Tuesday, June 27, 2006
WC Revelations
1. Asia is truly 亚洲病夫
Four places in the WC and guess what? All flushed down the toilet bowl after the first round. You have to wonder why the continent is lobbying to receive even more places. Let's look at the performances.
Iran proves once again that the only way they can win or draw a WC match is if they threaten to nuke the opposing nation if they actually won (Mexico didn't buy the bait because half the population is working illegally in the US anyway. Angola complied straight away with the Iranians' order and gave them a draw. As for the Portuguese, the Iranians were too busy trying to copy their greasy hairstyles to submit the demand on time).
Japan is great to look at...literally. It's a team made up of hot metrosexuals (with equally hot mei mei fans) who don't know how to play football. Should have tried sumo or started a career as a Japanese porn actor, Mr Nakata. You look the part.
Saudi Arabia's only reason for being at the WC is to increase the goal scoring average of matches. With them, you get classics like the 8-0 drubbing by Germany during 2002 and a similar 4-0 scoreline against Ukraine. So how could we do without them? With them, the average number of goals per game is 5.78. Without them, it's 1.25. It's obvious. We need them.
Saudi Arabia: The WC just isn't the same without them.
And what about South Korea? What about them?!They won against the only African team that doesn't know how to play football, drew against a team that doesn't know what a goal looks like and lost against a nation known for its chocolate, watches, secret bank accounts and the Alps. What a great footballing nation...and I still have not forgiven that jerk Ahn Jung-Hwan for scoring against Togo and making me lose money.
Ahn Jung-Hwan: Good for scoring against Togo, running naked on beaches and making me lose money only.
2. The greatest actors in the world are of Italian descent
Come on, you know the great Italian actors. You can name them. It's so damn easy...
Marcello Mastroianni, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Leonardo DiCaprio, Roberto Benigni, Francesco Totti, Fabio Grosso.
For Signor Grosso truly proved his mettle last night. Proved that, once again, when it comes to the great art of theatre, the Italians are unparalleled craftsmen. It's in their blood. It's so much a part of them, they can't wait for a chance to show off anytime, anywhere they can. And so Signor Grosso puts on a performance that De Niro would be hard-pressed to come up with. God, I can't wait for Oscar season already...there can only be one winner.
Fabio Grosso: Great Italian thespian, part-time footballer.
3. You don't need looks nor charisma to reel in mei meis
Please take a look at this face, gals, and tell me you don't want to shag this man's brains out. Ohhh, that receding hairline, that genial grin, that pale and pasty complexion and those wire-rimmed glasses. It screams SEXXX (with 3 Xs)! Ok, only if you are a member of the SAVH.
Why oh why then, does Sven-Goran the man get to go hot and heavy with some of the finest looking women on the planet? It's not his looks. And it can't be his charisma. The man makes the bench look animated when he's sitting on it during matches. Unless, well, you like talking to and making love with inanimate bodies. So what can it be?
Well, I guess he must have a Bazooka hidden in his pants and he uses it to threaten women so that he can ravish them.
4. Singapore men: Best in Asia
Amidst all the mediocre Asian men on display in the WC, one man has stood out to be the Best Of the Best (aka BOB). Step forward, BOB (aka Shamsul Maidin)! BOB has shown that Singapore men are the best specimens of Asian manliness during the WC.
Cool, smart, unhurried and always ready with a red card (red is, after all, the colour of passion and we, Singapore men, are full of passion and full of luuurve...so come on for some luuurving, ladies), the man is pure poetry in motion. He gives Asian men a good name they doesn't deserve (except we Merlion men, of course).
But above all, he showcases what fine specimens Singapore men are. So women of Asia, come come to Singapore now and let us, Singapore men sow our pedigree seeds in your holy loins. Spread the good genes around. Before long, by 2050, the WC will only be officiated by Singapore men...but we still won't be able to send a team to play in the WC.
BOB: This way to Singapore men, ladies of Asia!
5. Africans have the best names
Gilles Yapi Yapo, Chouki Ben Saada, Marc Zoro, Joao Mamona Lama, Antonio Lebo-Lebo...the names just roll off the tongue...
Hang on a second, we are the land of Beckham Huang so who are we to criticise? I am just waiting to name my daughter Sharapova really...
Maria Sharapova: My daughter will be named after her and she better looks like her as well...
6. Kopitiams are for eating, not watching football
Especially when the kopitiam is fcuking downstairs and during the 3 am match, every time a goal is scored, those nocturnals scream at the top of their voices "GOOOOAAALLL!!!" while the rest of us are sleeping.
GOAL YOUR BLOODY HEAD LAH, @#$%^&*.
