Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Sean Bean

"Why the fcuk does Batman got to write about me? Now my rep is ruined..."

Yes, I am sure you must have seen him somewhere on screen this year or last. Think about it and recall. Heck, his great performances have lit up the screen in no small way. In "Flightplan" he was the calm and collected Captain Rich who later lost his balls and thought Jodie Foster was a terrorist. But it's not Sean's fault! It's the script's fault. From the moment he appeared on screen, you just wanted him to get out of the pilot's seat, bum Jodie Foster off the plane and take over the film. Yeah, he's that good.

And what about his role as the evil doctor Merrick in "The Island"? Yeah, the film is a stinker but it's not his fault! If the filmmakers had the good sense to cast him as the lead instead of that Scottish cad Ewan McGregor, "the island" would probably have grossed six times that of "Titanic". It would probably still be a stinker though.

And what about Boromir in the LOTR films? Yeah, he made that role his very own. His manly performance of a flawed vulnerable man who then became arrow practice for orcs must have touched many people around the world. In fact, millions must have wished that it was Aragorn, that chao turtle who can be king but too haolian to want to become one, or Legolas, the elfin Ah-gua, who died instead of the nobly greedy Boromir.

Boromir: "Talk about me somemore and I'd squeeze your balls between my fingers like this"

The great man made all these magnificent roles his. But that's really just the tip of the iceberg. The Man has appeared in just about every movie you've watched. Besides the movies I've mentioned, tick these off as well: "Patroit Games", "National Treasure", "Troy", "North Country", "Ronin", "Don't Say A Word", "Goldeneye" and erm..."Shopping"? Wow, so prolific! Hell, I bet he probably acted in "Fearless" and "Infernal Affairs" too.

Look at all these great movies that Sean has appeared in, don't you think he deserves to have a bigger fanbase? I will be starting a Sean Bean fanclub in Singapore where we can wait in great anticipation for his next small role in a major film and go to the airport to mob him in great numbers if he comes to Singapore (Great stars like him never come to Singapore, but when they do, they usually come in via Tiger Airways...so keep a sharp lookout). People who wish to join this club will have to pay an annual member subscription fee of $925 and will get a fanclub T-shirt embellished with a picture of Sean Bean (which I will kindly print for you guys at a neighbourhood shop for $9 per piece) and a video compilation of all of Sean's peformances so that you can all go home and drool over his masterful performances.

Finally, I have a final word to add. Isn't it a divine injustice that the Academy Awards have overlooked Sean again in their nomination list this year? Where is Sean to be found in the best actor nomination list? Fcuk Joaquin Phoenix, man. Sean Bean can do a better Johnny Cash. In fact, he'd do something that Joaquin Phoenix can't do, he'd do Johnny Cash with a Brit accent. How about that? And Heath Ledger? Fcuk him too. Sean Bean can do "Brokeback Mountain" better as well. In fact, if he did "Brokeback Mountain", it'd NOT be a gay love story because he'd bash that fag Jake Gyllenhaal up before he got within ten metres of the great Mr Bean. It'd be a Oscar-winning movie where Sean Bean finds a code in the American dollar note about some hidden treasure and goes all over the country trying to find that treasure (of course, along the way, he kills Jake Gyllenhaal who's trying to molest him)... hmmm, the plot does sound awfully like another movie though.

Brokeback Mountain: Movie hurt by Sean Bean's non-involvement.

Ok, so who wants to join the club? Before you fellows reply me, take a look at this sexy picture of Mr Bean.

Sean Bean and his D-Cups...bro, wear a bra lah...

Now, girls, tell me you don't fancy the man? I am sure Jake Gyllenhaal would.