Wednesday, September 28, 2005
My Music

I just wanna start this post with this statement - I think it's important to listen to all kinds of music (no matter how biased you might be against certain genres of music) in order to be more well-rounded in one's appreciation and taste of the musical arts.

I never appreciated nor understood this until my second year in university when,of all people,a Christian helper pointed this out to me.Before he talked to me about this,I had mainly listened to rock and rap music (not the regular radio pop though).I learnt to dabble in other genres (stuff like classical,new age,jazz and etc) after this piece of advice and I am glad I heeded this piece of advice.Because,otherwise,I wouldn't have opened my ears (and horizons) to the spectacular beauty of other forms of music.

Still,I believe that everybody will have his/her favourite artistes who play music that speaks to them(hmm,but then again,I'd like to know exactly what Sylvester Sim's fans think of their idol's music [besides "good good good,it's very good"...BAH!Talk to my hand].I'd like to know how 祥龙十八掌 affects them.).Everyone will have his/her favourite pieces of music/songs that he/she will revisit again and again for solace,comfort or whatever.

I am no different.There are certain singers and bands that I particularly like and which I'd like to introduce to y'all.So for this post,I'd list out my top ten favourite artistes whom I like and also explain why.You'd see that they all hail from the pop and rock music arena because well,I guess my main listening staple still consists of popular music.Anyway,as regards to the other genres of music,I find myself liking pieces rather than artistes/composers so it wouldn't make sense to say I like Piotr Tcahikovsky particularly when all I enjoy are a few particualr pieces of his.

Anyway,here goes...in alphabetrical order:

The Divine Comedy

There was one particular occasion in the Office when Colossus was over at my cubicle and he overheard me putting the Divine Comedy on my speakers.

He asked me if I was listening to it and I was like "Yeah...of course..." and he replied by saying that it didn't sound like my type of music.

Hmmm,really?

I guessed I must be really getting pigeonholed as regards to the type of music that I listen to.

Well,I can't really blame anyone with the amount of loud,noisy rock music I blare out like Oasis and Ash...but,I would just like to clarify that the Divine Comedy's music is also exactly the type of music I enjoy listening to:Big brassy orchestral pop...with lyrical edge.

The Divine Comedy is made up of Neil Hannon and his various merry men (to be honest,I think,besides himself,he does not really have a consistent band line-up).Taking after the fine big band traditions of Scott Walker and Burt Bacharach,TDC marries fine melodies with big orchestral arrangements and sharp,clever and droll lyrics about love and life...and sex.

I never really got into them until 1996 when I got hold of their fourth album,Casanova,after reading good reviews about them in NME...and well,I became an instant fan,collecting every single one of their releases since then.

The reason why I love them so much is ,as I mentioned before,the fine orchestral arrangements they embellish with msot of their melodies and the droll lyrics.I guess it's nothing more than quintessential British wit but it's still a treasure.

Erasure

There is a place in the world for all kinds of music. Music such as angry nihilistic metal by the likes of Slipknot or furious dancefloor pounders by groups such as The Prodigy. There is also (self-)righteous old school rock by ageing rockers like U2 and nasty but amusing (as long as you don't take the content too seriously) rap by rappers like Eminem. And finally,there is also shiny fluffy disposable synthetic pop such as Erasure's.

There might be more than a few snotty alternative rock connoisseurs (shit,I actually do consider myself a pretentious rock critic too,ok some might prefer to call it discerning but come on,pretentious IS pretentious lah) who would sniff at the music Erasure plays and argue that they're worthless as a band.

My argument to that is this:I think everybody needs a great big happy singalong chorus every once in a while (especially when you are feeling damn good or when you need something to cheer you up) and Erasure delivers these in abundance.

Erasure is full of big catchy hooks and every Erasure album contains at least a few life-saving choruses that will likely have one humming happily along,nothing more but also nothing less.And in that may lie one of pop music's greatest functions:To simply bring joy to its listeners.

I do not deny that the function of music should extend beyond the simplicity of bringing joy through cheerful melodies and sound but I think there will be times when we do not want to think so much and want to just enjoy music at its most basic level.

And Erasure scores big on that count...even though you probably won't remember most of what they had sung after the song is over.

Jay Chou 周杰伦

I am a huge fan of Chinese pop music and I sincerely believe that Chinese pop melodies are among the best in the world in terms of catchiness but the scene also suffers from a serious lack of originality and innovativeness.

