hand to me...or so I thought. But guess what? When I went in, there was totally no mention of the project at all. Instead, Mdm Iron starting asking me about where I want to go, why I want to go, what I want to do, what I could do, what I couldn't do, how I do what I did, why I didn't do what I should have done, what I should do because I might not do what I want to do and blah blah blah. Really simple stuff.

By the end of the session, I was so broken down by her relentless questioning that I had to seek 抱抱 from Smurfette.

来，给哥哥抱一个

I think Iron Maiden really got to change her look and her demeanour or something. Talking to her is extremely intimidating. She makes you feel like a Primary One kid going into the Principal's office to meet the Principal, who then proceeds to break you down into pieces with her intimidating stare and relentless barrage of questioning. Seriously, they should just send her to Abu Ghraid. Those Iraqis will confess in no time under her questioning. No need for those humiliating tactics. See? Singapore, another Number One...in interrogation methods. LKY will be proud!

There really are a lot of things that are going on in the Office but I think I'd leave it for another post that, maybe, just maybe, I'd write on Sunday because these are exciting, political and extremely dumb dark times in the Office...and I wouldn't want my loyal readers to miss any of it.

Oh...come to think of it, I actually really don't care if you miss it lah...

Khiam Pa Face

2006-02-20T10:19:00.000+08:00

Last Friday, during and after lunch, Shadowcat and I had a quick conversation with Psylocke, who was, unusually, working through lunch for something which must have been quite rushed. The topics of conversation were varied but I remembered one in particular.

It centred on the two new girls who had just joined The Office (I am thinking of registering this as a trademark but I guess the BBC probably beat me to this already). Their names are respectively Queen and Yann.

Queen is a very nice girl, who also happened to be married at the ripe old age of 24 (They get started earlier and earlier, don't they?). She was also the one who suffered from the unfortunate hype of everyone (that includes Jubilee, Iceman, Rogue, etc) who had seen her labelling her as "very pretty". Which was why the moment that I actually eyes on Queen, I was greatly disappointed. Queen looks about the average pretty girl on the street whom you would notice at first glance but would be unlikely to turn your head to have a second. But she's a very nice girl. Unpretentious, down-to-earth and immensely likeable. And because of that, I really do hope that she'd come to my branch but at the moment, she's still under some sort of probation that made little sense to me.

Now Yann is the interesting one. When she first came in, she kind of cheesed off some people with her "high-brow" attitude. But as it turned out, according to Psylocke, her spoken English seems to be quite poor. Surprising considering that she's a psychology student. She also had this haughty look which really turned people off. Shadowcat labelled it as a "piss-me-off" face.

I really do have another label for it which I think is more commonly used, it's called a khiam pa face. Not everyone has it, but you wouldn't want one either. A khiam pa face is basically one where the moment you see him/her, you just want to raise your fist and bash his/her face into a shapeless pulp. So what does a khiam pa face look like? This is one classic example.

Brothers and sisters, put down your fists now, he's intellectually disabled after all.

We really have different terms for this kind of face. In the army, we'd be calling that person a CB face. Alternatively some of us also call these people fcuk face. Sometimes we just call that person a cu*t. Either way, you get the idea. Most of the time, somehow, these faces seem to remind to remind people of intercourse or specifc organs. I really do not quite understand why. Look at this face and you want to have sex? Please, if you really feel attracted to this mug, you either need glasses or IMH admission.

Truth of the matter is though, this is the first time I've heard this label being used on a girl. I never really thought a girl could have a khiam pa face. I thought with girls, it's always you either found them kissable or not (To each his own). Simple, nothing more. Khiam pa? That's new!

In fact, it was so new, I couldn't find any example or think of a girl with a khiam pa face...until I came across this.

So yes, I concede, technically girls can have a khiam pa face.

PS: Yann doesn't really have a khiam pa face lah. She just needs to smile a bit more. Honestly, she looks relatively sweet and has a nice toothy smile....if she bothers with smiling.

Interesting Drug

2006-02-17T15:53:00.000+08:00

There are some bad people on the rise
There are some bad people on the rise
They're saving their own skins by
Ruining other people's lives
Bad, bad people on the rise

Young married couple in debt
- ever felt had?
Young married couple in debt
- ever felt had?

On a government scheme
Designed to kill your dream
Oh mum, oh dad
Once poor, always poor
La la la la la
Interesting drug

The one that you took
Tell the truth - it really helped you
An interesting drug
The one that you took
God, it really really helped you

You wonder why we're only half-ashamed?
Because enough is too much!
...and look around...
...can you blame us? Can you blame us ?

On a government scheme
Designed to kill your dream
Oh mum, oh dad
Once poor, always poor
La la la la la
Interesting drug

The one that you took
Tell the truth - it really helped you
An interesting drug
The one that you took
God, it really really helped you

You wonder why we're only half-ashamed?
Because enough is too much!
...and look around...
...can you blame us? Can you blame us ?

- Morrissey's "Interesting Drug"

Mini$t€r$ ¤₣ £inan¢€

2006-02-16T12:15:00.000+08:00

As our beloved PM would say, the salaries of our Ministers have always been well-publicised so it's no sceret at all. And as he also said, they have always explained why the pay needs to be so and that to get quality men, you must give wages that commensurate with their "talent". So I guess that means the higher the pay goes, the higher quality that person is supposed to be?

This is how good our leaders are as compared to some of the leading nations in the world.

Singapore
Singapore President's Basic Salary: US$1,483,000 (SGD$2,373,100) a year
Prime Minister's Basic Salary: US$1,100,000 (SGD$1,958,000) a year
Minister's Basic: US$655,530 to US$819,124 (SGD$1,166,844 to SGD1,458,040) a year

United States
United States of America President: US$200,000
Vice President: US$181,400
Cabinet Secretaries: US$157,000

Britain
United Kingdom Prime Minister: US$170,556
Ministers: US$146,299
Senior Civil Servants: US$262,438

Australia
Australia Prime Minister: US$137,060
Deputy Prime Minister: US$111,439
Treasurer: US$102,682

Hong Kong
Hong Kong Chief Executive : US$416,615
Top Civil Servant: US$278,538
Financial Sec: US$315,077

And that is, my friend, why we get Lee Hsien Loong while you get George Bush. Our leaders are the best in the world, bar none. If LHL was put in charge of the Iraq war, we'd not only have found WMDs in Iraq, we'd have found Martians too.

But this is also why we get Nathan.

Hell, that's a lot of money to spend on pratas.

"Five pratas kosong takeaway please"

Public Service Nite

2006-02-09T09:40:00.000+08:00

Readers, if you have read Luna Esa's blog entry on the SDU event she attended last night, then you'd know I also attended the above-titled event. Well, since she gave a short version/impression of how the event went, I will give mine (the guy's perspective). Naturally, I wouldn't bother to talk about the guys too much but I have to reiterate two points that Luna made about the guys.

One, it was true that the age of the guys there were rather, erm, high. That will have been a disappointment but keep in mind that there were also a few ladies there who were, well, not that young. These kind of things even out. I am sure these older ladies would prefer to have more mature guys there.

Secondly, hell yes. Mr Dark is a very attractive. Even I think he has quite a magnetic personality, can talk, joke very well, is tall and pretty good looking. That's a pretty good package to me. I think Luna does have good chemistry with this Mr Dark. This kind of thing doesn't always just occur like that, so Luna, please take the hint of what I am trying to say.

Now onto the girls...hmmm, what can I say? One by one. Since I went with Luna, I think I am entitled to comment about her. Don't mind me but I think she has a very attractive personality, is gregarious, bubbly and is quite pretty. If you ask me, I can only say, "What's there not to like?" The only thing I can say is that I am surprised guys don't go after her as much as they should.

There was a teacher there called Clara, another General Teacher (another because Pris is also a General Teacher). Erm, I kinda liked her but felt something was not right. Actually, she was the one I thought I'd fancy the moment she came in, kinda like a lesser version of Gerrie (I am talking about the effect she had on me, not the looks). I admit that I have the tendency to size up people before and during the introduction so that by the end of it, I already have a rough idea whether I'd want to follow up or not.

I find she is generally pretty candid, open and pretty articulate. That's well, pretty attractive to me. But after she shared about her previous experiences with SDU with us, I immediately felt something not right. Basically, she had bad experiences whereby weird guys followed up on her by asking, "When shall we go for a date?" and blah blah blah. She didn't really respond kindly to this so after a while, the guy just suddenly exclaimed, "I give up. I don't have so much patience." And well, stuff like that lah.

Now, I have to concede she reacted in the most plausibly correct way any girl would respond, by ignoring or just saying "No". But her inability to see things from another perspective bugged me. I think maybe because I had met girls like Alicia and Joy who are sensible and/or empathetic in their outlook, I thought maybe girls should all be like that. Not the case and it certainly doesn't have to be that way. In the end, I think following-up is not likely for me. I can't quite read her and it is too much of a leap of faith to follow up.

Next up, is this girl called Flora. Flora is a woman in her thirties. That just about automatically crosses her out from my mind. Listening to her talk later, I think I can reasonably deduct that she's a dominant, extraverted and drivened go-getter (who'd likely go for a guy if she fancies him rather than wait for the man to go after her) who definitely knows what she wants. Drivened, go-getter and dominant? Nah, pass lah. I like extraverted but not one that's dominant.

Cheer is a girl who works at A*STAR and is generally shy and quiet (but then again last nigth was the first time she attended a SDU event) but whom I can see is a very nice girl. I admit I didn't to her much and the good impression of her I have is based purely on intuition. Would I like to know more about her? I'd think about it but unlikely, because like Joy, I think she is just too nice. I am afraid of girls who are really good (then why the fcuk am I trying to xian Joy right now? Joy does have something as her trump card, her empathy. I find that damn sexy in a girl, man.)

And the final girl, Q. She didn't leave much of an impression on me besides that like Flora, she's too old for me...but that was until the final talk that we had. From what I hear and can hence, dedcue, she seems a curiously guarded person. Ok, I have to concede I think she's also quite a sensitive girl which is a good thing but her guardedness is slightly unappealing. She almost reminds me of Vivian Balakrishnan when she speaks. Guarded, measured, overly thoughtful as if afraid of upsetting anything and anyone around her.

So in the end, the sum total of the whole exercise is a big fat zero. No matter. I am still on the trail of Joy and Gerrie at the moment (which is another reason why I don't wanna follow up on Clara...doing multiple follow-ups can really cause schizophrenia) anyway things are quite alright. Still trying to find a way to get at Gerrie. There's some progress but she's going on mission trip to Cambodia soon so well, that gives me a bit of breathing space on thinking how to go after her. And damn, I am going out for a dinner with Lilian tonight...I am not sure whether I am looking forward to that.

Sean Bean

2006-02-07T14:32:00.000+08:00

Last night, I sat through a most uninspiring movie that I hope nobody else has to sit through. The movie is called "Flightplan" and it stars Jodie Foster, who put on another of her patented crazed, desperate mother-on-the-loose-who's-going-after-every-single-man-on-screen-because-they-stole-her-daughter's-sock role. Frankly, I am quite sick of Jodie Foster doing another desperate mother act again. It's like Ashley Judd recreating another of her wronged-woman-on-the-warpath-and-looking-for-vengence role. Enough is enough. These repetitive performances are nothing but exposes on how limited these actresses have become. You don't see the great Sean Bean doing the same thing, do you?

Sean Who? You ask. SEAN BEAN, my friends. He's nothing more than the greatest living actor in the world who's appeared in every single movie in 2005, probably more but who's counting!

"Why the fcuk does Batman got to write about me? Now my rep is ruined..."

Yes, I am sure you must have seen him somewhere on screen this year or last. Think about it and recall. Heck, his great performances have lit up the screen in no small way. In "Flightplan" he was the calm and collected Captain Rich who later lost his balls and thought Jodie Foster was a terrorist. But it's not Sean's fault! It's the script's fault. From the moment he appeared on screen, you just wanted him to get out of the pilot's seat, bum Jodie Foster off the plane and take over the film. Yeah, he's that good.

And what about his role as the evil doctor Merrick in "The Island"? Yeah, the film is a stinker but it's not his fault! If the filmmakers had the good sense to cast him as the lead instead of that Scottish cad Ewan McGregor, "the island" would probably have grossed six times that of "Titanic". It would probably still be a stinker though.

