Thursday, September 01, 2005
Local Batman Begins

I am Bruce.Bruce Weng.Multi-ten thousandaire and civil servant.

This is my story.Of how I became a vigilante in Garden City.But then again,life is so boring here (contrary to what the government would have us believe...tell our foreign friends that Singapore is a happening place and invite them to come?Geez,why not just flat-out lie?Oh,doing that already...) that crime-fighting and bashing people up is really the only means of entertainment psychos like me can find.

My life had been shaped by the tragedies that surrounded my life since I was barely 5 months old.My dad was a nice,good family man and doted on me.But the year that I was born,I remembered clearly,he suddenly upped and left me and my mum alone in Singapore for Taiwan.

I still remember the last words he left me with.He told me,"Bruce,I have to go.My son.I guess I have discovered my true calling and that is to be a hairy-chested idol to all the hormone-drenched screaming adolescent girls in Asia.Do not weep for this is God's calling for me."

And with that,he left Changi Terminal One with me in my pram.This was the last thing I said to him.


My last message to my dad.

Sorry,technically I didn't said that to him,I merely showed him my displeasure.Anyway,the bugger never turned back and left for Taiwan.I have never ever forgiven him.And he never once tried to acknowledge me or look for me nor my mum.This is a picture of the jerk.


Arsehole...

During all this time,I never heard a word from him.Not a word.Not an email.Not a snail-mail.Not even a pigeon.No nothing.

And then he even mysteriously disappeared for over ten years,re-surfacing a couple of years back.For what?I'd tell you for what!


His reason for resurfacing.

Yes,brothers and sisters.He re-surfaced so that he could auction off his bloody chest hair.

CHEST HAIR!

Heck,ladies and gentlemen,if you guys really want his chest hair,I have good news for you.I have collected an assortment of body hair trapped in my toilet sink from my celebrity dad for auction.These include:

Head hair ($600 per strand)

Armpit hair ($450 per strand)

Chest hair ($1000 per strand)

Erm...private hair ($7000 per strand)

Hurry,folks.While stocks last.

Anyway,I never want to see the jerk again.His disappearance is the one tragedy which greatly affected me and my mum's life.My mum was a beautiful woman in her time.So beautiful in fact,that she was named FHM's Most Beautiful Woman of the Year in 19XX.This is a picture of my mum in her glory days.


FHM Beauty

Yes,folks,she's stunning,isn't she?In fact,even last year,she was named number 41 in FHM Sexiest Women Poll.I do not quite understand why but that's not my problem because I did not vote her in.

My mum was a hardworking woman.Worked very hard buying 4D to ensure I could get a decent education and enjoy a good quality life through her winnings.And she struck 4D a lot of times.Enough to make all of you green with envy.

Enough about my parents,let's talk about me.

I was never very popular at school.I never understood why.All my classmates,no make that schoolmates (mainly the male ones actually) called me names like "Handsome bastard","Good-looking arsehole" and "Nanny-bedder".The females ones mainly slipped their worn bras and phone numbers in my locker.Never understood why.Here's my picture,can you understand why?


Me - Just an average looking bloke.

Could you tell me why guys hate me so much and girls love me doubly so?I am just an average looking bloke really...

...

...

...

Nah,who's kidding who?I am good looking.Great-looking,in fact.But can you blame me?I've got great looking parents in the first place.Good genes mah.

I basically grew up and became tough in the streets.Mind you,becoming tough was a natural process I had to learn because of the way I was,having to fend off hordes of women attempting to tear my clothes off everytime I step out of the house.This was how I learnt to take on dozens of people all at once simultaneously as you can all see in my Batman movies.Trust me.Fighting off dozens of women trying to claw your shirt off you isn't that dissimilar from fighting off baddies trying to tear your skin off you.

But that doesn't quite explain where I learnt my kung-fu from.And where did I learn my kung-fu from?Well,when you wanna learn,you only learn from the best...so yes,I learnt all my kung-fu moves from...SAF Unarmed Combat sessions.

This is a picture of my instructor.His name is Staff Vieri Guai Lan.


Staff Vieri Guai Lan

Staff Guai was an absolute jerk.He made us clean urinals with not even a toothbrush...but with our tongues.He made us leopard crawl not on training missions or exercises...but on our way to the bloody cookhouse for EVERY meal.He made us book out on Saturday morning...but made us book in on Saturday afternoon.I HATE THE ARMY!!!

