Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Hell Hath No Fury

Owen Hargreaves: Was happy until he became visibly upset by my criticism of his hair.

Ok, now onto my real story. In a real scoop, I now publish a world exclusive on the Real story behind the Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo feud and what conspired to lead to that confrontation on the field.

Many of you may not actually know the true relationship between Messrs Rooney and Ronaldo. I find it hard and tedious to explain and type out the entire background story and since a picture tells a gazillion words, I will simply show you this picture.

"Aaaah...yessss...slurp it, Cristy. Harder, harder...AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Please pardon my obssession with English gayness and ice-cream during this WC for there isn't really much else to get obssessed about, seeing that it has been a rather sterile and excitement-free tournament. But yes, folks, Wayne and Cristy has been boyfriend and girlfriend ever since they got together at the rather metrosexual club, Man Utd. And they have been trying desperately to keep it lidded from the world.

Cristy, of course, has always been a faithful girl and has always put up with Wayne's philandering ways. Heck, she even allowed Wayne to get it on with Colleen McLoughlin just to present a smokescreen to the world while he has to get it on rough and dirty with Wayne in extreme privacy or, as can be seen, on the pitch sometimes when urge gets the better of them.

Colleen McLoughlin: Naught but a smokescreen...very very nice screen though.

But every girl has her limits and increasingly, Cristy found herself irritated by Wayne's smokescreen relationship with Colleen and non-committance towards her. She also found herself increasingly attracted to master metrosexual Beckham-san at Real Madrid (which is why Cristy has been trying to get herself a transfer to Real these past few weeks). And let's face it, who wouldn't fall for the celebrated charms of the man when he tantalises you with come-ons like this.

"Come on, Cristy, come on, feel my behind..."

Let it be said, though, that in spite of the kinky invitations from the master, Cristy stayed faithful to her man...until this happened.

"Ricardo, I am sick of Cristy. I want your nuts instead!"

So in full view of his girlfriend, Wayne went for Ricardo's nuts even as he tried to entice Ricardo into licking his arse (which Ricardo valiantly resisted, as can be seen). What is a girl to do when your man, in full view of you, decides to "tackle" another man right in front of you? Of course, you'd flip, wouldn't you? Which is what Cristy did. The rest, as we know, is well chronicled in the papers...well, half of it anyway.

Cristy, seeing how unfaithful Wayne was, naturally went crying to the referee. "Did you see that?!", Cristy screamed. Well, that was the part reported by the papers. What the papers edited out was the later part of the sentence. Cristy then added, "How can my amante do this to me?!"

Wayne, seeing how his girl was bringing their hush-hush affair (and who knows what dirty laundry she might spill so he had to stop her there and then) into the public, did what any spouse-abuser would do. He pushed Cristy roughly away. And, of course, that totally pushed referee Horacio Elinzondo's buttons and he did what any decent man would do. He protected the girl and promptly sent Wayne off for assaulting his girlfriend, before Wayne actually got to the stage of tearing Cristy's bra off on the pitch.

We all know what happened then, or at least you think you do. Let me disclose the truth now. When Cristy was caught winking straight after the sending off by the TV cameras, he wasn't actually winking at Felipe Scolari. He was winking at BECKHAM. Fcuk! Yes, Beckham-san has stolen Wayne's girl from him. What a conspiracy!!! But didn't Cristy ignore Beckham-san?

Did you see Beckham-san crying manfully after he was substituted? Why did he cry? Well, it was because he could no longer stay on the pitch to help his fellow countrymen, you say. Nope, readers. He was crying because Cristy rejected his advances even on the pitch. He chased her so hard around the field that he actually injured his foot and had to be replaced. And upon seeing his tears, Cristy was slowly but surely moved by his sincerity (and is now joining her new lover at Real Madrid). But what about the headbutt Cristy aimed at Wayne just before the match, you ask? Headbutt? Are you nuts? Cristy was trying to kiss Wayne's neck.

Well, as we know, Wayne later tried to barge into the Portuguese dressing room, threatening to "sort her out and cut her in half". Wayne boy, easy with the humping now, dude.

And so this is the true story they didn't want you to know. What's the lesson to be learnt from all this? Well, it's an age-old lesson really.

Hell hath no fury like a girly man scorned. She can easily just end your World Cup there and then.

R&R: Happy days no more...