Monday, April 18, 2005
Kung Fu Fighting

Last Saturday,my 青梅竹马 (oh,shit,am I starting to have gay tendencies?And if I am,there's no outlet since they cancelled the annual nation party at Sentosa this year.Where can I grab a male butt???) good friend (I refuse to call anyone my best friend since that connotes I prefer certain friends over others.Not true.All friends are equal to me),Bishop (I wrote about him a few posts back.The uptight hunk...gee,am I using a lot of brackets or what?!),finally brought his girlfriend to meet Beast and me for the first time.As all of you (or is that none of you?)know,Bishop and Beast and me have known each other for 22 years.That's more than a lifetime for some of you readers.很深的交情哦.

Anyway,his girlfriend (his first EVER!),Elise,is quite an attractive girl with a very attractive persona.I can see why he was attracted to her.In fact,I can see a lot of guys being attracted to her.But I have to confess that prior to meeting her,I was expecting to meet a WWE wrestler but that's not my fault.

Before meeting Elise,Bishop has always described Elise as a big,broad-shouldered,well built girl.Now...if someone told you that about a girl,what picture would form in your mind?Think of a name...let's reveal it together on the count of three...

ONE

TWO

THREE

Joscelin Yeo!

Right?Or someone like that lah huh?Guess what I saw instead when I first met her.Guess???On the count of three...

ONE

TWO

THREE

林志玲!

Hah!No lah,no way she can look like that but imagine the two side by side and you can tell the difference,right?I was like..."OMG,she's nothing like what he said she's like!"

Anyway,Bishop and Elise's romance is barely a few months old and considering this is Bishop's first ever relationship,I think he is handling it relatively well,although hahah,he still can't seem to handle the dynamics of a relationship...the way couples will think about each other,make choices with the other person in mind and interact.Good luck to him,there's a lot to get used to.But the good thing is that I do think they are compatible and they certainly look good together.

I will be going away for a holiday this coming weekend (starting Friday) with Beast and the couple.It'd be their first getaway together (with two male chaperones,may I add!),it'd be interesting to see how they behave.Bishop does treat me like some kind of a confidante and counsellor and tells me stuff he doesn't tell most people,he even seems to seek my opinion/affirmation about himself and Elise (seems like my opinion matters a lot to him,I think it's probably because I tend to be quite objective and I'm also a good friend...hahahah) so I think I'd certainly like to get to know Elise better to give a more informed opinion.

Back to kung fu fighting,what do I mean to write this time?Nothing much really,it's just the increasingly cheesy special effects in 武侠 martial arts TV serials that is amusing me.

On Saturday, the four of us were in Bishop's house (Elise,Bishop,Beast and the best-looking man in the room,the Magnificent Cyclops) to watch the Pool vs Spurs (EDMAN!!!) match.While waiting for the match to start,Elise was channel-surfing through the channels when she stopped at Channel U's 天龙八步,starring the 50-year-old veteran 林志颖 (JImmy Lin).

At that particular scene,Mr Jimmy apparently was suffering from the effects of some kind of aphrodisiac and was wearing an off-shoulder gown,looking particualrly constipated while a lovely Chinese lass (I don't know the actress's name),also wearing an off-shoulder gown,was all over him,kissing him on his neck and shoulders.The funny thing was,despite having had some aphrodisiac and a woman in heat,Jimmy looks like he'd rather be elsewhere.Why is that so?

I tell you why...from his clothing (the off-shoulder gown...ok,garment) and his reaction,he has confirmed what I always suspected.Ladies and gentlemen,Jimmy Lin is GAY. Make no mistake about it...he was suffering from an aphrodisiac and he still can't bring himself to have sex with a girl.I say give him Tay Ping Hui in that scene and watch him rip the clothes off the back of Tay.Watch Tay scream in agony as Jimmy...erm...this is M18 stuff here...please let me check your IC.

Ok ok,that has nothing to do with kung fu but it's an interesting sidetrack,won't you say?Anyway,the real interesting stuff happens after that.I saw two lao ah peh,erm,I mean master pugilists play 围棋 in mid-air using 气功 and then of course,there is now the de rigueur Matrix sequence where a pugilist is fighting in mid-air and then suddenly everything stops and the camera pans 360 degrees around him.I always wonder for what?So that we can see the guy's head and butt?To showcase the elaborately designed costume?And to be quite honest,I am still quite mystified as to why (and perhaps how) the two lao ah pehs manage to play a game of chess with the board and chess pieces hanging in mid-air (I tell you,the board wasn't even real,those ah pehs' 气功 somehow created lines in mid-air which automatically took on the shape of a chessboard).Because those two ah pehs looked seriously strained pointing their fingers at the chessboard and chess-pieces to keep them afloat.Why couldn't they just use a conventional chess-board?Are they trying to hao-lian or something?But how-lian for whom to see?There was only one disciple around (and he looked more worried than amazed...why?I have no idea.If it was me,I'd be amazed.Somemore,if they were Catholics,I think they might be considered for sainthood by virtue of the miracle they were performing.Hey,even Jesus doesn't play chess in mid-air.) so not as if 林志玲 was standing around there watching them play chess what.Also even if the Taiwanese lass was there,one of those ah pehs was a monk and he cannot 泡马子.Though I'm sure he'd regret being a monk if 志玲 was there...especially when she starts using her 爹 verbal viagra voice.