In fact,the Chinese pop music scene has such a serious lack of originality that anyone who offers a fresh sense of what pop music can sound and be like is instantly touted as someone who can "save" the Chinese music scene (as if it needs saving).

Well,Jay Chou is a big deal in the Chinese pop scene and is the only Chinese artiste in my list.The reason why I only have one Chinese performer in my list is really simple...I can't tell the rest apart.Everyone is either doing derivative R&B or ballads.And tell me how many Chinese pop songs do NOT begin with piano tinkling or an ah beng disco beat?There is also no variations at all when it comes to song arrangements.

Well,has anyone noticed that I haven't actually talked about Chou much so far?That is because I believe that Chou has already run out of tricks and surprises in his arsenal.His music has begun to sound extremely samey to me nowadays.For an artiste who seems to stake his reputation on being ahead of his competition and being innovative,it sure rings pretty hollow.

But I still have to say that Chou remains streets ahead of most of his competition in the Chinese pop scene and he's the only one whose releases I purchase on a consistent level...even though that speaks less about him than the current state of the Chinese pop scene right now.

Mika Nakashima 中岛美嘉

Lovely Mika is something of an anomaly in J-pop for two reasons.

First,she has a low husky voice which is very different from the thin squealing baby chick voice (I did not coin this myself,it was a Jap female friend of mine who said this to me) that characterise many a J-pop female artiste(refer Ayumi Hamasaki).

Secondly,she is a chart-topper who dabbles heavily into jazz.

Mika's liking for a jazzy sound in her music is the precise reason why I like her so much (ok,besides the fact that she looks good and I'd like so very much to smooch and cuddle her).In my opinion,it is very difficult to find a J-pop chick (see also Chihiro Onitsuka 鬼束千寻) who isn't doing predominantly electronic J-pop or J-rock and this is what makes Mika so unique.

But then again,that doesn't explain why I chose Mika and not Chihiro.

The key difference between these two is the way they present their music and the tunes each chooses to tackle.

While I also enjoy the sounds of Chihiro,she performs predominantly ballads which,while soothing,can feel extremely tedious after a while.Mika tends to mix her songs up to make her music more palatable,mashing in jazzy tunes with more generic electronic dance tunes and slow rock songs so that there is a greater range to enjoy within each release.

And it helps,of course,that Mika can sing pretty well and is miles cuter than Chihiro!

Morrissey

Morrissey is what we'd call a 'miserablist'.That is,someone who is so miserable,he probably finds joy in it.

But it would be absolutely no fun to listen to a miserablist if he/she was just plain miserable.

Anybody can be miserable,you don't need a genius to be that. But a miserablist who is smart enough to see his own nature and joke about it.That's different.Because he has perspective and is interesting.He isn't simply trapped in his miserablism and can see through it,realising the joys and pitfalls in misery even while he is wallowing in it.Morrissey kind of sounds like that.He is possibly the poster boy for millions of pimply teens trapped in their own bedrooms without a boyfriend/girlfriend.

At least in the 90s,that is.

Morrissey was in the great Brit band,the Smiths before going solo and that's way before I discovered him.If you understood and heard the sounds of the Smiths,you'd basically know what Morrissey is all about.I do believe that despite the sparkling melodies that Morrissey and his band can conjure all,he is an acquired taste...because once you look beyond the music,not everyone may find his lyrics to his/her taste.

The reason why I enjoy Morrissey is because I think there will always be times in one's life when one will feel miserable and need some miserable (but tuneful) music to listen to.In order to soothe his/her soul and feel just that bit better again...because well,someone out there understands and have written a song that talks about your feelings.

And the Mozzer is extremely good at conveying the feelings of the rejected,depressed and afraid.Sometimes it almost feels like he is just describing (your) life as it is...and he can be extremely observational and funny about it.

Droll words,sad sentiments and sweet music.These are strange bedfellows indeed.But in the hands of the Mozzer,they usually (but not always,not recently anyway) come in one glorious whole.

Nine Inch Nails

One word sums up NIN:Angry.

And NIN can be very angry...so much so that since their debut (or is it really just Trent Reznor since like TDC's Neil Hannon,he simply has a rotating squad of musicians around him to fulfill his vision) in 1988,they've been basically repeating the same themes of anger and alienation over and over again (it begs the question of why he is so angry...but then again,if he has been doing it for something like 17 years,at least he obviously believes in it).

