Friday, November 25, 2005
Oh Elaine,Where Art Thou?
Why do I say that everything points towards an Elaine (Have I accidentally coined a phrase here?Could guys of future refer to their lovers as their Elaines?)?Oh well,there seems to be more and more Elaines coming into my life.There is possibly a new colleague named Elaine coming into my branch,I know Elaine the chemist and erm,there were several other instances of Elaines flying all over the place.Heck,some DBS call-centre girl named Elaine served me sometime last week.ELAINE!!!THE NAME OF MY BANE!!!
And wherever and whoever you are,get your butt back here by my side,Elaine.Don't make me keep on looking for you!Anyway,if anyone of you fellows know an Elaine,tell her that she's supposed to be my wife.That's no escape.It's destiny,baby...DESTINY!!!!HAHAHAHAHA.What a nutter.
Well,besides this Elaine stuff bothering me,it's really getting quite amusing being a single on the wrong side of 20s.First off,your parents will not leave you alone.
Recently,a cousin of mine got married (the one that looks like a Malay girl) and my aunt,together with my mum,found it a perfectly great idea to introduce someone (a relative from God-knows-where) to me at the wedding dinner itself.I,of course,had no idea what the hell was going on but anyway,there I was,busy doing nothing but minding my own bleeding business when my aunt suddenly pulled this girl out of nowhere,right in front of my entire family (mum,pop,bro and sis-in-law in tow) and went,"Hi,let me introduce to you Lily!"
And my aunt then graciously introduced my name wrongly and I stood there like a dumbstruck mutt.I mean...what the heck was I supposed to say?In front of me mum and pop and bro and sis-in-law?!
Do I go "Yo,babe,you ROCK!"?Or do I immediately grab her hand and look into her eyes and say "Let's go somewhere,I'd REALLY wanna KNOW you..." or I manage a sheepish "Erm,hi...nice to meet you"?Guess which path I took?Hey,there's my parents down there,you know.I'm not going to start talking trash (like I usually do) and have them look at me and think "That is NOT my son..."
That's not the end of the story anyway.My aunt and mum had the two of us exchange numbers and well,out of courtesy,I sent her an SMS the next day apologising for the previous night's awkwardness.You know what the girl replied?
Yeah,I understand...by the way,I answer emails more quickly than I reply SMSes so email me instead.
Does she carry a wireless laptop all over Singapore while keeping her handphone at home?So I emailed for a short introduction (a few days later and that was after my mum pestered me about it) and got no reply.
What the hell?!What's this?!Balls lah.I mean I do find this a bit rude and anyway,你是谁啊，小姐?If you are Boob Girl,then I will really be hard-up for you...but what the hell,you are what?!
Boob Girl...with various other boobs
Oh well,anyway,whatever.I still got my Smurfette after all.Ah now,Smurfette,the wife who doesn't even know she's my wife.She's quite a bit of fun for me in the Office.I don't know whether the X-Men in the Office really think I am besotted with her or are playing along with me.I do think she's attractive,probably quite a lovely girl and she's cute (nice Bambi eyes)...but not cute enough for me to go "Awshucks" and go nuts over her.My ex was prettier than her and look how that turned out.You don't need to breakups to figure out that while looks do matter up to a certain degree,ultimately in the greater scheme of things,it really does mean sh*t all.
Old big Bambi eyes
In truth,I believed I just talked a load of crap.Not about the looks part but the Smurfette part.I mean seriously,if she was nice and good and we hit it off really great,do I seriously think I would give up the chance of a home run with a SYT (Sweet Young Thing)?If I did,I'd be a schmuck and be reborn as another hero,Aquaman.
Aquaman...that's what being womanless does to youBut there are serious differences between us,I mean,come on,who in the world idolises 陶鸡鸡 (AKA 陶吉吉).Look,the guy got such a weird name,I can't even find it in the Chinese language module in Windows and have to type 吉 twice just to get his name right.
She's got to improve her taste in music,man.You know,something like switch from some paedophilic middle-aged R&B ABC chrooner (陶鸡鸡) to the world's premier tantric sex guru (Sting).I take my music seriously,you know...
Hmmm...just wanted to talk about something else in the office.