And what about Boromir in the LOTR films? Yeah, he made that role his very own. His manly performance of a flawed vulnerable man who then became arrow practice for orcs must have touched many people around the world. In fact, millions must have wished that it was Aragorn, that chao turtle who can be king but too haolian to want to become one, or Legolas, the elfin Ah-gua, who died instead of the nobly greedy Boromir.

Boromir: "Talk about me somemore and I'd squeeze your balls between my fingers like this"

The great man made all these magnificent roles his. But that's really just the tip of the iceberg. The Man has appeared in just about every movie you've watched. Besides the movies I've mentioned, tick these off as well: "Patroit Games", "National Treasure", "Troy", "North Country", "Ronin", "Don't Say A Word", "Goldeneye" and erm..."Shopping"? Wow, so prolific! Hell, I bet he probably acted in "Fearless" and "Infernal Affairs" too.

Look at all these great movies that Sean has appeared in, don't you think he deserves to have a bigger fanbase? I will be starting a Sean Bean fanclub in Singapore where we can wait in great anticipation for his next small role in a major film and go to the airport to mob him in great numbers if he comes to Singapore (Great stars like him never come to Singapore, but when they do, they usually come in via Tiger Airways...so keep a sharp lookout). People who wish to join this club will have to pay an annual member subscription fee of $925 and will get a fanclub T-shirt embellished with a picture of Sean Bean (which I will kindly print for you guys at a neighbourhood shop for $9 per piece) and a video compilation of all of Sean's peformances so that you can all go home and drool over his masterful performances.

Finally, I have a final word to add. Isn't it a divine injustice that the Academy Awards have overlooked Sean again in their nomination list this year? Where is Sean to be found in the best actor nomination list? Fcuk Joaquin Phoenix, man. Sean Bean can do a better Johnny Cash. In fact, he'd do something that Joaquin Phoenix can't do, he'd do Johnny Cash with a Brit accent. How about that? And Heath Ledger? Fcuk him too. Sean Bean can do "Brokeback Mountain" better as well. In fact, if he did "Brokeback Mountain", it'd NOT be a gay love story because he'd bash that fag Jake Gyllenhaal up before he got within ten metres of the great Mr Bean. It'd be a Oscar-winning movie where Sean Bean finds a code in the American dollar note about some hidden treasure and goes all over the country trying to find that treasure (of course, along the way, he kills Jake Gyllenhaal who's trying to molest him)... hmmm, the plot does sound awfully like another movie though.

Brokeback Mountain: Movie hurt by Sean Bean's non-involvement.

Ok, so who wants to join the club? Before you fellows reply me, take a look at this sexy picture of Mr Bean.

Sean Bean and his D-Cups...bro, wear a bra lah...

Now, girls, tell me you don't fancy the man? I am sure Jake Gyllenhaal would.

The Dating Game

2006-02-03T11:17:00.000+08:00

I have to confess I am more than a little sleepy right now and quite tired. Slept at around past 1 last night and woke up at around 6:15. Although I didn't get out of bed until 6:40, I didn't manage to get back to sleep either.

And I am supposed to do some background today for my discussion with Rogue on Monday. I did look through a bit of stuff but I'm really a little dazed to hold my concentration for long. So I thought, "What better thing to do than come here and sprout rubbish?" Ok, so as mentioned earlier, I'd talk about some dating and related stuff that occurred before, during and after CNY.

I had went for a SDU speed dating session for Christians last Thursday. The session was relatively small, peopled by only 4 guys and 10 gals, which was a major surprise for me actually. Not the size of the group, which was for me, small, nice and cosy. The thing that surprised me was the lack of males in the session. Of course, I shouldn't really be complaining about this but it does make me wonder about the under-representation of guys. I will be attending another speed dating session next Wed, this time with Luna Esa, and guess what? Last Luna found out, the number of guys was only 3 (against 8 gals). Hmmm...really, this is weird. Where have all the men gone?

Ok, anyway, the session went alright. I didn't expect a lot and I wasn't given a lot. And as usual, you get your mixed bag of gals. These are the friendly, gregarious and jokey ones which I took an immediate liking to. There were the prim and proper ones (somehow most of the time, these are also the ones who are damn quiet), which I am ok with unless they start being anal. And there are those who are a mixture of the two.

Blah blah blah. Basically, I sieved out four of them that I'd like to, erm, tackle. Their names are (in alphabetical order) Alicia, Gerrie, Joy and Pris. Let me talk about each of them.

Alicia is a bubbly and gregarious gal, who also seemed canny and sensible in her observations of life. I like that a lot and I do find her personality extremely attractive to me.

Gerrie is a quiet girl. I didn't get to talk to her much abd don't know much about her. I confess the only reason why I wanna tackle her is because she's a bit of a looker. I have to work on the basis that she's more than what she lets out. I don't believe that she'd still be so quiet after she's warmed up to someone...but if she is...hmmm...geeez.

Joy is also bubbly and gregarious but there's something about her which make me hold back a little when talking to her. It could be that I felt she was a very prim and proper girl, it could be the feeling I got that she's a very devout person. It took me a few days to a few days to figure out why I was a little guarded with my cock-talking even though she was warm and laughed easily...she reminded me of my old pious, prim and proper ex-cell-group leader whom I had made weep through my distinct lack of passion. GULP!

Pris was something like Alicia, only even less inhibited. So should be better, right? Read on.

Due to some kind of weird arrangement by the organisers, I wasn't able to get their contacts immediately (more of that later). But I managed to get my hands on the contacts of Alicia, Joy and Pris.

So I emailed the three of them. Within two emails, I struck Pris off the list because she sounded lukewarm and less than enthusiastic to correspond. Alicia was her usual self and of the three, I wrote to her most often. I am arranging to meet her this weekend to get a better feel of what she is like but so far, it's been alright.

And as for Joy, phuah...guess what? I think she wants to invite me to her church. This is after I had mentioned during our chat that I wasn't attending any church now. I mean...wow man, xian chabo xian until go church, I must be a siao lang to have to do that. I understand, of course, it's not a bad thing and she means well...but all these reminds me uncannily of...my ex cell-group leader...GULP!

Anyway, the remaining one (and the one I confess I actually must wanna xian) is Gerrie. Now let me talk about how the event worked.

During the event, upon reaching and registering, each of us was given a sheet of paper containing a list of names of the participants of the opposite gender. And there were two questions which aplied to each name: Whether they are polite and respectful during the event and whether one'd like to meet them again. So with such a piece of paper, one would assume that matching would be done at the end of it all, right? If not, then why did they bother asking whether we'd like to meet them again?

But three days after the event, no one got any news. No matching, no follow-up, no nothing. In fact, I had gotten the contact list on my own iniative after going to the SDU website to find out what was going on. Nobody else even knew about the existence of this list until I alerted some of them to it. What the fcuk? And the list wasn't even comprehensive anyway, it didn't have Gerrie's contacts but had the contacts of most others. So well, I had to write a letter to the organisers yesterday night asking for clarification on what is actually happening or was supposed to happen.Were we supposed to exchange contacts on out own? If so, then say so lah, don't make people wait for nothing what!

Ok, as for Gerrie's contact, I got it off Alicia because I was aware that they were sitting at the same table and girls, somehow tended to exchange contacts (don't know for what, I never exchange contacts with guys. For fcuk? I have enough guy friends already), so well, I kind of tested her, found out she got Gerrie's contact and managed to get it. But I haven't contacted her yet...probably later tonight...while she still remembers the event.

And oh, I am meeting Lilian (Aunt Harriet's niece) next Thursday. Don't ask me why, I also don't quite know. I guess I felt a bit bad. Aunt Harriet did ask me about Lilian during CNY. It was inevitable. So I just played dumb to her queries but what surprised me was Lilian's side of the story. Apparently she expected me to call her. She didn't want to call me because she felt it was not right for girls to take iniative. I was like..."Huh? What the..." So ok loh, I call her and arrange to meet for dinner. No big deal really. But at this point I am really wondering what I am gonna talk about with her on that day.

That's a lot of cock and bull I just wrote but what's my point, really? I also don't know. It's just things that have happened to me the past week. A lot of cock and bull that's happening on the dating scene for me here. I had set a resolution that by the end of this year, I'd have to grab some unfortunate chabo with whom I can settle down permanently with. I still haven't got an inkling who that could be, nor may I have even met her yet. But the year still lies long ahead of me...so...boy oh boy...so tiring...

色魔

2006-02-02T17:12:00.000+08:00

Geez, what a weird day. First off, I did my first proper piece of work for the year (one has to start sometime and somewhere), writing an email assessment for my demi-god who seems to pounce on anything that might seem of faint interest. the work was generated from yesterday out of nowhere and well, just when I thought I was done and dusted with it...guess what? Demi-god wants a full-pledged effort exploring the issue. WHAT THE @#$%^&*! The issue was nothing! NOTHING! Chao turbine.

I am supposed to discuss with Rogue on Monday to assess if there is worth in pursuing the issue. Does anyone think Rogue will say no? That's like hammering another nail into her tightening civil service coffin.

Anyway, let's talk about other things. This morning as I was going to the toilet, I opened the door and was greeted by a pair of wonderfully large Bambi eyes. Astra AKA My Wife!!! Ahhh the sweetness of it all, almost fainted from the shock of seeing her so up-close. Because up-close she's really quite breathtaking. See her from some distance though and she's erm, well, not bad lah.

Wife: Big, beautiful eyes...hmmm, is she topless?

Just now, as the Office X-Men held a WITS (short for "What Is This Shit?!") meeting at a cozy corner at my Office building. As the cozy corner requires booking and I was the one responsible for that task, I went down to collect the keys to open the cozy corner. And lo and behold, what lay ahead but one of the prettiest receptionists I have EVER seen in this building yet?! The name tag on her table read "Cindy". Her surname shall remain confidential.

"Hello Cindy, wanna be my girl?" 咸湿 Batman invited Pretty Cindy. Immediately, Pretty Cindy says, "Of course, Handsome Batman, you're my man and just to tell you, you're the twenty thousandth person to hit on me." Then she used her handphone to snap a picture of herself and sent it to my Batphone so that this superhero will always be reminded of his maiden. Before kissing me full on the lips, that is. This is her picture.

Pretty Cindy: Don't ask me what "Emotion for Digital" means.

I really gotta go book cozy corner more often. In fact, everyday ah! And wah liao eh, this building got so many maidens for Batman to conquer. Very challenging, but die ah, Batman will become Tiredman soon. So many ladies to satisfy.

Sorry readers for such a nonsensical post, I really wanted to write about my dating exploits and some upcoming ones as well but owing to demands from my readers to keep things short and sweet, that will come as the next post...if you are still reading, that is.

Mad Rogue

2006-01-26T14:52:00.000+08:00

Actually I had written a post earlier in the morning and then, for some @#$%^&* reason, Blogger was having some downtime for maintenance (GREAT! YOU @#$%^&* AT BLOGGER DO THIS TO ME! YOU WATCH OUT!) so I lost the entire post and have to retype the thing again. How nice. Twice the labour for a single piece of work.

This morning, I spent my time wondering whether I should really be working, instead of typing a post on the blog. I certainly have some things to do. And I was wondering whether I had become such a gargantuan cool cucumber that I could relax so nonchalanetly in the face of intense pressure. Or am I really just inexplicably bochap? Or is it really that I have such huge confidence in myself that I could finish the work at hand no matter what happens? I think it's really a mixture of the three, though not necessarily in equal parts.

Anyway, regarding the post title, let me recount for all you fabulous readers what exactly conspired. Yesterday evening, out of the blue, Rogue suddenly sent an email out to the Office X-Men (more specifically to Jubilee) about an annual X-Men project that had slipped out of the mind of all and sundry and which supposedly had a deadline that seems curiously alive and moving about. Well, Rogue said she wanted to clear the project and asked who had not done their parts for the project.

Gulp. My Big Jesus but that would mean just about everybody, except the conscientious Wolverine and Shadowcat who had both duly completed their jobs much much earlier. This left Jean Grey, Magma, Jubilee and me in the lurch. Banshee the lap-dog, of course, didn't have anything to do at all and hence, wasn't in the loop.

Wolverine: Great worker...just don't piss him off.