Now isn't that boring,you say.How can I listen to the same nihilistic and angry shit for the past 17 years?

Well,just like I believe everyone needs their staples of happy and miserable music,I also believe one needs angry music sometimes...if nothing,for the pure purpose of catharsis.

And NIN is pretty great at channeling the release of pent up anger.

I have to confess that I have been listening to NIN a lot these past fews days,coming to a week.And somehow it always feels good listening to Reznor singing (or howling?) angrily about the obvious themes of alienation,betrayal,fcuked up authority and well,the anonymous humdrum of "soul-killing" daily life routines.Dress these words up in buzzsaw guitars,industrial machinery noises and glorious melodies and one is good to go.

Exorcise your demons.

Primal Scream

1994 was a watershed year for British rock music.It was the year Britpop broke big.It was the year Oasis came into being.It was the year Blur released their best album,Parklife and a year before,Suede showed the way with its stylish rock (I am clearly a big fan of Britpop yeah?).

Out of a myriad of bands that appeared and jumped onto this bandwagon was another band that strangely got tagged onto the Britpop wave despite having debuted years earlier and had released its influential Screamadelica album in 1992.

Step forward,Primal Scream.

The Scream only really came into being (and my attention) with 1997's Vanishing Point which was unfairly ignored by many because it co-incided with The Prodigy's The Fat of The Land LP that year.But well,class is permanent and form is temporary.

While The Prodigy is a spent force now,The Scream has been getting (strangely) stronger with each passing release despite their advancing age.If Vanishing Point was edgy dance rock,The Scream's latter two releases XTMNTR and Evil Heat were genuine mind-fcuks.Edgy beyond edginess and angry beyond anger.They are a band with a message,who genuinely believes in what they have to say (unlike the cowardly Manic Street Preachers...nice prose but it's all in the head,not the heart) and for that,I respect and love their music.

Pulp

Pulp looks like a group of Average Joes and plays synthetic sounding pop music with singalong choruses.No big deal here.But in Jarvis Cocker,they also have one of the sharpest minds in modern pop music.

To be sure,Cocker really isn't much to look at.He wears Joe Public spectacles and looks gangly and unsightly.He can't even really sing.But one look at his lyrics and maybe you can understand the gist of why he's special and has made Pulp special in the hearts of many as well.

Pulp sings about the lives of Average Joes,the underclass and underprivileged like they've lived it...and hey,they probably really did.Many of their songs connect with the "Common People" (to borrow the title of their most famous song) and they speak uncommonly well to a wide level of audiences,though particularly to the man in the street.Taking the stance of a bystander who is forever standing at a street corner,making sharp observations about life as it went along,Pulp is never pretentious as they go about singing about life and its various minute details.And therein lies their appeal...and the precise reason I like them so much.

The band is,of course,part of the 1994 Britpop cohort although they had appeared on the scene years earlier.But while Oasis is on their last legs and Blur have faded into a cartoon called Gorillaz (how sad is that?Damon Albarn is nothing but a cartoon),Pulp is still well-liked and well-respcted by critics.As I said:Class is permanent.

Radiohead

Radiohead is another member of the Britpop cohort but unlike most of the rest of their fellow Brit bands, this band garnered worldwide respect through their releases and then became increasingly weird (other bands just faded away).

In 1995 and 1997,Radiohead released their two greatest LPs,The Bends and OK Computer which put them on the map of global rock.

The Bends still sounds fresh today as the band tries to catapult into the status of global rock giants.The LP made a nod or two towards the direction of U2 (when you try to do a U2,you make clear your ambitions) but the band never makes concessions with its lyrics.

U2 may write in simple platitudes but Radiohead has always been abstract with their words,allowing you to make your own interpretations as to what the band is really talking about.I think sometimes,it's important to trust that your audince is smart enough to get it and not have to spoonfeed them in every single way possible.And I love Radiohead for taking that stance.

Their words are never easy to understand and you have to do a bit of research to understand the meaning.But when you do get it,I think you're all the better for it.For instance,much of Kid A was influenced by Naomi Klein's book,No Logo.