And besides these,there is also the way these pugilists seem to shoot out energy (which is visible in the form of erm,moving air?How else do you explain the translucent special effects patterns that appear?) from their palms like they are farting.I never get the thrill of this kind of fighting.How can fighting not involve body contact?This kind of duel is like 拳拳不到肉.It's so fake,how can anyone actually take it seriously?Somemore,sometimes when they throw these air punches,you see translucent dragons,phoenixes,tigers,lions,tortoises flying out.Wah liao eh,what kind of kung fu is this???

Another thing is this:If it is so easy to throw air punches,why can't the 朝庭 train their 官兵 to do exactly the same thing?I mean those useless bums usually can fight 20 to 1 against a pugilist and still not last 3 seconds each.The pugilist just need to throw 20 air punches and you see these extras...erm,I mean soldiers fly through the air like nobody's business.How come?What kind of martial arts do they teach these soldiers?Judo ah?That explains why they are so uncomfortable fighting with spears.

I say,teach them soldiers some air-punching and watch those pugilists fly for a change.It's no fun watching all these cliches where 100 soldiers can't defeat 1 man and his dog.If soldiers were really that useless,how did 秦王统一中原?Unless he used an army of air-punchers...

Can I appeal for 古装 TV serial directors to inject a little more realism into their shows?Or is that a general trend now that kung fu has to resemble cartoons where special effects reign over realism?Perhaps it's the demand of audiences to see something a little different.Unfortunately,in a bid to be different,everyone started using specail effects and things now end up looking the same again.How ironic.为了找寻突破却于突破中遇到了瓶颈.What to do?Maybe going back to the basics of real physical fights is the key.But I guess today's actors are too much of a softy to engage in tough physical training eh?

Sunday, April 17, 2005
海上花/I'm Your Man

是这般柔情的你
给我一个梦想
徜徉在起伏的波浪中隐隐地荡漾
在你的臂弯

是这般深情的你
摇晃我的梦想
缠绵像海里每一个无垠的浪花
在你的身上

睡梦成真
转身浪影汹涌没红尘
残留水纹空留遗恨
愿只愿他生
昨日的身影能相随
永生永世不离分

是这般奇情的你
粉碎我的梦想
仿佛像水面泡沫的短暂光亮
是我的一生

睡梦成真
转身浪影汹涌没红尘
残留水纹空留遗恨
愿只愿他生
昨日的身影能相随
永生永世不离分

是这般奇情的你
粉碎我的梦想
仿佛像水面泡沫的短暂光亮
是我的一生

From 罗大佑's "海上花"


If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
I'm your man

Ah, the moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep

Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please, please
I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
I'm your man

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you

From Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man"

Friday, April 15, 2005
Does Brayden Wear Armani Diapers?

Despite my horrible mood,I think life has to go on.And what better way to go on with life then to shoot people down just for fun and laughter,peace and joy.Not that I am a mean person who likes to 建立自己的快乐在别人的痛苦上...or maybe I am?Gosh,I don't know know anymore.I have become so numb with things and people.

Anyway,yesterday I just talked about President Nathan and his impending retirement.So that fellow managed to hog one webpage with his annoucement alone.Today,lo and behold,faster than you can say "media whor" (my English is A2 so don't doubt my spelling,I just don't want to be bankrupt),he's on the frontpage of ST Interactive,blowing his own trumpet...oh,sorry,that's a blowpipe.

Well,thanks,Prez,you wouldn't even give us a chance to miss you,would you?You heard my call,didn't you?So you decided not to retire because you decided we can't do without you.Come one,Prez,nobody even takes my blog seriously...you can't be the first one to do so?!And worst of all,I don't even feel honoured that you take my blog seriously.

Back to Brayden and his branded diapers(no doubt sponsored by Bee Chin Hiang ba kua),I was handed a request to write about celebrity and their overdressed toddlers.I read through the offending article and hmmm,found that Huang Biren is a really shallow queen.Here's what the article was about,check this out.

