Tuesday, August 15, 2006
President's Star Charity
The annual Mr Nathan press conference, erm sorry, I mean, President's Star Charity, is upon us again. I am sure Mediacorp has its usual insurance collecting stunts lined up to ensure that those NTUC Income premiums they have paid don't go to waste, but really I differ.Why make Sharon Au walk on ladders made of samurai blades when we could use make her sing and people would just pay for her to stop? And for that matter, why make Tay Ping Hui drag cars using his tits when we'd pay him to just not appear on TV?
Nah, I really digressed. What I really meant was that stars shouldn't have to risk their lifes or limbs just to make some money for charity. There are a lot of other ways to get the money rolling in. But of course, I will not explicitly disclose the money-spinners for the PSC here since they involve ideas unlikely to be accepted by Singapore's PG-rated stations (For example, a segment involving Fiona Xie might be named "The Bah Bao Munch"), but if I was the show's organising creative executive, these are the stunts I would propose, which, I am sure, will bring in the targeted $4 million in less than a couple of hours.
Stunt #1: The Transporter
Stars: Pierre Png and Khoo Swee Chiow.
Setting: An operating threatre somewhere in Singapore with Pierre lying unconscious on the oprating table, zonked out either on Tiger beer or anaesthetics. SC will be in his adventure gear, ready to move out.
Stunt: What else? Pierre sells part of his liver to the highest bidder in Singapore and when the highest bid is lodged and sealed, Pierre's liver is removed on live TV and SC then tries all kinds of ridiculous ways to deliver the item to the bidder. Instead of taking the bus, he might say hang-glide his way there. Instead of using a lift, he'd scale the exterior of the building...sans oxygen, I might add.
Danger factor: Zero. Pierre has been there, done that. SC has spent his entire life not working but doing ridiculous things anyway, so what's one more? But the downside is there is no control over what the liver will be used for. Might be used for a life-saving liver transplant, might be used for making those tonic wines with dead reptiles in them or might just be freeze-dried and sold as bah kwa.
Money raised: $250,000. Remember it's only for the highest bidder so the average needy patient who needs a liver transplant desperately, too freaking bad. Also, keep in mind that SC might take a commission of 10% without anybody knowing it, so in reality: $225, 000.
Stunt #2: Nearly God
Setting: Major hotels in town with Mavis roaming around.
Stunt: Mavis goes around the major hotels in Singapore and screams at tourists, "Call me God or give me money".
Danger factor: Zero. But stunt is limited to the time until the whitecoats lug her away, kicking and still screaming I might add.
Money raised: $1000. There is always the faint possibility that tourists might call her God, instead of giving her money.
Stunt #3: The English Patients
Setting: On board a Grasslands (草原快车) coach with Kym and Chris surrounded by Angmohs, English language or GP teachers or just monolingual purists anal about "proper" English.
Stunt: Chris and Kym will go on and on about why they should donate to PSC in their trademark indecipherable English until all the people in the coach pay to shut them up (hopefully...because they may, otherwise, they may reosrt to violence).
Danger factor: 5/10. I have watched the 草原快车 advert for a long, long time now and after several months, I have to confess I still have no idea (frustratingly) what Kym and Chris were talking about in the advert and that is after paying close attention. But TV is a different medium. I can just shut it off or change the channel if I want to. In an enclosed environment such as a coach, anything can happen.
Money raised: $50,000 or two corpses.
Stunt #4: Girl-Fight
Stars: Fiona Xie and Joanna Peh
Setting: In a six-sided ring where...ah, crap, that sounds like TNA Wrestling. Anyway, in a six-sided ring where Fiona and Joanne square off mano-a-mano for the Mediacorp Next 阿姐 Championship Belt. They can wear ANYTHING because it's coming off in the catfight anyway.
Stunt: What stunt? They fight. It's hands, feet, make-up, Gucci dresses, D-Cup bras and A-Cup handiplasts. It's melons vs oranges. It's chic vs cheap. It's Singapore's wealthiest undergrad vs Singapore's wealthiest slut. Singapore Pools will be roped in to provide odds for betting, the proceeds of which will go to Temasek Holdings. Nah, kidding, it's go to PSC.
Danger factor: 10/10. Either could come out disfigured, one could come out deflated, neither will come out disgraced because it's all for charity and one has to win the crown of 阿姐 anyway.
Money raised: $1 million, including bets placed. And a bruised ego.
Stunt #5: City Harvest
Setting: Anyway with a big space with a big congregation looking adoringly at YS.
Stunt: YS hands out offering bags to the hordes of devotees for them to put in their tithes. Don't even need to sing.
Danger factor: Zero. Unless some devotees get so into the mood, they are spiritually slain.
Money raised: $10 million.
Oh...seems like there was never any need to even do five stunts anyway...
