Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Late Night Political Jokes

We used to have David Letterman on our telly.And then for some inconceiveable reason,they took the show off and replaced it with...well,just about anything from CSI:Miami to B-Grade movies.While I was in the States during March this year,I always made it a point not to miss the late-night shows where possible.And I think I miss them.Anyway,here's a collection of recent jokes from the lat-night show comedians.If you like political humour,enjoy:

"Attendance at this year's Olympics is so bad that al Qaeda operatives were caught scalping tickets half-price so they'd have enough fans to attack." --Craig Kilborn

"The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for seven minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'" --Bill Maher

"For the first time, John Kerry has criticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment, he would have told them he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something — if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. 'Kids, I gotta go now. Kids?! Kids?!'" --Jay Leno

"In a stunning announcement, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey announced that he had an extramarital affair with another man. Finally, a Democrat who can honestly say, 'I did not have sex with that woman!" --Jay Leno

"Here's the amazing part -- he's been married twice before and now he's gay. And you thought John Kerry couldn't make up his mind." --Jay Leno, on James McGreevey.

"President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish. What a country we live in!" --Jay Leno

"First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are 'right around the corner' because it gives people false hope. Then later her husband said that the economic recovery is 'right around the corner.'" --Jay Leno

"While meeting with minority journalists Kerry was asked last week if he would have gone to war if Saddam Hussein would have refused to disarm. He said 'You bet we might have.' Can you imagine when he and Bush debate? One guy can't speak his mind and the other can't make up this mind." --Jay Leno

"The federal government reported that despite much higher expectations U.S. employers only added 32,000 jobs to the payroll this month. Even worse folks, the jobs were all in India." —Conan O'Brien

"This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whooping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it. ... Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us — it's the circle of life." —Jon Stewart

"Bush said he is working hard to cut off al Qaeda's finances and believe me, he is the man to do it. He drove three companies into bankruptcy — what's one more?" —Jay Leno

"Kerry explained he was in a rock band because he did it to meet girls. And today President Clinton called and said, 'If you think that's a great way to meet girls, wait'll you become president.'" —Jay Leno

"The Democrats are very proud of John Kerry's service record. And they choose those words carefully. They always say 'decorated war hero.' And let me tell you why they do that. They always say 'hero' because that appeals to women. Women like that — hero. 'War' — that appeals to men. They relate to that — war. And 'decorated,' that gets in the gay vote." —Jay Leno

"Vice presidential nominee John Edwards really got the crowd going by saying 'Hope is on the way.' That's his new theme, 'Hope is on the way.' But see that means different things to different people. For example, when you tell President Bush hope is on the way, well that means Dick Cheney is coming. When you tell Dick Cheney hope is on the way, well that means the ambulance is coming." —Jay Leno (Background:Cheney has suffered a few mild heart attacks before)

"The Democrats kept mentioning that John Kerry is a decorated war hero, but did you know that Dick Cheney has a purple heart. Did you know that? It's from eating steaks, not from the military, but hey!" —Jay Leno

"The Republicans keep telling us the Democrats are trying to divide the country. Then the Democrats keep telling us the Republicans are trying to divide the country. And the result, the country is divided. Nice work, fellas! Hell of a job!" —Jay Leno

"Teresa Heinz (john Kerry's wife) told a reporter to go 'shove it' the other day. When Hillary heard about it she said 'You go girl.' John Kerry said 'she acted appropriately.' Bill Clinton said 'he likes it when girls talk dirty.'" —Jay Leno

"The Bush twins are going online to do an online chat on the Bush re-election website. It's the first chat line in history where two people claiming to be attractive 22-year-old twins are actually attractive 22-year-old twins." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton's former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger is under investigation for sneaking highly classified documents out of the National Archives by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about the Clinton people that always are investigated for something down their pants?" —Jay Leno

"In a speech the other day to the Amish, President Bush said that God speaks through him. That's what he said. I don't know, do you think God would mispronounce that many words?" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards said that Dick Cheney is out of touch with the lives of most Americans. Cheney immediately denied the charge, from his underground bunker in an undisclosed location." —Jay Leno (This alludes to the fact that the US has a shadow cabinet working in an underground bunker in a undisclosed location)

"Dick Cheney says that terrorists attacks are caused by the perception of weakness and then he ran back to his under ground bunker in an undisclosed location." —David Letterman

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno (Kerry's current wife(his second marriage) is Theresa Heinz,a multi-millionaire)

"Here's the latest forecast for Iraq: Sunni today but tomorrow it will turn to Shi'ite." —Jay Leno

"As soon as Condoleezza Rice finished her testimony yesterday, Bill Clinton testified in private, but he did not testify under oath. Well, of course, being a holy week he felt it was too big of a risk putting his hand on the Bible." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore also appeared before the commission. He appeared for three hours. The members of the committee were praised and commended, not for their questioning, but for being able to listen to Gore for three hours." —Jay Leno

"Our (California) governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, saved a guy's life who was drowning in Hawaii. And just to be safe, he performed mouth to mouth on the guy's wife." —Craig Kilborn

"All these books are coming out about President Bush. Richard Clarke's book, John Dean's book, Paul O'Neill's book, now Bob Woodward's book is coming out. It's amazing. Who would have thought that George Bush would be responsible for Americans reading more than any other president before?" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno