Friday, July 15, 2005
An Open Letter - Part Three

"If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?"

Words from Sheryl Crow's "If It Makes You Happy"

Elva:

Dearest Elva,

The words of the chorus of this song are my exact words to you because if what you wanted allows you to be as happy as you said you are,I'm sure it's not bad...yet,why in the world are you so sad and lonely?Is this really what you want,from the bottom of your heart?How can what you describe as love be love if it leaves you lonely and empty?If it keeps you awake at three in the morning looking for something to do,company to keep?If love is like this,why would anyone want to fall in love?

I am glad I took time to calm myself down and re-organise my thoughts before I wrote this to you.Because my mind was in a mess when I wanted to write on Sunday.I need to say thank you first and foremost.Thanks for rescuing me from depths of despair on Sunday.I was so close to crying.Thank God for you.

Thanks for helping me through.And thanks for your immense concern.Sorry for the pain and sadness I caused you that night.You said that you will feel sad for a very long time for the things happening to me.I hope it doesn't last.You don't have to hold such burdens.

I thank you for the fact that you awaken me to the fact that I probably still love you BUT I agree with what you said.Not everything in life is perfect and the way we want it to be.And we have to each accede to the path we have made and taken,to the choices we made.Life is a one-way street.There is no way we can go back to retread back the way we came.I accept there is NO WAY we will ever be together.NO WAY.But you are in my heart.And I want nothing but happiness for you.

When I told you that years from now,if you are still not married/attached and I am of the same status,I will go to any lengths to win you back by my side,I meant it and I'd glad I made that clear to you.But I accept that it may never happen.Because in the first place,I do not know if I can keep my end of the bargain and not fall in love with someone else.More importantly,despite loving you,I do not feel I am the one you need,who can bring you the happiness you desire.I hope that the man you marry will be able to provide you whole-hearted,selfless love and the happiness you desire.You know you deserve it so much,for the things you have suffered in life.You deserve nothing but the absolute best.You are a wondeful girl,Elva.One of the best in the world.You open up my eyes to what is true beauty.You may not be the prettiest in appearance but you have the most beautiful heart ever.You would so willingly give without asking for anything back.Anyone who has you doesn't need anything else.

You told me to try to NOT love someone unreservedly,to NOT love someone with all my heart and give everything to that person...because you do not want me to feel hurt.But you know I CANNOT do what you want me to do,because I am as I am.If I do not love someone that way,I do not want to love at all.But I want to ask you this question:If one does not love unreservedly,with all one's heart and effort,can you call that love?

And why is it that you yourself cannot love someone half-heartedly?

You told me to always leave something for myself when loving someone.To hold back so as to not end up feeling hurt.But look at what is happening to you.Your boyfriend is holding back concern and attention,do you feel good?If you do,why are you feeling so sad and lonely?

You make up excuses that your boyfriend has a good heart and that he's too busy to shower attention on you and you accept that all men are like that.You make up excuses that his lack of attention is to "build up your character" but that's so bullsh*t.Why would any man want his love to feel lonely?If it was me,I'd make sure that you'd never feel lonely nor sad.I will try to make you feel the most loved person in the world.And is that not what you want?To feel loved?

The man doesn't love you.And if he did,he sure is doing a piss-poor job of showing it.But who am I to say anything?I am in no position.Because I cannot make you happy.But if it makes you happy,my love,it can't be that bad...if it makes you happy,why the hell are you so sad?

Why are you so sad?

Your sincerely,

XXXX