Blah blah blah blah blah,I trust you to read the article for yourself...now after reading the article,what do you think?I have three thoughts:

1) What kind of a F#$% name is "Ix"?I think Ix Shen has a serious charge to answer for:His stupid desire to stand out has sprouted an entire generation of idiots who think Roman numerics make good names for their kids. After Ix, will we get Iii,Iv,Xvi or Xxxxviii?I have one advice for parents:Name your kid "Xviii" and send the kid to the same school as Ix.Whenever they meet up,instruct your kid to say this "I am twice the man you are,you wimp.".Inculcate into your kid the mentality that he is twice as good as Ix.Even his name says so.

2) Actually May Phua, Lin Meijiao and Hong Huifang are quite sensible parents,especially May.However,her assertion that babies wearing hand-me-downs are easier to handle proves one thing I said just now.She's an idiot.

Lin Meijiao says that she balances the affordable brands with the costly ones.I don't how affordable Giordano Kids or laura Ashley are but her logic is a little weird.She says she doesn't buy anything less than $100 but doesn't buy anything more than $200.What's her point?$100 a piece is affordable?疯婆子.An adult t-shirt at Giordano costs about $20 or less and you tell me $100 a piece of kidswear is affordable.No wonder 黄奕良 divorced her.

I have nothing to say about Hong Huifang since she gave me no ammunition to shoot.

3) Huang Biren is one seriously pretentious idiot.Which makes her slightly worse than May Phua.Look at what she had to say about and does to her kid.

Point A: Her son,Justin's wardrobe is bursting with designer wear.She shops regularly at Kids 21 or Takashimaya for his clothes.She favours brands like Burberry,DKNY Kids and Ralph Lauren Children.T-shirt costs over $100,pants over $200.

OH MY GOD!!!Does Justin ask for this (in which he should be sent to SPCA to be put down humanely) or does Biren thinks dressing Justin up in branded wear makes HER look good?What does a kid know about branded wear if not inculcated by his/her parents?How is wearing branded stuff supposed to help a kid/make him better?Do we want our kids to grow up as good people with good values or do we just want them to grow up as good-looking people with good clothes?Ok,I am sure Biren disciplines Justin well,whipping him with the elatsic in his Ralph Laurne underwear when he's naughty.

Point B: She says that designer clothes last longer.That the elastic band on his Burberry pants can be adjusted so he can still wear them when he grows.These burberry pants can apparently last him three years.

Biren,please bring your kid to see a doctor.I fear he is a certified midget who can easily star as a Hobbit without any special effects.Because obviously he is not growing.How can someone not grow taller for three years?!What do you mean by designer clothes last longer?If your kids grow,does his designer clothes grow with him?What are they?Organic clothes?

Secondly,the point about the elastic band is silly.Besides growing in build,he must also be growing in HEIGHT right?So besides adjusting the tautness around the hips,the band can also adjust the length of the pants ah?Also the pants won't get tighter around the thighs,calves and so on one ah?Don't tell me the elastic takes care of them all?Wah liao eh,where can buy I also want leh,pants with adjustable length.Like that where got just three years,can wear for life what!

Point 3: She won't pay more than $500 for anything.

That's like saying I wouldn't buy any TV set over $1 million.Is she aware that $500 is a very high amount for kidswear?Oh,she is an idiot after all.

My point is this:If Zoe is to wrap Brayden with Armani diapers,would Brayden be any better off?He'd still shit in that $100 diaper like he would in a Pampers disposable.He wouldn't know it's an Armani and wouldn't appreciate the embroidered GA logo at the front of his nappies.Maybe the smoothness of the fabric would be kinder to his arse but I doubt it.

The real irony is this,look at the labels on all these designer clothes that you buy for your kids.And tell me how many pieces have the words "Made in China","Made in Vietnam" or "Made in Pakistan" on them?And you tell me you are buying different quality when the same clothes are coming from the same Chinese factory that also manufactures Panda brand baby clothes?And that the factory can't use the same design and materials for their own line of clothes but sell it for less because they sell them as Panda products?What's the difference between Armani and Panda,besides the logo,a few hundred bucks and an inflated/misguided ego?

Silly buggers and their pursuit for material goods.I only pray that they go bankrupt.Then the Justins of this world will know that Armani isn't the only brand in the world...and Panda can also do.It's only clothes,my friends.You wear it then toss it.Why pay more?

Relentless

I just need to get some things out of my system today before I can start anything.I have been in very poor mood for the past two weeks or so,with many things occupying my mind involving people I care about.I will not deal with specifics here because I will and cannot do so.

I have made decisions this year that has based around the mindset that I wanted to do something different this year,to do things that might make an impact on my life (I wouldn't otherwise go to a speed-date).I don't regret these decisions.If I were to go back to those points in time when I made those decisions,I have no doubt I will do exactly the same thing.It's just that the impact or after-effects of those actions have been relentless.

