Friday, August 05, 2005
Uncle President

Hurray!

After so long,some bloke finally mustered some courage to try and contest the upcoming Presidential Elections.When I saw the news today,I was like "GREAT!Defeat the incumbent.Send him packing so he can go back to selling roti prata."

First,I am a bit perplexed as to why there hasn't been more people coming forward to submit nominations for the PE.I mean,look at the experience required.I quote (off CNA)...

"The Presidential Elections Committee will assess their applications and issue certificates to those it judges to be of integrity,good character and reputation,with the necessary experience for the post of Elected President.This includes executive and financial experience in government or a statutory board or a company worth at least S$100 million,for at least three years."

Basically these criteria means that even I'm eligible.Yes,even me!Ok,for me,maybe the parts about integrity,good character and reputation is a bit hard to prove but for the experience part,I fulfill already.So damn easy.So why isn't more people stepping forward?

Maybe it's the $37,500 deposit required?Or maybe they require the forms to be filled up in all four official languages and that's a bit hard to do?I don't know but who cares.

Back to my subject.Of course,the truth is that the incumbent probably won't be defeated and we'd (or I'd) have to put up with him for another 6 years.Six more years of goreng pisang waves.Six more years of appearing on irrelevant shows (isn't he suppose to support philantrophic activities,charity events and community services?) like Singapore Idol.Hell,kill me before it starts.

Anyway,what got me kind of excited was the name of the potential contestant.A certain Andrew Kuan.When I saw his surname,the first thing I did was to SMS Bishop and ask him,"Hey bro do u have a relative by the name of Andrew Kuan?"

His reply?A cryptic,"Could be,not sure leh."

WAH!Sure or not.His uncle potential President ah.Of course,immediately,he became my best friend so I ventured further,"Wah seh,potential president your uncle leh."

Bishop obviously sensed my attempt to curry-favour him so he countered,"Better behave bro,don't play play."

Undeterred,I continued to play myself into his good books,"No problem.Next time go Istana play football call me hor."

Ok blokes and gals.Now that you all know I have a friend who has an uncle who could be the next President of Singapore,I advise all of you to treat me well and butter me up.If for instance,any of you should ever decide to smuggle 20kg of heroin in your pants,you'd need my help to seek Presidential pardon.

But I'm rubbing my hands in glee right now.First things first,if Mr Kuan is nominated,I implore all of you to vote him into office.And I have two very good reasons for that.

First,Andrew is a bloody good name.I came from St. Andrew's Secondary school so I should know.

Second,you should vote him in because he might be the uncle of my friend.If grassroots leaders and other assorted Yes-men sorts can rally votes for the incumbent,then so can I.And to tell you the truth,I think my reasons for voting Mr Kuan in is much more solid than the reasons given by others to vote the current Prez in.

The real issue for me though is that I'm already thinking about how to abuse my new-found power through secondary connections.There are a few things I'd like to do.

1) Play football at the Istana every weekend.And I invite any or all of you to join me.On one conditon:You must be either NOT very good at football (which would make me the star of the show) or you must be a very pretty girl.What do I mean by a pretty girl.Take look at my wife.


Chiling, my wife

All others I won't consider.

2) Appear at every uppity social event possible.Especially those where Denise Keller appears.I know this angmoh chabo only likes to hang out with guys with German background but with my extensive knowledge of the Bundesliga and Baron's beer,I am sure I will prove to be a most suitable match.


Denise, source of countless nosebleeds

3) Abuse my powers at work.Now that I have connections,I will abuse my authority at work.I will refuse to work and just receive a monthly for the mere fact that I commute to the office to spend time at this miserable place...wait a minute...I am already doing it.

Bless my good soul.I will not abuse my new-found powers beyond these listed options.I think God must be really proud of me for being so restrained.

Before I end off,I just got to highlight something to you all,especially Singaporean girls.Today's excellent ST forum highlighted two letters by the lovely Maria Wong and the stupendous Ho Kum Yin,both exhorting the virtues of the Singaporean men.I implore all girls to read the letters below (in blue):

Singaporean men are a dream

I REFER to the Straight Talk column by Nicholas Fang (Er, Want To Apply For HDB Flat? Life!, Aug 1).

While there are many things wrong with all men, and I can destroy a forest writing on the imperfect Singaporean male, let me say that he is fine the way he is.

It was only when I lived abroad for nine years that I missed the average Singapore Joe.

In the United States where I lived for a few years, the guys on the whole seemed to think that dating was a game of how many women they could wine and dine.

They felt that a woman should say yes to sex if she was given a 'free' dinner. If two to three dates went by without sex, they moved on. They could not talk about a lasting relationship or develop a relationship if there was no sex involved.

The Singaporean male has resisted attempts to imitate his foreign counterparts blindly. Kudos to you and do remain the way you are - uncharming but sincere, genuine, pragmatic and practical.

If you were not, why would you be the dream catch of women from other Asian countries?
Singapore women, wake up and appreciate what's right under your nose before it is too late.

Maria Wong

Pampered women

SINGAPORE guys have been criticised too often. They are supposedly a pathetic, charmless lot who whine often and have nothing better than HDB flats to offer, when proposing to girlfriends.

This behaviour is attributed to their mothers who have spoilt them, resulting in their expecting 'everything to be done for them'.

But are Singapore women not equally pampered? Favouring male offspring is a thing of the past.
I see many girls being treated like little princesses who do not have to lift a finger to do anything.

They grow up arrogant and with high expectations of what life is going to be. They glorify in the fact that home-making is not for them.

For the guys, the stint of National Service is a good wake-up call. They learn to be more independent and rough it out as well as acquire life skills.

But many girls continue to live in the clouds, hankering after a Prince Charming who can offer them champagne, caviar and a condo or bungalow when proposing to them.

In avoiding guys who make that desperate attempt at charm, I just hope that these women do not fall prey too easily to that suave, glib-tongued male - Singaporean or otherwise.

Ho Kum Yin

Yes yes.Finally some GOOD Singaporean women spoke up for us local men.I told you girls we are good and good Maria and Kum Yin proves so.They also prove that Singaporean girls are not that good...hahahah...erm,sorry,that's another story for another day.

So girls,appreciate your man ok?We are not like angmohs,only want to have sex and forget (such bloody superficial,groin-led thinking).We just forget to have sex,that's all(as all responsible men should).So pardon our good souls...work so busy,how to make babies or be romantic?So many responsibilities and so little incentives,guys here don't even get paternity leave.And we got to serve NS for peanuts (not the TT Durai brand of nuts) and thus,start work at a very very late age as a result and hence got to work doubly hard as a result.We are victims of circumstances.

And Maria I love you too.You can be my wife.Naaaah.