I can't talk about Radiohead without making a mention of OK Computer of course.One of the greatest rock albums of the 90s,its beauty is still unsurpassed and unmatched by any today(nice try,Coldplay but you ain't good enough).And the words...well,the words (about modern paranoia,alienation and disconnectedness)...read George Orwell's 1984 to get a feel of what they might be on about.

Anyway,Radiohead has kind of degenerated into a sub-standard Aphex Twin tribute band these days and that's a shame...just go back to what you guys do best.

Rock.

Shena Ringo 椎名林檎

Shena is unpredictable,raw and edgy and is probably the most avant garde mainstream artiste in Japan today.Her music is not an easy listen and her song structuring can be so all-over-the-place,I have trouble following it,but I also think therein lies her appeal.Because she is not for every person.She is a niche that more than a few would give a miss if they didn't persevere.

Why do I like her so much then?

Well,for the simple fact that she's different and uncompromising in her musical pursuits and beliefs.And for the amount of raw energy that she puts into her work which is more than can be said for many of her cutesier (and much more boring) peers.There are joys and surprises galore to be found in her work that cannot be had in conventional pop.This is refreshing in a pop music world that almost prides itself on predictability.

And she's kinda cute too...ok,she's a divorced mum with a kid but hey,it's ok.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The Woodsman

Kevin Bacon (left) as the central character, Walter, in "The Woodsman"









"We are quick to forgive our own trespasses, slower to forgive those of others.The challenge of a moral life is to do nothing that needs forgiveness.In that sense,we're all out on parole."

- Roger Ebert in his review of "The Woodsman".


"The Woodsman" is not an easy film to sit through.I've heard about this film for sometime now but have put off watching it until now...because of its difficult object matter:Paedophilia.

But this film isn't just about it.It's about a paedophile's psyche and the struggles that he/she might go through.It's a movie portraying how a child molester/paedophile named Walter (Kevin Bacon),who after serving 12 years in prisons for molesting a couple of kids,was released on supervised parole to allow him to try and re-enter society.


Arriving in the city of Philadelphia,he is moved into a small apartment across the street from an elementary school and is given a job at a lumberyard,indeed a second chance.A quiet and guarded man who keeps to himself at his workplace,Walter finds unexpected solace from Vickie (Kyra Sedgwick), a tough-talking woman who promises not to judge him for his history.

But Walter cannot escape his past.As convicted sex offender,Walter is shunned by all his family,except his brother-in-law,Carlos (Benjamin Bratt),lives in fear of being discovered at work, and is hounded by a suspicious local police officer,Sgt Lucas (Mos Def).The film is a quiet observation about this man as he tries to re-enter the world even while he is battling his own inner demons;his sense of morality which tells him that what he is doing/feeling is wrong,his desire to be normal versus his innate sexual desires which he is continually fighting against but gives in to sometimes...all this even while he observes another dangerous paedophile at work opposite his house.

The storyline is simple and the narrative straightforward,what the movie gets right is,I feel,its refusal to get into didacticism and its refusal to paint Walter as some all-out pitiful character nor an outright monster.

"The Woodsman",because of its observational style,looks for us to peer into this man's life and understand his struggles,this does not necessarily involve pitying him.And sometimes,while it is easy to feel pity for him,the movie's straightforward style also makes it easy for us to be disgusted/sickened by his behaviour.For an actor to take up such an unenviable role and to furthermore,put in a wonderful performance is quite a monumental task.Step forward Kevin Bacon.

I have seen some of the Oscar-nominated performances of the past season and Bacon's performance is at least equal (but how does one measure equals or better anyway since subject matter is different and how much a performance touches each individual is different as well) to most of these other nominated peformances.It is criminal that he wasn't nominated but bearing in the mind the subject matter,it is easy to see why.But still,I am less applauding for the bravery of taking up the role than his performance,which is breathtaking.

Sometimes,in the presence of a meaty role,it is very easy to be flaunt your acting chops and become flashy and overact.Bacon's understated,low-key and honest performance is instead a stamp of approval to the maxim that sometimes "less is more".But while Bacon is praiseworthy,he was ably supported by a good cast consisting of Sedgwick,Bratt (wow,the guy can actually act),Mos Def,Eve and I think,the child actress who will probably be ignored,Hannah Pilkes...because of her minimal (but impactful) involvement.


I cannot talk about this movie without talking about,what I perceive to be,the central and most important scene in the movie.Indeed,the movie probably revolved around that pivotal scene,which (may have) changed Walter's life around.