Yesterday,Banshee and his stooge,Deelite came around and started talking about a lot of stuff.Later today,Jean Grey told me about something they said about Iceman and how he is a snitch and all.Coming from someone as amoral as Banshee is,that's a bit rich.And Deelite is hardly fit to talk about other people as well,I don't think he's much of a saint himself.
What a snitch looks like...a lot like Banshee actually
Yes,I NEVER did like either Banshee or Deelite from the very beginning since I came here.To me,they are sneery,self-righteous pricks with a hideously massive overdose of superiority complex.If I meet them on the streets and I didn't know them,I'd have knifed them.Seriously.
Now I'm not going to say anything about Iceman.I believe nobody's an angel.Everybody's got their flaws.Me for instance,I'm a foul-mouthed,un-self-aware and unapologetic prick who's liable to offend a lot of people without consciously knowing it (till it's a little too late at least).I'm glad my friends can live with me because I wouldn't live with myself.
But these two individuals...I wonder do they know how callous and self-righteous they come across?It's like everything they do,say or believe is the right thing.Are they even self-aware?
Ahhh...ok,enough about girls and office matters already.Let's talk some serious bull.
I'm sure you guys all know about this Aussie guy called Van something (Van Nistelrooy?) who got the balls to smuggle 400g of high-grade narcotics into our country but got no balls to face the death penalty gift which we,the citizens of Singapore,give to anyone with the balls to bring in 400g of high-grade narcotics into our good land.
Or maybe he did have the balls.But his good fellow Aussies didn't want him to face the music because of his sob story (smuggled to settle his brother's [name Van Persie?] debt...you know blah blah blah...情非得已...只怕我自己会爱上你...oh,wrong 成语 ah?Sorry lah,you know Singaporeans all banana one) so Aussies think he should be exempted from such a barbaric act like execution.Or is it because he got Aussie passport?Or else how come we execute people for so many years happy happy and they bochap,then suddenly Van Nistelrooy kena and they cry like we executing Pope like that?
Bloody hell,while I not pro-PAP,I am for Singapore.These chao ang mohs ah.You are guest,you come to my home,you obey my house rules,understand?You disrespect my rules and you expect me to forgive you?Give you a pat on the back and say,come back and maybe try again?You think I a-gua,is it?Can bully me then screw me up the backside for good measure?Go screw yourself,understand,you #$%^*.
Suddenly got a lot of irate ang mohs (of course,also got reasonable ang mohs who understand and respect our house rules lah) write in to ST Forum and start lambasting our government.One Mr Peter Lowe tells us to better be careful,that we are offending every single Australian and might kena economic sanctions.Mr Lowe,don't talk cock lah,you.You are every single Australian ah?Or you mean you fathered every single Aussie around?And economic sanctions?Fcuk,you mean no air-pork?!Die lah like that.
And don't talk to me about his sob story or the crime not befitting the punishment,ok?Your brother got debt then you can anyhow 乱来 is it?So got debt can justify take money to become a hitman and take someone out lah?Or to rob elderly lah?But killing someone different mah and rob 老人 don't kena death penalty anyway.It's not as if drugs kill directly,right?Duh?Must wait for someone to OD then can ah?Ignore social costs at meantime lah.These Aussies really chill too much already siah.
To add insult to injury,Mr Chee Soon Juan go and ask other foreign countries to also lobby against us.Capital punishment barbaric.Some smart-aleck reader write to Today Forum say Mr Chee (I suddenly wish his mum named him Chee B**) only trying to improve the drug laws here.
Far as I see it,I think the laws are fine.Keeps this place relatively drugs-clean.If we let every Tom,Dick and Harry get away with everything,there'd be a free-for-all here man.The drug transit capital of the world anyone?So what's there to improve?I only think Mr Chee 吃里爬外,trying to get some international political mileage out of this rubbish.Opportunist.Didn't ever remember you publicly rising this issue previously.
Ok ok ok,I think I scold enough for one night liao.Have so much venom in my veins...no wonder I born in year of snake.I think I need to go back to Smurffy's embrace.
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Wednesday, November 16, 2005
All I Want For Christmas
Ok,I might be one and a half months early but hey,best wishes are never too early right?And I'm sure my loyal readers (yes,that might be an entire population of ONE but it's a distinguised one...stand up,K*@+ Y**.And stop emailing me to pester me to update my blog,I've had it with you,old fart) are all anxiously waiting for my next amazing entry,right?