It's not that these impacts or after-effects are bad.No,because at this point in time,I cannot tell.I set out doing these things with the intention that it'd have a good ending.It's just that I never anticipated the costs (not just financial but also mental) would be so much,that it is much much bigger than I thought they'd be.

These costs have escalated,somewhat beyond the threshold that I can take.I do not blame anyone because if there is anyone that I should ever blame,it should only be myself.Everything is a choice.I made choices that maybe better judgement would have stopped me doing so,swept up by the moment.Those are holes that I've dug for myself then and I blame no one.

But there have also been instances when I felt slightly betrayed.That I have not been protected by people I care about because their self-interest blinded them at that point in time.Can I blame them?I don't know.Maybe I should blame myself for not been sharper in mind and thought to back-off or shield myself where necessary.

Whatever it is,what's done is done.I just needed to say all these things on my mind,even though talking about it doesn't help at all.The end-results of these actions are still nowhere in sight.So whether my intended good endings will come to fruition is still a major moot point.I don't know how things will end up.Maybe I don't care anymore if they end up good or bad.I just want them to end.

This year will likely be a landmark year for me.Either it will be a very good year or it will be a very painful year for me.I have almost no doubt that there can be no inbetween within these two extremes.I hope it will be good.I can live with it if it is bad.But let me have an answer and please do NOT escalate the costs inflicted on me anymore.

I have not ate well nor slept well.I have become very bad-tempered/frustrated and don't want to talk too much because I really do not wish to talk.I have been trying to solve each problem (as they come) to the best of my abilities.But they just keep coming and coming.I solve one thing,another comes.I solve the next thing,another new one crops up.

When will this end?

God,why do you do this to me?

There is only so much I can take.And I think I am coming towards the end of my limits.God,save me because no one else can.Please.

Thursday, April 14, 2005
Prince Of Bhutan

Today,Jean Grey just got back into office and immediately notified of a request from her cousin for me to write about celebrities and the excessive spending they make on their kids in terms of clothing.I'd be writing about that in a post later in the afternoon when my research is done (Two blogs in one day!Quick,readers,pray your lucky stars but your truly is in such a generous mood...and boy oh boy,doesn't it make you glad that your tax money is going towards the writing of this blog?).Meanwhile I'd write about a couple of other things.

First off,let me get big-headed.Now that I am entertaining requests.Heaven only knows where I can go.I am sure even Xiaxue doesn't get requests to write on specific subjects...mainly because she only knows how to write about sex.Me.I am different.As Jose Mourinho says,"I am a Special One."I understand,Jose.无敌是寂寞的.Hahaha.Don't be sad,Jose,you have me for company in our club of two.I shall call our mini-club 疯子二人组.

Oh,now that I am entertaining requests,I kindly invite other readers to request topics,loyal readers such as George W.Bush Jnr.George,now that your popularity has slipped to an all-time low of 45%,you might consider engaging my services to write a blog aboput fictitious WMDs in Surinam...which you can then invade with a minimal force of 100 marines.Why Surinam?Simple.

1) Who the hell knows where is Surinam besides Ruud Gullit and Frank Rijkaard (they were born in Surinam)?Invading it will cause no international uproar.And painting it as an "Axis Of EEEEVIL" member will be damn easy.

2)The Surinam national army probably consists of a few men in loinclothes holding spears and rocks.That's why only need a force of 100 marines with super-soakers to invade.

Secondly,congrats on Liverpool reaching the Champ's League semis.Could they get past Cheski and get to the final?I have my doubts.Against European opposition,the slower continental game suits the Reds since they have more time on the ball and can pass it around without being hassled.In fact,if they upped their tempo a bit,European sides are usually caught out.Chelski is a typical English side:Quick,strong and robust.Liverpool wouldn't like it.Good luck.

Thirdly,I am depressed.Depressed because President Nathan yesterday announced his impending retirement.How can such a great statesman go???How can???What will we do without his goreng pisang handwave,his pug-looks and his limelight-hogging existence???How can we live without his daily presence in the daily papers...as he officiates the opening of the National Toilet Bowl Week,as he goes to the Singapore Idol finals to ogle at Maia Lee,as he falls asleep on the terraces while Singapore loses 0-7 to Oman???How could we???S'poreans,I declare this week a week of national mourning...as another sign of our national institution falls by the wayside...the great Yes-man and media erm...man of the night.

