Monday, December 13, 2004
Men Behaving Badly

As I scrolled through all the stuff that I've written,I have found that my posts have gotten progressively longer in length and conversely,perhaps,increasingly unpalatable to read.I gather this from the amount of scrolling I had to do just to cover a singular post...geesh.From now,I'd try to cut to the chase as quickly as possible to avoid stretching to such lengths again.

Let me start this post by saying something:

I am not a nice person by nature and I'm not easy to get along with.I am not friendly by nature and do not pretend to be friendly with everyone.And while I may be quick to read situations,reacting to it is a different case altogether.I find myself able to see if something is going smoothloy or not too good,but my reactions usually run counter to what my brains tell me I shoukd do.My EQ scores are pretty low,I think.

What does this got to do with anything?Basically,it's this,anyone who's my friend might find me disagreeable in one way or another over time.And unintentionally,there is likely to come a time when I will hurt someone.For all those I might have hurt,I am truly sorry.I will never intentionally set out to hurt anyone.But if I did,I offer an apology.Not intenting to hurt is not a good excuse for the actual act of hurting itself.

I hurt someone tonight and I feel terrible about it.It was unintentional but she was so hurt,she said she didn't want to talk to me tonight.She told me to just go after dinner and well,I did...SMSing an apology.She didn't stay cross with me for long because I was quite profuse with my sorries but her forgiveness didn't make me feel better.It was less the matter than the recognition of my fallibilities and weaknesses.I do feel like I am beating myself sore over it but I cannot ignore facts.

I do not really want to elaborate on the details of what happened,which makes my mentioning of the event pretty meaningless in itself...that is,if I wasn't leading it into the topic of what is perceived to be men's bad behaviour.

Very often,women accuse men of being overly insensitive to the needs and emotions of women and many times,I do have to admit these accusations have more than a semblance of truth in them.The thing is though,a lot of men's actions are guarded by our nature and maybe,by how we are brought up...as men.Let me just say that,most men do NOT set out to be insensitive jerks,especially to the women they love.Those who do so have to face up to one truth:They do not love their women.So much of what men is second nature that when they do it,they are really not aware they are being insensitive to their womenfolk.Because if they did,trust me,they would NOT attempt it in a million years.

Some of the things men do:

1) We tend to trivialise the emotions of women,downplay feelings and say they are over-reacting to things.Most of the times,we fail to address the emotions behind the statements and simply address the facts.

2) We are slow to react to subtle changes in body langauge and tone of voice.Such that only with a overt declaration or act of unhappiness,would men spring into action to reconciliate or solve matters.

3) We like to let arguments simmer and cool before taking action.For us,to act while emotions are still running high would only result in further disagreement because emotions will override logic.So sitting down and cooling off to settle one's thoughts is preferable to trashing things out straightaway.After you cool off,you might also find it easier to apologise.

4) We find it hard to say sorry.

Generally,men are factual,not emotional creatures.When we listen to someone make a statement,the facts would stick but the way the person says it usually escapes us.Understanding and catering to emotions isn't a particular strong suit.And most of the time,when a man downplays the emotions of the partner,the intention is not to trivialise them but a genuine attempt to alleviate any anger or bitterness that may linger.It can be misconstrued instead as insensivity or an attempt to make the partner seem like she is over-reacting and hence is petty,immature...fill in your own words.This is never the case but because men is not adept at addressing emotions,it seems far easier to downplay emotions and make it lighter than deal with it outright.

Men are visual creatures...unfortunately,probably for the wrong things.But anyway,we cannot spot when a woman shows slight irritation or raises her voice slightly to show unhappiness.In fact,we usually only know something is really wrong when the womenfolk tell us outright or throw such a fit that it's totally unmistakeable.What can you do about such "woodenness"???I don't know...I guess men are not exactly brought up to be sensitive souls.How do you survive to be a guy like that when you are in the army,for example?You'd be crying in your pillow every nigth with the abuse you suffer.In building up toughness,I think something is lost.

As such,since we are aware of the havoc that emotions can stir when they are in full flow (do you know how many officers we could have killed in the army if we allowed our emotions to run over?),we always liek to cool down before proceeding to solve matters.I've heard that girls like to solve matters as soon as possible...on the spot while men likes to just wait out until tempers have cooled and rationality is restalled.Bascially,there isn't anythign wrong with either approach...the problem is when we fail to understand the logic behind each approach.Why do you want to talk about things when you are still so emotional and we'd probably end up quarreling even more?Conversely,how can you wait for days and not talk to me about the matter like it doesn't exist?Which is wrong and which is right?

Finally,sorry IS the hardest word.Pride gets in the way.Rather than saying it out loud,men tends to express their apologies in actions.Sending flowers,doing something for the partner,iniating the conversation after a few days of cold war with "This TV programme sucks",going for dinner together...etc.But rarely an outright sorry.

I offer no solutions at all in what I write...only explnantions to help women to may be understand where we are coming from.I can't even profess to speak for all men.I only think these words may be an explanantion,gathering that I am a guy,myself.So the next time,girls,when you accuse your man of being insensitive,realise that he NEVER meant to be so.A man never sets out to hurt the woman he loves.It's worse than plunging a blade into his own heart.