Tuesday, November 30, 2004
You Are So Overrated

"You Are SOOOOO Overrated!!!"

These are the words that I wish I have the chance to say to some of people whom I have never met but have had the dubious privilege or reading on the news about or watching on the telly or big screen.Ok,who's kidding who?But most of the people I am talking about are entertainers and other assorted public figures.Of course,my opinions count for nuts but hey,I think I'd like to speak a piece of my mind to these people.If I could...

1) David Beckham

Anybody can train a right foot well enough to take freekicks well or to cross well.What you can't train is your natural football instinct and ability.Ronaldinho has plenty of both.As do Zinedine Zidane,Luis Figo,Theirry Henry,Shah Alam...the list is endless.Beckham has nothing to do with these talents.His fame has always lied on his clean-scrubbed good looks and a right foot that's marginally better than most other footballers.So he crosses the ball well?But according to statistics,he isn't even the footballer with the most assists (I hate this "Americanization".Call a pass a pass,a cross a cross,what assist?!).So he can score a mean freekick?But he does not even score consistently with them.And it is arguably that someone Robbie Savage takes as good a freekick as he does.

What's about Beckham that made him so popular?I think there are hosts of players who look AND play better than him.He probably put a hex on all the stadia that he had played in or something like that.That's no other reason why he should be popular.

2) Jackie Chan

Truth be told,I hate the man.He thinks he's cracked Hollywood and that he's the 大哥 or something like that.I think he's just a one-trick pony who got lucky for once in Hollywood...and because the ang mohs were bored of their own CGI and wanted a change for a while.So he caught that window of opportunity and made it big.Otherwise,what the hell is that?He behaves more like a lecherous 40-year-old monkey than anything else.Watch his movies.In essence,does his movies offer anything radically different from one another?It's just stunt,stunt and stunt,act stupid and act silly,slapstick-style martial arts and he recycles them 101 times a movie.The man can't even act.And he acts like he's king,a know-it-all.The bloody idiot even goes around impregnanting women and then making it out like he's the victim.Question:Who put dicky inside those women?Did they do it themselves or did it just wiggle its own way in?Did Mr Chan enjoy it while it lasted?Answers on a postcard please.

It's good that his star is waning.Around The World In 80 Days became the big turkey that it always deserved to be.I hope Rush Hour 3 flops...so this glorified lecher can be consigned the annals of history.

3) Fiona Xie

Miss Big Boobs has such a wimpsy voice,it's like fingernails scratching on a blackboard everytime she speaks.Excruciating.It's probably not her fault,it's a natural disabiloty after all.But Princess Fiona also takes every opportunity to flash and bare her assets out for the world to ogle.So much so that if you're still to somehow miss it,she'd probably bury your face into her twin peaks just to make sure she's got your attention.Ok.Actually that's not such a bad thought after all,as Robin Leong would readily attest to.But I wouldn't want to die suffocating in those massive love pillows.

Fiona dear,do TV audiences a favour.Either you just do porn because seriously you belong there (I think it's what you've been threatening to do for ages now,what with that Orchard Road bikini stunt and your recent appearance at the STAR awards where you looked like a milk cow ready to burst) or you should just disappear from local screens for good.Or you could marry me.That's a good option too.I need some love pillows.

4) Andy Lau

Can Andy seriously act?I think not.Sure,he may have won the HK 金像奖 Best Actor but the 金像奖 have something of a reputation for 分猪肉 (for those not in the know,that means that they distribute awards not on merit but by appearance at award shows).Something like our own 933 Music Awards where any Tom,Dick and Sally wins something if he/she turns up.Can you imagine him winning against Anthony Wong,Tony Leung and Francis Ng?They must have a serious acting off-day for him to even have a chance but they've all lost to him before.I guess the real yardstick should be the relatively neutral 金马奖 of which Andy's tally is a glorious ZERO.

And can Mr Lau stop being such a poser?Every movie he acts in,he likes to strike these poses on screen.When he walks,he struts like a peacock even when he's supposed to be down and out.Is he a poser or an actor?I think the answer is obvious.And oh,can he stop singing,his voice sounds like someone being smothered to death.He should sing Hokkien songs rather than Mandarin or Cnatonese songs.His voice is much more suited to that dialect.

5) Fann Wong

Fann is Mediacorp's crown jewel (Fans of Zoe,seriously,Zoe is old now and peddles canned mushrooms.I do like Zoe better but she hasn't acted in a Hollywood flick before...no matter how bad it is) only for the reason that she acted in Shanghai Knights.But was it a box office hit?NOOOO!But they still peddle her around like she's a Hollywood star when SK will likely be her ONE AND ONLY Western flick.Alterntaively,she could always star in a skin flick opposite Fiona Xie.