Jubilee had to reply something and well, she replied smartly by giving as little details as possible so that well, Rogue knew all that she needed (or asked) to know and she didn't really have anything to work on the rest of us.

Was that the end of it? Bloody fat hope. Rogue then sent an email asking, I quote, "Can you clearly state the topics and who is in charge. Will approach them directly."

Oh, my Lord Jesus. This email frankly sent some of us into a frenzy. Rogue actually seems to mean business this time, which was very unlike her usual self. But what to do now? Was there even anything else that Jubilee could do? Simply nothing. So Jubilee duly sent the list of relevant culprits to Rogue and we awaited her summoning.

Rogue then sent an email to the list of offenders, namely Jean Grey, Jubilee, Magma and me, asking "What is holding you up?" What is holding us up? How do you say laziness nicely? There was really nothing to say. So being the Archangelic lily-livered X-Men that I was, I waited for somebody else to respond first.

Jean Grey did. And she found the perfect substitute for "laziness". It was "sorry". Magma did the decent thing and followed JG's example. I did the career-saving thing and did likewise too. Gutless.

Archangel: Scared so shitless by Rogue that my face turned blue.

And so that was that and we are all supposed to be hard at work, fulfilling the tasks that we should have been doing for months prior but haven't. Why is Rogue suddenly awake and so on-the-ball? I think I have an inkling of an idea.

Our old demi-god had just departed (retired, in fact) sometime last week and the new demi-god in position, while more competent, is also much more on-the-ball, old school and reputedly rules with an iron fist. She has been known to do inspections on her subordinates and well, frowns on people having breakfast during working hours.

But besides the need to impress the new boss, Rogue really isn't exactly the flavour of the month with the upper management here and maybe has more than a little to prove. Just yesterday, something a little unpleasant happened.

Basically, Rogue, Jubilee and Shadowcat is doing some kind of project for our No. 2 and well, they didn't really know what No. 2 wants and so got mnay things wrong the first time around. Much of yesterday was spent amending the mistakes.

And so blah blah blah, they finished their job at around 5:45 and sent the completed piece to Rogue who vetted it and then sent it to No. 2 for some early comments at about 6. No. 2 wasn't supposed to meet them until Friday. But No. 2 finished early and reverted to them at 6:45, when everybody has already gone home.

So No. 2 called Rogue and when he found out that nobody was around and had gone home, I can only imagine that the god was aghast that nobody was around, particularly Jubilee and Shadowcat because he wanted to speak to them specifically. Saying that "how could they not be around yesterday evening, especially when he was on leave today and cannot process work", he later complained to our demi-god, mentioning the names of Jubilee and Shadowcat in the process. From what I understood, demi-god has already spoken to Rogue about this.

Anyway, you get the picture, right? And if you couple this with, what I think is a dim view our gods have of the Office X-Men, you'd know that this can mean one thing and one thing only.

HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!!!

When Is It Your Turn?

2006-01-24T10:44:00.000+08:00

Boy oh boy, it's that time of the year again. Chinese New Year. So many things to do just to prepare for it. Talk about the springcleaning. What a chore, man. Especially when you consider the state of my room, you'd really know what I mean. I've attached a picture of my room just to show you guys how much work needs to be done.

Me and my 猪朋狗友 friends in my room watching EPL...oh, Ah Kow did not attend that day.

Yeah, what a pigsty right? Anyway, my mum is really the one cleaning everything in my room although I did a bit of work last night. I vacuumed the whole house last night with a small, little handheld Homeproud vacuum cleaner that has about the suction power of my mouth. What a feat, right? Imagine vacuuming a house with a machine that vacuums with as much ferocity as an unfit man sucking dirt through a straw. Come to think of it, I don't actually know how I managed to clean the house with that damn thing.

Oh, and did I care to mention that it was the first time I vacuumed since 1995? Between 1995 and now, I had gone into and came out of NS, graduated from NUS and worked for four years. And I never vacuumed in that time.

File picture from my NS days...and as you can tell, in the army, I VACUUMED FOR NO ONE.

Aww man. Anyway, I really dislike this particular CNY holiday period. It's not the family gathering (I love the reunion dinner actually), not the food (how can anyone possibly hate great food?) and certainly, not the money (ang pow, ang pow, come come to my pocket now) that I dislike. It's the annual "When is it your turn to get married?" question fest that I hate.

Really, it's none of your business, uncles and aunties, if I could tell you in your face. But I couldn't. And this year, there is an added factor involved. Late last year, when my cousin got married, my Aunt Harriet tried to introduce one of her nieces (let's call her Lilian) to me. I wasn't really interested, although I did correspond a bit with her. I think Aunt Harriet would question me about her. I can just imagine the conversation...

Aunt Harriet: Matchmaker.

Aunt Harriet: Hello, Boy Boy Batman!

Batman: Happy New Year, Aunt! 恭喜发财!万事如意!心想事成!饮水思源!

Aunt Harriet: What?

Batman: Oh sorry, I was just throwing whatever 成语 I know at you.

Aunt Harriet: Nevermind. Here's an ang pow for you, Boy Boy. Oh, reminds me, do you remember when Banana (that's my cousin) got married and I introduced...

Batman: Do you want coffee, tea, Pepsi (no Coke in my house, the evil corporation) or water?

Aunt Harriet: Coffee, please. Now, do you remember...

Batman: Is that with cream, without cream, with sugar, without sugar?

Aunt Harriet: With sugar and cream. Now, do you remember Lil...

Batman: How much sugar and how much cream?

Aunt Harriet (starting to sound a little impatient): Two teaspoonful of sugar and one packet of creamer. Thanks. Now, about Lil...

Batman: Here you go.

Aunt Harriet: Thanks. Now, let's talk about Li...

Batman: 李连杰? Yeah, I think he's wasted, man. Spent so much time trying to kowtow to chao ang moh. Now cannot make it, come back to China, make 霍元甲 and cheat us, poor Asians of our money.

Aunt Harriet (A bit red-faced): What the hell are you talking about? I wanted to talk about Lilian...

Batman: Yeah, what! You want to talk about 李连杰 so I talk to you about him loh. What's wrong? Why your face a bit red huh? Is it a bit hot in the house? Are you ill? Are those rashes? Is it contagious?

Aunt Harriet: 你这个衰仔包啊! I don't talk to you already.

Well, what can I say? Amen to that, aunt!

Jesus Loves Me

2006-01-16T09:49:00.000+08:00

Hi all, folks. CNY is just around the corner and holiday mood is all over the air. Everyone is stocking up on goodies and munchies and DVDs and are just waiting to gorge themselves silly and watch TV till insanity sets in. And it's a super-long weekend to boot. Life is good, brothers and sisters, and so am I. But then all of you always knew that.

I am on a streak of good luck right now, fellows. Let me tell you guys what I mean.

First, I struck my 1st 4D prize for over a year last Wednesday. In fact, since I started buying 4D. Ok, it was a measly $60 for an iBet bet of $3. And I only got $60 because I struck 3rd prize. And then, this past Sunday, I struck 4D again. It was, again, another measly $60 for a consolation prize. I guess you can't really complain. Mai hiam buai pai. It's not like I was winning week in week out last year or something.

Another amazing stroke of luck hit me last Friday. I was supposed to meet my friend, Stella, for a dinner at Crystal Jade Ginseng Chicken and Korean BBQ at Ngee Ann City Takashimaya on Friday night. But unfortunately since she only knocks off at around 6+ and we were scheduled to meet at 7, I had to go amuse myself somewhere else before meeting her.

I figured that I might as well go to Gramaphone at OUB Centre Raffles Place to sell some unwanted old CDs I had. This is to kill time, get some cash and clear my room of rubbish all at once (It's still full of rubbish but slowly slowly lah). Oh well, after selling my CDs, I chanced upon the G2000 store there having their promotion sale and I remembered that I had wanted to buy some new work pants for a long time because, frankly, my old work pants are becoming more like spandex bicycle shorts. So might as well do the shopping, somemore got spare cash from the sale and 4D.

Folks folks folks, let me tell you about the G2000 sale. I think it's a great sale. Guys' working shirts and pants are going for $25 (usual price is around $50+) and coats going for $99 (usual price $200+). I think it's a great deal. If I am not wrong, women's clothing also going for $20+, much less than their usual price of $60+. Good buys.

Blah blah blah, I got myself two pairs of pants then made my way down to Taka to meet Stella. Just as a sidenote, wah lau eh, Singapore girls really damn chio, man. Walk along Orchard Road is like lechers' paradise. No wonder those Banglas see liao buai tahan must spray foam and touch touch feel feel. You gals are just too pretty lah. But then again, prettiness is not a sin.

Anyway, even while I was at Raffles Place, I was already holding my jio in because cannot seem to find a toilet there so when I reach Taka, the first thing I did was look for a loo to relieve my army-trained bladder (which can hold up to 94 litres).

Shoot shoot shoot. Ahhhhhhh...爽啊. And then I zipped up and SPLIT. My zipper betrayed me and split in the seams. FCUK @#$%^&*.

Offending article

Oh man...what the...and I stood there, transfixed at my open fly and the majestic view that it will, doubtless, offer to countless envious fellow men (and estactic gals) if I leave it status quo. What to do? Where the heck do I get safety pins in Taka? How the heck do I even step out of the toilet? Untuck my shirt? Bearing in mind that my work pants were really tight and hence, I was unable to fasten them (I merely zip them up and then hold it up with my belt), it was a bit precarious to trust my modesty entirely to my belt alone, no matter how trusty it has been.

And then, at that particular moment, a vision struck me.

Holy Moses!!!!Isn't that Jesus!!!!

"Wow, Heavenly Father, what brought you to Takashimaya toilet at this hour? Have you come to rescue me in my hour of desperate need?", I exclaimed.

"Huh?", the Holy One looked at me in puzzlement. "I'm just taking a leak, son. Don't think too much. Anyway, what thoughts did I put in your head just now? Don't you think I made you buy two new pairs of pants for a reason?"

"Oh my God...oh, sorry, Heavenly Daddy, I didn't mean to blaspheme. Forgive me. But how did you know I was gonna split my zip now? That's amazing. Father, you are truly the Special One. By the way, do you like Chelsea?"

Jesus looked me even more quizzically. "Son, it doesn't take a prophet to figure out you'd bust your zip. Just a matter of time really. You are getting fat. Lucy, or rather Lucifer, wanted to bust it for a long time, in fact. I just figured that he'd probably do it now. Convenient time to embarrass you in front of Stella, nice Catholic girl."

"Thank you, Father!!!I'd go to the cubicle to change into my brand new pair of light-fabric, cool and comfy G2000 pants now. See you around yeah? Take care!"

Jesus replied, "See me around? You don't even go to church, son. I had to come all the way to Takashimaya to find you. And by the way, I don't support Chelsea. I'm a Spurs fan. I always walk with the downtrodden and miserable."

And then just like that, poof, he disappeared into thin air. Leaving more than a few curious folks looking at me seemingly talking to myself. They don't see the truth. All atheists don't.

So yes, now you all know that Spurs is the holy club. And the irrefutable truth that Jesus loves me.

The Holy Club

Rain Rain Go Away

2006-01-06T09:39:00.000+08:00

A belated HAPPY NEW YEAR to y'all!

Haven't wrote anything for a couple of weeks now. I had meant to but I just kept delaying. Meant to do a review of last year (Resolutions fulfilled, movies that touched me, things that had happened and all) but oh well, I guess I'd push that to the weekend when I have the time. Or rather when I bother to.
----------------------------------------------------------------
You know, I've been bombarded by rain lately. No escape, kinda like TVMobile. It's everywhere I turn.

Jean Grey has been obssessing about this slit-eyed Korean love-machine Rain since I came back from my extended break away from Office. She talks so much about him that now, I know about Rain as much as I know about Lin Chiling. And let's face it, listening about some Korean guy with a huge chest isn't half as fun as listening about some Taiwanese chick with a huge chest so I'm praying that some chap in the Office will soon engage me in an extended discussion on Chiling. Mercy mercy.

Anyway, talk about rain. The situation is so bad that not only do I have to listen about him in the Office, but outside the office, it was actually bloody raining too. Damn. It's like 2006 is the curse of the rain for me. It's not only raining outside the Office, it's Raining in it too.

Rain...