There is no fourthly.I go straight into my topic.While doing research on celebrity endorsements,I suddenly came across a forum page hosted on Mediacorp bashing the nation's favourtite bashing girl,Michelle Saram,Princess of Bhutan (ever watched 流星花园2?).I really pity and the way she kena hatam by all the forum readers.Bimbo,talentless,hopeless,worst artiste ever signed and so on.Boy oh boy and I'm talking about the praises here.

What has she ever done to offend all these people really?Besides polluting the screen with her presence that is and trying to sing.We hear hundreds of tuneless crocks trying to sing in karaoke lounges everyday what,so what's the problem with one more lass trying to sing?Ok,we mortals don't exactly get to cut albums.But then she's Princess of Bhutan,she's different.

I am defending her because I am actually related to her...ok lah,sort of.Do you know that (now you know!) Michelle's grandmother is actually my 干妈妈?Yes,folks,so I've seen her since we were young although I never seen or met her since then.What a pity!I'd kept her so busy off-screen,on-sheets that she'd never have time to time to get on-screen,on-tabloid sheets.Argh...how can I do that?After all,she is my 干-don't know what...but hey it's not only 干 what.

Ok,I haven't started on my defence yet.Everyone needs to earn a living what and she's only working to earn a living so give her a break lah.Want to blame her for going on-screen despite her abysmal acting skills and recording CDs despite her horrible singing?Blame it on the TV show producers and record companies lah.They were the ones who signed her what.I do wonder what she'd be doing if she wasn't on TV...in fact,I wonder what she is doing now.

Eventually,the subject will have to come back to me because I am a"Special One".My relationship with Michelle only reinforces that.Imagine,she's Princess of Bhutan...doesn't that make a Prince of Bhutan too?Of course,it does.And it means that I am de-facto royalty.

Bow down before me,all you useless subjects and kiss my royal arse.That includes you,Jose.I don't see royal blood in you.

Monday, April 11, 2005
Xiaxue Balik Kampong

Just a short post to diss Miss Wendy Cheng and her TNP "columns".As most people will know by now,Miss Wendy Cheng is Miss Xiaxue.Most popular blog in Singapore,best Asian blog awarded by I am not sure who and well,whatever other accolades some other online groups might have bestowed upon her.

So she gains some shame,gets a lot of readers on her blog and TNP saw fit to invite her to start writing stuff on the online version of TNP.There is only one major problem.

Xiaxue strived on cussing and cursing,leveraging on lewd and vulgar language and/or content and generally just being rude.Those were the unique selling points of her blog whihc made it popular and sometimes,funny.Stripped of all these elements to suit the populist taste of the popular media,her columns are frankly an embarrassment.

There is an almost embarrassing lack of depth or insight in her content (which isn't a surprise since her contents were never strong even on her blog anyway)but now,there isn't even a sensationalist style to it which could sell itself to public audiences.Read her column and tell me that if any Tom,Dick,Harry or Susan you pluck off the MRT couldn't write the same polite fluff.I bet you.Hell,I think the NKF kid who writes contributes his own personal columns in Today writes better than her.The boy at least has his thoughts that didn't seem recycled.

No f#$%,no sex,no cock,no words of this kind...why would we want to read a Xiaxue column?Could someone please answer me?Go back to writing your blog and about having sex with Tay Ping Hui lah,Xiaxue.You think you are a budding journalist?You ain't.Your language and insights isn't half good enough.Stop embarrassing yourself,Wendy and balik kampong to where you came from.That platform just suits you better...and maybe it's about the highest level you can aspire to.

:)

Saturday, April 09, 2005
How To Increase The Country's Population

Hahaha,excuse me for a while as I detract from the main topic but something amuses me.It's concerning Chelsea's 4-2 win over Bayern Munich and its aftermath where Chelsea skipper John Terry barracked Michael Ballack for his last minute dive that earned the Germans a penalty,which the Germans then converted,giving them a lifeline in the return leg at Munich.Terry blasted Ballack as a "serial diver" and said that "Diving was something that was not about football in England."There is something seriously flawed about this statement.

Hello,Mr Terry...have you met up with Robert Pires and Patrick Vieira recently?You know,those French maestroes who play down the road at Arsenal who frequently trip over air particles?Perhaps Ballack is an Arsenal fan who is just learning to trip over air like his idols do?So to suggest that diving doesn't take place in England is like saying that English weather is bright and sunny throughout the year.Crap.

And oh,of course,Chelsea is not about diving.Chelsea players actually do rarely dive.So no,they don't cheat.Instead,Chelsea is about obstructing opposing defenders or goalkeepers so that their own players can get free headers in on goal.And of course,they also have a knack of spotting referees talking and making imaginery conspiracies with opposition managers.So let's make this straight:Chelsea never cheats.Never.What they do isn't cheating.It's just called swindling.