Anyway,Staff Guai was an incredible expert on unarmed combat self-defense.Basically he knew all the moves...how to throw,how to do a proper roundhouse kick,how to punch with force and how to break fall so that one suffered no hurt at all even when thrown ten stories down.So I am glad I learnt from the absolute best when it came to unarmed combat.Fact is I learnt all my world-class moves from him...so you can imagine my sadness when years later,I found out he was killed by his petite ex-girlfriend who had a lovers' tiff with him,threw her handbag at him,struck his solar plexus and killed him on the spot.Turned out the guy had a malformed ribcage but still...I really thought he'd learn how to block a handbag.


The murder weapon

It's a sad end to a great man's life.I always remembered when he won Best Soldier Award for the month of June 19XX.He was practically crying when the CO announced his name.We all thought he was nuts or something but hey,he was just siao onz.Sad end,sad end.

Back to my story then.I was educated only in the best institutions throughout my life.I worked hard during my studies and basically attended only the best schools,those which our ministers attended.You know:RI lah,RJC lah,Oxford University lah and of course,Serangoon Gardens Primary School lah.

Where else do you think our ministers learnt their Malay and Hokkien from?Believe me,when you are faced with a bunch of bullies daily,you better learn your fair share of Hokkien and Malay swear words to fend them off.Our ministers,of course,have the good sense not to use them in public.But trust me,we know our vocabulary...we always have a good laugh with each other during our primary school alma mater gatherings.

There was one particular incident which scarred me for life during my secondary school days.It was on a night trip to the Night Safari organised by my class...I just discovered that saying night trip to Night Safari is basically 废话 but anyway,during this trip,I got separated from my class because well,being the kaypoh me,I was straying away to look at couples making out in the bushes.

And you know how dangerous the Night Safari can get...basically the animals can just jump out of their enclosures and maul you to death any time they want (just ask the PRC tourists,they'd know).We are just lucky that our zoo animals are well-trained and have been taught not to kill visitors.If they were not trained,geez,there'd be one death a day at the zoo and Ah-Meng would have been in jail a long time ago.


When they say wild,they really mean wild.

Ok ok,I almost got distracted from my point.Yes,the point was I got separated from my group,ventured too near to a bat cave and got swarmed by bats.Hell,by the end of the ordeal,I was covered in guano and had to be dug out of a mountain of bat dung.

I never quite recovered from that episode.Even now,when I think about it,I start crying and have to go to the bathroom and bathe in wondrous Dove shower-cream (only the best for my skin).

And yes,that was how I came upon the idea of calling myself Batman...for me,Batcave is situated at...who's kidding who,Singapore where got cave?I just make do with my Bat-HDB flat in Ang Mo Kio,living with my mum.I wanted to buy private housing but too damn expensive and you know what,not all crime-fighters are rich.But anyway,living in the PM's ward is great...upgrade here,upgrade there,upgrade everywhere...compared to opposition wards,I tell you,just watch Potong Pasir and Hougang rot lah.

And as for why I became a civil servant?Hell,you think if I don't become civil servant,I can knock off at 6pm to go fight crime meh?Only with public sector then I got so much free time to fight crime mah.Where else can knock off at 6 zhun zhun on the dot one,I ask you?

Somemore,if I work private sector,I work until 8 to 9 plus or worse 10 to 11 daily,how to fight crime I ask you?So bloody shag by the end of the day,still want me to fight crime?Fight my backside lah,I tell you.And also,only with the high civil service pay can I afford to buy all my crime fighting equipment and weaponry.

Now I'd reveal my secret,I get my weaponry,Bat-suit and all from...hey,I don't want to bore you with too much official details,ok?Just order from Malaysia and China can already.I can even pass you the factory contact numbers and you can go order yourself.Please pay in ringgit and RMB,ok?Say recommended by Bruce.Order in bulk can get discount somemore.

Of course,going through customs is a bit of hassle but you know our law enforcement side lah,so lax,even Took Leng How can get across without getting arrested,what more shipping in a container load of Bat-suits,throwing weaponry,grappling hooks and magnetic guns.Simply a breeze,I tell you...but that is also the precise reason why they need me.

For I am Batman,the Caped Crusader...bloody hot in this weather to be caped,I tell you...which is why I only come out at night.


Me catching my breath because the suit is damn hot.

This is but the first installment of my adventures...the very next installment of this franchise will be called "Local Batman",and I shall recount in that installment,the tale of how I fought my greatest enemy,The Joker.


My greatest enemy - The Joker.

And also how I met my sex partner...erm,I mean my love interest,reporter Vickie Vu Lei-er.


Vicki heats up the journalistic scene in Singapore.

To be continued...