Friday, April 15, 2005
Relentless

I just need to get some things out of my system today before I can start anything.I have been in very poor mood for the past two weeks or so,with many things occupying my mind involving people I care about.I will not deal with specifics here because I will and cannot do so.

I have made decisions this year that has based around the mindset that I wanted to do something different this year,to do things that might make an impact on my life (I wouldn't otherwise go to a speed-date).I don't regret these decisions.If I were to go back to those points in time when I made those decisions,I have no doubt I will do exactly the same thing.It's just that the impact or after-effects of those actions have been relentless.

It's not that these impacts or after-effects are bad.No,because at this point in time,I cannot tell.I set out doing these things with the intention that it'd have a good ending.It's just that I never anticipated the costs (not just financial but also mental) would be so much,that it is much much bigger than I thought they'd be.

These costs have escalated,somewhat beyond the threshold that I can take.I do not blame anyone because if there is anyone that I should ever blame,it should only be myself.Everything is a choice.I made choices that maybe better judgement would have stopped me doing so,swept up by the moment.Those are holes that I've dug for myself then and I blame no one.

But there have also been instances when I felt slightly betrayed.That I have not been protected by people I care about because their self-interest blinded them at that point in time.Can I blame them?I don't know.Maybe I should blame myself for not been sharper in mind and thought to back-off or shield myself where necessary.

Whatever it is,what's done is done.I just needed to say all these things on my mind,even though talking about it doesn't help at all.The end-results of these actions are still nowhere in sight.So whether my intended good endings will come to fruition is still a major moot point.I don't know how things will end up.Maybe I don't care anymore if they end up good or bad.I just want them to end.

This year will likely be a landmark year for me.Either it will be a very good year or it will be a very painful year for me.I have almost no doubt that there can be no inbetween within these two extremes.I hope it will be good.I can live with it if it is bad.But let me have an answer and please do NOT escalate the costs inflicted on me anymore.

I have not ate well nor slept well.I have become very bad-tempered/frustrated and don't want to talk too much because I really do not wish to talk.I have been trying to solve each problem (as they come) to the best of my abilities.But they just keep coming and coming.I solve one thing,another comes.I solve the next thing,another new one crops up.

When will this end?

God,why do you do this to me?

There is only so much I can take.And I think I am coming towards the end of my limits.God,save me because no one else can.Please.