Thursday's TNP highlighted a news article (or is it a blog?It's strange that newspapers are capitalising on the blogging phenomenon and calling their news articles "blogs"...so I have one question,if their features are not articles but blogs,shouldn't we be getting them for free?Why are we still paying money to read them on hardcopy?) about declining birthrates in Singapore.Tsk tsk tsk...so sad,all those TV serials and baby incentives and people still don't give a shit about having babies for the nation.

"FOR THE NATION!!!" Boys and girls,men and women...you heard that???It's FOR THE F#$%ING NATION,GET IT???So start copulating,you ingrates (all of you received NSS and ERS so if you are not doing your part,that's being an ingrate).For the married,sex sex sex...just have sex.For the singles,erm sex sex sex,just have sex as well anyway.If you happen to get pregnant,then get hitched or hey,at least you add to the baby statistic...but we don't give a shit about unwed mothers,do we?

I think to get more people to start having babies,the government need to have a rethink in its policies and propaganda...erm,wait,you can't call it propaganda,it's supposed to be called national education.Sorry sorry,wrong word used.Don't arrest me,ok?I already apologised already what.Anyway,here's what I think the government should do:

1) FINE CHILDLESS COUPLES

The monetary incentives obviously don't quite work and who can blame the ordinary Singaporean not being enticed by it.Aiyo,the money can't even used by the couples any-own-how.I heard that it's kept in some Edusave kind of account where you can pay for a kid's this and that and whatever.Wah liao,give me I also don't want lah.I want the money to pay for a 90 inch flatscreen TV,an X-Box and a Bose sound system.Pay for kid's education?Kids should earn their own keep.You don't know how spoiled kids are nowadays.They don't know anything about hardship.

I'd make my kindergarten kid earn his/her own school fees by distributing newspapers before he/she goes off to school.Kindergartens don't start lessons until 8 or 9 anyway what.They can wake up at 5 to distribute papers first.While they're at it,they should also make me breakfast.That's the way parenting should be done.Hard and fair.

Anyway,that's not my main point.If rewards don't work,what do you do?FINE THEM.And fine them hard.If a couple don't have a child within two years of getting married,they get fined $10,000.You then add add $5000 to every subsequent year they still don't have kids...until they go bankrupt.For the ultra-rich,the fine starts from a base of $1,000,000 and add $100,000 to every year.

Another advantage of this...you can add substantial amounts of moolah to the government coffers so that we can pay each of our ministers a $20,000,000 annual salary.Gotta keep ta brains here in S'pore,yo!

2) MAKE PUBLIC EXAMPLES OUT OF CHILDLESS CELEBS

Wah laio,did you see the news,Zoe Tay give his son a Chinese name and it gets a spot on the 9:30 news.You tell me which other nation thinks a TV actress naming her kid is a primetime news item?Uniquely Singapore,man...no matter they think up of that to advertise Singapore to gullible tourists overseas.

But in the same way that we are giving Zoe Tay shameless column space and airtime to let her talk about Brayden and show her breastfeeding (I distinctly remember seeing it on a TV advert...but ahhh,how erotic,I wish I am Brayden during that instance),we should shame those celebs that have married for years but haven't given birth to so much as an egg.Step forward,Lee Nanxing and Yang Libing.You two think you divorce then I forget the two of you childless ah?You think I let the two of you get away with it ah?No way man.

First things first,I think we should honour all those actresses/public figures who get pregnant like nobody's business.Those who get pregnant so often,they are like hold hands can get pregnant type one...so step forward Ivy Lee.I knight you and from hence forth,you shalt be addressed as Sir Ivy Lee.

As for Lee Nanxing and Yang Libing,they should be made a public example of.I suggest public execution.They should be hung at Takashimaya's Civic Plaza in full view of citizens and tourists.To show all of them,in Singapore and in the world,that we take making babies very seriously indeed.In fact,Channel News Asia will even provide a live broadcast of the execution as well as TVMobile...it's everywhere after all.Everybody needs to see how they diefor their extreme act of treachery and treason to the nation...by not giving birth.This will set an example to the ordinary Singaporeans.

And if it doesn't have an effect,we'd just execute more childless celebrity couples.When we run out of those,we then execute the singles.

3) MARRIAGE BY 30 OR DIE LAW

Too many singles on the streets,not good.No babies from them...actually technically not true also since there are unwed mothers all over the place but they don't count since the government don't count them as human beings,they count them as cattle.

Anyway,the government can drastically reduce the number of singles out on the streets by implementing a Marriage By 30 Or Die Law.Yes,male or female,you must marry by 30...or else you will be hanged and your body dumped in Pulau Semakau.Remember that this landfill can hold 63 million cubis metres of rubbish so it can hold a lot of dead singles.Don't push your luck,singletons...or you'd end up as Samara of Semakau.

