Friday, October 22, 2004
Uniquely Singapore

This morning(or more precisely last night but the news only appeared on the broadsheets this morning),I was greeted by a devastating piece of news that affected 90% of guys on the island...YES,ESPN 来阴的 and suddenly announced that they'd increase the subscription price of the sports group channels by some 80%.Of course,ESPN had hinted at such a increase a couple of months back but still,when the final announcement came,it hit me like a tsunami.Wham bam slam.I am all dishevelled and distressed.I am not the only one of course.

The papers reported a whole range of viewers bitching about the price increase but curiously,none of them decided to drop their subscription despite the price increase.They just went moaning,moaning and moaning.Losers.Cowards.Moaners.Hmmm,not unlike me then.It's always comforting to know you're not alone.And like them,I won't drop my subscription anyway.I'd just succumb to th demands of the evil corporations.We Singaporean men are just a bunch of weaklings after all.You can hold us ransom to anything if you threaten to cut our EPL subscription.Seriously,girls,try it on your men."I want that $5000 diamond ring...or else,I cut your EPL subscription."They're drop down on their knees and beg you to have mercy.You'd get that diamond ring.Trust me.

I won't talk about ESPN more because I had written about them in a previous post.But for subscribers of cable TV,I want to bring notice to you of this series of advertisements for EPSN (more precisely EPL) that showcased a series of peevish men(with lovely wives no less)who are absolute slaves to EPL.One showed a guy lying in bed with his lovely wife in a similarly lovely negligee(the wife,not the guy)who acted like an infantile jerk when his wife hid the remote from him.He flipped flopped in bed so much,the wife finally relented and handed him the remote.Another advertisement showed this fat ugly guy on a sofa who threw tantrums at his lovely petite wife with gorgeous tanned skin because she had hid the remote from him too.Despite her best attempts to pacify him,that guy acted like a total jerk unless the understanding wife too relented and gave the remote to the idiot,who then acted like a total infantile watching his favourite Arsenal score a goal.For the first advert,I have only one thing,this guy must have no sex life with his wife.In bed with a beauty in a negligee and all he wants is to watch an England football match?!Is he a 太监 or what?As for the second advertisement,I thought the advert clearly showed that the wife was working and probably needed some peace to work and so hid the remote to prevent the guy from switching on the set and blasting it at volume 50.Well,the understanding guy,after getting his remote,decided to watch his match at precisely volume 50.Jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk.Girls,if you have such a boyfriend or husband,please dump them.And if you look anything like those 2 girls in the adverts,please come to me.

Three paragraphs of writing rubbish later,I'm going to go back to talking about being uniquely Singapore.This was,of course,an advertising campaign to attract tourists into Singapore to visit our fabulous(I do love Singapore,it's my home,you know).There was some hoohah when some advertising guru from HK commented that "Uniquely Singapore" says zilch about Singapore.Oh really?Talk about HK's campaign then.It went about using this "吃了就买，买了再吃"(something like that lah)tagline.Ok,it's about HK being a shopping and eating paradise but I thought it also meant HK will turn you into a pig who only knows how to eat and shop because there's nothing else to do there.And a shopping/eating paradise?Sure or not?HK is the only place which sells product samples to consumers.I think the word to describe HK shopping should be rip-off.As for food,ok lah,fair enough.

But still,all that hoohah has made me think about what's unqiue in Singapore,something we can use to sell to toursist who come here...erm,couldn't think of too many unique point so here I go...

FOOD
Can't go wrong with that.I think we have some stuff very unqiuely Singapore where we are the best in this kind of stuff.Hainanese chicken rice,curry puffs,pandan cakes...erm.Seriously,I can't think of anything else that Malaysia isn't better at churning out than us.Their bak kut tae is easily better than ours.Go to KL to know what I'm talking about.Laksa?Maybe,because Penang laksa is a different dish altogether so can't compare.Cha Kway Teow?Malaysia's one actually much better.In truth,with the closing down of old hawker centres,we don't have a lot of good hawkers left anymore.You have to go to the older ones to find good food.Even then,our standards have steadily declined with more and more food stalls approaching that dreaded foodcourt standard.