The scene occurs late in the film where Walter stalks an 11-year old girl named Robin (Hannah Pilkes), who has a love of bird-watching to a park,leading to a conversation on a bench.And as they converse and his desire for her mounts, he realizes that she has been the victim of abuse by her father.The conversation is unsettling because of the dynamic between the two of them.The resolution of this conflict would mark a major turning point in Walter's life.


At the end,I have to go back to Ebert's comment...which didn't strike me until after a while.While watching the movie and up till the point of finisihing it,I was content to mark it down as an excellent character study detailing the struggles of a paedophile trying to better himself while re-intergreting into society,an honest look at a reforming paedophile's deepest psyche and of those around him.

And then I realised that the movie could so very easily be about ourselves.Watch the reactions of his colleagues when they find out about Walter's past crimes and especially Mary-Kay's (Eve) almost unforgiving and biased attitude towards Walter when she found out about his past and her unrelenting efforts to drive the man out of the workplace by exposing his crimes to all.

"People has a right to know",she says.

But why didn't she own up when the boss,Bob (David Alan Grier) questioned openly on who exposed Walter's criminal past?Are we too quick to forgive our own trespasses while being judgmental (and unforgiving) of others?

8/10

Thursday, September 15, 2005
Hatred

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Consolation

The peace which others seek they find;
The heaviest storms not longest last;
Heaven grants even to the guiltiest mind
An amnesty for what is past;
When will my sentence be reversed?
I only pray to know the worst;
And wish as if my heart would burst.

O weary struggle! silent years
Tell seemingly no doubtful tale;
And yet they leave it short, and fears
And hopes are strong and will prevail.
My calmest faith escapes not pain;
And, feeling that the hope is vain,
I think that he will come again.

The Forsaken by William Wordsworth

Monday, September 12, 2005
Bigmouth Strikes Again

"You're keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Because you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?

So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on

Will you bite the hand that feeds you?
Will you stay down on your knees?"

- Words from Nine Inch Nails' ode to George Bush Jnr "The Hand That Feeds".

"Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I’d like to smash every tooth
In your head

Oh...sweetness,sweetness,I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed

... ...

Bigmouth,la...bigmouth,la...
Bigmouth strikes again
I’ve got no right to take my place
In the human race

Oh, bigmouth,ha ha...bigmouth,la
Bigmouth strikes again
I’ve got no right to take my place
In the human race... ..."

- Words from the Smiths' ode to Margaret Thatcher "Bigmouth Strikes Again".

Last Wednesday,the esteemed former Prime Minister of Malaysia,Mahathir Mohamad,basically called MNCs "cheats" and that Malaysia has been forced into globalisation and would rather not deal with these giant foreign companies.

'We did very well before globalisation and we really don't need it,' the 80-year-old said in a speech at a global leadership forum attended by business and political leaders.

'The only reason why we have to accept globalisation is that the rich countries threaten to use their markets against us.As a trading country we need their market,' he said in a familiar rant against foreign companies and governments,which he has often described as exploiters of labour and resources of developing countries


Malaysia Boleh!Hey...wait a minute,what's that you wearing?A WESTERN suit?!

The goods churned out by the hundreds of mostly electrical and electronics factories turned Malaysia into a thriving trading nation.The total value of Malaysia's trade with other countries is twice the size of its gross domestic product,or the total value of goods and services produced in the country.

Still, he has remained suspicious of big corporations, and has positioned himself as the spokesman for the developing world against the ills of globalisation.To him, globalisation is a tool for the rich and powerful countries to buy out small local industries and banks although he admitted that big foreign companies can bring wealth to local economies.

'But the assumption that big is efficient and profitable is not quite true.We have seen these giants cheat. We have seen how their top management line their pockets ... and we have seen them collapse,' he said, referring to the debacle in major US companies such as Enron, Worldcom and Arthur Anderson.'They cheat like any small retailer in small countries,' he said.


Dear Mr Mahathir,
But of course,Mr Ex-PM,Malaysia did very well before all these MNCs came in,you know...and seriously,without them,you'd do better.If it wasn't because of them,you would have been the world's largest natural rubber producers today.Who gave the damn Thais permission to take over that position.And Malaysia would have exported loads of coconuts too...and oh, unrefined oil of course...because you wouldn't be refining it.