And more rain.

Talking about the guy, because Jean Grey practically played ONE of his albums for an entire day, I am also well acquainted with his music. It's sounds like fairly formulaic R&B to me, with about one song catching my attention. Actually, what really caught my attention was his voice.

Correct me if I am wrong and I think Jean Grey would be the first to do so but he sounded a bit like Andy Lau to me. A smoother and less mumbling Andy Lau but Andy Lau no less.

I don't know whether that is a compliment or not. Ok, it really ISN'T a compliment. We all know what Andy sounds like, don't we? A Hokkien songster who, somehow, only does Mandarin and Cantonese pop. And the way he sings, it sounds like he's got sixteen apples stuffed in his mouth. At least Rain only sounds like he got two apples stuffed in his gap.

Potrait of a 50-year-old elderly fart trying to act cute...go apply for your senior citizen's card lah.

Still, more on Rain. Jean Grey mentioned about his concert and one particular segment. There was this catwalk which extended out into the audience. At the end of it, was a smaller expanded space where presumably Rain struts his stuff and whips infantile, nubile and geriatric Korean girls into wild frenzy.

It is at this space where Rain, dressed in a white (presumably translucent) shirt will sing a nice touching song while being drenched in artificial rain. No doubt soaking his nice, translucent, white shirt into a rag and presumably exposing his wet, glistening six pack (六粒）and two points （两点） to the overwhelming ecstasy and rapture of anything with XX or XXY chromosomes. Jean Grey helpfully adds that it's a sight to marvel. Of course, it is, Jean. I am also amazed he didn't get electrocuted by the mic.

Ok, cool it cool it, chabos. I know I got you all hot and bothered with my sexy and titillating description of Bi or Rain or whatever-the-fcuk-his-name-is but I do have a curiosity. Two in fact.

First, why would anyone associate a nice, touching song with wet shirts, six packs and two points? Couldn't he have just sung the song with his shirt dry? What's so touching about a wet t-shirt anyway? I know it's touchy but touching?

Secondly, I really do think any celebrity young and nubile, dressed in white translucence and wet to the skin will be a sight to behold. Ooooh, imagine Chiling dressed in white translucence and then drenched with water...yum yum yum. Argh, stop it lah. Cannot tahan liao lah...

Ok, folks, for all you girls out there, I present to you a great pic of Rain from the concert as I just mentioned above. Dressed in white and wet to the bone. Wet and glistening. Sexy sexy sexy. 读我的blog就是有福利的.

Uncle Batman

2005-12-23T10:36:00.000+08:00

Allo kids and adults,

Starting today, in syndication with ST, Uncle Batman will answer to all your complaints posted on ST's forum so that not only do your grievances get aired, they also get answered and you complain kings and queens can rest your minds in peace and live happily ever after. And if you folks are not satisfied with my answers, please take a look at my picture on top. Look at me cracking my knuckles in my black latex suit with hard erotic nipples. Imagine what I can do to you. So shut the hell up and be in peace. When I say anything, it should be the final word.

First letter of the day:
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Members of 5566 (From left): Fatty, Girly, Baldy and What-the-fcuk-is-his-name?

Dear Uncle Batman,

I refer to Andrea Ong's concert review The World At Their Feet (Life!, Dec 19).

It seems that the media is bent on criticising Taiwanese boyband 5566 even after their very successful concert on Dec 17 at Singapore Expo.

Ong said 5566 'wisely chose mostly high-energy' numbers which 'concealed their weak vocals'.

If 5566 had weak vocals, they would never have enjoyed success with their album releases. These fast-paced songs were merely to showcase their versatile dance moves.

The review later states that 'the boys were lip-synching to pre-recorded tracks for most of the show'. Ask any other member of the audience and he or she will tell you otherwise.

But certain lines were missed because the band were too obsessed with communicating with their fans.

Also, the main reason Zax Wang's voice cracked towards the end was because it had been strained far too much during the three-hour performance. While singing Won't Give Up, he even mentioned: 'Although I am really very tired, I won't give up.'

Shouldn't recognition be given to the concert which was planned and directed solely by the band members?

Sabrina Lau Yanting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Sabrina,

From your letter and your style of writing, it seems to me that you are someone who have received a reasonable amount of education, so it boggles me why you would write a letter to our great national paper that would be such an obvious waste of print space, when the space could obviously be better served discussing important national issues such as TT Durai's peanuts.

And how could you be defending a group that has caused countless afflictions on millions of innocent TV viewers around the world, who are forever emotionally and mentally scarred by the sight of four twats singing and dancing as if they were SMAP? SMAP? More like SCHMUCKS.

Sabrina, I suggest you better wake up your idea soon, or else your parents might just become too ashamed of you and they might very well, one day, decide to simply disown you and send you to IMH for permanent residency.

And as for Andrea's criticisms of 5566, I agree wholeheartedly that 5566 do not deserve such. Here is my take on their concert:

THEY SUCKED, BIG TIME. THEY DON'T REMEMBER THEIR LINES BECAUSE THEY ARE PEA-BRAINS AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO MULTI-TASK. AND ZAX WONG SHOULDN'T JUST HAVE A SORE THROAT, HE SHOULD LOSE HIS VOICE PERMANENTLY.

RATING: -6/10

Ok, that's my take. Hope you are satisfied with this new review.

Yours sincerely,

Uncle Batman.

PS: Andrea, I told you not to be so positive! What's wrong with you?!

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Angsana: National monument.

Dear Uncle Batman,

To spare a mature angsana tree, the authorities built a tree well around it. They also reconfigured a straight three-lane road into two lanes on the left of the tree and one on the right.

I applaud the effort to conserve the tree. Our natural heritage should be preserved.

However, the location of the tree is extremely hazardous to drivers. The rerouting of the road was so sudden that I almost crashed into the tree well one Sunday.

My experience is not an isolated incident for I noticed that some drivers behind me had to swerve suddenly too.

Perhaps the Land Transport Authority should consider the consequences if this situation is not rectified.

An 80-year-old tree may have been saved but an eight-year-old boy may die as a result.

Tay Han Lin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Han Lin,

When our great government decides that a tree is worth protecting, it is ALWAYS done in the name of national interest, but this fact seems to escape you. Now I wonder why?

Do you have an unhealthy disregard for authority? Would you like me to send some of my good old uncle friends from ISD to pay you a visit?

Now I tell you what's good for you. You should enrol in the National Education programme and do some e-learning. It'd be good for you.

And as for the tree being hazardous to drivers. I ask you: What's the small price of a few dozen lives lost compared to the preservation and furtherance of our national heritage?

And do you even have any idea about that tree's significance in the history of Singapore? Let me tell you: It was exactly under this tree here that Sir Stamford Raffles took his first shit on Singapore (Temasek) when he landed here. He had this sudden stomachache and couldn't find a potty.

So bow down under that tree and smell Sir Raffles' turd, you ingrate.

Yours sincerely,

Uncle Batman.

PS: By the way, Han Lin, I can't tell from your name if you are guy or gal. If you are a gal, Uncle Batman want to sayang you.
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TT Durai: Gov repossessing his nuts.

Dear Uncle Batman,

The revelations in independent auditor KPMG's report on the National Kidney Foundation (NKF) upset many of my friends and family members severely, as they had many other Singaporeans.

It is inexplicable to us how a high-profile public charitable organisation handling such large amounts of donor funds could be allowed to operate without any semblance of proper governance over so many years - all this in a country that prides itself on being well regulated and governed.

The NKF saga is a national disgrace and responsibility for it lies squarely on the shoulders of the former NKF board members who failed in their fiduciary duty, and the regulators and auditors if they had failed in their duties in any way.

Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan has assured Singaporeans that all wrong-doing will be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law.

I hope the authorities will also consider taking action to recover from the former board members, executive-committee members and staff of the NKF all monies or benefits they received from NKF or cause to be expended in breach of their fiduciary duty that were out of the ordinary, unusual and not in accordance with accepted practices.

These could include, but are not limited to, backdated salary increases going back several months, backdated salary increments given to staff who had tendered their resignation, backdated enhanced leave going back several years which were encashed, and overtime pay for then CEO T.T. Durai for time spent overseas on official duties during weekends and public holidays.

The $30,000 average monthly expenses incurred by Mr Durai on his corporate credit card should also be scrutinised and any inappropriate expenditure recovered.

No one should be allowed to keep any ill-gotten gains, especially if they came from public charity funds.

Reading KPMG's report, I could not help but feel that there had been a plunder of the NKF.

Patrick Yeo Bor Gee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Patrick,

Please be rest assured that the government is doing as best as it can to save its face, erm, I mean salvage the situation and do things right.

There is no doubt that we will pursue all means necessary to have justice done. In fact, we will charge Durai under drug trafficking and have him hanged to satiate the public's bloodlust.

We will charge his entire family under murder charges and have them hanged too.

And we will sue his grandmother, great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother to recover every rupiah that he may have syphoned from NKF. We will recover all the peanuts that Durai took from NKF, maybe we'd even repossess his nuts too. All funds recovered will be directed to NKF's annual D&D to raise dampened morale amongst staff.

And as for the NKF former board of directors, please be rest assured that we have the worst possible fate lined up for them: We will place them in opposition parties for the upcoming elections and make them run in Ang Mo Kio and Marine Parade GRC as SM Goh wishes. Not only will they lose their security deposit when they get trounced, the government will also sue their pants off for defamation no matter what they say or don't say.

Now is this justice or what? :)

Yours sincerely,

Uncle Batman

PS: Can all readers stop writing about NKF already? You guys are boring my tits off all talking about the same point.
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Civil Service Ethos

2005-12-22T16:48:00.000+08:00

各位亲爱的公务同志们，你们下午好！

今天，我要再对你们次宣导我们国家公共服务机关伟大的使命与6大宗旨。

请大家随我念一遍，并且记住这将是我们在事业与生活上的哲理。

要是你不是华人，看不懂，所以想告我种族岐视的话，我只能对你说：华语Cool!

这是我们领导说的，所以你要告的话，就去告他们吧。关我屁事。

在念公务员宣言之前，让我们以最亢奋，热情与骄傲的爱国情潮，高喊：李伯伯万岁！

1) 面对领袖时，我们只能说“对”，“行”，“好”，“很好”与“非常好”。其他字眼一盖不可使用。

2) 我们是无党派，无主见的。除非党派有双“P”于党名之内。

3) 我们不管花红有多少，都得从容地笑脸面对，并且高喊，“幸福啊！今年水电费有着落了”

4) 我们对红毛人与李氏企业得特别尊敬。哦，对不起，这是国家人民的共同信念。

5）我们从不偷懒。但也不加工。六点钟不回家的同志得去牢改，接受重新教育。

6）我们不准喜欢NKF和他妈的死杜莱。

好了，大家念牢了吗？没记好的话，明天就别来上班了，懂没？

看不懂的同志们，可Cut and Paste （公务员最拿手的绝招)到Altavista Babelfish去翻译。

Guess Who

2005-12-21T09:36:00.000+08:00

End of the year quiz for y'all. Give me your answers as comments. I confess I don't have the answers to all these questions so if any of you can answer all these questions...you are truly 八卦王/后.

1) One up and coming local actor who has a middle-aged plastic surgeon boyfriend living in the East of Singapore.

2) An unmarried 30-something Mediacorp actor and a famous blogger are "special" buddies.

3) A certain Ah-Jie became a vegetarian after she broke up with her former bf, also a local actor.

4) A local actress went into a boutique, took some clothes off the shelf and asked to charge it to the owner's account. Unfortunately, the staff member recognised the actress and called the owner's wife to ask what to do. The owner's wife came storming into the boutique and gave the actress a tight slap. From then on, the actress was never seen shopping in that particular chain of boutiques.

5) A certain actress with dangerous curves was known to be an SPG before she met her current boyfriend.

6) A certain 30-something year old MediaCorp actress was known to have a crush on a fellow actor (who is now married). She was also 'romantically involved' with at least 2 other co-stars and was rumoured to be the cause of marital problems between one of them and his wife.

7) A very popular Chinese local female singer is really lesbian.

8) A showbiz couple used to go out on dates in public despite both being very well-known. They were spotted at Holland Village, Plaza Singapura, the Botanic Gardens, restaurants along Kim Seng Road, Zouk and other Mohammad Sultan bars, even though the actress is well known for disliking the partying life.

