Friday, December 23, 2005
Uncle Batman

Allo kids and adults,

Starting today, in syndication with ST, Uncle Batman will answer to all your complaints posted on ST's forum so that not only do your grievances get aired, they also get answered and you complain kings and queens can rest your minds in peace and live happily ever after. And if you folks are not satisfied with my answers, please take a look at my picture on top. Look at me cracking my knuckles in my black latex suit with hard erotic nipples. Imagine what I can do to you. So shut the hell up and be in peace. When I say anything, it should be the final word.

First letter of the day:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Angsana: National monument.




Dear Uncle Batman,

To spare a mature angsana tree, the authorities built a tree well around it. They also reconfigured a straight three-lane road into two lanes on the left of the tree and one on the right.

I applaud the effort to conserve the tree. Our natural heritage should be preserved.

However, the location of the tree is extremely hazardous to drivers. The rerouting of the road was so sudden that I almost crashed into the tree well one Sunday.

My experience is not an isolated incident for I noticed that some drivers behind me had to swerve suddenly too.

Perhaps the Land Transport Authority should consider the consequences if this situation is not rectified.

An 80-year-old tree may have been saved but an eight-year-old boy may die as a result.

Tay Han Lin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Han Lin,

When our great government decides that a tree is worth protecting, it is ALWAYS done in the name of national interest, but this fact seems to escape you. Now I wonder why?

Do you have an unhealthy disregard for authority? Would you like me to send some of my good old uncle friends from ISD to pay you a visit?

Now I tell you what's good for you. You should enrol in the National Education programme and do some e-learning. It'd be good for you.

And as for the tree being hazardous to drivers. I ask you: What's the small price of a few dozen lives lost compared to the preservation and furtherance of our national heritage?

And do you even have any idea about that tree's significance in the history of Singapore? Let me tell you: It was exactly under this tree here that Sir Stamford Raffles took his first shit on Singapore (Temasek) when he landed here. He had this sudden stomachache and couldn't find a potty.

So bow down under that tree and smell Sir Raffles' turd, you ingrate.

Yours sincerely,

Uncle Batman.

PS: By the way, Han Lin, I can't tell from your name if you are guy or gal. If you are a gal, Uncle Batman want to sayang you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
TT Durai: Gov repossessing his nuts.





Dear Uncle Batman,

The revelations in independent auditor KPMG's report on the National Kidney Foundation (NKF) upset many of my friends and family members severely, as they had many other Singaporeans.

It is inexplicable to us how a high-profile public charitable organisation handling such large amounts of donor funds could be allowed to operate without any semblance of proper governance over so many years - all this in a country that prides itself on being well regulated and governed.

The NKF saga is a national disgrace and responsibility for it lies squarely on the shoulders of the former NKF board members who failed in their fiduciary duty, and the regulators and auditors if they had failed in their duties in any way.

Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan has assured Singaporeans that all wrong-doing will be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law.

I hope the authorities will also consider taking action to recover from the former board members, executive-committee members and staff of the NKF all monies or benefits they received from NKF or cause to be expended in breach of their fiduciary duty that were out of the ordinary, unusual and not in accordance with accepted practices.

These could include, but are not limited to, backdated salary increases going back several months, backdated salary increments given to staff who had tendered their resignation, backdated enhanced leave going back several years which were encashed, and overtime pay for then CEO T.T. Durai for time spent overseas on official duties during weekends and public holidays.

The $30,000 average monthly expenses incurred by Mr Durai on his corporate credit card should also be scrutinised and any inappropriate expenditure recovered.

No one should be allowed to keep any ill-gotten gains, especially if they came from public charity funds.

Reading KPMG's report, I could not help but feel that there had been a plunder of the NKF.

Patrick Yeo Bor Gee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Patrick,

Please be rest assured that the government is doing as best as it can to save its face, erm, I mean salvage the situation and do things right.

There is no doubt that we will pursue all means necessary to have justice done. In fact, we will charge Durai under drug trafficking and have him hanged to satiate the public's bloodlust.

We will charge his entire family under murder charges and have them hanged too.

And we will sue his grandmother, great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother to recover every rupiah that he may have syphoned from NKF. We will recover all the peanuts that Durai took from NKF, maybe we'd even repossess his nuts too. All funds recovered will be directed to NKF's annual D&D to raise dampened morale amongst staff.

And as for the NKF former board of directors, please be rest assured that we have the worst possible fate lined up for them: We will place them in opposition parties for the upcoming elections and make them run in Ang Mo Kio and Marine Parade GRC as SM Goh wishes. Not only will they lose their security deposit when they get trounced, the government will also sue their pants off for defamation no matter what they say or don't say.

Now is this justice or what? :)

Yours sincerely,

Uncle Batman

PS: Can all readers stop writing about NKF already? You guys are boring my tits off all talking about the same point.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------