Well,you wouldn't have need for oil in your country anyway because everyone will still be on bicycles.Because there'd be no Proton yeah?Wasn't that a joint venture too?

But ahhh,the kampung way of life.Miss it big-time,don't we?Don't need to go to some factory or high-rise offices to work,just row out on your sampan and cast your net or tap some rubber trees.No pollution.No chao ang-mohs marrying our nice local ladies and no need to kowtow to them.

I can see your point,dear esteemed leader.Those big bad corporations lie and cheat...but then again,in your words,so do "any small retailer in small countries".So erm,what you trying to say?Cheating small is ok?

And trust me,I'd love Malaysia to not have to depend on MNCs for progress,I'm sure my Singapore dollar can get even more value off the ringgit exchange rate then.

But I have to give it to you,old man.Never one to kowtow to anyone (and we all know that's loads and loads of white arse-kissers in SEA,that's why I still kinda like you,Doctor!),maybe our Prez can learn a thing or two from you,fiesty old man!

Keep it going,Doctor,keep ranting and keep on keeping on.Fight the good fight against the chao ang-mohs,please just kinda try and substantiate your arguments a bit more can?Otherwise,you are a bit embarrassing actually.

However,may I still implore you to have a bit more maturity and act more like a proper 80-year-old man?Kinda like this chap here...


What all 80-year-old men should look like.

Nevermind what I just said about maturity.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Just in on CNA: -

For the first time in Singapore, two bloggers have been charged under the Sedition Act with making racist remarks.

Twenty-five-year-old Nicholas Lim Yew faces two charges and 27-year-old Benjamin Koh Song Huat faces three.

A subordinate court was told that both their blogs had racist content, which sparked off a heated discussion online.

The charges read that Lim had, on 16 and 17 June 2005, posted racist remarks on a web forum.

Koh was alleged to have done the same on 12, 15 and 17 June on another website.

In doing so, they are alleged to have committed an act which had a seditious tendency.

This is defined as promoting feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races of the population of Singapore.

Both men are out on bail of S$10,000 each.

Dear good readers,
Being the good Samaritan that I am,I decided to look through the Sedition Act online for the benefit of all you readers (since I think a lot of you can be arrested just for reading my blog) and this is what is defined as "seditious tendency":

A seditious tendency is a tendency —
(a) to bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the Government;
(b) to excite the citizens of Singapore or the residents in Singapore to attempt to procure in Singapore, the alteration, otherwise than by lawful means, of any matter as by law established;
(c) to bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the administration of justice in Singapore;
(d) to raise discontent or disaffection amongst the citizens of Singapore or the residents in Singapore;
(e) to promote feelings of ill-will and hostility between different races or classes of the population of Singapore.


Blog lah,blog somemore,chao SOB (Struggling Office Boy)!

Anybody got $10,000 to lend me?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fergie,old Fergie.The old hairdryer.

The past Saturday saw the Manchester derby in which Man City grabbed a deserved draw (through Joey Barton) against their richer cross-city cousins but Sir Alex Ferguson,manager of the mighty (my arse) Man Utd and ever the gracious man,had a few words to say about the final 1-1 scoreline.

'It was a ridiculous scoreline,' observed Ferguson. 'They pulled everyone to the edge of their box, just as they did last season and looked for the scraps.They ended up scoring with their first shot. It is very frustrating but that is football. It has happened before and it will happen again. You just have to accept it.'


Joey Barton,FCUK YOU!

Dear Fergie,
Yes,old man,you said it, so just accept it and don't talk so much bull.The only thing ridiculous is that your expensively assembled squad couldn't break down a 9-men defense,assuming they're really any good.

And before you accuse someone,take a look at yourself.If you truly are a great or even useful team,you'd be able to win even if they have 20 men in the park against you...but you ain't,so too damn bad.

Sunday, September 11, 2005
Trust

Thursday, September 01, 2005
Local Batman Begins

I am Bruce.Bruce Weng.Multi-ten thousandaire and civil servant.

This is my story.Of how I became a vigilante in Garden City.But then again,life is so boring here (contrary to what the government would have us believe...tell our foreign friends that Singapore is a happening place and invite them to come?Geez,why not just flat-out lie?Oh,doing that already...) that crime-fighting and bashing people up is really the only means of entertainment psychos like me can find.