Sorry,nothing amazing is forthcoming from me.I am just seized by the entire year-end holiday mood thing that's pervading all over the Office.And of course,Yule-tide is almost upon us.
So for this festive season,I think I'd just be a little childish and ask for some Christmas presents from good old Santa Claus.Have any of you seen the actual Santa?I bet none of you have!Beneath all that beard,make-up and suit lies a REAL person and for the very first time in blogging history,I will reveal his true identity...this is a picture taken of him sans all the elaborate get-up.
Santa says "HIYA!"...
Wow,I hear the exclamation and audible gasps from all.Who else were you expecting?PAPa Santa is gonna distribute goodies to us all again come the end of the year because hey,it's Yule-tide and Vote-time!!!Get your pens ready and fill in the little crosses appropriately and get ready for some GREAT presents!!!
Dearest Santa,let me just give you a fair deal,ok?You help fulfill my wishlist and I'd give you my little cross and hey,you get your job back.If not,well...I can't do anything because don't think I'd get to vote anyway since it'd probably be a walkover (YAWN...Zzzzzzz).
But that's not the point...the point is in my wishlist.Since you can open MRT stations for fun and call all government slaves to take low bonuses (behdeh one lah).I'm sure you can grant my tiny little wishes with ease.And they are:
1) Give everyone 1000 SRS lah.Don't stingy leh.Santa so rich and PAPa got deep pockets.And it's good for you,can just buy your job back mah.
2) Scrap the bloody S League lah,waste taxpayers money...might as well redistribute the wealth.After 10 years and you got what...an average attendance of 3,000?How some bloke came up with a market value of $200 million (or is it $20 million) is beyond me.You mean kelong market so big ah?)
Don't know what they doing...looks like football...
3) Jail all intolerant people.Recently we got all sorts of people writing to ST Forum complaining about all kinds of shit.For example:
MacDonald's CHICKEN RICE BURGER (wah seh...new burger siah) got Chinese wording:Racist (Wah lau eh,so your Made-in-Malaysia 枇杷膏 confirm racist one...all Chinese wording.I think we used to call stuff like these "packaging"?Aiyo,I better be careful here lah.Got phantom online vigilante complain to police but don't dare to show face one.Sekali get jailed how?Stand up for what you believe in?HAHAHA!)
The Big M sells this in burger form...
People who wear t-shirts with printed words calling other people "idiots" or showing pictures of middle fingers:Dickheads (Oh well,they could well be...but still better than dickheads with ZERO sense of humour.Anything also offensive,I think put Paris Hilton's eye-brow on t-shirt,they'd also complain lewd...I suggest go live in North Korea lah.Only see Kim Jong-Il.Nothing to complain about,the guy so handsome after all)
Wear this in Singapore and someone will find something to complain about...
Handsome N.Korean bloke on the right...fcuk off BYJ...
Bollywood film-makers in city,block off road for filming: Chao fcuking foreigners inconveniencing locals (True but aiyo,like that,how to become Asia Hollywood?How to develope film industry?Last time,Tom Cruise shoot Vanilla Sky,NY close down entire Times Square for him.Here?Close down Geylang Lane 2 already complain like crazy...fcuk lah.Asia Hollywood?Stick to cartoons (AKA "animation") better.)
Bollywood?Go shake your shapely arses in Mumbai,not Lau Pa Sat...
4) Give opposition another small ward lah.Just give chance a bit,make people a bit happier and also create false excitement.Pretend to lose Pulau Ubin or Pulau Tekong GRC lah.Good for me and good for you mah.I feel hopeful that Singapore politics really still got hope and well,you get to create false hope.
5) Last wish:I very not greedy one,only made 5 wishes.Kidnap Chiling,bring her here and give her PR status and force her under gunpoint to marry me.But then again if you accede to my request,we'd have all sorts of people asking you to kidnap Halle Berry,Bae Yong Jun,Keira Knightley,Ayumi Hamasaki and Prince Charles here and force them to marry assorted kinds.Not a good precedent.We are living in Singapore after all,not North Korea.WE AIN'T A DICTATORSHIP!!!
*Sob* I guess I just have to make do with Chiling's pics.
Alert: Next target for abduction by me...
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