Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Now My Heart Is Full

Two assuring piece of news greeted me this morning.Actually,make it three pieces although my reflex actions have effectively doomed my days here in the office.I think it's but a matter of time before things become unbearable and my position here becomes untenable.Who knows if I can last beyond the early part of next year or even the end of the year?Let me elaborate...

The first reassuring poiece of news that greeted me today was that Rogue would be away the whole day attending training for election duties downstairs so she won't be around.Hoorah.But doesn't matter,I thought about some of the stuff at work I wanted to do today and I'd be doing it.So at least I won't be wasting time here.

But anyway,the interesting things that happened when I learnt this news wasn't noticed by anyone except Rogue and me.I was talking to Shadowcat earlier this morning,talking about her training(she has election duties too)and the tasks that God has given to her to complete by this morning.Just as we were talking,Rogue appeared from nowhere and instinctly,I turned my back to her and walked back towards my cubicle.WRONG MOVE.Office workers,please DO NOT do that when your boss comes around,greet them with a smile(even if you don't like him/her).As I scurried back to my cubicle,I kind of realised my mistake and tried to turn back to smile at her but she looked right past me instead.Later when she walked past JG and my cubicles,she greeted JG without bothering to greet me...or even look at me in fact.I am dead.

Later,as I was whispering stuff to Jean Grey and saying that Mystique and Rogue were going down for training,I made another stupid mistake.I pointed at Mystique's room and said,"这个也会去，对不对？".At that moment in time,Mystique was tsanding at Storm's cubicle with Rogue but as Mystique was standing at the cooridor,.she had a good view of my desk...and my finger.SH*T.

I feel kind of lucky now that I did a placement exercise in October,indicating my interest in going to other departments.I don't think I can stay here much longer.Fury hath no fury like a boss scorned.I am as good as dead.The thing is that because I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't bother pretending,I think it's sealed my fate.But I am alright with it.It's me and I got to show what I agree/disagree with or like/dislike.At least I am not being fake with people and being true to myself.Even though it's not what people want to see or what pleases people.

That's the first piece of news and it's long,the second piece of news concerns a story that implies that cardiologists and emergency medical specialists "do not quite know how much electricity to use when reviving people".This is extremely reassuring.We are paying these people thousands of dollars and entrusting our lives to them and they do not quite know exactly what they should use?Of course maybe this kind of stuff,there's no real concrete rules to apply to all people as people can have different thresholds,body masses...etc and you can't have a one-jolt-revives-all situation but well,hearing it from the horse's mouths...it's almost like them using this disclaimer,"Hey,we try our best but if we shock you to death or didn't use enough power to revive you,you know,it's just one of those things so too bad."If they don't mind,they might want to employ me as a cardiologist too.Just teach me how to work the machines and watch me go.I got the disclaimer on my side.

Third piece of reassuring news is that yes,completely contrary to my beliefs,NUS is certified hip and cool.And since NUS = cool and I was from NUS,therefore Cyclops = cool.Hahahah.I always knew that,I just needed the official word that I am cool and now it's finally come.Took you a long time,didn't you,ST?What took you so long?I am sure,that like me,all NUS alumni are feeling proud and happy that they,too,are the coolest graduates in Singapore.Erm...problem is...that's like 50% of the graduate population here.

Seriously,I find it amusing and silly to start labelling certain institutes as cool or not.Schools are schools,institutes of education...you go there to study and learn,not model or pose lah.Cool for what?You want to be cool,you go to the Antarctic lah.Silly buggers.Stupid idiots.Just shows up the shallowness of our youths.Anyway,the way people dress when they go to campus,you can't tell the difference between Kent Ridge and Caldecott Hill.

Like I mention,I am amused.I think it's an American TV culture thingy which students are trying to follow and therefore,turn every campus into a Beverly Hills 90210.I am not implying that students should wear monk robes to school but sometimes,they might want to consider the fact that they went to the schools to study,not look good in order to copulate with fellow students...even though the latter activity is a bonus.I agree one should look presentable at least whe out(social courtesy) but don't be it be the emphasis,the be-all-and-end-all.When is that the objective of studies?Please concentrate on getting your As,and not grating your Arse.