4) BRING IN THOSE FINE CHINESE LADIES (CHEAPER VIETNAMESE LADIES ALSO CAN)

Hey,come on,we don't have enough people on this island.We also need to widen the gene pool amongst our selves.And what better genes to import than those fine Chinese ladies with their porcelain skin,silky hair,perfect figures and awesome looks.I tell you,in no time,our single men will be copulating like bunnies (and in the process make some fine Chinese/Singaporean babies)...and for once,we won't be the wooden spoonist nation in the annual Durex survey.

Hey,don't you find it a bit weird.All the surveys you see reported,usually they only hightlight those when Singapore voted number ONE.Uno numero.Number one government (VERY IMPORTANT).Number one port.Number one airport.Number one competitive economy.Number one IT infrastructure.Number one myopia nation.Rarely you raed about the surveys where we come in bottom.Like,you know,in press freedom.But lousy in sex...must highlight for the nation to see...some more,frontpage ah,I tell you.

Anyway,I know people have concerns about these fine Chinese kittens making use of our local men and then running away with their hard-earned monies after toying with their feelings (and groins).I got that covered,y'all!When these ladies arrive in Singapore,we immediately confiscate their China passports so they can't leave the country.Even after they become citizens or PRs here,we do NOT issue them passports.No way we let them anywhere near a plane or the causeways.In fact,we even ban them from visiting our surrounding islands to prevent them swimming across to Malaysia or Indonesia.That's how strict we are.是我们的女人就别想逃出我们的组屋区!Hahahahaha...

What a stupid long blog I wrote...adios folks.And good morning,y'all!

Thursday, April 07, 2005
Ever Fallen In Love With Someone?

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that’s worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with

I can’t see much of a future
Unless we find out what’s to blame
What a shame
And we won’t be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I’m hurt
And if I start a commotion
I’ll only end up losing you
And that’s worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn’t’ve fallen in love with

From The Buzzcocks' "Ever Fallen In Love With Someone (You Shouldn't Fallen In Love With) ?"

Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Playing Coy

First off,I must congratulate Liverpool on their fine 2-1 win over Juventus this morning.I didn't watch the full match.I think it's probably too much to expect a non-Reds fan to lose sleep over a match that he doesn't really have an interest.I did,however,watch about eight minutes of the match...from the 37th minute onwards until halftime.At that time,when I woke up to go to the TV to just check out how the match was going,I must admit I was a little shocked that it was 2-0 in favour of the Merseyside club.Two things then went through my mind.

First,it could go rather well for the Reds in the second half and they could hold onto the 2-0 lead or even increase upon it (very unlikely) so that they'd have a comfortable lead in the 2nd leg in Turin.If this was the case,they'd have a good chance of progressing since the Italians rarely win anything more than 1-0.

Second scenario (which came true),was that Juve would pull a goal back to go back to Turin at 2-1 down...or even worse,they equalise at 2-2 (which is more likely than Pool increasing their 2-0 lead).

So they pulled a goal back to return to Turin with a 2-1 deficit.Good luck to the Reds.Please take a look at the Grand Old Lady's group matches and 2nd round legs against Real Madrid to see what Juve can do.There's something binary about their scores...1-0,1-0,1-0,1-0.And of course,they did the exact same thing to the Galaticos in the last round before snatching a win in extra time.No reason to think they won't do the same to Liverpool.I think the Reds will have to play the game of their lifes to even draw the return leg.Good luck.

Ahhh,now that I got the task of writing about football out of the way,let me talk about a colleague...I haven't talked about one for months.I mentioned him as Tom Cruise in one of my previous posts,an old colleague who came back into the fold after spending some time away in another department.He's now come back and is still his usual self...seriously crappy.

You guys know that I have a moniker for each colleague that comes into the office,right?A superhero alias that I will use in place of the actual person.Unfortunately I have run out of X-Men characters to use so I have to use to name this new colleague as another superhero...

I dub him...*drum rolls*...AQUAMAN...

Aquaman is pronouned A-GUA MAN.In Chinese,it is written as "阿官男人"

Now as we all know,there is a reason behind why I name each colleague/friend after a superhero.Ok,most of them.The reason why I call him Aquaman is because he seems to be living in a world of his own where he's King Of The Ocean.Every other superhero is living on land...but this weirdo,he lives in the ocean and has only logic fishes understand.

Also,I think because of the way water tends to distort/reflect lightwaves,people might look better underwater than on land since their features get distorted.This is certainly the case with Aquaman who seems to think he is better-looking than he really is.He isn't.

