Thursday, September 30, 2004
Some Good Patents

The Japanese have always been known to be perverts...erm,wait,that's not what I am interested in saying...they've always been known to be nutty inventors,who come up with the craziest inventions that one will never imagine people would come up with.I am sure most of us have seen circulated emails about some of the stuff that the Japanese came up.The head-support stand which enables people to sleep standing up in an MRT,for instance.This is just one example.The papers recently featured a picture of another new Japanese creation called the Boyfriend's Arm Pillow.This pillow basically resembles a dismembered torso with a twisted arm(wow,in my words,it sounds very comforting)that a woman can pretend to be her non-existent boyfriend and cuddle up to.With her head strategically nestled in the muscular arm,she'd feel ample protection and is secure in the knowledge that the mangled torso is there to comfort her.I have no doubt it will comfort lots of women everywhere.And a cotton arm is much better than a real man's arm anyway.Guys can have BO and sweaty armpits,pillows won't.

But I say why let the Japanese have all the fun,grab all the money and laugh all the way to the bank.No sir.That will not do.Singapore has to be number one in everything so why not in the field of weird contraptions as well?We'd beat those Japanese buggers at their own game,patent our stuff and watch the money flow in like the Yang Tze river.Yes sir.That's the way to go.And anyway,isn't it the call by the government to promote entrepreneurship?This will be a good starting point,wouldn't it?

The Boyfriend's Arm Pillow has stirred my imagination a lot and I have come up with a couple of good patents that'd no doubt set the cash registers ringing.Sit back and admire the genius please.Oh,and if any venture capitalist happen to be reading this blog,please take a serious consideration to my ideas.Singapore has been crying out for another Sim Wong Hoo and I am IT,you know.I'm so sure of that,I'd bet you $1.

Anyway,here are a few ideas I have come up with.

Girlfriend's Bosom Pillow:Why let the girls have all the fun?Guys deserve something too and I propose the GBP as an alterntaive to it's sister counterpart BAP.This little comforter will no doubt soothe all the lonely men out there who yearn for the embrace of a wonderful and beautiful woman but can't ever seem to catch anybody's eye.or just get plain lucky.The pillow will be shaped like the dismembered torso of a woman,just like the BAP,except without the arm...so I save even more materials making the piece of crap.So basically,yopu just get two mounds there,if you know what I mean.And unlike the BAP again,I'd offer 3 different sizes for different preferences.There's the Sammi Cheng pillow,which is essentially a normal pillow because well,you know...it's Sammi Cheng.There is the Aishwarya Rai pillow,which is well,the medium size,not too flat and not too,erm,pronounced and finally,the Anna Nicole Smith pillow where you get two huge mounds.Even the choices of celebrities are good,I've covered all regional markets with the various choices of stars.Sammi brings us closer to the huge China market while Rai will bring the products to the Indian sub-continent.Nicole Smith will help us conquer the Western civilisation.

Male users of the pillow are encouraged to use the product correctly.And that is,when they use the product to sleep,they are to sleep FACE DOWN.Otherwise,the desired effects are lost.I know there are bound to be a few fatalities here and there but we'd sell the pillows with a disclaimer and purchasers are required to sign an indemnity form.The disclaimers will also protect us if they say our product does not give them a rush.We say they only get the desired effects if they do as we say.And if they did and still did not get the desired effects,again no worries,they'd probably be dead from suffocation anyway.The indemnity form protects us from lawsuits by the customer's family.So either way,we are safe from lawsuits.

The Boss' Electric Chair:It looks like the OSIM symphony chair but doesn't work like it.The chair is also covered in expensive plush leather but has a mish of fine silver wires running over the seat that is not visible to the eye unless you use a magnifying glass to look.The boss wouldn't know of course,so he or she would just think you are a really great employee to give him such a gift and your performance appraisal will no doubt,rank an AAA+.Now smile your evil grin because you know have him/her under your control.This contraption serves a lot of functions really and is programmeable so you can decide when electric shocks will be administered and at what intensity.But the boss wouldn't know he/she's being elctrocuted.No sir.Then he/she will escape your clutches.The electric shocks will induce a range of effects from waking up the boss(for the lazy bosses),an intense stomachache or headcahe(which will force the boss to take MC)to shock convulsions(not recommended).So as I said,it serves different functions.

There could be lazy bosses who need a kick up the @rse and the wakey wakey shocks will do a good job so they do not rest on their big,fat laurels.There are the stoamch/headache effects when a boss gets pesky and irritating and needs to be dispatched from the office.As for the shock convulsion effects,it's only when you really hate that person.

The Lobster Spray:Sick of lousy canteen food?Well,here's your saviour.This spray,when sprayed upon any meat,makes the thing taste like top grade lobster even if it is some mashy and horribly cooked piece of chicken that a dog wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.Immeidately,you find that you can tolerate any food and can eat anything and nobody will dare to say you are wasteful anymore.In fact,you'd probably wolf down everything that's placed and sprayed in front of you.Made with all natural ingredients with no preservatives,MSG,salt or suagr,you can be sure that it's a healthy yet delicious product.So healthy yet delicious that you'd spray it straight into your mouth and chew your own tongue.No no no,I do not recommend that of course.And it comes in many different fLavours:Lobster,abalone,mushroom,teriyaki chicken and leftover food flavour.

The Instant Allure Perfume/Cologne:Spray this on and feel and look like Keanu Reeves or Gwyneth Paltrow.In the eyes of others anyway.They will not be able able to tell the difference as well,this spray contains some real strong drugs that take over their sensory perceptions when they inhale the fumes or rather scent(depending on how much you apply really)and you decide what they see.How long the illusions last depends on the dosage you apply on your body and of course,you will also be affected by the drugs into thinking that you are the superstar of your choice.The scents come with different looks.Keanu Reeves,Jude Law and Hui Ge for the guys.For the girls:Gwyneth Paltrow,Fann Wong(not a good seller) and Cai Ping Kai.If you use the Keanu scent,you might just be drugged into thinking you are The One and start leaping off buildings and doing impromptu kungfu demos.God save you then.

I have to warn about the morning-after effects of this spray.One would have to constantly apply it otherwise the effects will just wear off.Always be prepared for a confrontation when your new girlfriend suddenly realises that the stud she is with is no Jude Law but some dude named Jude Lor.The fights and arguments might just get ugly.

I was about to type another contraption in but then,I discovered that it's almost six and my bilogical clock is calling out to me to pack my bags,shut down the computer and leave this God-forsaken place called the Office.Natural instinct is alive and well indeed.I cannot deny this call of nature and must go to satisfy my primal instincts.So long,folks.Remember,you are reading the words of the next Singapore multi-millionaire here.HAHAHAH.*Demented laugh*