My life had been shaped by the tragedies that surrounded my life since I was barely 5 months old.My dad was a nice,good family man and doted on me.But the year that I was born,I remembered clearly,he suddenly upped and left me and my mum alone in Singapore for Taiwan.

I still remember the last words he left me with.He told me,"Bruce,I have to go.My son.I guess I have discovered my true calling and that is to be a hairy-chested idol to all the hormone-drenched screaming adolescent girls in Asia.Do not weep for this is God's calling for me."

And with that,he left Changi Terminal One with me in my pram.This was the last thing I said to him.


My last message to my dad.

Sorry,technically I didn't said that to him,I merely showed him my displeasure.Anyway,the bugger never turned back and left for Taiwan.I have never ever forgiven him.And he never once tried to acknowledge me or look for me nor my mum.This is a picture of the jerk.


Arsehole...

During all this time,I never heard a word from him.Not a word.Not an email.Not a snail-mail.Not even a pigeon.No nothing.

And then he even mysteriously disappeared for over ten years,re-surfacing a couple of years back.For what?I'd tell you for what!


His reason for resurfacing.

Yes,brothers and sisters.He re-surfaced so that he could auction off his bloody chest hair.

CHEST HAIR!

Heck,ladies and gentlemen,if you guys really want his chest hair,I have good news for you.I have collected an assortment of body hair trapped in my toilet sink from my celebrity dad for auction.These include:

Head hair ($600 per strand)

Armpit hair ($450 per strand)

Chest hair ($1000 per strand)

Erm...private hair ($7000 per strand)

Hurry,folks.While stocks last.

Anyway,I never want to see the jerk again.His disappearance is the one tragedy which greatly affected me and my mum's life.My mum was a beautiful woman in her time.So beautiful in fact,that she was named FHM's Most Beautiful Woman of the Year in 19XX.This is a picture of my mum in her glory days.


FHM Beauty

Yes,folks,she's stunning,isn't she?In fact,even last year,she was named number 41 in FHM Sexiest Women Poll.I do not quite understand why but that's not my problem because I did not vote her in.

My mum was a hardworking woman.Worked very hard buying 4D to ensure I could get a decent education and enjoy a good quality life through her winnings.And she struck 4D a lot of times.Enough to make all of you green with envy.

Enough about my parents,let's talk about me.

I was never very popular at school.I never understood why.All my classmates,no make that schoolmates (mainly the male ones actually) called me names like "Handsome bastard","Good-looking arsehole" and "Nanny-bedder".The females ones mainly slipped their worn bras and phone numbers in my locker.Never understood why.Here's my picture,can you understand why?


Me - Just an average looking bloke.

Could you tell me why guys hate me so much and girls love me doubly so?I am just an average looking bloke really...

...

...

...

Nah,who's kidding who?I am good looking.Great-looking,in fact.But can you blame me?I've got great looking parents in the first place.Good genes mah.

I basically grew up and became tough in the streets.Mind you,becoming tough was a natural process I had to learn because of the way I was,having to fend off hordes of women attempting to tear my clothes off everytime I step out of the house.This was how I learnt to take on dozens of people all at once simultaneously as you can all see in my Batman movies.Trust me.Fighting off dozens of women trying to claw your shirt off you isn't that dissimilar from fighting off baddies trying to tear your skin off you.

But that doesn't quite explain where I learnt my kung-fu from.And where did I learn my kung-fu from?Well,when you wanna learn,you only learn from the best...so yes,I learnt all my kung-fu moves from...SAF Unarmed Combat sessions.

This is a picture of my instructor.His name is Staff Vieri Guai Lan.


Staff Vieri Guai Lan

Staff Guai was an absolute jerk.He made us clean urinals with not even a toothbrush...but with our tongues.He made us leopard crawl not on training missions or exercises...but on our way to the bloody cookhouse for EVERY meal.He made us book out on Saturday morning...but made us book in on Saturday afternoon.I HATE THE ARMY!!!

Anyway,Staff Guai was an incredible expert on unarmed combat self-defense.Basically he knew all the moves...how to throw,how to do a proper roundhouse kick,how to punch with force and how to break fall so that one suffered no hurt at all even when thrown ten stories down.So I am glad I learnt from the absolute best when it came to unarmed combat.Fact is I learnt all my world-class moves from him...so you can imagine my sadness when years later,I found out he was killed by his petite ex-girlfriend who had a lovers' tiff with him,threw her handbag at him,struck his solar plexus and killed him on the spot.Turned out the guy had a malformed ribcage but still...I really thought he'd learn how to block a handbag.


