Saturday, April 09, 2005
How To Increase The Country's Population

Hahaha,excuse me for a while as I detract from the main topic but something amuses me.It's concerning Chelsea's 4-2 win over Bayern Munich and its aftermath where Chelsea skipper John Terry barracked Michael Ballack for his last minute dive that earned the Germans a penalty,which the Germans then converted,giving them a lifeline in the return leg at Munich.Terry blasted Ballack as a "serial diver" and said that "Diving was something that was not about football in England."There is something seriously flawed about this statement.

Hello,Mr Terry...have you met up with Robert Pires and Patrick Vieira recently?You know,those French maestroes who play down the road at Arsenal who frequently trip over air particles?Perhaps Ballack is an Arsenal fan who is just learning to trip over air like his idols do?So to suggest that diving doesn't take place in England is like saying that English weather is bright and sunny throughout the year.Crap.

And oh,of course,Chelsea is not about diving.Chelsea players actually do rarely dive.So no,they don't cheat.Instead,Chelsea is about obstructing opposing defenders or goalkeepers so that their own players can get free headers in on goal.And of course,they also have a knack of spotting referees talking and making imaginery conspiracies with opposition managers.So let's make this straight:Chelsea never cheats.Never.What they do isn't cheating.It's just called swindling.

Thursday's TNP highlighted a news article (or is it a blog?It's strange that newspapers are capitalising on the blogging phenomenon and calling their news articles "blogs"...so I have one question,if their features are not articles but blogs,shouldn't we be getting them for free?Why are we still paying money to read them on hardcopy?) about declining birthrates in Singapore.Tsk tsk tsk...so sad,all those TV serials and baby incentives and people still don't give a shit about having babies for the nation.

"FOR THE NATION!!!" Boys and girls,men and women...you heard that???It's FOR THE F#$%ING NATION,GET IT???So start copulating,you ingrates (all of you received NSS and ERS so if you are not doing your part,that's being an ingrate).For the married,sex sex sex...just have sex.For the singles,erm sex sex sex,just have sex as well anyway.If you happen to get pregnant,then get hitched or hey,at least you add to the baby statistic...but we don't give a shit about unwed mothers,do we?

I think to get more people to start having babies,the government need to have a rethink in its policies and propaganda...erm,wait,you can't call it propaganda,it's supposed to be called national education.Sorry sorry,wrong word used.Don't arrest me,ok?I already apologised already what.Anyway,here's what I think the government should do:

1) FINE CHILDLESS COUPLES

The monetary incentives obviously don't quite work and who can blame the ordinary Singaporean not being enticed by it.Aiyo,the money can't even used by the couples any-own-how.I heard that it's kept in some Edusave kind of account where you can pay for a kid's this and that and whatever.Wah liao,give me I also don't want lah.I want the money to pay for a 90 inch flatscreen TV,an X-Box and a Bose sound system.Pay for kid's education?Kids should earn their own keep.You don't know how spoiled kids are nowadays.They don't know anything about hardship.

I'd make my kindergarten kid earn his/her own school fees by distributing newspapers before he/she goes off to school.Kindergartens don't start lessons until 8 or 9 anyway what.They can wake up at 5 to distribute papers first.While they're at it,they should also make me breakfast.That's the way parenting should be done.Hard and fair.

Anyway,that's not my main point.If rewards don't work,what do you do?FINE THEM.And fine them hard.If a couple don't have a child within two years of getting married,they get fined $10,000.You then add add $5000 to every subsequent year they still don't have kids...until they go bankrupt.For the ultra-rich,the fine starts from a base of $1,000,000 and add $100,000 to every year.

Another advantage of this...you can add substantial amounts of moolah to the government coffers so that we can pay each of our ministers a $20,000,000 annual salary.Gotta keep ta brains here in S'pore,yo!

2) MAKE PUBLIC EXAMPLES OUT OF CHILDLESS CELEBS

Wah laio,did you see the news,Zoe Tay give his son a Chinese name and it gets a spot on the 9:30 news.You tell me which other nation thinks a TV actress naming her kid is a primetime news item?Uniquely Singapore,man...no matter they think up of that to advertise Singapore to gullible tourists overseas.

But in the same way that we are giving Zoe Tay shameless column space and airtime to let her talk about Brayden and show her breastfeeding (I distinctly remember seeing it on a TV advert...but ahhh,how erotic,I wish I am Brayden during that instance),we should shame those celebs that have married for years but haven't given birth to so much as an egg.Step forward,Lee Nanxing and Yang Libing.You two think you divorce then I forget the two of you childless ah?You think I let the two of you get away with it ah?No way man.

First things first,I think we should honour all those actresses/public figures who get pregnant like nobody's business.Those who get pregnant so often,they are like hold hands can get pregnant type one...so step forward Ivy Lee.I knight you and from hence forth,you shalt be addressed as Sir Ivy Lee.

As for Lee Nanxing and Yang Libing,they should be made a public example of.I suggest public execution.They should be hung at Takashimaya's Civic Plaza in full view of citizens and tourists.To show all of them,in Singapore and in the world,that we take making babies very seriously indeed.In fact,Channel News Asia will even provide a live broadcast of the execution as well as TVMobile...it's everywhere after all.Everybody needs to see how they diefor their extreme act of treachery and treason to the nation...by not giving birth.This will set an example to the ordinary Singaporeans.

And if it doesn't have an effect,we'd just execute more childless celebrity couples.When we run out of those,we then execute the singles.

3) MARRIAGE BY 30 OR DIE LAW

Too many singles on the streets,not good.No babies from them...actually technically not true also since there are unwed mothers all over the place but they don't count since the government don't count them as human beings,they count them as cattle.

Anyway,the government can drastically reduce the number of singles out on the streets by implementing a Marriage By 30 Or Die Law.Yes,male or female,you must marry by 30...or else you will be hanged and your body dumped in Pulau Semakau.Remember that this landfill can hold 63 million cubis metres of rubbish so it can hold a lot of dead singles.Don't push your luck,singletons...or you'd end up as Samara of Semakau.

4) BRING IN THOSE FINE CHINESE LADIES (CHEAPER VIETNAMESE LADIES ALSO CAN)

Hey,come on,we don't have enough people on this island.We also need to widen the gene pool amongst our selves.And what better genes to import than those fine Chinese ladies with their porcelain skin,silky hair,perfect figures and awesome looks.I tell you,in no time,our single men will be copulating like bunnies (and in the process make some fine Chinese/Singaporean babies)...and for once,we won't be the wooden spoonist nation in the annual Durex survey.

Hey,don't you find it a bit weird.All the surveys you see reported,usually they only hightlight those when Singapore voted number ONE.Uno numero.Number one government (VERY IMPORTANT).Number one port.Number one airport.Number one competitive economy.Number one IT infrastructure.Number one myopia nation.Rarely you raed about the surveys where we come in bottom.Like,you know,in press freedom.But lousy in sex...must highlight for the nation to see...some more,frontpage ah,I tell you.

Anyway,I know people have concerns about these fine Chinese kittens making use of our local men and then running away with their hard-earned monies after toying with their feelings (and groins).I got that covered,y'all!When these ladies arrive in Singapore,we immediately confiscate their China passports so they can't leave the country.Even after they become citizens or PRs here,we do NOT issue them passports.No way we let them anywhere near a plane or the causeways.In fact,we even ban them from visiting our surrounding islands to prevent them swimming across to Malaysia or Indonesia.That's how strict we are.是我们的女人就别想逃出我们的组屋区!Hahahahaha...

What a stupid long blog I wrote...adios folks.And good morning,y'all!