Monday, April 18, 2005
Kung Fu Fighting

Last Saturday,my 青梅竹马 (oh,shit,am I starting to have gay tendencies?And if I am,there's no outlet since they cancelled the annual nation party at Sentosa this year.Where can I grab a male butt???) good friend (I refuse to call anyone my best friend since that connotes I prefer certain friends over others.Not true.All friends are equal to me),Bishop (I wrote about him a few posts back.The uptight hunk...gee,am I using a lot of brackets or what?!),finally brought his girlfriend to meet Beast and me for the first time.As all of you (or is that none of you?)know,Bishop and Beast and me have known each other for 22 years.That's more than a lifetime for some of you readers.很深的交情哦.

Anyway,his girlfriend (his first EVER!),Elise,is quite an attractive girl with a very attractive persona.I can see why he was attracted to her.In fact,I can see a lot of guys being attracted to her.But I have to confess that prior to meeting her,I was expecting to meet a WWE wrestler but that's not my fault.

Before meeting Elise,Bishop has always described Elise as a big,broad-shouldered,well built girl.Now...if someone told you that about a girl,what picture would form in your mind?Think of a name...let's reveal it together on the count of three...

ONE

TWO

THREE

Joscelin Yeo!

Right?Or someone like that lah huh?Guess what I saw instead when I first met her.Guess???On the count of three...

ONE

TWO

THREE

林志玲!

Hah!No lah,no way she can look like that but imagine the two side by side and you can tell the difference,right?I was like..."OMG,she's nothing like what he said she's like!"

Anyway,Bishop and Elise's romance is barely a few months old and considering this is Bishop's first ever relationship,I think he is handling it relatively well,although hahah,he still can't seem to handle the dynamics of a relationship...the way couples will think about each other,make choices with the other person in mind and interact.Good luck to him,there's a lot to get used to.But the good thing is that I do think they are compatible and they certainly look good together.

I will be going away for a holiday this coming weekend (starting Friday) with Beast and the couple.It'd be their first getaway together (with two male chaperones,may I add!),it'd be interesting to see how they behave.Bishop does treat me like some kind of a confidante and counsellor and tells me stuff he doesn't tell most people,he even seems to seek my opinion/affirmation about himself and Elise (seems like my opinion matters a lot to him,I think it's probably because I tend to be quite objective and I'm also a good friend...hahahah) so I think I'd certainly like to get to know Elise better to give a more informed opinion.

Back to kung fu fighting,what do I mean to write this time?Nothing much really,it's just the increasingly cheesy special effects in 武侠 martial arts TV serials that is amusing me.

On Saturday, the four of us were in Bishop's house (Elise,Bishop,Beast and the best-looking man in the room,the Magnificent Cyclops) to watch the Pool vs Spurs (EDMAN!!!) match.While waiting for the match to start,Elise was channel-surfing through the channels when she stopped at Channel U's 天龙八步,starring the 50-year-old veteran 林志颖 (JImmy Lin).

At that particular scene,Mr Jimmy apparently was suffering from the effects of some kind of aphrodisiac and was wearing an off-shoulder gown,looking particualrly constipated while a lovely Chinese lass (I don't know the actress's name),also wearing an off-shoulder gown,was all over him,kissing him on his neck and shoulders.The funny thing was,despite having had some aphrodisiac and a woman in heat,Jimmy looks like he'd rather be elsewhere.Why is that so?

I tell you why...from his clothing (the off-shoulder gown...ok,garment) and his reaction,he has confirmed what I always suspected.Ladies and gentlemen,Jimmy Lin is GAY. Make no mistake about it...he was suffering from an aphrodisiac and he still can't bring himself to have sex with a girl.I say give him Tay Ping Hui in that scene and watch him rip the clothes off the back of Tay.Watch Tay scream in agony as Jimmy...erm...this is M18 stuff here...please let me check your IC.

Ok ok,that has nothing to do with kung fu but it's an interesting sidetrack,won't you say?Anyway,the real interesting stuff happens after that.I saw two lao ah peh,erm,I mean master pugilists play 围棋 in mid-air using 气功 and then of course,there is now the de rigueur Matrix sequence where a pugilist is fighting in mid-air and then suddenly everything stops and the camera pans 360 degrees around him.I always wonder for what?So that we can see the guy's head and butt?To showcase the elaborately designed costume?And to be quite honest,I am still quite mystified as to why (and perhaps how) the two lao ah pehs manage to play a game of chess with the board and chess pieces hanging in mid-air (I tell you,the board wasn't even real,those ah pehs' 气功 somehow created lines in mid-air which automatically took on the shape of a chessboard).Because those two ah pehs looked seriously strained pointing their fingers at the chessboard and chess-pieces to keep them afloat.Why couldn't they just use a conventional chess-board?Are they trying to hao-lian or something?But how-lian for whom to see?There was only one disciple around (and he looked more worried than amazed...why?I have no idea.If it was me,I'd be amazed.Somemore,if they were Catholics,I think they might be considered for sainthood by virtue of the miracle they were performing.Hey,even Jesus doesn't play chess in mid-air.) so not as if 林志玲 was standing around there watching them play chess what.Also even if the Taiwanese lass was there,one of those ah pehs was a monk and he cannot 泡马子.Though I'm sure he'd regret being a monk if 志玲 was there...especially when she starts using her 爹 verbal viagra voice.

And besides these,there is also the way these pugilists seem to shoot out energy (which is visible in the form of erm,moving air?How else do you explain the translucent special effects patterns that appear?) from their palms like they are farting.I never get the thrill of this kind of fighting.How can fighting not involve body contact?This kind of duel is like 拳拳不到肉.It's so fake,how can anyone actually take it seriously?Somemore,sometimes when they throw these air punches,you see translucent dragons,phoenixes,tigers,lions,tortoises flying out.Wah liao eh,what kind of kung fu is this???

Another thing is this:If it is so easy to throw air punches,why can't the 朝庭 train their 官兵 to do exactly the same thing?I mean those useless bums usually can fight 20 to 1 against a pugilist and still not last 3 seconds each.The pugilist just need to throw 20 air punches and you see these extras...erm,I mean soldiers fly through the air like nobody's business.How come?What kind of martial arts do they teach these soldiers?Judo ah?That explains why they are so uncomfortable fighting with spears.

I say,teach them soldiers some air-punching and watch those pugilists fly for a change.It's no fun watching all these cliches where 100 soldiers can't defeat 1 man and his dog.If soldiers were really that useless,how did 秦王统一中原?Unless he used an army of air-punchers...

Can I appeal for 古装 TV serial directors to inject a little more realism into their shows?Or is that a general trend now that kung fu has to resemble cartoons where special effects reign over realism?Perhaps it's the demand of audiences to see something a little different.Unfortunately,in a bid to be different,everyone started using specail effects and things now end up looking the same again.How ironic.为了找寻突破却于突破中遇到了瓶颈.What to do?Maybe going back to the basics of real physical fights is the key.But I guess today's actors are too much of a softy to engage in tough physical training eh?