The murder weapon

It's a sad end to a great man's life.I always remembered when he won Best Soldier Award for the month of June 19XX.He was practically crying when the CO announced his name.We all thought he was nuts or something but hey,he was just siao onz.Sad end,sad end.

Back to my story then.I was educated only in the best institutions throughout my life.I worked hard during my studies and basically attended only the best schools,those which our ministers attended.You know:RI lah,RJC lah,Oxford University lah and of course,Serangoon Gardens Primary School lah.

Where else do you think our ministers learnt their Malay and Hokkien from?Believe me,when you are faced with a bunch of bullies daily,you better learn your fair share of Hokkien and Malay swear words to fend them off.Our ministers,of course,have the good sense not to use them in public.But trust me,we know our vocabulary...we always have a good laugh with each other during our primary school alma mater gatherings.

There was one particular incident which scarred me for life during my secondary school days.It was on a night trip to the Night Safari organised by my class...I just discovered that saying night trip to Night Safari is basically 废话 but anyway,during this trip,I got separated from my class because well,being the kaypoh me,I was straying away to look at couples making out in the bushes.

And you know how dangerous the Night Safari can get...basically the animals can just jump out of their enclosures and maul you to death any time they want (just ask the PRC tourists,they'd know).We are just lucky that our zoo animals are well-trained and have been taught not to kill visitors.If they were not trained,geez,there'd be one death a day at the zoo and Ah-Meng would have been in jail a long time ago.


When they say wild,they really mean wild.

Ok ok,I almost got distracted from my point.Yes,the point was I got separated from my group,ventured too near to a bat cave and got swarmed by bats.Hell,by the end of the ordeal,I was covered in guano and had to be dug out of a mountain of bat dung.

I never quite recovered from that episode.Even now,when I think about it,I start crying and have to go to the bathroom and bathe in wondrous Dove shower-cream (only the best for my skin).

And yes,that was how I came upon the idea of calling myself Batman...for me,Batcave is situated at...who's kidding who,Singapore where got cave?I just make do with my Bat-HDB flat in Ang Mo Kio,living with my mum.I wanted to buy private housing but too damn expensive and you know what,not all crime-fighters are rich.But anyway,living in the PM's ward is great...upgrade here,upgrade there,upgrade everywhere...compared to opposition wards,I tell you,just watch Potong Pasir and Hougang rot lah.

And as for why I became a civil servant?Hell,you think if I don't become civil servant,I can knock off at 6pm to go fight crime meh?Only with public sector then I got so much free time to fight crime mah.Where else can knock off at 6 zhun zhun on the dot one,I ask you?

Somemore,if I work private sector,I work until 8 to 9 plus or worse 10 to 11 daily,how to fight crime I ask you?So bloody shag by the end of the day,still want me to fight crime?Fight my backside lah,I tell you.And also,only with the high civil service pay can I afford to buy all my crime fighting equipment and weaponry.

Now I'd reveal my secret,I get my weaponry,Bat-suit and all from...hey,I don't want to bore you with too much official details,ok?Just order from Malaysia and China can already.I can even pass you the factory contact numbers and you can go order yourself.Please pay in ringgit and RMB,ok?Say recommended by Bruce.Order in bulk can get discount somemore.

Of course,going through customs is a bit of hassle but you know our law enforcement side lah,so lax,even Took Leng How can get across without getting arrested,what more shipping in a container load of Bat-suits,throwing weaponry,grappling hooks and magnetic guns.Simply a breeze,I tell you...but that is also the precise reason why they need me.

For I am Batman,the Caped Crusader...bloody hot in this weather to be caped,I tell you...which is why I only come out at night.


Me catching my breath because the suit is damn hot.

This is but the first installment of my adventures...the very next installment of this franchise will be called "Local Batman",and I shall recount in that installment,the tale of how I fought my greatest enemy,The Joker.


My greatest enemy - The Joker.

And also how I met my sex partner...erm,I mean my love interest,reporter Vickie Vu Lei-er.


Vicki heats up the journalistic scene in Singapore.

To be continued...