Friday, September 24, 2004
Death Is But A Part Of Life

I used to think about death an awful lot.No,not about commiting suicide.By about dying itself.About what it means and how it'd affect the people around the person who passed away.I happened to think about it again last night,for no obvious reason.Technically,you could call me a morbid person but I'd seen my fair share of deaths around me to realise it's never far away.And it strikes the least when you expect it.I don't fear death in any way,to me,it's just the final phase of a life.And it leads to the afterlife.It's only the effects it has on the people around me that I fear.I fear the crying and mourning that goes on after that.

My mum,who is the eldest,had seen two of her seven siblings pass away before her.IAnd I've remembered both times strikingly because they came suddenly.many years ago,my second uncle contracted throat cancer around his 50s.It was a most painful disease.One had to go through sessions of chemical therapy,slabs of medication amongst other painful medical processes for a cure.Despite all this,if one fails to recede the disease,the last option usually involves an operation to remove the cancerous growth.As it's at the throat,basically you lose the ability to talk.You can still make sounds but it's real painful just to communicate and even then you'd probably not be able to get your points across.I can't remember the day now but my second uncle paid us a visit one evening to see my mum and maybe catch up.I don't know.It was clear he was in great pain and had much difficulty speaking.Seeing him in such great discomfort,my mum didn't really wwant him for too long although she really wanted to see how he was doing and if he was getting better.I think he admitted as much that he was in great pain.The meeting lasted about an hour or so before he left for home.The same time the following evening,when I came home,my mum was sitting distraught on the sofa.She told me my second uncle had commited suicide by hanging himself.Like a bolt out of the blue.

This March,I went to the US with my mum,my eldest uncle and my third aunt to visit my cancer-striken youngest aunt in Greenwood,Mississippi.As one can see now,the disease cancer runs in the family because my grandfather died of cancer as well.I've always worried about my mum getting the disease but so far,she's healthy and free from it.Anyway,I spent ten days there and most of the days were really spent helping to take care of her and lifting her spirits so that she'd have more willpower and determination to fight the disease.And she'd know that we are firmly behind her.My youngest aunt had not met most of her siblings(except third aunt who doesn't work and so goes travelling all over the place...including to my youngets aunt home)for over 20 years and one can imagine her joy when she first saw us and even ove rthe period of time when we were there with her.Much of the days were spent cooking for her and talking and catching up with her as well,she's not well enough to cook and the stuff that my young cosuins can serve up are not exactly nutricious fare.She needed better food and we cooked her meals and tonic soups to make sure she got fed well.But I felt what was most important was our presence and our company.The night when we were about to depart for home.My youngest aunt broke down.It was all due to what my insensitive third aunt(I don't like her per se)who wondered aloud if the siblings must wait another 20 years before they could meet again.To a cancer-strikened patient,you do NOT talk about 20 years because they may not have that.You spend each day as it comes.My mum had to console my youngest aunt,telling her to be strong and get well so that she can then visit Singapore again after a period of decades.It was one of the most heartbreaking things I have seen in my life.Three months to the day we left.My youngest aunt passed away.My mum and I spent the night talking about her at the time.We were glad we visited her before she passed away.it meant everything to my youngest aunt.For the others who didn't go(excuses ranged from work to not having the time to simply not responding),I hope they slept well at night.My youngest aunt lamnted to me how my youngest auncle never sent her cards for any occasions.Now he could save on those cards.And it made me realised how much a greeting card can mean to people.

I've had strange dreams in the past about my dad passing away and how I cried during those dreams.But that was when I was younger.I don't know if I would cry now.I didn't cry when my youngest aunt passed away even though I felt great sorrow,but I've accepted now how death is very much a part of life and we have to move on no matter what happens.It's easier than done,of course but I'm just facing it as a matter of fact.Without getting emotional about it.Hence I now no longer know if I'd cry if my mum or dad passes away,even though I'd certainly mourn.Is this cold?I don't know.I hope not.It's only me trying to be more rational than emotional.

More to the point,I've wondered about myself dying.Like I mentioned earlier,I have no fear of death so if I were to pass away this evening or now,I'd have no issues with it.If I die,I die.End of story.For me,that is for I know what I believe in and I know where I'd go after that so there's no issue for me.Life is but a passage,which is why I don't hold a lot of things dear to me here.The things I have and some of the people around me.I don't need to be friends with the entire planet.I do fear and care about the people I leave behind though.For my parents,I hope what I had given them was good while I was around and what I have left them will be good to them for the rest of their lifes.For my brother,I wish him well and that he'd sort himself and his family out to lead a wonderful life with a child.For my cousins,I wish them all the best in the world and that some of them might actually be better people...with love.For my friends,I hope I've made your lifes slightly better in any way I can.And you might remember me with a wink and a drink.For the ones I love or have loved,may your lifes be blessed and filled with the love and care I can't give.

It's all becoming a little morbid after writing about death so much that this must seem like a suicide note or something like that.Well,it is nothing of that sort.I never speak in advocacy of suicide even if I might be able to understand the rationale behind it...under exceptional circumstances.That does not include suicide bombings.I am talking about the disease ravaged here.I think I should syop talking death here so on a lighter note,I just stopped about the loveliest girl I have seen in this building for a long time while I was in the canteen buying food.I have never seen her previously so I wonder which department she is from.She reminds me of a female buddy I used to have in university who looks a bit like her.This girl is prettier.

Reverting back to my subject,to end,I would like to quote football great Brian Clough quotation:"I want no epitaphs of profound history and all that type of thing. I contributed. I would hope they would say that, and I would hope somebody liked me."Ditto.