9) An up-and-coming actor was rumoured to have molested several female co-stars on the set of a serial some time back.

10) A Hongkong actor who came to Singapore to star in a serial famously pissed off the cast, including the lead actress, because of his moody, eccentric and egotistic ways. However, when interviewed, the lead actress politely said "working with ___ was fine, we got along well".

11) A top Singaporean actress who starred in a movie was embarrassed because her foreign co-star gave her the brush-off and ignored her during a high-profile awards ceremony in Singapore.

12) An Ah Jie was scheduled to attend a talkshow by an international Singaporean diva, but because her filming schedule was extended, she came to the talkshow late, only to be told off by the diva. When the filming of the show ended, the Ah Jie was spotted teary-eyed backstage.

13) A certain actress with a wholesome image was formerly an anti-smoking campaign ambassador. However, rumour had it that she smoked.

14) A certain young actress is not able to manage her feelings for her male co-stars. She switched to hosting recently.

15) A very elderly male veteran actor was recently charged with using his mobile phone while driving.

16) A MediaCorp male host is rumoured to be bisexual.

17) Two beautiful MediaCorp actresses competed for a plum role in a drama serial. One of them got it. The other actress got a supporting role, but then rejected it before costume fitting. Rumours flew that she wasn't happy playing second fiddle to the first actress.

18) An award-winning local actress slept with a Hongkong TV producer.

19) Fann Wong mentioned that when she filmed her first TCS drama Dreams Come True in 1994, an actress sneered at her and said, "with your type of acting, you'll never make it".

20) A hunky actor starred in a Hongkong film in which he played a gay character. He acted as another gay in a Singapore-Hongkong movie co-production. Who is he?

21) This travelogue host reportedly seduced the boyfriend of a local popular then-pop star, then had a foreign boyfriend for a while before attaching herself to a hunky actor, who is a close friend of the pop star mentioned above. Because of this, the pop star's friendship with the hunky actor kinda thinned out.

22) A MediaCorp actor was accused of molesting a Hongkong actress. It turned out that the Hongkong actress's publicist concocted the rumour.

23) A local actress who endorsed a slimming pill product was embarrassed one day during filming, when the white skirt she wore had oil stains leaking from her bum.

24) A very slim actress has a well-known weakness for Snickers chocolate bars. Her voracious appetite for Snickers is well-known despite the fact that she's incredibly slim-waisted.

25) A Singaporean pop star was accused of being rude to a camera shop owner in Far East Plaza.

26) A Singapore pop singer who released 3 albums is unpopular among her colleagues because she's deemed to be fake.

27) There is a middle-aged actor who had a reputation for being 'close' to young actresses on the set, until about 10 years ago, when this new actress screamed blue murder and complained to the top management.

28) A local actress who was filming in Taiwan went to a massage shop and nearly got 'molested'.

29) A local actress has the habit of plying reporters with gifts from her fans.

30) A Channel NewsAsia female host is well known for her bad temper and constant bitching on the set.

31) An outspoken actress who once acted in a Hollywood movie quarrelled with an international star in Singapore.

32) An actress and actor fell in love on the set, but the actor married someone else. On their wedding day, the actress left Singapore so as to avoid his wedding dinner. Subsequently, the couple collaborated successfully in a number of popular serials, and caused the wife of the actor to become consumed with jealousy. This resulted in a very public breakup.

33) A local actress recently went to China to shoot a drama serial. When she was at the ulu filming city, the first thing she said was, "Where is this godforsaken place?" She refused to mix with the cast and crew from China, Hongkong and Taiwan, and shut herself in her room. Other than filming, she refused to talk to anyone except the director. Her co-stars ignored her.

34) A certain local band wrote a song named after a popular local actress, which criticised her command of the English language and hinted that her lifestyle contributed to the rise of materialism among her fans.

35) "The most aggressive female actress in MediaCorp". There's only one.

36) A certain veteran actor had to sleep on the couch after his wife kicked him out of bed for posing with a beauty queen in a series of advertisements.

37) An actress who was shopping at a bookshop in Takashimaya was rude to a sales cashier and this male cashier was so pissed off, he slammed her change on the table even though she had her hands outstretched to receive it. This actress gave him a killer stare and stalked off with her actor boyfriend.

38) A local female singer was rumoured to have slept around with many men.

Happy Guessing!

King Kong

2005-12-20T10:11:00.000+08:00

The Protagonist in his self-titled film "King Kong"

"Magic for the price of a ticket"

So says a character in the film "King Kong" and to that end, Peter Jackson gives us a 3-hour-long swashbuckling action adventure that just about delivers as much as what that character promised. Indeed, "Kong" can just about be summarised as a 3-hour rollercoaster ride that delivers its fair share of thrills and spills but with a emotional core at its centre.

Unlike many other action films, "Kong" doesn't deliver its thrills straight to us on a platter. It takes a long time to build. The story begins in depression-era 1930s New York where a struggling vaudeville artiste, Ann Darrow (a quite fetching Naomi Watts), soon finds herself unemployed when her theatre closes down. Faced with the unappetising prospect of starring in a strip joint and hunger, she is reduced to stealing which is how she meets Carl Denham (Jack Black), an ambitious filmmaker in no small spot of trouble himself. He is facing the prospect of losing ownership of his half-completed film as his financiers sought to repossess his film reels to sell as footage to recoup some small consolation for their heavy investment. Carl recruits Ann for his leading lady role (after his former leading actress walks out on the film) and then sets about deceiving Ann and struggling playwright, Jack Driscoll (Adrien Brody) into boarding a rickety ship allegedly bound for Singapore for filming (STB gets extra mileage here. Wanna do a King Kong-theme tour for Singapore? You know, the "Where Carl Denham of King Kong might have shot his movie in Singapore" tour. Includes, erm, Sentosa, Boat Quay and Mohd Sultan Road) but which is really travelling towards Skull Island for footage. In the course of this journey, Ann and Jack will also find themsleves falling in love.

Wow, and that was just the opening act I was talking about. The second act of this film then takes place on Skull Island which is where Jackson keeps the action coming thick and fast relentlessly.

The film and boat crew, led by Captain Englehorn (Thomas Kretschmann) a hunter who hunts for exotic animals to sell, soon find themselves crashing into the mysterious, fog-enveloped Skull Island during a storm and before long, the crew encounters the natives (Jackson makes an interesting choice here. He reduces the natives to Orc-like savages. It almost feels like a LOTR tribute) who attack the film crew and then have the boat crew besiege them in return.

However, before long, Ann would be captured and offered as a sacrifice to the mysterious Kong who only now appears on screen after an hour or so of setup. And then all hell breaks loose.

Jack and Carl soon find themselves leading a rescue mission to save Ann who is captured by Kong. And this long mission here is punctuated with loads and loads of hideous monsters hidden in the island that the rescue crew encounters. Besides enountering a herd of rampaging Brontosauruses, the crew is assaulted by Kong, the big primate himself, assorted man-sized creepy crawlies that devour people for food and later, huge vampire bats. To describe all these in words can't quite do justice to what happens on screen but trust me, the action doesn't let up and it's a thrill-a-minute ride that Jackson cleverly serves up.

This second act is intercut with sequences involving Ann and Kong which really gives the movie its heart and sweetness. For instance, when Ann is first captured and tried to escape, she is then faced by the 20-foot Kong which tries to establish itself as lord of the house with with furious teeth-baring and chest pounding. Her reaction, to dive straight into her stage routines to amuse Kong, provokes a reaction from Kong that really indicates the true nature between captor and captive. This is later further established by a furious battle between Kong and 3 (yes, THREE) T-Rexes as Kong tries to protect Ann, leading to a scene where Ann begins to understand Kong and this creates a beautiful scene at the end of it all where the two sit together to appreciate a breathtaking panorama view of a sunset.

Oh well, all things (good or bad) must come to an end. Driscoll soon finds Ann and manages to rescue Ann from Kong while Carl (after smashing his camera and losing everything that he came to Skull Island for) hatches a plot with Captain Englehorn to use Ann as bait and lure and capture the gigantic primate for show in NY. They, of course, eventually succeed as Kong's longing for Ann proves his undoing.

The film then goes into its third and final act where the captured Kong is transported back to NY and is presented as a the central piece of a grotesquely tasteless cabaret show. I will go brief here. Kong will, of course, break free and seek out Ann who finds him. The two will enjoy a brief, peaceful and quite heartwarming (or heartbreaking, depending on your perspective) moment on a frozen lake in Central Park before a frenzied run across rooftops leads to the final ascent up the Empire State Building as seemingly, the entire army goes after him. What happens after, we all know.

I will not delve into individual performances here but will simply say that all of the cast did their job very well. Naomi Watts screams with the best of them but more importantly, establishes a tenderness and understanding with her CGI co-star which helps the audience to sympathise with the giant ape. Jack Black is, well, his usual OTT self but one doesn't go to see Black without expecting anything less and Adrien Brody, well, I never saw him as an action hero (he doesn't have the looks for it) but Jackson somehow frames him like he is one and Brody is, surprisingly, always convincing in his role.

The central character is, of course, King Kong himself and here, as essayed by Andy Serkis, another CGI creation (after LOTR's Gollum) comes alive on screen and matches the live-action actors par for par (which is more than one can ask for from a CGI creation). Kong is, at turns, angry, contemplative, playful, sad, possessive, protective and somehow, always misunderstood. And there in, lies the gist of Kong. A huge, misunderstood and lonely creature who may have finally found a soulmate in Ann but will be denied this companionship because the world, at large, does not understand him, his reasons, his fears and in turn, fears him because of these unknowns. But because Ann understands him (and perhaps the audience as well), she feels and cares for him in a way that others, too busy trying to bring him down, do not.

Too many blockbusters, in their attempts to razzle-dazzle the audience, fill up their screens with CGI and leave out a story and emotions. Some will service their movie with a passable plot but do not create or establish characters that audiences could truly care for. Many a times, the quiet moments they offer are, at best, perfunctory. They lack any real interest in establishing concrete characters and relations. In simple words, they lack heart.

What Peter Jackson has done in "Kong" is not only to use amazing CGI to service a well-known tale and entertain but also to give it an emotional core that lifts it above most other blockbusters. Kong and Ann are given screentime to establish a relationship and hence, despite knowing that Kong isn't really real, I cared for him and felt a certain sadness for his eventual demise. And that is no mean feat.

Roger Ebert called "Kong" one of the best movies of the year. I'm not too sure about that. But it is one of the better movies I have seen this year and it is certainly one of the best popcorn movies (blockbusters) this year. And for that, I will recommend it.

8/10

A History Of Violence

2005-12-11T17:54:00.000+08:00

Viggo Mortensen in "A History of Violence"

I've watched a couple of films in recent weeks that I've admired but not necessarily liked. One of those films was "Closer", a bruising, fiercely articulate film about deception, infidelity and emotional brutality. The other film which caught my admiration was "A History of Violence", a David Cronenberg tale about well, violence.

"History" is a tale about Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen), a Midwestern family man and owner of a popular neighborhood restaurant who lives a quiet but fulfilling existence in Millbrook, Indiana. With a loving and beautiful lawyer wife Edie (Maria Bello), a cute-as-a-button daughter Sarah (Heidi Hayes) and a meek but well mannered teenage son Jack (Ashton Holmes), this postcard-perfect portrait of small-town Americana couldn't be any more picturesque. But things are about to change...

One night, two ruthless killers (Stephen McHattie and Greg Bryk) draw their guns in a robbery attempt at Tom's diner. But Tom, in a virtuoso (and heroic) moment that seemed to even surprise himself, despatches and kills both with breathtaking speed, deadly force and some measure of brutality.

But much to his chagrin, he is plastered all over the news for his heroics and he gets huge and unwanted publicity over his actions. The publicity also brings about the appearance of a mysterious trio of strangers who follow the Stalls' every move. These include Carl Forgarty (a malevolent and very good Ed Harris), a badly scarred Irish mobster from Philadelphia and two hoods in his employ who all insisted that they knew Tom and that he really was someone named Joey.

As this situation is confronted, secrets will be uncovered, identities will be questioned and lifes will be taken as the situation spins uncontrollably towards a fitting climax with another mobster in Philadelphia by the name of Ritchie Cusack (William Hurt).

