Wednesday, December 08, 2004
如何糟蹋前U频道艺人

Did you guys all read articles about the media company merger and retrenchment exercise at Mediaworks/SPH yesterday?The news broke yesterday during the 9:30 evening news on 5 and today,ST (Funny,I thought Today should be the paper that's gleeful) is having a field day describing how various Mediaworks/SPH artistes and staff reacted after receiving their pink slips from the management of merged media entity.I have to admit one thing:The news articles greatly amuses me...for two simple reasons.

First,the reactions of certain people are so drama,it's almost funny.For instance,the likes of Ericia Lee and Quan Yifeng and their sobbing reactions.Ok,I have to admit that getting pink slips is no laughing matter.But get some perspective folks.It's not like you lost your mum at 15 and your dad at 17,have a younger sister to take care of,still have school to attend and have to work part-time for subsistence as well as rely on welfare handouts.These guys are probably crying because they need to sell their car or something.Not exactly crisis time,is it?

Secondly,the alternate posts that the company offered to some of these employees or soon-to-be ex-employees are quite amusing as are some of their reactions.For example,Evelyn Tan was offered a post in SPH's circulation department but apparently,she rejected it because it was not her calling.Erm,Evelyn,are you telling me God told you you can be a newscaster and a newscasteronly.Is it?Your reaction is so typical of a petulant Singaporean.Not fair,cannot send me to a post where I have no training or experience.Ever watched the WDA ads on TV,dear Evelyn?Learn new skills,adapt yourself to new industries and job scopes as the greater environment is constantly evolving?Go for re-training and gain experience on the job?Never heard of that before,dear Evelyn?With your attitude,how do you ever expect to find a job,my dear?

Anyway,the merger of the two media companies also raises some important learning points for all of us in life.

1) Never introduce your sister into the company you are working at.She might soon take YOUR job. (Case study: Ericia and Ezann Lee)

2) Never have a Malaysian boyfriend.Expecially if he is a 咸猪手.He'd become jobless faster than you can say "Let's break up." (Case study: Michelle Chia and Shaun Chen)

3) Never have a husband who's less capable than you.He'd become jobless faster than you can say "Let's divorce." and you have to be the sole breadwinner. (Case study: Quan Yifeng and Peter Yu.No wonder Quan Yifeng was crying.)

4) If you are Man Shu Sum,you get away with everything because you are 大哥大.

5) Who in the world are Wymen Yong and Xavier Teo???Camera-men,is it?

Anyway,the main point of this post isn't really this.It's about how Mediacorp can take some measure of revenge against some of these artistes who walked out of Mediacorp and into the embrace of Mediaworks,without realising that one day,they might fall back into the hands of the evil corporation once again.Well,think again,folks,you're all wrong...as heard in the voice of Mediacorp management:

"So you guys think by deflecting,you can become the 阿哥阿姐 of the local entertainment scene,is it?Well,you reckoned wrong,fools.You are back in my clutches now.Hahahah,and for your devious act of treachery and deceit and as well your betrayal,you will suffer in the greatest depths of living Mediacorp HELL.看我怎么蹂躏你们吧，这群吃里爬外的家伙.我要你们生不如死..."

And I've even thought up of some ways (for Mediacorp) to torture these artistes who are returning to the stable.Trust me,Mediacorp,by applying these tactics,you will make life a living hell for these returning traitors...


1) Pair up Ezann Lee and Ix Shen in a drama and then spread rumours that they are an item

Just cast Ezann and Ix in a serial together (as lovers preferably) and then for publicity's sake,spread rumours that they had fallen for each other while filming on the set and how Ix don't dare to tell Ericia because she is fierce like a tiger while Ezann didn't dare tell because she wanted to preserve the sisters' relationship.To spice it up even more,make them do a nude photo-shoot (you know,the type Mediacorp is so fond of with bedsheets,satin sheets,nylon sheets,plastic sheets covering their entwined naked bodies and with their arms,legs,fronds,hair,little animals and other assorted creatures covering their naughty bits.Who actually finds these pictures sexy anyway?What do they think all their readers are?12 year-old boys ah?) together for 8 Days or I Weekly with the tagline "The Hottest Couple Of The Year".Ericia will flip and probably kill herself,Ix's career and popularity will take a nosedive for him being a philanderer and Ezann becomes everybody's most hated 狐狸精.Triple whammy.

2) Make Michelle Chia take on a nun's role and for authenticity,order her to shave off ALL her hair

Yes,cast Michelle in some period or 60's drama about the hardships that women have to suffer during bygone times.Make her take on the role of a girl who was dealt life's harshest blows.Lost her mum and dad when she was 5,had to go out to the streets to sell matches,brought into a household by a kindly maid who brought her up as her own daughter,get targeted by a lecherous 少爷 who then proceeds to trap her in a room and rape her and then marry her as a concubine.She then escapes and gets into a monastry where just as they are about to capture her and return her back to her master,she gets her head shaved and becomes a nun.Familiar story eh?

