Tuesday, August 09, 2005
新加坡武侠传

Has anyone of you watched 七剑？Ok,I haven't either but I am so inspired by the rip-off idea of copying Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai that I also want to film a wuxia movie myself...it's just that I don't have a good source novel to base anything on.And I do not want to do a foreign Chinese novel.

Frankly,I don't understand why there are no good Chinese novel writers in Singapore.What we always see is the same batch of old farts and their stories getting recycled again,again and again.How many times can we possibly see ANOTHER remake of a 金庸 (Louis Cha) novel?How many versions of 神雕侠侣 (Return of the Condor Heroes...goodness,they return so many times already lah!) can we possibly take?And how many times do we have to see 卫斯理 (Wisely...but if you go by the way David Wu is translated into 吴大维，卫斯理 should,by right, be conversely and logically translated as Silly Wei,right?) on the silver screen again?

I say enough is enough.We do not need to trudge through anymore foreign novels for TV/movie inspiration.I say we create our own local novels...and as a present to our nation's 40th birthday,I will create a masterpiece that rivals JRR Tolkien's epic "Lord of the Rings" series.I realise I will go down as Singapore's greatest ever writer after writing this but hey,I can't shy away from this responsibity.Someone has to be great and I am the unfortunate one.

After all,Singapore beckons for greatness...and since I can't swim across the English Channel,I will win a Pulitzer Prize for Singapore.

You know how Singapore love winners,actually come to think of it,we love nearly-winners more...Eric Khoo send a film to Cannes only,never win anything but a bit of ovation and the Singapore press treat him like he won 14 Oscars.

Ronald Susilo and Li Jiawei nearly win Olympic medals and also get treated like king and queen.Tan Howe Liang wins medal... and gets a job at a gym.

I guess I'd rather not win then...all I need to do is come close to winning a Pulitzer and the government will treat me like 国宝 and give me $1 million...if unluckily I win it,I think at most they name a public toilet in AMK after me.

Enough nonsensical nonsense,folks!Because the real nonsense starts here.This is my cast of key characters for my epic 20,000....line novel.

The cast of characters (and the people who should play them):

黑山老妖 (played by SR Nathan)

Evil ruler of 花园国 (Garden Kingdom).He is 810 years old and has unimaginable martial arts prowess as well as legions of foot-soldiers,known as Men in White.This evil lord,despite his advancing age,is trying to continue his evil stranglehold on the kingdom for the next 60 years after the imperial doctor gave him a clean bill of health.But of course,黑山老妖 gets his long life by sucking energy off his defated foes.

黑山老妖 plays a pivotal role in this novel as he is the evil force that my heroes are trying to overthrow.And as copying all good traditions...黑山老妖 will ultimately reveal his true identity,yes,he is the lao beh of the novel's hero...GASP!So shocking.

绝世武功 (Erm...World unique skill?):

快闪千面脸:This frightening skill is a unique skill that no one else in Garden Kingdom has managed to master.Basically,whenever 黑山老妖 senses the danger of flashing/blinding lights,especially those of camera lightbulbs and film cameras,he quickly flashes a dazzling smile in the direction of the light...blinding his enemy with the reflection of the light off his gleaming white teeth.

Temporarily blinding and disarming his enemies,he'd then proceed to his next killer move,the 大众之掌,where with a plasticky smile and his face still facing the light source,he proceeds to grab the palms of his enemy and shakes it vigorously,creating a false sense of warmth...

Because the warmth is,in fact,energy channelled from his enemy into 黑山老妖,in the process rupturing his enemy's internal organs and nerves and killing him gradually.

PS:Beware that 黑山老妖 knows many languages and hence will not be easily sold out by his minions.Indeed,his extraordinary language skills is used to butter up the population of Garden Kingdom so that they think he is the best thing since roti prata when all he wants,in fact...is to suck energy off the population and get a State funeral.

臭脸侠士 (played by Tay Ping Hui)

The hero of the novel.Tall,strapping and disgustingly arrogant,this bastard,erm,I mean hero,takes no prisoners and is full of himself.But that's what makes women love him,because he always 摆臭脸.Women find that...ohhh,so sexy.

臭脸侠士 is the best pugilist in Garden Kingdom and mainly trains at his hideout,加俐古山谷 (Caldecott Caves).As we all know,to be unbeaten is lonely(无敌是寂寞的)...kinda like Arsenal for 49 matches.Anyway,臭脸侠士 seeks competition and is unable to find any,which is why he retreats to the caves to meditate...until he is needed.The time is NOW...as 黑山老妖 comes out to haunt the people of Garden Kingdom,臭脸侠士 must take up the mantle of world saviour...

