Tuesday, September 12, 2006
IMF - Welcome To Singawhore

An extremely good morning to my esteemed and holy guests of the IMF,

SOB, as a law-abiding citizen of Singawhore who encourages no civil disobedience, extends the warmest possible welcome to all honourable delegates and attendees of the IMF visiting Singawhore. As you'd have clearly seen and known by now, we kowtow and kiss arse to the VVIP foreigner like no other nation in the world (save for, perhaps, Taiwan). Sit back, relax and let me show you your itinerary during your stay in this beautiful island state that we so dearly call our wonderful home, Singawhore...until we migrate to greener pastures such as the UK, which our beloved SM's daughter will surely testify, is an even better home. :)

Upon arrival, you'd, doubtless, have encountered our Great National Campaign, the Four Million Smiles project. This project was specially created to ensure that your sacred arses will be kissed the moment you step off that Boeing or Airbus. Be rest assured that we do not normally smile at our foreign visitors. Usually, our modus operandi consists of cursing at Banglas for stinking up buses and pushing PRCs off Hotel 81s for reasons best known to respective individuals. Does it not warm the cockles and mussels of your heart that we are smiling so warmly for you, my exceptional guests? :)

After the prompt immigration clearance, which you might also have noticed we've set up specially to expedite your movement while locals are (HAHAHA) stuck in their long queues, you'd be greeted by our friendly liaison officers. These liaison officers are not only fluent in your native languages but were also sent to special courses to be trained to talk, walk, eat and shit with oodles of grace. I am certain they will leave you hugely impressed by our diplomatic efforts. And oh, we've got liaison officers for your WAGs (Wifes & Girlfriends) too. But I'd get back to that later. ;p

And after the claiming of your luggages (which will be less than 20 minutes), you will be treated to world-class services provided by our assorted service personnel, with an original "Singapore Service Excellence" smile. You will be glad to know that such world-class standards had been bludgeoned into their heads for a period of several months where endless hourly TV advertisement slots preaching service excellence to ANG MOHS and a rather hollow reality TV programme that professes to test and improve service standards but is, in fact, nothing but propaganda to ensure that they remember to provide the greatest quality of service to Your Royal Highnesses. :)

Your resting well is our utmost priority, so we've hired a whole host of BMWs and cabs for your comfort. We've also overbooked hotel rooms so that you can place your shoes in Room 213, your shirts in Room 214, your wife in Room 215 and you and your social escort in Room 216. Isn't it pleasing to know that we've got it all thought out? Furthermore, your wives don't even have to be in the same cabs as you! :)

At Suntec City, the venue of the meeting, you'd no doubt have found that we've closed all the roads for your easy travel even if that means locals suffer difficult travel. You'd definitely appreciate the shutting of the overhead crossing from Citylink Mall to the venue for your exclusive use. The crossing has been sealed and air-conditioned so that you do not have to suffer the excruciating local climate. And to ensure you enjoy such world-class comforts while ensuring that locals get none of these luxuries, glass doors have been placed at the base of the crossing so that only Your Royal Highnesses will be permitted to pass. As for the locals, they can cut through the bushes and cross the road in peril of speeding cars and searing heat. But no worries, my guests, they are 贱骨头 and wouldn't mind the discomfort one bit, as long as you guys enjoy. :)

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but Singawhore is never dull, my lovely guests. You'd discover that your meals will be cooked by our great Violet Oon (whom no real foodie in Singapore actually rates) and served on fine China plates worth $90 each. No doubt, only such fine crockery will be fit to serve food into your esteemed mouths. And as for evening entertainment, don't even get me started... :)

My great guests, you'd no doubt discovered that by now that we have got great movies lined up for you on TV. On Sunday, it was Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. On Monday, Minority Report and soon, we'd even show The Matrix Revolutions. These are specially planned movies for your enjoyment. If you had come to Singapore at any other time, the best movie that you'd have seen on our free-to-air channels would have been Iron Eagle 3. Endless TV adverts professing undying love and welcome for you will also make you realise how much we adore your presence here! :)

What would evening entertainment be without GIRLS?! Since we are whoring ourselves so much already, I guess it only figures that we go the whole nine yards and whore both metaphorically and literally. And so as hospitable guests, we not only seal off our finest bridges and roads for you, serve you our finest food and put you in our finest hotels, we even let you fcuk our finest girls! Hey, and to cater to your insatiable lust, we've even gotten our escort service agencies to beef up their local workforce specially for this event so that, YES, you can have your Merlion Boogie Nights in your hotel rooms. Royal Rumble, anyone? :)

And no worries about your WAGs, my guests. As mentioned earlier, our liaison officers will divert them away to shopping trips in Orchard or the deserted Suntec City so that you and our local lovelies can enjoy your trysts in peace. You might worry about your WAGs' overspending in our shops but surely, I say, that is a small price to pay for the taste of local honey. No pain, no gain! :p

Oh, but if you're the cultural sort, we've deliberately arranged our Singapore Biennale to co-incide with S2006 so that you can absorb yourselves in the arts too! We have specially arranged for certain arts performances and pieces to be flown here, so that you can enjoy and partake in them during your stay here. And rest assured that after your departure, these pieces will also immediately return to their origin since local eyes do not have the ability to appreciate them. However, Your Royal Highnesses, with your class and taste which we locals lack, will surely appreciate them :)

And with this, I end my introduction. I wish to express my sincerest wishes that all of you will enjoy your stay here, during the meeting, not merely as guests, but as royalty. And as a friendly reminder, when making whoppie with our local lovelies, please do NOT use condoms. We'd greatly appreciate you leaving your superior genes here in our humble land. After all, as we are so often told, we have no local talent. :)