Oh,by the way,I don't know if all you guys know this but there are separate tourist and non-tourist sections at Newton Circus.If you don't want to get ripped-off,eat at the non-tourist section.How to tell the difference?The non-tourist section tables have NO numbers on them and the stall vendors won't approach you to buy from their stalls.From what I know,the tourist section is out in the open while the NT section is under the roofs.Check out the tables before you sit next time.

Oh,having said all that,there really isn't anything unque about Singapore food...not much lah.Next point.

MERLION
Erm,to tell the truth,that's nothing unqiue about the Merlion.The only thing unique about it is that it shows that our government will invent fictional myths just to bluff tourists.What in the world is a merlion?Brainchild of STB?It's not even any symbol of a national identity.How do you say that to a foreigner?"I identify with the merlion because it has unqiye capabilities,it can swim swiftly while mauling people underwater."Right.but of course,this makes us unique...we are the only country who can keep inventing myths to keep the tourists dumbfounded.Let's setup the Mysterious Flying Birdman 鸟人 statue at SDP headquarters and the Struggling Office Boy monument at Hougang Centre.For the SOB(oh damn...co-incidence,this acronym is exactly the same as "son of...")monument,I'd be responsible for inventing the myth myself.In 877,there lived a dashing Brad Pitt lookalike at the current site with Hougang Mall stands.He was a great man who knew everything and fought like Achilles.He slew tigers with his bare hands and romanced his women like Casanova.He was 1.90m tall and had a lovely physique like...do you realise the problem here yet?Hougang Mall could very well be built on reclaimed land,which means SOB cannot live there at BC 877.But the details about SOB are fairly accurate though.

SINGAPORE GIRL
Actually not the airline girl with her ten-inch thick make-up,peek-a-boo sarong kebaya and gentle smile directly only towards ang-mohs.I am talking about the average girl on the street because they're already very attractive.Girls,you have no idea how pretty you really are.A marketing campaign should just be centred on all the girls living on this island as they are lovely enough.So use it for the nation and earn the foreign dollars for us all.That's sexist,you say.What about the local guys,why can't they do their part and attract women tourists?Are you crazy?Please look at the ESPN/EPL Starhub ad to see what the average local guy is like.

NEWATER PLANT
Make this a tourist attraction...show them we drink our own piss and while they are here,they'd drink our piss too.This could be as part of an eco-tour you know.We then bring them to Chek Jawa,the only remaining piece of swamp we have and also the area where Joi Chua filmed her MTVs.They can do the exact twirling actions she did in her videos.There's also area D where they can pick up used blank rounds and oh,the zoo.And 小桂林 too?Erm...right.

SHAKE A HAND WITH MM SESSIONS

Our MM is so famous throughout the world,he should be a tourist attraction.We can arrange a special booth at Takashimaya where he sits all day shaking hands with people.It's be a once-in-a-lifetime thing and it won't come cheap.Each 5 second shake costs $50.Exceed that and we behave exactly like Starhub,we do per-second billing charge,each second $15.Imagine the revenue he'd generate,it'd be like the sixth biggest industry in Singapore by itself(the other five being bio-medical,electronis,shipping and logistics,banking and financial services and VCD piracy).And the startup cost is low.and our beloved should have plenty of time to perform such a job since he's only the MM.There's the PM and SM before him who can cover his duties in the government.

I think after all these suggestions,it can be established that I'm not much help to the government generating ideas to pump up tourism.I'm quite useless at that actually and everybody can see why.No creativity.Typical civil servant.It's little wonder that I'm doing other stuff in the civil service instead.Like writing blogs.Unless they wanna market my blog too...?I can take very little commission you know...