I guess I am being deliberately vague here in describing the revelations that will follow and the relationships of all these characters involved. In my opinion, it is probably best left to audiences to discover for themselves the plot and the twists which are to follow. Now that I've got the plot out of the way, I'd talk about what I admire about this movie.

There is quite a bit to admire about this film. Let me first state that I find it quite a relief that David Cronenberg decided to tell this tale in a relatively linear story arc which made it easy to follow everything. It might seem strange to praise someone for telling a story straight but one has to take into account, director Cronenberg's reputation for quirkiness (and seeming fetish for squirmish and grotesque uses for body parts). Cronenberg tells his story expertly here, with subtle signs of unease that continues to build throughout the film.

But he was also more than ably assisted by a group of splendid actors who bring the characters on screen to life. I never took much notice of Viggo Mortensen. I thought that his Aragorn in LOTR was too much of a straight-forward hero to suggest anything about how good an actor Mortensen really was. Which might be why I was slightly surprised by how good Mortensen was in this role. In his potrayal of Tom, Mortensen first impressed upon us the image of an all-good average American family man before creating changes in tone that could suggest otherwise. Now this is good acting. For until his identity was unveiled, I was left confused as to who Tom really was. Was he Tom pretending to be Joey to protect his family? Or was he really Joey pretending to be Tom all the time but finally forced to confront his past? Consider too the rough stairway sex scene between Mortensen and Bello and contrast this with the playful and tender sex scene earlier between the two. Spot the contrast and tell me what this says about Tom and possibly Edie as well.

The other supporting roles in the cast too did a great job in their roles. Bello (whom I have never noticed either) oozes ample warmth and love at the beginning of the film before showing appropriate uncertainty and fear for what was to follow.Holmes, as the teenage son, also shows laudable range that suggests uncertainty, fear and anger. And Ed Harris? Well, he is nothing short of his usual self, delivering a flawless performance that once again he is one of the best character actors in the business.

And yet the one who could potentially have delivered a tour de force in this film must really be William Hurt. Much had been made (by critics) over his brief but unforgettable performance in the final act of the film. Many have described his performance as pure scenery-chewing mastery, but a number have also described his act as OTT and overtly showy. For me, I am more inclined to go with the former although I could could see why people might see Hurt as showboating. Reactions really do depend on each individual's taste and perception but I think no one can deny that Hurt's performance is so fun that it really does add to the film's enjoyment, whether likeable or not.

Another thing that I liked about "History" is Cronenberg's communication of his ideas and the thoughts they provoke. "History" had a number of points to make (Cronenberg had openly said in an interview that "History" had three levels: The title refers (1) to a suspect with a long history of violence; (2) to the historical use of violence as a means of settling disputes, and (3) to the innate violence of Darwinian evolution, in which better-adapted organisms replace those less able to cope.) and Cronenberg, in my opinion, brings these expertly across. While the first two points should be obviously enough to anyone who watches the film, the third might not come across that easily. But consider how Tom despatches of the threat of the two killers in his diner and again, how he finished off various other opponents in later parts of the film. Those situations were life and death, killed-or-be-killed dilemmas. And what about Jack's stunning response to being bullied in school? Only the strongest will survive?

While I have stated why I admired the film, I have yet to say why I didn't quite like it. Well, the film felt cold to me. Although it did leave me thinking on several issues that it raised, I didn't find myself as engaged as I thought I might be. And I usually don't like films that do not stir emotions within me when I leave the cinema.

So could I recommend it? I am not too sure. There are bits of violence here which audiences might find uncomfortable, although to me, they perfectly accentuate the ugliness of violence (How many stylised action movies have we seen that blows away people like they are not human?) and the audience is forced to confront a moral issue as we shown the bloody aftermath of some of Tom's actions (which, let's be honest, we want to see): Does it make it alright to kill, disfigure or maim just because a "good" person is doing it to a "bad" guy?

And finally, I also urge people who are going to watch the movie to consider the final scene. This is the one scene which I find I couldn't agree with some critics who reviewed the movie. Some have described it as hopeful. Some have described it as redemptive and yet chilling. For me, what I saw was uncertainty, pain and perhaps, reconciliation. Is reconciliation the same as hope? And how could redemption be found after all that had happened? But if redemption was truly the point of that scene, then yes, I do find it truly chilling.

7/10

X-Men Convention

2005-12-01T10:46:00.002+08:00

The X-Men convention: Looks a tense affair

"Idleness is the root of mischief"

- Geoffrey Chaucer off The Canterbury Tales

Frankly,I am idling right now,which is why I am risking a bit blogging in the Office.The environment is such that it's not really safe to write anything here anymore but well,I don't really want to do anything constructive,not until the afternoon anyway.I suppose the truth is that nobody in the office is actually doing any work anyway at this moment in time (because ALL the bosses are not around) but that's a pretty strange excuse for not doing anything.Oh well,whatever.Some of the other X-Men are right now talking in Jubilee's cubicle (Banshee,Jean Grey,Jubilee and Gambit [AKA Aquaman...everyone should have an X-Men moniker from now on,when referred to in context to the Office X-Men]).I can't hear what they're saying.I'm just immersed in the sounds of Lamb's trip hop.It's a wonderful sound,this trip hop thing.I am not taking part in the conversation.Usually I try not to.More on that later.

On Monday,the X-Men had their first ever convention (what is known in the general world as a retreat) in my four years.The X-Men,the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and members from O记 were mixed and divided into small groups for discussion.Hmmm,I suppose this is as good a chance to reintroduce all the X-Men again as any other,so here goes (in their respective groups):

Group A:

Shadowcat

Astra (AKA Smurffy)

陈慧珊 (All the Executive Assistants who participated will be given names of HK celebrities)

Quicksilver (a very likeable smartie who's also a co-ordinator for the event)

Two members from O记 (Members of O记 shall remain mainly anonymous because...well,I can't quite remember who is in which group and anyway,they don't really play much of a role in the politics that ensues)

Group B:

Banshee

Scarlet Witch (Part of Astra's clique)

Iceman

陈宝珠

White Queen (She's a member of O记 and a co-ordinator of the event and since she's a friend,she's also an X-Men)

来来 (Do not ask where this name came from)

Group C:

Mr Sinister

Polaris (A soon-to-be head?)

Destiny (A newbie who is allegedly my long-long sister...that'd make her Batgirl in real-life then)

郑裕玲

杀破狼 (Gambit's love interest,also O记)

1 or 2 members from O记

Group C's Mr Sinister: Jean Grey finds him attractive...RIGHT...

Group D:

Colossus

Blob (AKA Ah Pui...Ah Pui is another smartie by the way)

Toad (AKA Chewbacca)

Pyro (A newbie and possibly a smartie,I'm not too sure)

2 members of O记

Group E:

Archangel (AKA Batman...me lah,bloody hell)

Jubilee

Juggernaut

汪明荃

彭丹

1 member from O记 (A lady of FIRE...)

Group F:

Jean Grey

Magma (The MC of the event...and trust me,she can really talk)

Sabretooth

林子祥

Gambit

2 members from O记

Gambit: Doing a few card tricks to impress his chabo 杀破狼

So there you go,the complete lineup and that's just that...gosh,what a long post this is going to be!Anyway,Wolverine and Husk were missing in action for us due to the former being overseas while the latter is on MC (as usual).Psylocke was also missing because she went to get herself a new set of eyes.Rogue,Mystique,Apocalyse (O记 boss) and the demi-god were observers.

And so the X-Men Convention began...

Wolverine: Absolutely seething that he missed the convention...wait,is that Captain America kneeling beside him?What the...

Well,I'd not go into the nitty-gritty stuff because I don't know what is happening in every group and I'd just talk about the stories that I've seen and heard.

First,I gotta talk about Colossus's group.Apparently,Blob,Toad and Pyro went into the discussion group with answers they had previously discussed in their own group meetings.Hence,all they brought to the table was a sheet of paper with pre-determined points and they were less than eager to contribute to any discussion,let alone start one.So poor Colossus was left to start one by with the two O记 members.Hey,you don't contribute,fair enough but Blob,Toad and Pyro were apparently whispering and giggling among themselves.What type of schoolgirl behaviour is this?!Someone get these chabos some sanitary pads and stuff it into their mouths.

Colossus: Even the metalman can be reduced to tears in the company of Evil Mutants

The small-group discussions didn't really throw up anything interesting to talk about,so much so that I had to sneak a yawn at White Queen during a short break.Anyway,it's during the big group discussions when things got a little more interesting.

During Group B's presentation,some interesting things went on.Scarlet Witch was the one arrowed to present and anyway,according to Banshee,she had failed to contribute anything during the discussion (merely smiling and nodding,according to him) and hence,it was only fair that she was made to do something.Scarlet Witch was,in my eyes,extremely nervy during the presentation and stumbled and stammered her way through the points.This,of course,was much to the sarcastic arse Banshee's amusement and he was,apparently,laughing and chortling and whatever at the girl's predicament (I didn't see) and for some reason,Iceman was also doing likewise.That was when,out of the corner of his eye,Banshee spotted Astra glaring at him poisonously and he immediately stopped.I'd lay the context for this later.

Astra: Staring daggers

During Group C's presentation,when Destiny presented,again some interesting things went on.First off,I felt Destiny presented relatively well and that judgement is not clouded by the fact that she's my sister.Well,anyway,her group brought up some points that Apocalypse felt he needed to clarify.That was when Blob suddenly came in.He suddenly started talking about some point,which was for me,rather bull and when Apocalypse explained his stand,Blob just wouldn't let go of it.So he just went on and on and on and bored the fcuk out of me.And maybe just a number of others as well.

Blob: "My point is RIGHT,why won't you accept my point?!Boohoohoo..."...oh well,the big pussy

Ok,this might seem a little haphazard but I'm going to talk about what happened before Group A's presentation.It isn't actually haphazard because the order of presenting didn't go by alphabetical order but by some weird colour coding scheme thing which made absolutely no sense to me...unless the intention was to create confusion.Anyway,for Group A, 陈慧珊 was the designated presentor but when the group's name was called,everyone in the group stayed rooted to their seats.Nobody got up.And so with the entire room's attention focused on the team,what happened?Astra resorted to another glare at the rather likeable Quicksilver and motioned for him to present instead.Which he did.But what the fcuk...throughout this entire episode,陈慧珊 was sitting black-faced and obviously refused to get off her butt and do her job.What's that attitude all about?

Quicksilver: Looking miserable...you'd too if you kena arrowed for nothing

A final point I had was that when Jean Grey presented her slides during the convention,the mike she was using had so much echo that she sounded like U2 prsenting slides in a stadium or a karaoke lounge,whichever has more echo.Hers was one of the few presentations where I wasn't following the words but the echo of the words.Absolutely mesmerising.

Jean Grey: Went all mental during her presentation

Ok,now let me talk about matters outside of the convention but within the Office.Remember what I wrote about Astra's glare at Banshee?I'm going to set the context now.The lovely Astra was apparently glaring not just at Banshee but at Iceman as well.But why?Well,a couple of weeks ago,there was a sudden resignation in the shape of S.S is part of a power trio consisting of Astra,Scarlet Witch and S.The background behind her resignation was this.

S was apparently one of the worst performers in the branch and her non-performance has been the concern of some of the X-Men.What's really irritating them though wasn't just her non-performance but her tendency to get all defensiveness about her performance as well as a "victim" mentality which she apparently held.It seemed that whenever Psylocke gave her work or anything like that,she'd feel like she was being targeted by Psylocke.Apparently Astra and Scarlet Witch often did the same.

Now,assuming that they've had all of their patience finally exhausted (that's me assuming),they went directly to the demi-god to report about S,instead of getting their head,Mystique to talk to S.

Now,before we get ahead of ourselves,Mystique is no great boss.Apparently,Mystique is one boss who doesn't like to get her hands dirty doing any work.There was once when Mystique had a high level presentation she had to make and she dilly dallyed until one day before the actual event when she dumped it on the departed Cyclops,told him to deliver the goods and went on leave herself.Cyclops then went to his sugar-mummy,the demi-god to complain about the thing (Now let's not kid ourselves,what Mystique did was crap but Cyclops does have an unusually chummy relationship with our demi-god).So the demi-god duly summoned Mystique back from her vacation and told her that was not right.

