Friday, July 29, 2005
Zoe's Milk

Wow man,Zoey...what a mother.You guys read about all the brouhaha over Zoe and her breastmilk?Quite amazing.Singapore really not happening.Breastmilk also can make the papers one.Well,anyway,Zoey,in all her greed (don't tell me she endorses products out of altrusim,ok?if that's the case,I am also very altruistic.Nike,Rolex...come come.I endorse you.),decided to endorse a plethora of products (milk powder,spa,slimming pills...etc) and had her greed come back to bite her in the arse.

I think you all know the deal right?After Zoey gave birth to her son and named him after the sound a donkey would make,she became the poster girl for the nation's "give birth until you can't afford it" campaign.And of course,she somehow became the benchmark for people when it came to motherhood practices.Breastfeeding,confinement practices...you name it,Zoey perfects it.Quite how she became a benchmark for motherhood still escapes me (why is she especially qualified?Because she's Zoey Tay?).But well,turns out she's not as perfect as Mediacorp puts her out to be.

So what were her booboos?Geez...let's list them out.First she claimed that she was breastfeeding Donkeyboy (sorry pal,blame your mum,not me.I just make use of every opportunity to mock.When you grow up,you can mock Archangel too.You know,like,"What kind of an a-gua name is Archangel???") all the time...and then the slimming ads came out.

Try these slimming pills and before long you will look like Fann Wong (not even Zoey Tay ok!You want to be thin,you got to measure against the best.Fann the Ethiopian).But oops,take these pills and Donkeyboy really becomes a donkey.Ahhhh...now what?Unsafe practice leh,local mega-star.

"No no no",Zoey suddenly backtracks and insists she's misunderstood.I didn't ACTUALLY breastfeed,I stored up galloons of my nice chest milk (wah liao eh...Zoey,you even more productive than New Zealand cow,you know.I think if we got twenty thousand of you in Singapore,we can replace NZ as one of the biggest milk producers in the world.) before I started taking my sponsor's pills so 'fraid not.Brayden will not bray.


Zoe The Milk Machine

But Zoey dear,you really got to improve your English...breastfeeding and feeding your son with a milk bottle containing breastmilk is not the same thing (and please check the expiry date of your milk hor,dear).Your communication skills really jialat leh.Thank God you are not doing corporate comms or PR.Hell...thank God,you actually got a script to follow because I don't trust anything from your mouth which is not scripted.

Anyway,this saga about the milk is very interesting.Especially concerning the massive quantities that Zoe is producing.She has so much of it,she uses it for face masks...oh really,Zoey,we NEEDED to know that.Explains why your skin so good lah.And since you got so much,I recommend you sell it lor. Sell it plain or sell it with tea. For branding,call it 玉奶 (for plain) and Zoe Teh Ni (tea with milk).Monster sellers.Especially with mothers and lechers.

And then the second "controversy" (Singapore's tolerance level a bit low eh?) concerned Zoe confinement period practices.Apparently for Chinese confinement beliefs,mothers not supposed to bathe for a month...which Zoe said she followed.

And then lo and behold,spa sponsor come,Zoe forget everything she said before.

"I got bathe lah...once a day only...and spa good ah,I go spa,Brayden also go spa.I immerse myself in a jacuzzi while Brayden drowns in a pool."

There's something wrong with that statement and it has nothing to do with Brayden drowning (which he would if you put him in a jacuzzi).The problem is with the fact that she actually bathed (and contradicted her earlier statements that she didn't) and that she thought bathing once a day is considered very little.

Zoey dear,most mere mortals like us bathe only once a day you know...so you "once a day only" is as good as 废话.Unless of course,you do otherwise and think it is normal for others to do likewise.Little wonder Singapore's water usgae growing exponetially.Singapore government,you know whose fault lah...don't direct your save water campaign at us,direct it at her.

And what do we know...Zoey backtracks again..."No no no.I did not ACTUALLY bathe.I used wet towel to wipe myself down..."

Ah girl ah...you got real problem leh...wipe yourself down only and you call it bathe,bluff people for what?Scared people know you wipe down only don't dare to get near you ah?No lah,don't worry,you Queen of Caldecott,you know.You never bathe for ten months also can.

End of the day...Zoey...please improve your English before you start speaking to the media again.Everytime I hear you talk ang moh,I cringe until my skin fall off.Damn painful to hear,you know.