The thing about Aquaman is that he is in his 30s and is obviously slightly desperate,if not more but he plays coy and acts holier than thou.Like he is 冰心玉洁 or something.Oh please,I think he has a volcano in his pants.He acts as though he only deserves the best looking specimen womankind can offer but always tries to deflect that he doesn't go for looks.

Anyway,recently,Jubilee has tried to ask him about whether he is interested in meeting her cousin who is single and available and according to Jubilee a very nice girl.Aquaman,of course,then starts playing coy and retreated into his Ocean Kingdom and started babbling fishspeak that no humans can understand.What a cock!We (Jubilee,Colossus and me,your truly magnificent Cyclops the Bra-ve...emphasis on BRA...I like the garment) even had to tempt him with a photo we downloaded from the net (ok,it was a prank) that we passed off as a fictitious pic of Jubilee's cousin.He then got interested in one of the cha-bos in the picture (there were three girls in the pic but we wanted him to guess which cha bo is the cousin) but continued to act uninterested...even though he did betray his thoughts about who he was attracted to.

And then holy cow,despite NOT being interested,he started asking Jubilee stuff about his cousin.Hobbies,work and other stuff.RUBBISH.If you are NOT interested,you ask for what?Conversation topic ah?Chao A Gua.Interested but don't dare to say.What kind of a man is this?I know...A GUA MAN.

I am leaving out a whole lot of disturbing behaviour from this most upright of superheroes.If I were to put everything down,he would seem like an outright villain.Or gutless SOB.Whichever might come closer.

I just have one thing to say to guys.If you guys want to meet a girl,don't deny that you want to.Be a man and own up or at least say you don't mind.That's the least we can do.And when you like a girl,be brave and tell her...that's the least we can do as well.Don't be like Aquaman.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Fann Wong The 老骚货

Ahh yes,the annual national debate was covered in today's ST again (too bad if you don't have the online subscription for ST...then you got to pay 80¢ for the ST hardcopy consisting of recycled news from Reuters and sub-standard,pro-PAP local news reporting...and of course,useless entertainment news about local celebs) and the nation (yes,all 200 of the Fanntasy club members)again debates or urges for our beloved Ms Fann to get married.

And of course,our beloved Hollywood heavyweight actress (Shanghai Knights grosses 1 billion...rupiah) plays tease to all these speculations (I always wonder who are the ones speculating or who are the ones who really give a f#$% since most of us are either preoccupied with the EPL or with Jude Law,depending on which gender you are).Just check out some of these soundbites from Miss Oil Of Ulan (I did make up a couple of them but that doesn't mean they're not true...):

"No, Chris Lee is not my boyfriend..." (But of course not,he's still with Sean Say,isn't he?)

"If I'm getting married,I will send out invites and make sure people attend my wedding dinner because I'll want everyone to know..." (Of course you would,you media whore...)

"Marriage is scary..." (Oh,so Chris Lee does sado-masochistic stuff in bed huh?Seeing the stuff you do on TV,you do deserve to be whipped,darling...in fact,I'd whip you personally myself)

"I find it weird that the whole nation is asking me to get married..." (I know the 200 odd Fanntasy Club members mean the WORLD to you,Fann but they don't constitute the entire population of Singapore...that's still about the other 3,999,800 of us left who don't give a shit whether you live or die,Fann...let alone get married)

So so so,after reading all these,you guys would know I am no huge (or tiny) Fann fan.In fact,I happen to think she's a 30-yo-plus hasbeen who somehow still thinks she's queen of this tiny island's entertainment scene.I think even Mediacorp seems to think of her in a special light and puts her on a pedestal which is imaginary at best.So she was in Shanghai Knights...big f#$%?It's not like she's in Titanic or something...and if she was,at least we might get some nudity from her.Why's she an 阿姐 really?Maybe she does special favours for the upper management,you know...like giving head to the heads...nice rhyme.

Well,come off it,Fann.Nobody really cares whether you are geting married or not.I don't think anybody wants to waste 80¢ on a hardcopy or their online subscription reading about you NOT getting married.And like you said,if you were getting married,the whole world would know anyway...boy oh boy,Jude Law must be bawling his eyes out the day that happens..."How come that extraordinary beauty Fann is not marrying mebut some Malaysian PR?Ain't I good enough?"Of course not,Mr Law,who do you think you are?Chris Lee?

Fann,you are nobody on a tiny red dot(Thanks to ex-prez Habibie for giving this valuable soundbite that millions of Singaporeans always like to use...especially top ministers who like to use it to "galvanise" the nation) so stop your self-importance and your self-promotion.It's really quite tasteless,you bimbo.

PS: After writing all these,I found that the content really doesn't justify calling Fann a 老骚货 in the title so I'm renaming this post as "Fann Wong The 老 Turtle".