Mystique: Gosh,if only the real-life Mystique dressed like this...wait a minute...eeeeew,perish that thought

What did Mystique do?She summoned Cyclops,Iceman and Polaris to her side and made the grand speech that she did not want to do dump the presentation on their laps as such high level presentation would unceremoniously end their career quickly if they didn't do it well and so she's doing the gallant thing by taking it back and presenting it herself...BUT they had to prepare the slides for her.And so,she made the trio prepare the slides while she went home.The three stayed till 12 midnight to complete the slides.

So now,you got a picture of what Mystique is like and obviously,she didn't want to talk to S(?).So the demi-god was the one who delivered the message and of course,S promised to buck up.She didn't.

And that got some of the X-Men so fed up that she went multipo-amano (there's no such phrase,I coined it) and S felt si beh buai song so she quit the next day,complaining to the demi-god that it was not right.Now I have no desire who the ringleaders are in this act but Astra and Scarlet Witch,being so close to S,almost certainly must have felt their friend was being victimised and driven out of this place (which is a crap place anyway) and that's how all the glaring came about.

My take on this whole event is the same as Psylocke's.I think S should take some fcuking responsibility for her own action and maybe S,Astra and Scarlet Witch should take the stinking boot that's stuck so far up their arse and stop behaving like they just experienced everything in the Book of Job (that is,if they're really like that,which I hope they're not).Nobody forced S out.I think no matter what people do or tell you,ultimately everything comes down to choices and they are your choices,not anybody else's.Don't blame what you chose on other people.

The thing that bothers me in this whole episode is the way hearsay and gossip is spreading around in this place.It is creating a poisoned atomsphere which I really really do NOT want to be part of.Banshee usually seems to be a central part of this,with his sources,stories and all.He always got this or that to say about people which reveals the ambitious and darker side of others (but what does it say about his own character?Because this is quite some feat of character assassination he is engaging in).

Am I guilty just by virtue of listening to all these without discimination?Do I really need to know who and who is an ambiotious arsehole,who and who is polishing apples?Sure,it is entertaining but what's really the point?Good,clean,harmless fun?When does harmless cross the line to become harmful?Or does it never?I asked myself this for several nights this week.I don't know but I know I don't feel good about it.So I am trying as much as possible not to engage myself in all these talking that's going on,to shut myself out from eveything.It's better that way.Ignorance is bliss.Or maybe as Psylocke said perfectly,it's really just time to move.

Banshee: Would fly to your side just to gossip...oh here he goes again

I really do not want to think of people the way I do and I'm frankly tired of all these gossips.In my four years here,I think this is the worst time ever working here.I can tolerate a bad environment but when even the people here become poisonous caricatures in your mind,how can I even want to be around them anymore,let alone work with them?Holding the opinions I have about them and which I wish I don't.And with the re-org coming up,there's a whole spectrum of factors which is creating an entirely different working dynamic with different people.Nothing will stay the same and that is the worst part because it means you don't know who you're dealing with in the future.

I find it hard to find a conclusion to this post...and it has been a LONG one.I'm just so glad the weekend is coming soon and I have a few days respite from all these rubbish.

Oh Elaine,Where Art Thou?

2005-11-25T18:44:00.000+08:00

I have a premonition that my future better/worse half is going to be someone by the name of Elaine.Not that I am interested in anyone called Elaine right now (although I do have a friend by the name of Elaine but neh,if I was interested,I'd have chased her skirt long time ago) but that everything seems to point towards someone by the name of Elaine taking control of my life and ebbing the life out of me.I say a big "Thank you" in advance,dear.You take my breath away...permanently.

Why do I say that everything points towards an Elaine (Have I accidentally coined a phrase here?Could guys of future refer to their lovers as their Elaines?)?Oh well,there seems to be more and more Elaines coming into my life.There is possibly a new colleague named Elaine coming into my branch,I know Elaine the chemist and erm,there were several other instances of Elaines flying all over the place.Heck,some DBS call-centre girl named Elaine served me sometime last week.ELAINE!!!THE NAME OF MY BANE!!!

And wherever and whoever you are,get your butt back here by my side,Elaine.Don't make me keep on looking for you!Anyway,if anyone of you fellows know an Elaine,tell her that she's supposed to be my wife.That's no escape.It's destiny,baby...DESTINY!!!!HAHAHAHAHA.What a nutter.

Well,besides this Elaine stuff bothering me,it's really getting quite amusing being a single on the wrong side of 20s.First off,your parents will not leave you alone.

Recently,a cousin of mine got married (the one that looks like a Malay girl) and my aunt,together with my mum,found it a perfectly great idea to introduce someone (a relative from God-knows-where) to me at the wedding dinner itself.I,of course,had no idea what the hell was going on but anyway,there I was,busy doing nothing but minding my own bleeding business when my aunt suddenly pulled this girl out of nowhere,right in front of my entire family (mum,pop,bro and sis-in-law in tow) and went,"Hi,let me introduce to you Lily!"

And my aunt then graciously introduced my name wrongly and I stood there like a dumbstruck mutt.I mean...what the heck was I supposed to say?In front of me mum and pop and bro and sis-in-law?!

Do I go "Yo,babe,you ROCK!"?Or do I immediately grab her hand and look into her eyes and say "Let's go somewhere,I'd REALLY wanna KNOW you..." or I manage a sheepish "Erm,hi...nice to meet you"?Guess which path I took?Hey,there's my parents down there,you know.I'm not going to start talking trash (like I usually do) and have them look at me and think "That is NOT my son..."

That's not the end of the story anyway.My aunt and mum had the two of us exchange numbers and well,out of courtesy,I sent her an SMS the next day apologising for the previous night's awkwardness.You know what the girl replied?

Yeah,I understand...by the way,I answer emails more quickly than I reply SMSes so email me instead.

Does she carry a wireless laptop all over Singapore while keeping her handphone at home?So I emailed for a short introduction (a few days later and that was after my mum pestered me about it) and got no reply.

What the hell?!What's this?!Balls lah.I mean I do find this a bit rude and anyway,你是谁啊，小姐?If you are Boob Girl,then I will really be hard-up for you...but what the hell,you are what?!

Boob Girl...with various other boobs

Oh well,anyway,whatever.I still got my Smurfette after all.Ah now,Smurfette,the wife who doesn't even know she's my wife.She's quite a bit of fun for me in the Office.I don't know whether the X-Men in the Office really think I am besotted with her or are playing along with me.I do think she's attractive,probably quite a lovely girl and she's cute (nice Bambi eyes)...but not cute enough for me to go "Awshucks" and go nuts over her.My ex was prettier than her and look how that turned out.You don't need to breakups to figure out that while looks do matter up to a certain degree,ultimately in the greater scheme of things,it really does mean sh*t all.

Old big Bambi eyes

In truth,I believed I just talked a load of crap.Not about the looks part but the Smurfette part.I mean seriously,if she was nice and good and we hit it off really great,do I seriously think I would give up the chance of a home run with a SYT (Sweet Young Thing)?If I did,I'd be a schmuck and be reborn as another hero,Aquaman.

Aquaman...that's what being womanless does to you

But there are serious differences between us,I mean,come on,who in the world idolises 陶鸡鸡 (AKA 陶吉吉).Look,the guy got such a weird name,I can't even find it in the Chinese language module in Windows and have to type 吉 twice just to get his name right.

She's got to improve her taste in music,man.You know,something like switch from some paedophilic middle-aged R&B ABC chrooner (陶鸡鸡) to the world's premier tantric sex guru (Sting).I take my music seriously,you know...

Hmmm...just wanted to talk about something else in the office.

Yesterday,Banshee and his stooge,Deelite came around and started talking about a lot of stuff.Later today,Jean Grey told me about something they said about Iceman and how he is a snitch and all.Coming from someone as amoral as Banshee is,that's a bit rich.And Deelite is hardly fit to talk about other people as well,I don't think he's much of a saint himself.

What a snitch looks like...a lot like Banshee actually

Yes,I NEVER did like either Banshee or Deelite from the very beginning since I came here.To me,they are sneery,self-righteous pricks with a hideously massive overdose of superiority complex.If I meet them on the streets and I didn't know them,I'd have knifed them.Seriously.

Now I'm not going to say anything about Iceman.I believe nobody's an angel.Everybody's got their flaws.Me for instance,I'm a foul-mouthed,un-self-aware and unapologetic prick who's liable to offend a lot of people without consciously knowing it (till it's a little too late at least).I'm glad my friends can live with me because I wouldn't live with myself.

But these two individuals...I wonder do they know how callous and self-righteous they come across?It's like everything they do,say or believe is the right thing.Are they even self-aware?

Ahhh...ok,enough about girls and office matters already.Let's talk some serious bull.

I'm sure you guys all know about this Aussie guy called Van something (Van Nistelrooy?) who got the balls to smuggle 400g of high-grade narcotics into our country but got no balls to face the death penalty gift which we,the citizens of Singapore,give to anyone with the balls to bring in 400g of high-grade narcotics into our good land.

Or maybe he did have the balls.But his good fellow Aussies didn't want him to face the music because of his sob story (smuggled to settle his brother's [name Van Persie?] debt...you know blah blah blah...情非得已...只怕我自己会爱上你...oh,wrong 成语 ah?Sorry lah,you know Singaporeans all banana one) so Aussies think he should be exempted from such a barbaric act like execution.Or is it because he got Aussie passport?Or else how come we execute people for so many years happy happy and they bochap,then suddenly Van Nistelrooy kena and they cry like we executing Pope like that?

Bloody hell,while I not pro-PAP,I am for Singapore.These chao ang mohs ah.You are guest,you come to my home,you obey my house rules,understand?You disrespect my rules and you expect me to forgive you?Give you a pat on the back and say,come back and maybe try again?You think I a-gua,is it?Can bully me then screw me up the backside for good measure?Go screw yourself,understand,you #$%^*.

Suddenly got a lot of irate ang mohs (of course,also got reasonable ang mohs who understand and respect our house rules lah) write in to ST Forum and start lambasting our government.One Mr Peter Lowe tells us to better be careful,that we are offending every single Australian and might kena economic sanctions.Mr Lowe,don't talk cock lah,you.You are every single Australian ah?Or you mean you fathered every single Aussie around?And economic sanctions?Fcuk,you mean no air-pork?!Die lah like that.

And don't talk to me about his sob story or the crime not befitting the punishment,ok?Your brother got debt then you can anyhow 乱来 is it?So got debt can justify take money to become a hitman and take someone out lah?Or to rob elderly lah?But killing someone different mah and rob 老人 don't kena death penalty anyway.It's not as if drugs kill directly,right?Duh?Must wait for someone to OD then can ah?Ignore social costs at meantime lah.These Aussies really chill too much already siah.

To add insult to injury,Mr Chee Soon Juan go and ask other foreign countries to also lobby against us.Capital punishment barbaric.Some smart-aleck reader write to Today Forum say Mr Chee (I suddenly wish his mum named him Chee B**) only trying to improve the drug laws here.

Far as I see it,I think the laws are fine.Keeps this place relatively drugs-clean.If we let every Tom,Dick and Harry get away with everything,there'd be a free-for-all here man.The drug transit capital of the world anyone?So what's there to improve?I only think Mr Chee 吃里爬外,trying to get some international political mileage out of this rubbish.Opportunist.Didn't ever remember you publicly rising this issue previously.

Ok ok ok,I think I scold enough for one night liao.Have so much venom in my veins...no wonder I born in year of snake.I think I need to go back to Smurffy's embrace.

All I Want For Christmas

2005-11-16T14:45:00.000+08:00

Ho ho ho...Happy Christmas and Merry New Year to all of you!

Ok,I might be one and a half months early but hey,best wishes are never too early right?And I'm sure my loyal readers (yes,that might be an entire population of ONE but it's a distinguised one...stand up,K*@+ Y**.And stop emailing me to pester me to update my blog,I've had it with you,old fart) are all anxiously waiting for my next amazing entry,right?

Sorry,nothing amazing is forthcoming from me.I am just seized by the entire year-end holiday mood thing that's pervading all over the Office.And of course,Yule-tide is almost upon us.