Anyway,the main point is now...hahahah,you try and be a Lux girl with your shaven head lah,Michelle.No way man.Lux will drop her immediately like a hot potato.She'd promptly lose ALL her hair sponsorship and advertisement endorsement deals as the Lux girl and from whatever hair salon she might be representing.Her income will fall to zero overnight and she will have ZERO commercial value.Overnight,she becomes a non-entity in the advertising world.Hahaha,another career ruined...but at least,she'd probably have a STAR Awards best actress nomination (which Mediacorp will make sure she doesn't win) and with the rape scene in the serial,HK Cat III film-makers will also express an interest in her.

3) Make Kym Ng and Bryan Wong host ONLY 午后闲情

So they think they can just stroll right back into Mediacorp and suddenly assume the mantle of the hosting 大哥大姐 roles again.No chance.That's still Sharon Au and Sharon Au only.The two of them will be banished to host their only programme on TV,午后闲情 which nobody watches except for 70-80 year-olds who don't know how to use the remote to switch channels and 70-80 day-olds who don't know what they are watching.Their popularity will take a dive and nobody ever sees or hears about them ever again.Everyone will be asking,"Hey,I thought Kym and Bryan went back to Mediacorp,where are they now?How come we don't see them?"What's worse,hosting a show that mainly consists of appearances by geriatrics,they can't show their usual "wacky" antics since the uncles and aunties who appear on their show will simply think,"这两个神经病是谁啊？？？"Think any advertiser will continue to ask Kym to endorse their products when she gets next to zero exposure?

4) Use misleading job titles for the alternate posts you offer to other artistes

Newscasters Wang Yanqing and Chew Huoy Miin were offered posts in "Print" while Lina Ng was offered a post in "Marketing".Well,sounds really kind and gernerous of Mediacorp to offer these alternate posts to these (former) artistes because they couldn't find enough jobs in the artiste stable to fulfill their original roles...right?WRONG.You guys are so easily fooled,it is almost amazing.When these three "suckers" accepted their jobs,they must be thinking executive posts,right?Wrong again.By "Print",Mediacorp really means that they will be print machine OPERATORS.They stand at the machines and make sure the format on the papers comes out aligned and if something stalls,they could to climb in to grease the machine or repair it.And by "marketing",it means that Lina will be selling ST and TNP at a newspaper kiosk at the Ang Mo Kio MRT station.Nothing is as it seems...but great job titles though.

5) Make Guo Liang do sign language during news programmes or important events

Have you ever watched those Malaysian RTM news programmes and noticed a person doing a sign language presentation (at the top left hand or bottom right hand corner,I think) of the news the newscaster is reading.Implement this measure as well and promote it as a feature to cater to Mediacorp's hearing-impaired viewers.And instead of getting a professional sign langauge practitioner to do it,get Guo Liang to learn sign language and do the presentation.In fact,make this sign language presentation a feature in all major TV events like the President's Star Charity Show or the STAR Awards.And make Guo Liang stand beside the witty and chatty hosts during these events,doing his sign language translation.The point is to give Guo Liang no chance of showcasing his fine linguistic skills whatsoever...turn him into a mute,if that is the word to describe it.Watch him suffer in silence as all the lesser hosts he's compering with fumble all around him while all he can do is look on in distress and disgust and perform his sign translations.Torture is sweet.

6) Turn Darren Lim into a stunt double doing only dangerous stunts

Darren Lim very cool right?Such an adventurer,always doing risky and dangerous things on TV and risking his limbs for charity shows.Well,now he can do all these dangerous stunts for life...but nobody will know it's him on TV.He'd be the uncredited stunt double who jumps out of a burning building for Chris Lee,plunges ten stories for Tay Peng Hui and/or shows his butt in sex scenes for Sean Say.But his face will never be shown.It'd always be a long or middle distance shot...or he will be shot from his back,wearing a wig.He'd never even be named in the credits.You want danger,you get danger,Darren...only this time,you don't get the credit or the chance to show your face on TV.Helluva insurance payout though...

7) Cast Lynn Poh,Adam Chen and Ben Yeo in 随心所遇II

Enough to ruin anybody's career... I guarantee you...

8) Cast Ann Kok and Fiona Xie in a Cat III skin flick

Ok,this is just my wish.But Ann Kok...goodness me,what else is she good at besides flashing her boobs?And coupled with the new skin queen of Mediacorp,they can do a skin flick together called 波豪.Potentially,this could ruin Fiona's career as well but I don't really care unless I'm marrying sweet Fiona.But anyway,think of the damage to Ann's career,she'd be stuck doing nothing but this kind of flicks until she is 50...which is exactly her strength actually...

9) Make Helen Cheung a weathergirl

Great poise,wonderful diction...too bad,you are a traitor.Sure,Mediacorp will put her straight back into their news programmes...but as a weather girl where she can hold out her hands over a blue screen and move them over an imaginery map of Singapore.Sunny in the east and rainy at the west.So well,she may have great language skills but hey,she won't appear for more than five minutes every night.And she'd look even sillier with that trademark stern expression of hers talking about the weather.


Ok,I'd end here.I don't really want to ruin some of the other people's career because I do like some of them.For instance,who cannot fail to like the genteel Celeste Chong and her wondeful straight hair.And Apple Hong is one cute apple pie...even though she's Malaysian.Adrian Pang is also one funny dude so I'd leave him be.Hence,these three will remain untouched for the moment.And as for the rest of the re-contractees (no such word)...they're just lucky.They're so 不起眼,I don't really know how to sabo them.