Thursday, May 11, 2006
Guide To World Cup Survival

1. Drink: Beer. I would usually advocate water as a much healthier alternative to beer but come on, during the WC, drink water? That's like for your wedding dinner, you treat everyone to a plate of char kway teow at the banquet. That simply will not do! It does not fit the occasion. And as for soft drinks and other sugared drinks, imagine downing such beverages every night...by mid-June, you'd need insulin injections after every match. So beer is it! And anyway, beer is healthy. It doesn't have too many calories and isn't too fattening. More importantly, it helps you to sleep. That'd come in handy when you lose $6,000 betting on Brazil beating Australia only for the Aussies to cause the greatest upset in the history of the WC.


Beer (Any brand): Official beverage of WC 06



2. Food: Quick-cooking oven-ready pizzas or Q-Bite. I strongly advise against potato chips and other salted snacks because heck, they are unhealthy and in a month-long celebration of sports, the last thing I want to suggest is unhealthy snacking over such a extended period. Yet, I won't advocate "healthy" foods like muesli bars, organic fruits and nuts either. Why? Because muesli bars, organic fruits and nuts are food you throw to feed monkeys in the zoo. If you want to eat, eat REAL food, understand? So stuff yourself silly with pizzas and chicken nuggets and chicken wings from Q-Bite (Am I due for some advertising commission here?) and the best thing is, this shite takes only 5 mins to cook!


Muesli Bars: Food for monkeys

3. Rest: MC booklet on standby. Why do you need MCs? So that can get the next day off and get your beauty sleep lah (although the kickoff times for this WC is a worldly 10pm and 12pm)! But I am not entirely sure where you can buy MC booklets. The next best thing that you can do is, of course, to saka your neighbourhoood or family doctor (start now!) so that by the time, the WC comes along, the moment you appear at his/her clinic's doorstep, he or she would just tear off an MC slip and let you fill in whatever number of days you need. Just make sure that the doctor you are trying to saka is the friendly sort and not some grumpy old SOB who would tell you to fcuk off and stop malingering. And if the doctor happens to be a pretty and friendly female, even better. And if the doctor is a pretty, friendly and SINGLE female , I would suggest you chase her and make her your wife. It always helps to have a steady stream of MCs available anytime anywhere...after all, we guys still have NS duties to dodge.


If your family/neighbourhood doctor looks like this and is friendly and single...just tackle her lah

4. Fitness: You may not see the relevance in this but I'd tell you why. 人有三急. We all need to piss, shit and erm...have sex? But I am a sensible person so I am not gonna give you guys some stupid suggestion (Which FHM doubtless would) and tell you all to install toilet bowls in your living room or beside your bed so that you can piss or shit without missing a single moment of action. That's stupid lah. All I can suggest is that you build up your fitness and your speed by training regularly now so that by early June, you can sprint to the toilet, piss and shit all you want, clean up and sprint back in six seconds flat. So you'd have guessed it, my fitness not only refers to your leg muscles but also the muscles in your privates and arse (and its hole) so that you can just shoot out your excretion in triple-quick time. Anyway, think long term! By the end of it all, you'd be the only guy in your unit who can complete the shuttlerun in 3.6 seconds flat (although it's too bad they don't give extra points for breaking world records) and your missus/girlfriend will be mighty impressed by the tautness of your derriere and your muscular little brother...
5. Emergencies: Here are some VERY IMPORTANT phone numbers you should take note of, so that in the case of an emergency, you can quickly dial these numbers to receive some help. They include McDonald's (6777 3777), Pizza Hut/KFC (6235 3535), Canadian Pizza (6241 0241) and Good Samaritans (1800 221 4444). I included the last one because, as I mentioned, just in case you lose $6,000 betting on Brazil beating Australia only for an upset to occur, you might feel like killing yourself. Please then call the Good Samaritans number. I can only hope that the counsellor on the other end of the line is a chio mei mei whose sweet voice can reinvigorate your life-force and show you that, hey, life is good! It is after all, full of mei meis.
6. Entertainment: Hold your horses, you say, but we are getting entertainment galore already! Not for you, you dumbo! It's for your better half. As we all know, the WC produces hordes of WC Widows every four years. I was going to say that womenfolk ought to understand that the WC only comes once every four years while we have an eternity to spend with you (That's not true, I hear you girls protest. We only spend our living days on earth together but well, from the perspective of guys, it really feels that long...), so just let us off the leash for one month and we'd go back into our kennels once we are done. But you girls wouldn't understand, would you? Nope, I doubt it. So guys...girls get entertained only by three things: shopping, hunks and travel. I am sure none of us is stupid enough to trust our better halves with our credit cards and shopping (that might sound weird, they are our better halves yet we shouldn't trust them with these? Trust me, when it comes to shopping and credit, the brainiest woman turns into a dribbling retard) so shopping is out! What about hunks? Are you fcuking outta your mind to even ask me about this? So finally the last option is travel...send them far far away where they can do what they want and we are left to do what we want. But sending them overseas only increases the danger of them being exposed to shopping and hunks so what to do? Send them to the only destination where it's safe to send them loh...as illustrated below:

No shopping but hunks aplenty and the important point is: You can trust these men with your wife/girlfriend...I think...

PS: I seek the understanding and tolerance of all female partners of footie fans. You girls should understand that men have only three things on their minds and they are (including the percentage which they occupy the mind): Sports (mostly football) 50%; Sex 45%; and God 5%. For the less Godly among men, there is no God so it's Sex 50%.

During WC football season, the percentages change to Sports 90% and God 10%. Why God now increase to 10% and Sex drop to 0%? God gets 10% because we pray fervently that the teams we betted on win their games and also we pray that our wives/girlfriends would shut the hell up while we are watching matches...so we are VERY in touch with God during WC season...

Also, you'd notice that this is the only month in four years where your husband/boyfriend won't badger you to have sex...so I don't know. You girls might either be very happy or distressed about this. If the former, then you complain for fcuk?! And it's time to get a divorce, girl. If the latter, please forgive us...God didn't create men to multi-task...