So for this festive season,I think I'd just be a little childish and ask for some Christmas presents from good old Santa Claus.Have any of you seen the actual Santa?I bet none of you have!Beneath all that beard,make-up and suit lies a REAL person and for the very first time in blogging history,I will reveal his true identity...this is a picture taken of him sans all the elaborate get-up.

Santa says "HIYA!"...

Wow,I hear the exclamation and audible gasps from all.Who else were you expecting?PAPa Santa is gonna distribute goodies to us all again come the end of the year because hey,it's Yule-tide and Vote-time!!!Get your pens ready and fill in the little crosses appropriately and get ready for some GREAT presents!!!

Dearest Santa,let me just give you a fair deal,ok?You help fulfill my wishlist and I'd give you my little cross and hey,you get your job back.If not,well...I can't do anything because don't think I'd get to vote anyway since it'd probably be a walkover (YAWN...Zzzzzzz).

But that's not the point...the point is in my wishlist.Since you can open MRT stations for fun and call all government slaves to take low bonuses (behdeh one lah).I'm sure you can grant my tiny little wishes with ease.And they are:

1) Give everyone 1000 SRS lah.Don't stingy leh.Santa so rich and PAPa got deep pockets.And it's good for you,can just buy your job back mah.

2) Scrap the bloody S League lah,waste taxpayers money...might as well redistribute the wealth.After 10 years and you got what...an average attendance of 3,000?How some bloke came up with a market value of $200 million (or is it $20 million) is beyond me.You mean kelong market so big ah?)

Don't know what they doing...looks like football...

3) Jail all intolerant people.Recently we got all sorts of people writing to ST Forum complaining about all kinds of shit.For example:

MacDonald's CHICKEN RICE BURGER (wah seh...new burger siah) got Chinese wording:Racist (Wah lau eh,so your Made-in-Malaysia 枇杷膏 confirm racist one...all Chinese wording.I think we used to call stuff like these "packaging"?Aiyo,I better be careful here lah.Got phantom online vigilante complain to police but don't dare to show face one.Sekali get jailed how?Stand up for what you believe in?HAHAHA!)

The Big M sells this in burger form...

People who wear t-shirts with printed words calling other people "idiots" or showing pictures of middle fingers:Dickheads (Oh well,they could well be...but still better than dickheads with ZERO sense of humour.Anything also offensive,I think put Paris Hilton's eye-brow on t-shirt,they'd also complain lewd...I suggest go live in North Korea lah.Only see Kim Jong-Il.Nothing to complain about,the guy so handsome after all)

Wear this in Singapore and someone will find something to complain about...

Handsome N.Korean bloke on the right...fcuk off BYJ...

Bollywood film-makers in city,block off road for filming: Chao fcuking foreigners inconveniencing locals (True but aiyo,like that,how to become Asia Hollywood?How to develope film industry?Last time,Tom Cruise shoot Vanilla Sky,NY close down entire Times Square for him.Here?Close down Geylang Lane 2 already complain like crazy...fcuk lah.Asia Hollywood?Stick to cartoons (AKA "animation") better.)

Bollywood?Go shake your shapely arses in Mumbai,not Lau Pa Sat...

4) Give opposition another small ward lah.Just give chance a bit,make people a bit happier and also create false excitement.Pretend to lose Pulau Ubin or Pulau Tekong GRC lah.Good for me and good for you mah.I feel hopeful that Singapore politics really still got hope and well,you get to create false hope.

5) Last wish:I very not greedy one,only made 5 wishes.Kidnap Chiling,bring her here and give her PR status and force her under gunpoint to marry me.But then again if you accede to my request,we'd have all sorts of people asking you to kidnap Halle Berry,Bae Yong Jun,Keira Knightley,Ayumi Hamasaki and Prince Charles here and force them to marry assorted kinds.Not a good precedent.We are living in Singapore after all,not North Korea.WE AIN'T A DICTATORSHIP!!!

*Sob* I guess I just have to make do with Chiling's pics.

Alert: Next target for abduction by me...

Last Day For Moping

2005-10-31T14:15:00.000+08:00

"...Life is unfair,kill yourself or get over it..."

- Words from Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder

I can't quite remember how long I have been mourning (and moaning) now but it must have been a month or so now.Time really flies and sometimes,things don't really heal the way I expect them to.But enough is just about enough.Towards the end of last week,I told myself that I will have to stop wallowing in bitterness and anger and pick myself up again before the negativity sucks me into a place where I can never recover.

I set myself a deadline.That by that time,no matter what happens...even if my heart is still in smithereens,I will not look back and think about someone again.And I will not think about a relationship that is past its shelf-life.That date is 1 November 2005.

That is tomorrow.

Technically,today is my last day for moping.For tomorrow,whatever feelings of anger and disappointment I may retain about this failure will have to dissolve themselves.Fact is it's easier said than done.But oftentimes,the hard(er) thing to do is also the right thing to do.So bite the bullet,bugger.Accept the reality.Admit to the (silly?) mistakes and live with them.Because whatever we choose to do,we also must have the heart to live with the consequences as well.The successes and the failures,particularly the latter because they are harder to swallow.

Am I better?Sometimes I am,mostly not.But one month is a long time to be down.That's 1/12 of a year.And it's 1/12 of a year too long.

"I'm not proud of what I've done

Broke the rules up just for fun

It's gotta be easier than what it was before

I could walk a million miles

With nobody by my side

It's gotta be easier than it ever was before

So I'm walking out the door forever

So just wait till I'm far and out of sight

You have your life I'll have mine

It's gotta be easier than what it was before

I've got nowhere left to hide

Feel this emptiness inside

It's gotta be easier than it ever was before

So I'm walking out the door forever

Couldn't ever bring myself to deceive

But it's all the same to me

It was never meant to be

And I guess it'll be the same for everyone

So just wait till I'm far and out of sight

You have your life I'll have mine

It's gotta be easier than what it was before

Now there's nowhere left to hide

Feel this emptiness inside

It's gotta be easier than it ever was before

So I'm walking out the door forever"

- Words from Happy Jack by Monaco

PS: A word of thanks to all the people who have shown an understanding and tolerance towards me while I was at my deplorable worst.I,of course,can't guarantee it'd never happen again but I'd try my best.

Se7en

2005-10-12T09:27:00.000+08:00

7 Things I Plan to Do Before I Die
Live and work overseas for an extended period of time
Love,be good to and cherish someone special
Travel around the world
Design my dream home
Learn to play various musical instruments
Learn to compose
Find and Love God (Again)

7 Things I Can Do
Whip up a meal
Provide a listening ear and empathise
Being a good friend and good company
Play footie (only on grass,thank you!)
Enjoy shopping
Immerse myself in movies and music all day
Do housechores (only if I have to...)

7 (or rather 1) Thing(s) I Cannot Do
Say "I'd never do this nor that"...

7 Things That Attract Me to The Opposite/Same Sex
Kindness
Humour
Gentleness in spirit
Honesty/Genuineness
Similar in interests
Filial Piety
Independence

7 (or rather 4) Things That I Say Most Often
"Bloody hell..." (In jest)
"BYYYYYYYYE" (When teasing)
"... ... ..." (When pissed/unhappy)
"Huh?!" (When I think the other party makes no sense)

7 Celebrity Crushes
Monica Bellucci
Mika Nakashima
Maria Sharapova
Keira Knightley
Lin Zhiling
Jennifer Connelly
Eric Bana

PAPa Don't Preach

2005-10-07T10:18:00.000+08:00

Here we go again...big boss justifying PAP's near-monopoly in the Nation-Builder Times.Listen to the propanganda and admire...my comments in red (surely my last before I am hauled up for sedition)

S'pore will set its own political model: PM
Transparency and openness (Well, in that case,maybe we could start having a look at Temasek Holdings' accounting books then?) will be hallmarks, even if Western model is out

EVEN as Singapore changes to become a global city in 20 years, one thing is for sure: The Western liberal model will not be the system of government here (This,surely,is the green light for all opposition parties to disband since hey,they'd never be part of the government anyway.Notice the green light concept...we never know when or what to do till PAPa says "yes" and so opposition,please take the cue).

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong was unequivocal yesterday in explaining why Singapore was not headed down that road.

The reason?Singapore has a system that works, with parliamentary democracy (You mean PAPa members dare to say stuff that goes against party lines?), free elections (After the Presidential "Elections",you tell me it's "free elections"?And if I remember clearly,for the last GE,there were so many walkovers,the GE was over before it even began.If you really want free elections,fight mano-a-mano,don't hide behind all those GRCs lah) and an electorate with an overwhelming confidence in the ruling People's Action Party (PAP) (Is it confidence or is it a lack of alternatives?).

'And for good reason - because it is a party which has delivered (good word,delivered...delivered occupants away from their homes to build the Circle Line), a party which has a strong team and is one which they have confidence in for the future.'

Mr Lee was responding to a question by Reuters journalist Geert De Clercq during a Foreign Correspondents Association luncheon at the Raffles Hotel.

Mr De Clercq had asked if Singapore's bid for a more vibrant city a la London and New York would see a concurrent move to a Western-style of governance.

PM Lee's answer was a 'no'. 'I do not even see a Western model which you described in an idealised form as being the target which we want to aim for,' he said (Boy oh boy,never were truer words spoken...especially if it could cost you your job).

In sketching the journey ahead for Singapore, PM Lee foresees a system shaped by Singaporeans and their values (And unfortunately we cater to the lowest denominator,don't we?Case in point...the Buangkok elephants case...put up a few elephants and police clamp down.What's the concern?Well,it's not for causing public nuisance...it's for putting up posters and displays without a permit for "Public Entertianment".Hahahah.And apparently,the police only investigated because someone complained?I wonder who and complain for what?Especially since it's not causing a public nuisance...so I suppose that person complain because the elephants were not well-drawn?). Not any magic formula or Constitution.

He also expects a system marked by openness and transparency as the people seek solutions to national problems (My same point about Temasek...but it's not a problem,you say.How you know?You know what they invest in,the cashflow,the gains and losses ah?).

'If there's something which we are not happy about or is not right, we will speak up and we will discuss. Nothing is verboten, nothing cannot be discussed (What about "political films" or rather any films about opposition leaders?) and everything can be examined (But really,it's much easier to just break into people's properties [even if deserted] to do fogging as we see fit,ain't it?Why talk when you can just whack?),' he said, using the German word for 'forbidden'.

Mr Lee spoke on a wide range of issues during the 45-minute question-and-answer session, including economic, population and terrorism issues.

Earlier, in his speech, he identified several key obstacles confronting Singapore.

They include terrorism from Islamic extremists, the ageing population, nurturing the next generation of Singaporeans to produce a diversity of talents, and developing a broad leadership in all spheres of life.

Singapore, he said, is an improbable nation and therefore cannot be compared to such places as South Korea and Taiwan, which swung from martial law to liberal political systems.

It has 'some basic imperatives which will remain constant'. For example, Singaporeans will always have to earn their own living (Duh?You mean we even got a chance of becoming a welfare state?Hell,we work so hard and can't even touch our own CPF money), racial and religious harmony must always be maintained, and the country must always outperform bigger and better-endowed rivals (Hear that,Malaysia?Malaysia boleh?Losers...).

Mr Lee also cited the Japanese system, noting how it had not evolved into a Western liberal model (Don't know about that,all I know is that Jap girls are nice,white and fluffy). Even then, it was not without its flaws of corruption (Aiya,corruption,no corruption...if you are not caught or cannot be caught,who knows if you are corrupt?)and pork-barrel politics with the government spending in exchange for political support.

Like Singapore, it has a dominant political party that has brought stability and long-term growth to the country.

'So how do we maintain our system and not end up like them? There's no magic formula,' he said. 'I think it depends on the team, the ethos of the whole leadership group.'

He acknowledged that continued strong support for the PAP hinges on its performance (Are you sure?I thought you guys can perform poorly and still get walkovers anyway), renewal and ability to continue to deliver results and show 'unambiguously that this is the best team, Team Singapore (or is it Team PAPa?), work for it, it will work for you.'

In the immediate future, he is more than confident it has the backing of Singaporeans. That will be clear enough in the next General Election, which must be called by June 2007, he said, in reply to another question.

'I have no doubt that when we go, we'll have strong support, including a strong mandate (I have nothing to say...).'

Ok...after all that talk by our esteemed leader,I can only conclude with one picture.