Monday, June 26, 2006
Little Thoughts

A week is a long time when everything around you seems to be going off at the same time. Especially when most, if not all, the things in question are bad...

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My fears, indeed, my mum's fears have been realised. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer and the tumour is malignant. There are fears that it might have spread to the skin and she is undergoing tests to ascertain whether other parts of her body has been affected. She has been scheduled to undergo surgery on 5th July where her left breast and one of her lymph nodes will be removed. It has not been an easy time.

I was in the room when the news was first broken to my mum. As I was sitting behind her, I could not see her reactions much. I had to credit the doctor for delivering the news matter-of-factly. I guess he must do it quite often and he was extremely careful. But even then, I was still stunned when the news hit. Speechless, I gazed at the floor, not sure how to react.

Upon our exit from the room, I finally saw my mum's face for the first time. Were those tears I saw welling in her eyes? I was not sure, but she was not taking it well.

"I always knew I'd get it. My whole family's got it. Take care of yourself, I can't always be here for you," she lamented.

And all I could do was put an arm around her, comfort her and say, "It's ok. The doctor already it's a mid-scale operation. You'd be alright once the tumour is removed."

Which is true. The proviso is that it has not spread beyond the breast. It should not.

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The visits to the hospital are frequent and I have been the one taking up the majority of the load. Fatique (emotional, mental and physical) has crept into my being unbeknown. I do not resent the responsibility but it ebbs the life out of me sometimes. Someone's got to do it though and it's much better that it's me. I probably won't be the one sending her to the hospital's day surgery centre on the 5th or bringing her home on the 6th, but I will definitely visit her after work. Least I could do.

The emotional drainage comes when I listen to her (while she's with me) talk about wills and what she would leave for me when she goes. It's difficult to listen to this when all I am thinking of is to get her well. The contradiction grates. So I am glad when my brother and sister-in-law has been coming home everyday and occupying my mum's time. It allows me some quiet time alone when I can get away from things and not think about them. My mood has not been good and it's not looking like an amelioration is in order.

My brother and sister-in-law coming home everyday has presented an interesting dilemma due to my sister-in-law's overzealousness (it's my mum's complaint) but you have to see where's she coming from. It's much better to care than to be detached.

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I remain scornful of my dad and sometimes, feel justifiably so. The man seems more worried about money than anything else. Come off it. My mum is the 68-year-old woman who's still working to maintain a steady cash inflow while he has been arching back in his armchair enjoying home comforts for years now. I do not say he doesn't deserve it but he should be mindful that his toiling wife deserves a little better from him.

My mum's condition has, of course, rendered her unable to work for at least a little while, although she did reverse her earlier decision to resign. So she's simply on no-pay leave now. I do not deny it would be the right thing for her if she had resigned, even though it would mean I will be the sole breadwinner and financial burdens will be, all the more, heftier. It is the right thing.

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I am seething, readers, for my transfer has been annulled. Through no fault of my own. I reproduce for you a sanitised version of an e-mail sent to me.

Hi Cyclops,

As spoken, your management has earlier given us a directive to freeze all postings till after event ABC in view of your department's heavy involvement in the coming big event. As a result, TCSS Department has decided to take in their second choice who can be appointed immediately. As mentioned, even after your department decides to make an exception for you, TCSS was reluctant to change their mind. I'm sorry that this posting did not get through as you desire. We will help get the posting for you now that your department is agreeable to make the exception for you.

Why would you renege on your stand? And if you won't let me go, don't go around giving me nice talks about giving my all while waiting for my oppportunity to leave. The "exception" they made only highlights an organisation that doesn't know what it wants or what it is doing. And in the first place, nobody was aware of such a directive, so in the process, I am denied a perfectly legitimate and great opportunity.

The worse thing was that this whole episode went past me without anybody informing me about it. I had to e-mail the manpower department in question before they finally revealed the truth to me. This is my move, my transfer and you deem it acceptable that I be kept in the dark about it?! If I had not the sense to ask, would I be waiting for months on end with no answers in sight? How very professional! You can consume my fragrant turd, you motherfcukers.

I am seething and vindictive. Someone will pay for this. There will be blood on my cleaver.

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I do not much like it when people write or talk to me in condescending tones, which is what Wolverine did to me and Magma today in an e-mail. While I cannot speak for her, my initial thoughts were, "Who the fcuk do you think you are?". You are but at the same level as me so don't pretend otherwise.

Jean Grey did complain to him about the way he writes his e-mails before. I am on the end of it now. I will hit him back.

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I have decided to make my move on Gerrie when I will tell her about my thoughts and feelings the next we meet (if I manage to pin her down to an appointment). Success or not, it at least permits me to move on.

Do I give up too easily? I don't know but a seemingly infinite wait isn't exactly a tasty proposition.