Wednesday, August 04, 2004
That Sinking Feeling

Even as I am staring at the computer trying to write about my achievements for the past 6 months(refer to my previous post "Achievements:Blank"),I found myself absolutely unable to pen a single word in...and I have to turn to the blog to vent it all out.This is the first time in a long while since I really felt so down and out(in fact,since January 2003,when I realised I couldn't be with somebody I really like)and this time,it felt like somebody put a chokehold.A chokehold I can't get out of.It's not just work.It's a lot of other things.And I think I'm going to put it all down.

This morning began with a flourish really.Jubilee and Colossus were back and they were extremely upbeat and happy.Things have gone well for them on various fronts and it was extremely good to know that.Certainly things will continue to go smoothly for them.Met Jean Grey in the lift and she was very chirpy as well.That's what a leave day can do.Wonders.For a moment,there also existed a possibility that Rogue might not be in office today.That came to nuff soon enough but at least it was fun while the speculation lasted.And then I settled down to do my achievements and I couldn't go on.The spirit just sagged and sagged.It's only about 10 am in the morning.I don't know how I am going to last.I really must make a move.And I'd tell my mum about this.I've never wanted to tell her how much I don't quite enjoy being here because my single income supports everything now but I think I have to tell now.And it'd be an impetus to finally do something concrete.

The single income thing has been a monkey on my back for some time now.Which is also why I don't have the courage to leave this place.Mum and dad are not working.Mum always says she wants to go back to work but she never does.It's all talk.I rarely or never see her actively seraching the newspapers for jobs.When she does get an offer(from friends' recommendations),she gripes and says that she doesn't want to do this and that.That she only wants to do certain stuff.Which gets me angry.If she sincerely wanted to work,she should not think the world outside has to bend backwards to accommodate her.They're employers,not nannies.I can accept her not working,it's fine.She's old and deserves a break.But not when she says one thing and does another...which is actually something my mum does fairly often.Well,my dad,never works.He does free-lance but that's for his pocket money to go to the turf club.My brother,he's married and a compulsive alcohol consumer.I am just glad my mum doesn't have to subsidise him nowadays.

Besides these,there is also distress with this lass I have a liking for.First,if any of you want to know,she's really pretty.I don't say this of people often.Except on this blog where I jest a lot.Anyway,that's not the matter.We click very well with each other but she's an extremely deep and complicated person.And very guarded.So guarded,I cannot get through no matter how hard my efforts.Am I giving up?Nope.It's just very difficult to keep going at something I sometimes cannot a breakthrough.Anyway,I have made my thoughts clear to her.She never said no but she says she thinks she should be alone.It's got to do with a lot of heartbreaks she went through.Besides this,one should get a load of the number of suitors she has.I think you have to use something like an infinity sign.And they are mostly rich people.One of them from an extremely rich family in Korea.Can I compete with that?No,but that is not the point.She said these kind of things doesn't matter and anyway,she either can't click with these rich people or she wouldn't dare to dream of marrying into such a family.But if wealth IS a point,then I've liked the wrong person.I am too ordinary to fulfil such wants.

I think I must be getting old or something.There's this lyric from a song I like,"I am getting old and I need something to rely on".And I admit I probably haven't got anything to rely on,besides God.And while it should be said that having Him should be enough,I am embarrassed to say that I am looking too for something/someone in the physical world to rely on as well.There are friends of course.No doubt.But these are guys I really hope will find someone and marry soon.If I feel like this,I think they do too and it's not a nice feeling.

After all these rantings,I have to say,I am feeling marginally better.I have to get back to reality now.You do not escape from it long enough.