Friday, June 16, 2006
赢 Ki Lan
I am here, today, to write about everybody's favourite national team in Singapore. And no, it's not even Singapore. We must be the most patriotic nation in the world, yeah? It's 赢 Ki Lan. And based on the past two matches that they've played, that's precisely what they'd achieve. 赢 Ki Lan.
I won't dissect 赢 Ki Lan's play and start offering theories and reasons as to why I think the team won't win the World Cup. What I offer instead, are a few simple observations about the team.
First off, can someone tell me exactly what is the nature of the relationship between Owen Hargreaves and Sven-Goran Erikson? Because I cannot see, for the life of me, what the rather fey Hargreaves is doing in Germany and what more, actually getting playing time while Michael Carrick is getting splinters in his butt from all the benchwarming.
There can only be two reasons for this phenomenon. One, Sven and Owen are hot gay lovers and off screen, Owen is eating Sven's ice cream. This is really ok because the temperature in Germany has been searing and players need to cool down one way or another. And what better way to cool down than eat ice cream?
Sven: "Listen, you are useless and I don't really have any reason to send you onto the pitch, but...Owen, I'm your father..."Has anyone else noticed, like me, that David Beckham's best performance during each match usually occurred during half-time?
Yes, that was when that Gillette Nitro advert came on and David, in all his metrosexual glory, seductively shaves a whole lot of mousse off his finely sculptured chin. And then after clearing all that chemical waste from his chin, he shoots a devastating look at you with a twinkle in those mesmerising eyes that screams (to both men and women), "Yes , yes, yesssssssss, fcuk me, baby!" Yes, David, I concur so fcuk you.
Gillette Nitro: Shaves your head, chin and chest but not your arms.Does anybody else, like me, believe that Sven the man will regret not bringing that Tottenham midget to Germany? No, I am not in advocacy of the merits of the arrogant gap-toothed one but having four strikers, out of which three are crocks and one's a cock, doesn't really make for sound reading. Of course, maybe Sven just didn't want to bring another cock to Germany. One's enough, I suppose. Well, whatever it is, it's fait accompli.
Jermain Defoe: "Sven, bring me to Germany, please! What Owen can do, I can do better! Let me demo..."
And finally, to all 赢 Ki Lan fans, I really do not understand this but whenever Lam Pa misses, he has this strange habit of sticking his tongue out and licking all over his lips. Don't believe me? Watch the next 赢 Ki Lan match. Can someone explain to me why he does that? It makes him look like an oversized cat in heat. Maybe he wants some ice cream too?
PS: 赢 Ki Lan can also be an apt adjective to describe the state of my football betting. Although I had infamously told some of my Office X-Men© that the nuclear Iranians should die for letting me down and the Kimchis (especially that fcuker Ahn Jung-Hwan) should die too for not letting Asia down, I relent on my death wish for the Kimchis for the sake of their hot, perky fan(s).
Korean fan(s): Perky in more ways than one.