Actually,to be fair,I do think Fann can act a bit,but she should stop acting so precious like she's our biggest star.That on-off affair with Chris (Sean's boyfriend) Lee is tiring,I'd put an end to the rumours.They ARE together (That's from an insider source) so these two fakers can stop acting coy already.Can when did Miss Fann suddenly develope an ang moh accent ala James Lye?Did you guys see her slimming advert when she was with Kenix Kwok,Chris Lee and Kwok's unknown husband?She suddenly went all corn-fed American on us.Phuah,who thought her to speak like that,Jackie Chan???Get real.

6) Leon Lai

What does Leon Lai do well?Romance ladies?Smoke?Drink?That's about it.Because he sure as well cannot act.When he acts,it's always stony faced stoicism and coldness.He's good as an assassin or in a role where that person is clinically cold-blooded and unfeeling...like in 三更.Otherwise,he's crap everywhere else.Anyway,does acting stony faced require any acting skills?I sure can do that too.

Another question:Can Mr Lai stop pretending to sing?I don't know what he calls his tuneless and toneless crocking but it's not singing or music to my ears.And his songs are always those techno Beng songs which nobody listens to nowadays (VMP would be proud,they should sign him to their label),why can't he move with the times...you know,like stop singing?And did anyone see his latest "image"?He was wearing gaudy lemon yellow,platinum lime green and atomic bright pink.He could put a Christmas tree to shame with his get-up.

7) Keanu Reeves

Too much Chinese bashing,got to find an ang moh to trash and who better than Keanu,a big and easy target.Keanu's cinematic expressions consists of TWO looks:Confused and pissed.He exploitd this to full use in the matrix.Confused,confused,confused and then seriously pissed.In Speed,he was confused,pissed,confused and then seriously pissed.In the Bill and Ted movies,he's confused,confused,confused and then seriously confused.That's a pattern forming here...that's a reason why he's not in CSI.

Actually,fair play to Keanu,nobody actually rated him anyway.Girls love him for his exotic looks,not for his acting chops.For acting chops and great looks,one should look at Jude Law...who sometimes does have a tendency to pose as well.

8) Jolin Tsai

Arguably,nobody rates her for her singing so how can she can overrated.I just find it weird why she's so popular?Could be her pseudo-porn star image,I don't know.I mean under-18s in Taiwan can't watch Japanese porn right?So they go for the nearest alternative,a pseudo-Taiwanese porn clone...and mothers wouldn't complain because they think she's just a singer.Think again mothers.Look at those tattered pirate clothing (which pirate dresses like that?) and midriff baring "princess" dresses and tell me she's wholesome.

It's good that Jolin has Cyndi Wong to share her burden.While Jolin caters to male fantasies about pirates (?!),Cyndi caters to more generic cranal needs...the schoolgirl fetish.Cannonball,who just came back to civil service,likes girls in uniforms too...see how perverted civil servants can get?Like me.

9) Anna Kournikova

In a sport (tennis) that's played by muscular,butchy women,her blond hair and relatively pretty face of course stands out.But put her on the streets of Singapore and I think a lot of people wouldn't give her a second glance because girls here are so much prettier.They might stare at her because of her height,her blond tresses and erm,what is an ang moh doing here,standing around in tennis wear?She might want to stop considering herself as God's gift to men and being so stuck-up.God is not so mean to us to give such low-quality gifts.

Oh,and she can't play tennis to save her life...did I mention that Anna's a professional tennis player?

10) Tay Ping Hui

He's a all-it-all,I am too cool for you jerk.Or behaves like one.


Other honorary mentions:

Ronald Susilo

Sorry,Ronald.But beating Lin Dan was a fluke and you know it.I seriously don't think you are that good.How many major tournaments have you won anyway?But you are one lucky monkey,you married the golden goose.

Chen Shui Bian

A gunshot wound away from non-re-election.He talks more like a durian seller than a statesman.But then again,all Taiwanese politicians talk and behave like durian sellers.Oh sorry,I am but a citizen from a booger state...no right to talk lah...

Justin Timberlake

Is he really that good or does taking Britney's virginity offer instant celebrity status?I think it's the latter.

Khoo Swee Chiow

Does the guy actually work?I've heard so many stories baout the guy 私吞 sponsored money for himself.And get paid to climb Everest?Hell,I'd do it for free.Just sponsor me the air tickets,that's all.Everything else I pay.The guy is pulling all kinds of stunts to steal a living.Go across the antarctic,swim the Straits of Malacca,walk on water...I got one proposition,Swee Chiow,the mother of all stunts:Go find Osama and take a picture with him.

5566

Conceited,no talent,looks like fake Japanese gangsters,got a sense of humour only aliens understand (and I am not talking about illegal immigrants here).Why are they idols?Idols to whom?