Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Gay Men

What a strange topic for me to want to talk about but I can't resist,can I?No I can't.The topic of gay men or more precisely gay encounters came during last Friday's drinking and makan session with my secondary school cum university pals.Yeah,these are the guys who went to exactly the same secondary school class(out of the 4, 3 of them even attended the same priamry school as I did...in the same class)and some of them to the same faculty of NUS Business.Let's just say that we basically grew up together,watched football together and drunk barrels of alcohol together as well.Great bunch of buddies.And some of them...seemingly undeniable gay magnets as well.

Anyway,before I continue further,let me talk about something else first.I was tempted to write another post about this but felt that what I really had to say was too short for me to want to write a separate title.So it's getting stuck here.I even thought about the topic title I'd have given it."Everybody's Marrying".Named after the Keane song "Everybody's Changing".I think about this kind of minute stuff before I write.Even if it's nonsense.The title of this would-be post tells you mcuh about what I'd have written.

I went out with some of my army pals for dinner yesterday and one of them dropped a bombshell on me.Yes,he's getting married.Next January.That's about three months from now.You know how fast that is?Fact is I didn't even know that he had a girlfriend.Last I went to reservist with him during March,he never mentioned it to me.Ok,he told me he did tell other people and thought it would spread through some of the bigmouths in our platoon so he didn't thought about informing me personally.But anyway,that's not the matter.He's marrying after a 9 month courtship.Wow.That's fast.If it was someone like me,I wouldn't even know how much I genuinely love a person after a year,let alone spend my life with her.It just shows what a "pondering" person I am.

The topic of marriage had also came up during my Friday night drinking session with my longtime buddies.Basically all of us are single now but we were speculating who'd get married.I'd give them nicknames to facilitate writing about them.There's Ike(the hunk),Mills(the drunkard),Jon(the hardworker)and Sly(the girlfriend trophy collector).Anyway,of course,we speculated that Sly would be the one to get married first,after he's had more relationships than the rest of us put together.He disagreed.It seems as if the first person to get married is something none of us particularly desire.Weird.But it probably has to do more with the fact that we haven't even got anyone in sight to talk relationship,let alone marriage with.

After talking so much,I think I'd just put a stop and a conclusion to this short topic before embarking on the main point.I seriously think all guys my age has found that age has caught up with us and the notion of settling down is becoming more and more real and close to us.I even sense some desperation creeping in for certain people.I don't know if that includes me.If I wanted to,there is somebody I can chase quite easily but I don't think I would want to do that.Because while I may like her,I don't think she's someone I'd want or could be together with.It's simply just two different things,liking someone and being with someone.Some people knew that I was quite active in going after her some time back and asked me about it but almost as a u-turn,I've changed my mind just as quickly and stopped all advances.I just told my friends who asked me that I was lazy and didn't go after her like I should.Which is true in a certain way.They say the best way to gauge if you like someone enough is to see if you think you can go on a trip with that person alone.I guess I didn't know if I could manage that.Personally,I feel it'd be better if I didn't encumber any girl with my ponderings until I can figure myself out.

Back to the topic of gay men then.Why did a bunch of normal straight guys start talking about gay experiences in a pub on a Friday night when they are surrounded by brevies of beauties at other tables?I have no idea why but hey,we are certainly not queer although we might have been a little insensitive making gay jokes(I cracked the majority of the jokes and in all fairness i was directing it at my buddies,not at gays).To all the girls who happened to be around the 5 of us at Paulaner Brahaus(this has become something like our joint...besides Balaclava where we sometimes go as well),especially the group of 5 girls seated at the table next to ours,I say we didn't mean to be insensitive in any way...and that you girls are very cute!And well,we are certainly not queer,just that some of us have more attraction to gays than others.

Sly had started the ball rolling by asking Jon about his infamous(amongst us)encounter with a gay classmate(let's call him Dan)during his JC days and Jon,perhaps under the influence of alcohol,was happy to furnish us with the details.Jon had been good friends with Dan during his JC days when Dan would confide in Jon his life and all his secrets.Apparently,Dan came from a single parent family and his dad was never home nor around for him.He only had a sister but never had a father figure in his life.Apparently,Dan also liked to cross-dress since young,wearing women's make-up and all.Jon never suspected anything was wrong as he was close to Dan and thought that eveything was as they were because they were good friends.

However,during one PE lesson,Dan slipped a love letter into Jon's bag where he confessed his feelings for him beyond friendship.Jon was shocked.But being young and probably not best equipped to handle such things,he avoided Dan like the plague.Dan was persistent though but finally one day,Dan finally called Jon on the phone,crying and asking why Jon had avoided him.Jon proceeded to blast him over the phone.I was there when this occurred.

But things did not quieten down after that,Dan was persistent in his pursuit of Jon.Even after graduation from JC and during NS,he would call Jon up and go to his house to look for him.As Jon had told his mum about the matter,she helped Jon out whenever Dan came a-calling.But Dan never stopped.He even made a tape containing various love songs that professed his love for Jon.But all these actions never came to fruition.

Eventually,Jon met up with Dan to clear up matters between the two of them once and for all.It was then that Jon said he realised that Dan had not expected anything in return from him.He just wanted to tell Jon of his feelings and that's it.Nothing more.How true is that,I don't know.Do you chase someone so hard and not expect reciprocations?I find that almost hard to believe but maybe I'm being cynical.But seriously,no man can do so much for another person(guy or gal)without expecting anything in return.He'd want that person to at least like him or not love him back.That's just my thought.

So that's it.Sly too had his own stories and I won't go into details but it seems that there are some common threads that run in thses stories.In Sly's case,the guys were also from single parent families and lacked father figures.To them,a guy friend who trusted them was more important than any girlfriend.One of Sly's stories' protagonists was even sexually abused by his relatives.No no no,Sly wasn't the one sexually abused lah.It's one of the guys who liked him.

From the details that I heard from the various stories,there seems to be always cause-and-effect reasons that resulted in these men's gay tendencies.Things that resulted in them becoming more interested in menthan women.The lack of a father figure being an outstanding reason,seemingly at least.I once heard from a friend that gayness was something that was both nature and nurture.That people are born gay.I never bought that idea and never will.To me,I don't think God created man in such a way.Men were born to love and protect women and that's that.Eve would be pretty redundant otherwise,don't you think?

Still,I think understanding such cause-and-effects can help people to understand,if not help, gay people better and not look at them in a strange light.Of course gay people don't think they need help but I'm sure they'd at least like to be understood better.And of course,I can't colour every gay with the same brush and say all guys are necesssarily motivated by such causes and reasons.Who am I to say that?But maybe,just maybe,where counselling can help to turn a person straight again where past wrongs can be reasoned out and "corrected",we should approach that possibility.No offence to gays.Because seriously,besides their sexual orientation,gays are probably better people than most straight people are.

At the end of the day,peace man.I don't dislike gays but that doesn't mean I agree with homosexuality.I can understand but don't agree.Just like you can choose your lifestyle.But we each need to understand and maybe respect each other's choices.That may run contrary to my last paragraph I know where I advocate counselling but that's only in cases where cause and effect is obvious.So I don't think I'm wrong.