Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Let's Get Pretentious

You know the local entertainment scene is in trouble when the biggest star of the moment is an infant barely a month old...yes,step forward Brayden Chionh,the offspring of veteran has-been TV queen Zoe Tay (Am I offending legions of Zoe fans here?But look here,when was the one time she headed a big-budget TV serial...and didn't see it flop?) and RSAF hunk Philip Chionh...not that I really know what Philip looks like,of course.

Brayden,of course,doesn't know what the farce is all about and come on,give the kid a break.He sure didn't choose the name himself but has to grow up with it,that's trauma enough to scar him for a lifetime.The rest of us (The plain old Johns,Peters and Jameses) don't have to suffer the indignity of our primary school friends going..."What kind of a f#$% name is that?".So just be grateful that your parents are dour pusses who didn't bother checking up Celtic dictionaries for names.

Those who read Monday's version of TNP will have found out about other exotic names that our local celebrities gave their precious babies.Pastor Sun Ho...wait,that's Helper Sun "I am not a pastor" Ho and her hubby,Senior Pastor Kong Hee named their son Dayan after Moshe Dayan (I do have a question here.If they wanted to name their son after Mr Dayan,why wasn't he named Moshe instead?Why Dayan?Because it sounds more exotic?).Aaron Aziz named his son "Danish" and said that it meant "Love Of My Life" in Malay.I just wonder which country's Malay is he talking about?American Malay perhaps?And of course, Ivy Lee names her offspring after cartoons...Miki,Dash and Wolverine.

To meet the demand for exotic names by loony parents ("Let's destroy our little boy's life by calling him Focker"),I decided to come up with some good names for the above celebrities for any future offspring they may have...

Aanmatigend Chionh

Good name for Zoe's next boy/girl.Looks impressive and is very meaningful.It's Dutch by the way,which makes it extra-exotic...to find out what it means...simply use Altavista's Babelfish tool to translate it back to English.

Stripperella/Hulk Lee

Ivy Lee is a silly woman to name her daughter after a Disney character.Why would she want people to make a Mickey out of her daughter's name?And Dash?Come on,it'd be horrible if he came in last in a 100m sprint.And Dash is but a silly kid's name anyway.Your boy isn't going to stay a 10 year-old for the rest of his life,you know.On the other hand,you should really name your kids after super-heroes.That's immortal.And it must be a name which can hold up later on in his adult life,something he won't be ashamed of.And what better name than Hulk?He sure won't get bullied..."Don't make me angry,you won't like me when I am angry".And well,if the kid is just one unfit bloke who turns green after running 2.4 km,the name fits too..."He's turning green..."

And Stripperella...woah...the girl will be the most popular lass wherever she goes...

81 Tan

Jack Neo apparently names his kids after hotels.What better name to give to his next kid than one of the greats of the local hotel scene,Hotel 81?Don't laugh,ok!Do you see any other hotels in Singapore with more branches?No,right?Hotel 81 is the real biggie in the local hospitality scene,froget Raffles.Show respect,Jack.

Flame Of The Forest Wu

Allan Wu named his daughter after a herb...not ambitious enough.Why not name a kid after a tree?

Adu Huang

Silly Huang Shinan thought naming his kid after David Beckham is the best thing for his kid.Of course not,you silly bugger.Beckham will be or is a has-been and 10 years from now,nobody will remember who he is.Nobody remembers a footballer for the ads he shot.We only remember the achievements he made,the medals he won or the skills he showed...none of which Beckham has.On the other hand,Freddy Adu is almost universally adknowledged as the greatest talent since Pele and he's only 15.Name your kid after Adu instead and enrol him in a football school.And if he can't cut it as a footballer,at least people might still think you named the kid after Singapore's greatest pop-singer,阿杜.

Swedish Bin Aaron

It means "Love of My Life" in Nigerian Malay.

Hitler/Gates Kong

What's Dayan compared to Hitler?In fact,what's anything compared to Hitler in terms of fame (or is that infamy)?Besides Bill Gates.