Hahah...let me count the number of paragraphs I have written.Nine paragraphs.None related to my topic.Now it is.I am been feeling bad lately.Might not show it but some things are just...I don't know.First off,about two weeks back,I found out that a girl whom I like got herself pregnant so she'd be marrying the guy.Oh great...anyway,I wished her all the best and said that the guy was a very lucky man to get such a wonderful girl like her.It was hard to say,I tell you but some things you just have to be gracious about and bite your tongue and say it.I am glad I did.I don't know how but well,she says she wants to be friends for life with me.My reaction...wow,ok,sure,I sure wasn't aiming for that initially though.

Two nights ago,my ex-gf called me out of the blue for no reason.I had not talked to her for two months or so because one,I was pissed off with her for some stuff she did two months back and secondly,I was determined to get her out of my life.All the time when I've been her with and when things were over,I'd always tried to be there for her and support and help her in everything but I've had just enough enough.Even to be friends,you need mutual respect.Which I think I scarely get.Half the time that I've known her,she has spent it apologising to me for various things she did.I didn't think I want to continue in that vein forever.I am not a masochist,you know.

Anyway,I was seriously pondering whether to return her call or not because she had called my mobile at 1 something and I was asleep.As my mobile wasn't in my room,I didn't hear the call at all.I finally decided that I'd call her last night just in case she was in trouble again(she's always in trouble...one form or another).Well,guess what...she called me to apologise to me what she did two months back.Fine.She wanted to know how I was getting on.Fine.She told me she has a new boyfriend.Good.Finally.I will not elaborate on the conversation but basically I tried to cut it short,after knowing that she's not in trouble and therefore does not need my help and all she wanted to do was apologise(again...).She too asked me to call her whenever I can and that we'd always be friends,right?RIIIIGHT.

I don't need this.I seriously don't.I don't need friend who keep apologising to me because they knew they hurt me.Is this what friends are for?She considers me as a friend because well,I think I've always been nice(except last night,she said I was a little distant.I was like"no lah,it's just been some time since we talked and I'm sleepy")to her so I'd make an ok friend.But her to me?Friends is about give and take,about respect.I wish she'd show me some of that before saying what she did.

I am so tired of this,so very very tired of this crap and bull...that's why I need to shut out some people from my life...even though they still want to be part of my world.I wonder why?I do realise it will be a hurtful thing to do to people to shut them out and with time and wisdom,I might look back and regret my decisions but well,I really don't need certain things.I am drained as I am emotionally by some people,the same people who want in.I can't find a good reason why I'd want to...or be able to accommodate them into my life without becoming superficial and patronising.And that's the last thing.I either care or I don't.I don't want to pretend to care.That's a lot worse than not caring.At least to me.

There's gonna be some trouble
A whole house will need re-building
And everyone I love in the house
Will recline on an analyst's couch quite soon
Your father cracks a joke
And in the usual way
Empties the room

Tell all of my friends
I don't have too many
Just some rain-coated lovers' puny brothers

Dallow, spicer, pinkie, cubitt
Rush to danger
Wind up nowhere
Patric doonan - raised to wait
I'm tired again
I've tried again, and

Now my heart is full
Now my heart is full
And I just can't explain
So I won't even try to

Dallow, spicer, pinkie, cubitt
Every jammy stressford poet
Loafing oafs in all-night chemists
Loafing oafs in all-night chemists

Underact - express depression
Ah, but bunnie I loved you
I was tired again
I've tried again, and

Now my heart is full
Now my heart is full
And I just can't explain
So I won't even try to

Could you pass by ?
Could you pass by ?
Could you pass by ?
Could you pass by ?
Could you pass by ?

Oh ...Now my heart is full
Now my heart is full
And I just can't explain
So ... slow ...
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...