绝世武功 (Ok,it's called killer move):

娱记粉丝推拿手:Specially invented to counter the legions of press photogs (娱记) and fans (粉丝) always on his back,臭脸侠士 has perfected this move to devastating effect.If he were tro spot either a press photog or fan within 10 metres of him,he sends out this powerful push that completely shoves all aside so that he can easily walk past without any problems.The unfortunate thing is that he has been known to use this on anyone who trespasses within ten paces of him,even ordinary folks...or especially them.

That's why he is really more of an anti-hero than a hero...think of a brooding Batman crossed with a jerk and arsehole.

双峰公主 (played by Fiona Xie) and 太平公主 (played by Joanne Peh)

Before the rule of 黑山老妖,Garden Kingdom was ruled by a peace-loving,crappy king by the name of 皮条皇 (played by Chen Shucheng) who specialises in giving cash away in crappy gameshows.皮条皇 was brutally murdered (he was hung by the neck with a rope made of Econ minimart coupons) in a bloody coup by 黑山老妖 but his lovely daughter,双峰公主 managed to escape with his not so lovely twin sister,太平公主,together with the crown jewels of the Kingdom...what became known in legend as...Citigems.

The two princesses seek to restore the Kingdom to its past former glories but find themselves hunted down by 黑山老妖 and his minions.As they find their options quickly dwindling down to zero,they have to turn to 臭脸侠士 for help...and along the way,臭脸侠士 will find himself inresistably attracted to 双峰公主.Why?Guess from her name.

Can 臭脸侠士 help the two princesses restore the Kingdom to its past glories?Will 臭脸侠士 and 双峰公主 live happily ever after?Will they get to do push-ups?Stay tuned...

绝世武功 (Killer move):

双峰公主's killer move is 大波微步,which our dear Fiona deftly demonstrated in that bikini run along Orchard Road in that crappy "idol serial",任我傲游.This move allows our favourite heroine to escape her enemies by quickly outpacing them,while distracting them with a mesmerising twin bouncing motion.Virtually unbeatable,this valuable skill has allowed our heroine to escape many times from the evil clutches of 黑山老妖.

太平公主's killer move is 木头功.Basically this means that the princess tries to act out extreme emotions whenever she is in the presence of great danger...which then convince her enemies that she really is an inanimate object.The more she tries to emote,the more indistinguishable she becomes from non-living things.So if she were to pretend to cry in a forest,her enemies actually cannot distinguish between her and a tree.If she's in a wax museum and she tries to act angry,they can't tell her apart from a wax statue.It's quite potent really...in normal life,we just call it bad acting.

断奶神妮 (played by Zoe Tay)

An over-the-hill has-been former great pugilist who nows hides in the 加俐古山谷 to 修行.She does not meddle in the affairs of the Kingdom unless the government (朝廷) of 黑山老妖 tells her to do so.Indeed,when told to step out of her monastry,she is the enforcer of all government policies,forcing all and sundry to follow her lead or else...in truth,she really isn't a good character.A minion.

绝世武功 (Killer move):

奶镖:She is not called 断奶神妮 for nothing.With more than a huge surplus of em...breast milk,she freezes these into solid ice-cream darts which she shoots at people with great accuracy.Laced with a deadly poison,once one gets hit by these missiles,one'd immediately be intoxicated by the lethal poison.He/she will then start braying and call 断奶神妮 "妈妈" affectionately.He/she will thus fall under the control of 断奶神妮 and do her bidding.

小腰女 (played by Fann Wong)

小腰女 is something like the prodigal daughter who spent a huge chunk of her time outside of the Kingdom,returning once in a while for fun and laughter,peace and joy.Self-absorbed and a little fake,she has no interests in the people's welfare.Yet,for some strange reason,小腰女 is extremely popular in the Kingdom and is seen as a clear threat to 黑山老妖.But 黑山老妖 really has nothing to worry about,小腰女 cares too much about herself to care about anybody else.

绝世武功 (Killer move):

缩身秘诀:小腰女 has the uncanny ability to shrink her body so thin that she can virtually avoid and dodge all manners of assault against her...be it punches,kicks,throwing missiles or sword attacks.This allows her to avoid injury easily.

The only problem with this skill is that while she can shrink,she can't expand...this is due to contractual duties with ExTrim.

无名使者 (played by Andrew Kuan)

A mysterious man that came out of nowhere to challenge 黑山老妖's supremacy in the Kingdom.Nobody knew where he came from...and certainly nobody knows what his motives are.Why did he come out of nowhere to challenge 黑山老妖?Is he a turncoat from 黑山老妖's minions,the Men in White?Word has it that he was once part of the Men...so why has he abandoned their ranks to fight against 黑山老妖?Is there a greater force controling everything?

For sure,even 臭脸侠士 is not sure of his intentions and has stayed clear of this mysterious man.

绝世武功 (Killer move):

大头顶:无名使者 has a strange amount of faith and confidence in his abilities,no doubt because of this 绝学 in which the man expands his head to the size of a water-melon and starts head-butting people all over the place.Although this skill isn't really that deadly to begin with,无名使者's strange amount of confidence lends it a credibility that seems slightly ill-deserved.

五贱客 (played by the Singapore Idol Finalists)

The evil minions of 黑山老妖.These good-for-nothings are unable to find a job in the outside world and are reduced to doing 黑山老妖's evil deeds for him.These five evil creatures never seem to disappear from the people's consciousness,always appearing in one form or another as if people will ever miss them.Worst,they actually think they're the people's best friends when the general public is absolutely terrified and sick to the core of them.

绝世武功 (Killer move):

烂歌吼:Whenever threatened,these five produce one of the most frightening moves in the pugilist world...they open their mouths to sing.In no time,all their enemies will be struck down,hit by the terrible sounds that emerge from their mouths as they start bleeding from the ears and mouths and finally die from haemorrhage.So far,nobody has yet found a way to counter this terrible move.

声宫寨主 (played by Sim Wong Hoo)

Once imprisoned by the government but now set free,he has become the most successful merchant in the land and is one of the most powerful men in the Kingdom.Although he loves the Kingdom and people look up to him,the man never seems to explicitly state his ambition to fight 黑山老妖 and gain control of the Kingdom,restoring some normalcy back to the country.Why hasn't he done anything to stop 黑山老妖?Nobody knows...maybe the guy is simply too rich to care.

绝世武功 (Killer move):

修身秘宗法...when you train to a certain point,you will let go of all material worries (since you feel very rich),to the point of 刀枪不入.When you attain this state,you have gotten what is known as Zen.If you only manage to learn a bit,it's called Zen Micro,it protects everything but your groin.

But there is a catch to this,people who train 修身秘宗法 cannot be exposed to one particular item...an Apple.

Or else,they lose everything they have...

银神 (played by Tan Howe Liang)

Long time ago,he was the second strongest man in the Kingdom.But after winning that accolade,银神 mysteriously disappeared,only appearing once every four years (kinda like the World Cup)to remind everyone that he is still well and alive.Word has it that he,too,is under the control of 黑山老妖 who allegedly gave him a job at a 武馆 (what is known as a gym) but in truth nobody knows.臭脸侠士is actually 银神's disciple,learning from the great man the strength to push people aside.

绝世武功 (Killer move):

银牌阵:Basically he needs to do nothing,just stand around and hold up his mythical weapon,the fabled 银牌 and nobody can get near him,creating a force-field so powerful that anyone who comes near him gets overcome by a sense of reverence.However this is not known to work on 朝廷命官 (civil servants) since they are his pay masters.

花国不败 (played by Sean Say)

Very unoriginal name I know...but wow man,that character is legend and Sean Say has the seh to do something like it.Basically,花国不败 is a androgynous master pugilist who learn to much 娥眉派功夫 and went 走火入魔.Exhibiting both male and female characteristics,the man is secretly in love with 臭脸侠士 but doesn't dare to acknowledge that fact.In the end,he will sacrifice himself for his true love...when he undergoes a sex change...and loses all his skills...but can 臭脸侠士 look past his stubble?

绝世武功 (Killer move):

抛媚眼:Anybody,male or female who gets hit by this move will find themselves irresistably attracted to 花国不败 and will subsequently do his bidding...usually 花国不败 gets the women to kill themselves while he gets the men to...erm...geeez...

There it is,folks...my contribution to NATION-BUILDING.A world-class masterpiece epic that is half-done but you can see the greatness already.The nation will be proud of me!

Happy National Day!